Have you ever broken-up with someone strictly because of sex?

[irin]

i mean everything else was great and as you wished it would be, you were both attracted to each other, were in love, but there was noway you could make sex good, with no amount of trying, practice, exploring?

 

 

i used to think that if you loved someone, was attracted to them, and you were willing to try and learn. then you'd eventually figure out what your partner liked and needed.

 

but apparently theres this magical thing called sexually-compatibility, that is as hard as rocket science, and theres nothing that can be done if you dont naturally have it? and the only way is to have sex with someone and find out!

 

p.s. this time i will not be answering any of your bullying, if you ask me a direct question ill answer but i wont debating anyone.

 

so please discuss and enlighten me, i shall be reading though.

[oaks]

but apparently theres this magical thing called sexually-compatibility, that is as hard as rocket science, and theres nothing that can be done if you dont naturally have it? and the only way is to have sex with someone and find out!

 

I've never had a relationship that was so good that there was only 1 thing wrong with it, so I can't really answer what I would do if the only thing wrong was sex.

 

However, I have had relationships where sex was fulfilling for both of us the vast majority of the time, and relationships where sex wasn't fulfilling most of the time, and since I like sex (and like being able to please my partner sexually, or at least like it when she's also enjoying it) I'd prefer the first kind of relationship.

 

I don't think sexual compatibility is a magical thing, but good sex is good sex and bad sex is bad sex and I know the difference (and I don't just mean to measure it on the basis of each individual act, because anyone can have an off-day at anything, but on the basis of an ongoing sexual relationship).

 

I don't know if it's as hard as rocket science, or if it's a naturally occurring thing. I suspect it's possible to work at it through both practice and communication (telling each other what you like, what you don't like, what you're willing to try, and finding common ground in that etc) but that some couples might still not be able to have generally consistent good sex even after a time of trying.

 

I'll also add that where 'bad sex' is what happens that doesn't necessarily mean that there's fault with either partner - they may both be capable of having good sex by choosing other partners with whom they are more, erm, compatible.

 

Sexual incompatibility doesn't just mean having bad sex... it could also include having different levels of desire for sex. For example, if I wake up horny every morning and want cuddles and sex but my partner only wants sex on saturday evenings once a month, then we might be sexually incompatible even if the sex we do have is good.

 

and a final final thought (unless I think of another one before the end of the sentence) - sexual compatibility probably isn't a binary "yes" or "no" thing and sex (in the ongoing sense of a sexual relationship) isn't just "good" or "bad"... it can also be "mediocre" or "better" or "worse" or anywhere in between.

[Eclypse]

I haven't but I've only been in 1 relationship so far. I am actually considering breaking it off because the sex is rare, and when it does happen its not good. She doesn't want to experiment or do different positions and is rarely horny. I am tired of feeling guilty every time I express my desire to have sex and she rejects me and makes me feel like it's all my fault. I respect how she feels but I have no intention of becoming a celibate monk at age 21.

 

However I haven't broken up yet because I love her in so many other ways. We are a perfect match in most regards. But sex is very important. Will the other stuff trump the sex? I don't know, but unless she changes (and she knows how I feel) my soul will get eroded more and more and my feelings of resentment will grow even more (and they are pretty high atm).

 

If I do break up, then for future relationships I will definitely gauge sexual interest of my potential partner before commiting. If I can see its not going to work I will respectfully leave them and seek relations elsewhere.

[january2011]

For me, it wasn't about making sex good. It was about frequency and actually having it.

 

"Good" is relative. However, I think it's more clear cut if you and your partner can't agree on frequency or one of you has difficulty having sex, then it's going to create a stumbling block in the relationship. Over time, this is the kind of stuff that creates tension and bleeds into the rest of your shared life together. I don't know how many people would just dump someone because of one occasion of sex not being what they considered "good." - that's their decision to make. However, I'm sure it happens that if something occurred during the session that was a real turn-off and couldn't be gotten over. Though I'd imagine that dumping someone on the spot without at least thinking it over would be behaviour reserved for the hardest hearts.

 

Finding out that someone can't have sex and their preferred frequency are things that you can't discover until you try to have sex with them. If these aren't important to you right now, then they're not important to you right now. You're allowed to have your preferences, just as those who disagree with you are allowed to have their's. As long as each person accepts that the boundary of their decision-making and preferences don't extend beyond themselves, then I think people who agree/disagree about sexual compatibility should be able to co-exist and have a reasonable discussion.

[oaks]

and the only way is to have sex with someone and find out!

 

I forgot to answer this question. Yes, the only way to find out if you are sexually compatible with someone is to have sex with them, several times. It may be possible to identify sexual incompatibility without trying it by, for example discussing likes/dislikes and views about sex.

[irin]

thank you for your responses. and those who are about to respond to.

[Emilia]

Yes. He turned out to be very weird in bed - ironically he comes from a culture where sex before marriage is unusual and he wasn't experienced. I wonder whether his weirdness had something to do with that because he didn't go through the experimental stages at a young age as the rest of us. He was nervous and awkward too, I do believe adults who don't experience all the aspects of dating are somewhat stunted. He wasn't any better than a teenage boy basically. We were friends before we dated and I used to like him as a person but sex with him put me off him completely. Just too weird.

[Emilia]

but apparently theres this magical thing called sexually-compatibility, that is as hard as rocket science, and theres nothing that can be done if you dont naturally have it? and the only way is to have sex with someone and find out!

 

 

Sex is very different with every person, even if you think their personalities otherwise are similar. It's the way you relate to each other and it's also the two people's ability to establish intimacy (emotional bond) with each other.

[Lucy1722]

Very interesting subject because I was married for 20+ years and sex was terrible. She never made me feel wanted, made me feel like she was doing me a favor having sex and ended up being the same every time. And yes I told her I wasnt happy but of course I was told "sorry but thats the way I am".

Now I find myself with another woman whom is MUCH younger and sex is like a fantasy come true. We've been on and off for over two years and have had some real problems. But when it comes to sex she is unbelievable. I can also tell you that since leaving my wife Ive had sex with other women and sexual compatibility is definitely very important to me. Its amazing how much more fun and exciting sex can be when it clicks between two people. Dont forget though that sex is just one ingredient in a relationship. If you dont feel that connection the GREAT sex will mean nothing or at least once its over you'll be running away.

[thatone]

welcome old bitter male virgin #3487987, enjoy your stay.

[Emilia]

what a crok. girls just like when a guy has a high number and he didnt have it. what it was is that you wanted him out and didnt give him a chance to warm up. more and more guys dont experience all the aspects of dating cause girls all desire the same guys while guys arent this picky.

 

You have no idea what you are talking about. Come back here once you have had a relationship

[irin]

Note: please be respectful to one another.

 

everyone is welcome, find ways to get your points across, without any direct personal insults.

 

i wont stand anymore bullying directed at me or anyone else. i will report you.

[Joaquin]

Yes I have. Sex was happening once or twice a month with her and despite my best efforts she would fob me off so I started to feel a bit rejected. So I figured if it's like this after just a few years what would it be like in say 10 or more years. The sex itself was a bit perfunctory on her part. We broke up and crap sex was the main reason.

 

Sex with the partners that followed made me realise how much I was missing regular fulfilling sex so it was the right move. I met a girl who I felt great sex com with, but she was not relationship material. You can't have it all huh.....

 

I was talking to a friend not long ago who wasn't a fan of going down on girls. I like it but for whatever reason he won't do it. Hes married now but he told me that he lost girls in the past over the fact that he wouldn't go down on them.

 

Sexual synchronicity is very important.

[dasein]

Yes, a couple of times. One gained weight and I couldn't get it up with her any more. The other was a puzzle, very passionate with each other generally, but when we got in bed, things just fizzled. Performance was fine, but neither one of us was fully engaged in the sex. To be honest it felt kind of like what one would imagine screwing a close relative would be like, though we were very genetically dissimilar on the surface. Could have been pheromones or some other unknown thing.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I have not, but I think it is a reasonable thing to do.

 

Sex is a crucial element of a relationship - even in its absence.

 

I certainly don't think that things have to be "perfect" in that department. But there has to be something to work with! Or, at least, a consensus that it's fine if there's nothing to work with.

[FrustratedStandards]

Yes.

 

I once broke up with a guy because I wasn't physically attracted to him. It sucks because he was perfect in most other ways. However, because there was no chemistry between us, I never loved him.

 

The men that I have loved I have never had a problem sex-wise. After all, loving and falling in love is all chemistry, so when you don't have chemistry with someone, you can't love them.

 

So I find it strange when you say "You love them but aren't attracted to them". If you love them, you are attracted to them. At least that's how I see it. If you aren't attracted to them, then your love for them isn't romantic, but perhaps derived from attachment or deep friendship that you have developed with this person.

 

ADD: I also was considering a serious relationship with a man that I have known for many years, but when things got hot and heavy, turns out he had a very small penis. That killed it and I haven't really spoken to him since.

Edited May 30, 2012 by FrustratedStandards

[irin]

So I find it strange when you say "You love them but aren't attracted to them". If you love them, you are attracted to them.

 

is this for me?

 

i said in-love with them and attracted to them. but what could go wrong when it comes to sex? was it just attraction?

[FrustratedStandards]

is this for me?

 

i said in-love with them and attracted to them. but what could go wrong when it comes to sex? was it just attraction?

 

Oh i'm sorry. I misread.

 

The only thing I can think of, that can go wrong during sex when you are attracted to the man, is a very small penis. Otherwise, if the relationship doesn't have any significant problems and the attraction is there, I don't see what else can go wrong.

 

At the extreme, he might be too kinky or too aggressive for your liking. You might not feel comfortable having sex with him because he can only get off doing things that make you uncomfortable. There could also be that. Although I really don't think that is likely because for a guy, it doesn't matter how the sex happens, as long as it happens.

[Eddie Edirol]

is this for me?

 

i said in-love with them and attracted to them. but what could go wrong when it comes to sex? was it just attraction?

 

If people figure out they are sexually compatible, it usually doesnt go wrong unless one of them changes down the line.Then it gets really complicated. There could be a number of things that does this...children, change of agenda, depression, loss of mental attraction (usually turns in to loss of physical attraction), etc etc, whatever anyone could add to the list...

[freetolove]

yes, i have in the past but it wasn't exactly solely just that. sex is important to me and I want to enjoy it with that one person. after i realized sex wasn't going to be good, all the other parts became a lot less dissatisfying.

 

HOWEVER, as I've grown older (I'm 28) I'm starting to be a little more forgiving and accept different things.

[FrustratedStandards]

yes, i have in the past but it wasn't exactly solely just that. sex is important to me and I want to enjoy it with that one person. after i realized sex wasn't going to be good, all the other parts became a lot less dissatisfying.

 

HOWEVER, as I've grown older (I'm 28) I'm starting to be a little more forgiving and accept different things.

 

This.

 

I have asked women in the past the following:

 

"You see that so-so looking guy over there? If you knew he had a big penis and was a sex god in bed, even though only you knew this and no one else did, would he become more attractive to you?"

 

The answer each time was "Definitely".

 

So I guess that ties in. If the sex isn't good, the person becomes less interesting. I totally agree with this.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes, in my early 20s. He was the perfect boyfriend - smart, successful, handsome, fit, active, loving, supportive, fun, funny, 6'4". He had endless energy and did things all the time to make my life easier and better. Everybody I knew freaking loved him, and all my friends were jealous. We had these amazing house parties with his friends and mine, and people would tell us for weeks after it was the best party they'd ever been to.

 

But I never felt a strong spark for him, and I know now that it was because of the mediocre sex. He always seemed uncomfortable with his sexuality, and while we had a few fun times in bed, for the most part, he overthought sex way too much. He also had some odd (but harmless) fetishes. Like, once, he asked if he could put my earrings in my ears for me, and he spent like 15 minutes putting them in and taking them out, with a raging boner the whole time.

 

I think the root of his sexual hangups was his f*ed-up relationship with his mother. She was controlling, extremely needy, and somewhat abusive when he was a kid.

 

We tried to keep it together, because everything else was so good. But eventually, my mind started wandering to other men. I was so sexually unsatisfied, and really doubting myself being with him. So we ended it.

[TheFinalWord]

i mean everything else was great and as you wished it would be, you were both attracted to each other, were in love, but there was noway you could make sex good, with no amount of trying, practice, exploring?

 

 

i used to think that if you loved someone, was attracted to them, and you were willing to try and learn. then you'd eventually figure out what your partner liked and needed.

 

but apparently theres this magical thing called sexually-compatibility, that is as hard as rocket science, and theres nothing that can be done if you dont naturally have it? and the only way is to have sex with someone and find out!

 

p.s. this time i will not be answering any of your bullying, if you ask me a direct question ill answer but i wont debating anyone.

 

so please discuss and enlighten me, i shall be reading though.

 

Well, I don't think I have ever broken up with someone because of that...though I will admit they become less interesting to me. This was in my early days, now I've decided to wait and do it God's way!

 

Just remember most people here are engaging in pre-marital sex. You are going to get much better answers from people at your church who have done what you are doing...waiting. Talk to some married couples in your church. It helps a lot! You aren't alone. But you should be careful about getting advice about pre-marital sex from those who do not reverence God's Word. Listen to it, but I would go by people who have actually lived it in your church.

 

Chances are, even in church settings, among married couples one was a virgin and one wasn't. Now the thing is, sex is a skill. It can be improved upon just like anything. If you've done any physical activity, did you go in running a five minute mile or benching your body weight? Probably not unless you are a natural athlete and have great genetics. Same with sex. Few people are going to be experts right off the bat. But the thing is, for you, I would be more looking into finding a husband that is OPEN about sexual communication...even counseling if it needs to go there. If he's got a huge ego and gets insulting if you say, "hey I would prefer this" or "Can we try this"...then I can see sexual frustration build. But you know what the bible says about that...Paul talks a lot about sex in a marriage. A LOT. Sexual satisfaction is critical for many reasons, mainly to prevent adultery and also bonding.

 

"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

 

That highlighted part goes beyond just having sex, it also means to make sure your spouse is completely satisfied. There is nothing off limits as long as it is okay between the husband and wife

 

So really, if you find a mature Christian man this isn't going to be a problem. Also, you should realize that there is a special blessing God gives to couples that wait. I can get more into that if you want. But most people here are not going to consider the spiritual side of honoring God's commandments to wait. There is a reward for that in terms of the happiness of the marriage.

 

The main things is communication and the other person being open to it. From my past experiences, there is not one woman I can think of that if she had been open to listen to my needs that the sexual compatibility would have grown.

 

Physical chemistry is that initial spark where you feel sexual attraction. But compatibility is largely being open to communication, admitting that maybe you need help, and actively working at it!

[irin]

WOW! The information make me understand. You helped me so much. Thanks for sharing this. It made me understand something, and it is that I never knew before.

 

feel free to explain!

[pteromom]

Yes. I left a bf because he didn't want sex. I've also broken up with guys who had weird fetishes I wasn't into...

 

Sexual compatibility has many factors.

 

QUANTITY - both partners should either have a similar drive when it comes to frequency and timing of sex, or be willing to negotiate a middle ground that makes them both happy.

 

TURN-ONS - partners should be compatible in what turns them on. If one partner likes BDSM, and the other likes soft gentle sex, one or both are going to be frustrated. If one hates anal and the other loves it, it will be a source of contention. If one is turned on by threesomes and the other hates the idea, they aren't compatible when it comes to turn-ons.

 

ATTITUDES - partners should have similar attitudes about sex and what it means. If one partner wants romance, looking into each other's eyes and kissing, and the other views sex as a mostly physical release, there can be issues. Or if one partner loves "porn sex" and the other wants it to be an emotional connection, it can cause problems.

 

MATURITY LEVEL - sexual maturity occurs when you know what turns you on, you are open to sharing that with someone else, and you are comfortable with sex and your feelings about it. If someone who is sexually mature is with someone who has a lot of sexual insecurities, or who is unwilling to learn about their partner or themselves, this can cause a lot of issues.