peacefuldreamer Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 I am trying my hardest not to contact my ex. I dont know really know how to do it though considering yesterday we were talking up working things out. I want to work things out with him and was very happy when we talked about it. Now hes changed his mind or whatever I guess cause he decided to fight with me over something stupid. How do you stop all contact with someone you love, someone you have spent 3 years with and planned on marrying?
StartingAgain Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 First question: Do you want to sever contact or do you want to work things out? What do you want? What does he want? For the sake of discussion, let's assume the both of you want to get your relationship back on track. You say that when the two of you talked yesterday he started an argument over something stupid (consider your choice of the word stupid). Did he, or was it only stupid to you? Be honest. How many of his buttons did you press? Sometimes, when a couple are having problems and are arguing and saying/doing hurtful things, it's a good idea to declare a cooling off period. Talk with your man and suggest one. This can be from a couple of weeks to a couple of months. During this period, you should limit your contact. I'd say that during the first couple of weeks there should be no contact at all. You are going to miss one another and that's a good thing. Then start communicating again, but do not discuss your problems. Court and woe one another; get comfortable with one another again and rebuild the intimacy. Then set a time to talk about your problems. Set ground rules for this. No insulting language, no judgements, no blaming one another, etc. If either of you get upset or angry, the discussion ends immediately. give one another a hug and a kiss, express your love for one another. Take a time out, cool down and try again. This approach has to be agreed upon in advance. You know if you are going to marry, it's a good idea to get some couples counceling. The approach is similar to marital counceling, but focused on how to have a healthier relationship from the start and how to keep it that way.
Author peacefuldreamer Posted June 27, 2004 Author Posted June 27, 2004 I want to work things out. I thought he did to until last night. For starters yesterday when we talked we didnt argue we agreed to keep seeing each other a couple times a week, work on things and see what happened. And yes in my opinion what he started the fight over was stupid. He imed me about 2:30 this morning and I asked why he didnt call me back like he said he would. He said that he had to take someone to the hospital so I asked what happened. Instead of answering me he started accusing me on sleeping with his best friend 2 YEARS AGO. We had this discussion countless times back then. He kept telling me that if I didnt tell him the truth (in other words what he wants) he wouldnt talk to me anymore. This continued for a while but as much as I told him that nothing ever happened he wouldnt believe me. It ended with him saying that since I was telling him the truth that it sucks to be me cause he wont believe me and said "goodbye forever". Well I took a littl time and calmed down enough to write him an email and tell him that I love him and I wouldnt lie to him about it. I have always been honest with him and he knows that so I dont understand why he isnt listening now. He emailed me back and said "I dont believe you now leave me alone" So no I dont want to break contact but I think for now I have to. I really do want to work things out with but I am unsure how to if he doesnt want to listen to me.
StartingAgain Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 This new info makes a BIG difference. No, what he did wasn't stupid; it's called abusive. He imed me about 2:30 this morning and I asked why he didnt call me back like he said he would. He said that he had to take someone to the hospital so I asked what happened. Instead of answering me he started accusing me on sleeping with his best friend 2 YEARS AGO. We had this discussion countless times back then. He kept telling me that if I didnt tell him the truth (in other words what he wants) he wouldnt talk to me anymore. This continued for a while but as much as I told him that nothing ever happened he wouldnt believe me. It ended with him saying that since I was telling him the truth that it sucks to be me cause he wont believe me and said "goodbye forever". He said he'd call, but didn't. You ask why and he tells you he had to take someone to the hospital. You follow up with what happened. Instead of answering (which means he was lying), he attacks you with this crap. He knows you didn't sleep with his friend. He's trying to cover his own sorry ass and make you the heavy. He's trying to manipulate and control you. He wants you to admit to something that isn't true and ask him to forgive you, beg him a bit. I'd bet week's salary that he had this over-the-top response to your reasonable inquiry, because HE was out screwing around. Take him up on his demand that you leave him alone. There's nothing to work on here but to get yourself into a lot of pain. This guys a world of trouble.
Author peacefuldreamer Posted June 27, 2004 Author Posted June 27, 2004 You know I am pretty sure that he was out screwing around. He has always started fights with me when he does something wrong. OK maybe not always but the majority of the time. In a way I think his friend has something to do with it but Im not sure. His friend did tell him 2 years ago I slept with him (probably because I laughed in his face). I just cant believe that after this long he doesnt trust me at all. Maybe you are right and he does know that I didnt. I dont know all I know is hes driving me crazy and I need to put a stop to it. I know I need to leave him alone I just dont know how. Its like a bad habit I guess I am so used to emailing him everyday how do I just stop.
StartingAgain Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 Send him a message. Tell him it is over, that his behavior the other night was the final straw. You taking him up on his desire that you leave him alone. Tell him that you cannot be with a man who lies to you and then tries to make the problem your fault. Tell him that he chose to believe his friend over the woman he claims to love and you will not live with a man who would do this to you. Tell him that you want no further contact with him. Any contact he tries to make will go unanswered. Be forthright and completely businesslike; no drama. None. Then block him on IM, email (use a spam filter and blacklist him), and phone. If he approches you in public, reiterate that you want no contact with him and walk away. If he tries to stop you, tell him if he doesn't back off you're calling the police. This is going to be hard. Rally your friends and family around you for support. And be strong! He's going to come back at you with all sorts of approaches. Ignore them. This guy's behavior is sick and he is potentially dangerous. Ask any abused woman at a woman's shelter. Their men started out by behaving the same way.
Author peacefuldreamer Posted June 27, 2004 Author Posted June 27, 2004 Thanks for the advice. I know that is what I need to do and when I am done writing this I am going to do just that. I just hope I can follow through with it. I feel completely weak when it coes to him.It is funny that you say hes potentially dangerous. Potentially , yeah maybe 5 years ago, Hes well into being dangerous now. lol. I guess its not funny but I have to laugh at myself for putting up with it for 3 years. How pathetic am I? lol. Anyway thanks again. Hopefully I dont cave in.
StartingAgain Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 Originally posted by peacefuldreamer Hopefully I dont cave in. It isn't a matter of hope. Just tell yourself right now that you won't and then don't. You're strong enough.
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