whichwayisup Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 I'll be pondering this for a while and may (as often happens) not actually "do" anything unless and until further provoked. Of course! If she comes poking around in your life or tries to contact your husband then you have ammo to fire at her. Until then, do nothing and try to push her out of your mind. She isn't worthy of ANY attention or thought inside your head. Though I still suggest smashing the CD's with those naked images of her.
Spark1111 Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 I dunno, Syd. I would warn my daughters off someone who had the reputation of a player; I would do the same for a single or divorced dating friend. You KNOW this woman loves to target ONLY MM as her pathology runs real deep. I think you should warn away, and hope you are taken seriously.
seren Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 Syd, most of us BS would do anything to help prevent another going through the awfulness of a D Day, in an ideal world we would do all we could to stop A's, BUT, what you have is information that might or might not stop the MM in his tracks. What you also have is the potential to open a huge can of worms and bring the OW back into your life. TBH, I would do anything to prevent that happening to my life, I still get odd phone calls some 4 and a half years later and it is a pain in the a***. None of us forget the A, but those of us who are lucky enough and work hard enough reconcile and the A becomes a very bad blip in our lives. I wonder what your H thinks, I would imagine, if it were my H, that he would be concerened that we would be turning up a rock and finding crap underneath it. I get revenge thoughts, most of us will have had those, I get wanting to stop the potential A in its tracks, but the MM in question is the one to do that, thing is, if it isn't this OW then it may very well be another and where does it all end? What if you hear she is after another MM, do you worry if you should do something about that too? If I have read right there is no A at the moment but a possibility that there will be. IDK, a part of me thinks that the MM should be alerted to what sort of person the OW is, but another part thinks that is his boat to row. I think I would be looking at what impact it would have upon my life and my H's life and, possibly selfishly, erase all discs and look after my own. I don't envy your decision, just hope ypu make the right one for you and yours. If the BS or MM were close friends then I would say something, if strangers maybe not and that gives me cause to think and question why that makes a difference. 1
Summer Breeze Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 In the past week I have found out new information about the OW with whom my fWH had an affair. Our d-day was about 3.5 years ago so we are pretty well reconciled now. By way of some background, the OW was actually having a A with another MM as well. The other BW had her d-day about 3 or 4 weeks before my d-day. It took me nearly 2 years to find out about the other affair, but since then the other BW and I have become friends. Her WH left her for the OW and the OW and the other WH are now together. The other BW and WH are divorced. Anyway the 2 new pieces of info are: 1. I found out that the OW is targeting yet another MM at her workplace. She moved jobs again about a year ago and seems to have reverted to her old behavior which is to target a MM at work and then use her usual MO (incessant "validation, praise and affirmation" of him) to start a friendship that progresses to an affair. I think you've been asked how you came by this information but I have the same question. Is this heresay? Is it possible you're hoping for it to be true so maybe jumping the gun? My dilemma is do I tell his wife and do I tell the other MM with whom she now lives? He's her H now, not an MM. If you were using that just for clarification because of everything going on I apologize. 2. Secondly I found several nude/raunchy photos of the OW on old back ups of our computer hard-drive. My fWH had deleted them from the computer years ago, and until last week I had never thought to look on old CD back-ups from more than 6 years ago. I dug them out from an old CD drawer and sure enough there were her nudie-rudie pictures. When I first read this yesterday I noticed you 'found' the pictures. Today when I was in reading a little more thoroughly I see it looks like you were making a conscious effort in thinking about the photos and another effort digging them out. You didn't just 'find' them as in stumble across them. What possessed you to want to go those lengths to dig them out? Was revenge or her humiliation that important to you? I am wondering if I should do anything with these. They are not pornographic as such but I expect she would be embarrassed if they got out. I wonder whether I should let her know I have them. A part of me doesn't mind embarrassing her, and I'd love to come up with a creative but legal way of humiliating her with them. It would represent just a small revenge on her for the damage she helped inflict on my family. I would say this. If you're happy embarrassing her then I'm assuming you're good to do the same to your H? I imagine you could get some raunchy photos of him so he can be equally embarrassed. At the very least I would hope you think he was equally as responsible as she was for the A so if she's a target for embarrassment then I would assume he will be too. I would really like to do something to deter her from what appears to be an ingrained pattern of behavior. I would feel bad if yet another marriage were damaged by her. From what I hear, so far the new MM seems to be doing his utmost to resist. I do know how seductive/persuasive she can be. It looks like you have nothing but heresay and a desire to keep her paying for things. To me those it's flimsy to be going to someone you seem not to have any tie to and bring this up. I might make mention to the potential BS if you think it's right but by doing it you may be getting her all wound up about something you don't even know whether or not is true. I'd say let it go myself. All thoughts about this are welcome. Bashing is not. My responses in bold. 2
soserious1 Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 In the past week I have found out new information about the OW with whom my fWH had an affair. Our d-day was about 3.5 years ago so we are pretty well reconciled now. By way of some background, the OW was actually having a A with another MM as well. The other BW had her d-day about 3 or 4 weeks before my d-day. It took me nearly 2 years to find out about the other affair, but since then the other BW and I have become friends. Her WH left her for the OW and the OW and the other WH are now together. The other BW and WH are divorced. Anyway the 2 new pieces of info are: 1. I found out that the OW is targeting yet another MM at her workplace. She moved jobs again about a year ago and seems to have reverted to her old behavior which is to target a MM at work and then use her usual MO (incessant "validation, praise and affirmation" of him) to start a friendship that progresses to an affair. My dilemma is do I tell his wife and do I tell the other MM with whom she now lives? 2. Secondly I found several nude/raunchy photos of the OW on old back ups of our computer hard-drive. My fWH had deleted them from the computer years ago, and until last week I had never thought to look on old CD back-ups from more than 6 years ago. I dug them out from an old CD drawer and sure enough there were her nudie-rudie pictures. I am wondering if I should do anything with these. They are not pornographic as such but I expect she would be embarrassed if they got out. I wonder whether I should let her know I have them. A part of me doesn't mind embarrassing her, and I'd love to come up with a creative but legal way of humiliating her with them. It would represent just a small revenge on her for the damage she helped inflict on my family. I would really like to do something to deter her from what appears to be an ingrained pattern of behavior. I would feel bad if yet another marriage were damaged by her. From what I hear, so far the new MM seems to be doing his utmost to resist. I do know how seductive/persuasive she can be. All thoughts about this are welcome. Bashing is not. The potential legal ramifications of all of these proposed actions are mind blowing. I wouldn't do any of this, I'd destroy the CD's and turn my attentions fully on my life & my marriage. 2
Trimmer Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 (edited) Responsibility/ownership of the affair and its damage to me and the family certainly rests with my H. But I'm someone that sees the OW as having a responsibility for the affair too. I know not everyone agrees but it's how I view it. Having been in your shoes, I actually understand your putting some "responsibility" on the OW, although when I engage in this thought process, I prefer to keep things separated by thinking of it as: my spouse failed in a responsibility to our marriage, and the outside person failed a societal responsibility that most people understand, to respect marriage in general. In this way, I can still hold that person responsible for his/her actions, but separate the outside person from having any continued connection or responsibility in my own marriage, finish the job of emotionally separating from them, and render them completely irrelevant in my life and in my marriage. I think you have not completed this separation from the OW, and the actions you are considering just serve to stir up and reemphasize the emotional connection you continue to have - looking backward - while not really doing anything to sever those ties in the long run, looking forward. Trinity summarizes my thoughts this way: This woman should not take up head space anymore IMO. Thinking of her is a waste of your mental energy. I want to address the idea of telling the new "target's" wife. I feel strongly that this is a bad idea. At this point, what you have shared with us is that you have (probably hearsay?) evidence that she is using "validation, praise and affirmation" on him. While you and I know that this may be a part of her pattern - take a step back here. How will you sound if you go to someone and warn that a coworker is "using validation, praise and affirmation" on another coworker? In itself, that's not much of a smoking gun in the workplace, and you do risk coming off just a bit odd. The more important point is reflected in the fact that people in this thread are already jumping to conclusions: If her husband really is interested in being with this other woman, he'lll come up with all kinds of explanations to cover his butt and you'll come off sounding like you are a bit "off your rocker." The new sugardaddy's wife isn't consenting. Hey, guys, the OP has presented no information that he is even interested or inclined. As a matter of fact, she specifically said: "From what I hear, so far the new MM seems to be doing his utmost to resist." So he's not the "new sugardaddy" - quite to the contrary, the information we have to go on is that he is doing his "utmost to resist." So how much does it infantilize him to go and warn the wife of what is going on? Further along that path, and worst of all, in the realm of being cautious of unintended consequences: have you considered the possibility that you, yourself, would actually be introducing drama into their marriage by presuming to decide what is best for them and inserting yourself into their business? Perhaps he has himself completely under control, and is appropriately brushing off this woman's advances (if that's what they are). And now you're going to go into that marriage and suggest that it is in crisis and raise the spectre of infidelity? Do you know enough about the emotional dynamic in that marriage to be sure of the outcome of such a perturbation? Will you - can you - take the responsibility for making right whatever happens as a result of any negative outcomes of inserting yourself in this way? Do you think that any outcome justifies taking revenge on this OW, even if it stirs up negative drama in this marriage? Do you have that right? I can understand what you're thinking, its like you've been through this hell and now you want the new possible BS to avoid it, or at least know earlier on than you did. Do you even know for sure that the info given to you is real? I'm not saying she's not capable of going after more MMs, but if you don't know for sure what's going on - then creating possibly (false) drama into a stranger's marriage by telling his wife false info, is just wrong. I just think that if you have absolute proof - then by all means, contact the BS and tell her everything, if its just suspicion and he said/she said - it would be pointless and would bring down a lot of unneeded drama on you. And I will reiterate that at this point, the OP believes that the husband is doing his "utmost to resist..." so clearly there is no compelling proof. (As a matter of fact, although I understand you are just trying to keep everyone straight, I think it is premature to even label his wife a "possible BS" - that label just seems to feed the false drama of the situation.) Another poster suggested showing the possible new MM the pics and "warning" him - if this guy is tempted, seeing those pics will only encourage him. If the woman is attractive and he's slightly toying with the idea the pics will only make him think "Wow, wouldn't be so hard to hit that!" - So I don't think that's a good option. Yes! Be careful of unintended consequences. You may feel so righteous that you are "entitled" to take action, and you may feel like certain consequences are worth the risk to try to "head off" what you believe is happening, but you may not be evaluating the information objectively, and you have no way of knowing, or controlling, those consequences, which will fall on the shoulders of other people. Are you ready to take responsibility for whatever happens to others as a result of your manipulations? I hope that you can find your peace with everything and that this woman no longer will have the power to stay in your thoughts or take up your energy. Part of the work you need to do in continuing your reconciliation is to disconnect from the OW. Your continued connection with her is not to your benefit, either in the short term or long, in moving forward in your life and your marriage. Edited May 31, 2012 by Trimmer 4
Author SidLyon Posted May 31, 2012 Author Posted May 31, 2012 To address/answer points/questions that have been raised, in no particular order. 1. Yes I've "heard" that this is what the OW is doing. This doesn't make it either true, or untrue for that matter. I trust my source on this. I appreciate that getting believable "evidence", sufficient to convince another wife, is a different matter. 2. I'm a lawyer so I'm fully aware of the legal ramifications of any course of action I might take. I've already said I won't do anything even remotely illegal so I'm curious about the poster who suggested there were "mind blowing" legal problems. Are you an expert in Australian law? 3. My husband is aware of my concerns. 4. Our computer had a total hard drive failure. It's a sad reflection on us that the most recent complete back-up (including XP) was over 6 years old. The photos were on the back up CDs. At this stage destruction is not an option but maybe when we get our "new" system fully functioning and completely backed up... 5. I will take on board suggestions that I move on from wanting revenge on the OW. It's often said that healing from an affair is a 2-5 year process. My H and I have exhausted the "how could you do this" drama. He and I are on the same page now. My experience is that the desire for "revenge" (or wanting her to suffer consequences) on the OW lasts a long time and outlives much of the reconciliation of the marriage. For me it's not actually a part of our marriage or my everyday life, but is still there in a my mind. As a BW I've noticed that many other people really want the BS to "move on" at a pace which is faster than what I'm comfortable with. After 3.5 years and my time on LS, I'm quite used to it now. I think it might be that there is a different attitude to therapy/counseling in the USA to here. 3. I don't want to unnecessarily upset the wife of the new MM she's targeting, and so would tread very carefully in approaching her. Thanks to those that took the trouble to reply thoughtfully.
Trimmer Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 3. I don't want to unnecessarily upset the wife of the new MM she's targeting, and so would tread very carefully in approaching her. First, you have two items #3... I'm interested why you would propose to approach the wife. Are you assuming that her husband is somehow already complict in an approaching betrayal? That he sees what is happening and isn't doing enough in your mind? Or that he doesn't see the risk that is approaching? If it's this latter case, why not approach him? (Note, I'm not advocating that you do so, just trying to understand your motivation for approaching the wife.) I still think that approaching the wife and not the husband says something interesting about your attitude, I just can't put my finger on it... Essentially that you don't trust the husband to be able to (or to want to) do the right thing, even if you were to approach him with your info. 1
Author SidLyon Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 First, you have two items #3... I'm interested why you would propose to approach the wife. Are you assuming that her husband is somehow already complict in an approaching betrayal? That he sees what is happening and isn't doing enough in your mind? Or that he doesn't see the risk that is approaching? If it's this latter case, why not approach him? (Note, I'm not advocating that you do so, just trying to understand your motivation for approaching the wife.) I still think that approaching the wife and not the husband says something interesting about your attitude, I just can't put my finger on it... Essentially that you don't trust the husband to be able to (or to want to) do the right thing, even if you were to approach him with your info. I don't know these people to make any personal judgments about them. I already said that I "heard" he is resisting. If my attitude is "interesting" then so be it. 1
Trimmer Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 I don't know these people to make any personal judgments about them. I already said that I "heard" he is resisting. If my attitude is "interesting" then so be it. I'm sorry, that probably came off a little abrasive. Simply put, and without judgement: why not approach the husband about it - since he's the one you feel is "under the gun", it seems to reduce the possibility that you would unintentionally inject negative drama into their marriage dynamic... That's all I meant.
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