New information

[SidLyon]

In the past week I have found out new information about the OW with whom my fWH had an affair. Our d-day was about 3.5 years ago so we are pretty well reconciled now.

 

By way of some background, the OW was actually having a A with another MM as well. The other BW had her d-day about 3 or 4 weeks before my d-day. It took me nearly 2 years to find out about the other affair, but since then the other BW and I have become friends. Her WH left her for the OW and the OW and the other WH are now together. The other BW and WH are divorced.

 

Anyway the 2 new pieces of info are:

 

1. I found out that the OW is targeting yet another MM at her workplace. She moved jobs again about a year ago and seems to have reverted to her old behavior which is to target a MM at work and then use her usual MO (incessant "validation, praise and affirmation" of him) to start a friendship that progresses to an affair.

 

My dilemma is do I tell his wife and do I tell the other MM with whom she now lives?

 

2. Secondly I found several nude/raunchy photos of the OW on old back ups of our computer hard-drive. My fWH had deleted them from the computer years ago, and until last week I had never thought to look on old CD back-ups from more than 6 years ago. I dug them out from an old CD drawer and sure enough there were her nudie-rudie pictures.

 

I am wondering if I should do anything with these. They are not pornographic as such but I expect she would be embarrassed if they got out. I wonder whether I should let her know I have them. A part of me doesn't mind embarrassing her, and I'd love to come up with a creative but legal way of humiliating her with them. It would represent just a small revenge on her for the damage she helped inflict on my family.

 

I would really like to do something to deter her from what appears to be an ingrained pattern of behavior. I would feel bad if yet another marriage were damaged by her. From what I hear, so far the new MM seems to be doing his utmost to resist. I do know how seductive/persuasive she can be.

 

All thoughts about this are welcome. Bashing is not.

[Artie Lang]

if you've truly reconciled like you said, i'd leave it alone.

 

the other WH in question got what he asked for-- a serial cheater. it's time his ship sunk. i'd pay to see the look on his face when he finds out he's been played by this skeezer. he he he.

[MissBee]

I agree to leave it alone. This woman is going to do what she wants to do and you can't really be responsible for watching her and stopping her from engaging in that kind of behavior. I'd want to be so far from her and her mess frankly and would run far away from it. I don't think you can stop her from doing this sort of thing and it may only end up more messy for you...so I'd leave her up to her own devises and trust that it will catch up to her.

 

I understand not wanting other people's marriages to be ruined but really, she is only one partner in the crime, so these MM need to grow some testicles and shun her if they do not want her. But yea....I'd really just keep on keeping on and leave her alone.

[YellowShark]

...the OW was actually having a A with another MM as well.

 

Generally they always do. Not a surprise. If they will cheat *with* you... the will cheat *on* you as well.

 

...It would represent just a small revenge on her for the damage she helped inflict on my family.

 

Hey, wait a sec. "She" didn't do this to your family. Your husband did. He could have said no and walked away from her advances and he didn't. So place the ownership for the affair and the damage to your family where it belongs, with your WS.

 

Don't do anything, let sleeping dogs lie. And judging from your desire for "revenge" I would say you are sooooooooo not over this affair SidLyon.

[SidLyon]

Generally they always do. Not a surprise. If they will cheat *with* you... the will cheat *on* you as well.

 

 

 

Hey, wait a sec. "She" didn't do this to your family. Your husband did. He could have said no and walked away from her advances and he didn't. So place the ownership for the affair and the damage to your family where it belongs, with your WS.

 

Don't do anything, let sleeping dogs lie. And judging from your desire for "revenge" I would say you are sooooooooo not over this affair SidLyon.

 

No I'm not "over" the affair and often feel I never will be. It's not the same as saying my H and I aren't reconciled though.

 

Responsibility/ownership of the affair and its damage to me and the family certainly rests with my H. But I'm someone that sees the OW as having a responsibility for the affair too. I know not everyone agrees but it's how I view it.

[Got it]

At what point do you move on?

 

It is your choice but understand the consequences as well to your actions and prepare for them. You are 3.5 years past dday. Do you want to show that your life has remained emotionally frozen?

 

Do what you feel is best for you and your life.

[YellowShark]

Responsibility/ownership of the affair and its damage to me and the family certainly rests with my H. But I'm someone that sees the OW as having a responsibility for the affair too. I know not everyone agrees but it's how I view it.

 

Without your husband cheating there would have been no affair, or damage to your family. The OW had no loyalty to you, or your family. She never made any promises to be faithful to you. She was an outsider, who was brought into your world BY YOUR HUSBAND. He caused all this pain.

 

Let sleeping dogs lie. Stop trying to seek revenge. If you are still angry then put the anger where it belongs, in your cheating husbands lap. And frankly if you are still this angry 3-4 years later, perhaps you need to speak with a therapist about it. Just a thought.

[frozensprouts]

No I'm not "over" the affair and often feel I never will be. It's not the same as saying my H and I aren't reconciled though.

 

Responsibility/ownership of the affair and its damage to me and the family certainly rests with my H. But I'm someone that sees the OW as having a responsibility for the affair too. I know not everyone agrees but it's how I view it.

 

for what it's worth, I agree...and if being angry with her feels right for you, that's okay...just make sure that you don't transfer all the blame onto her ( sounds like you have handled that well, and have held your husband accountable for his actions and the pain he caused you)

 

About telling the wife of her latest interest, I can understand why you have the urge to, but unless you know her personally, you may just come off sounding like a "nut" if you try and warn her. If her husband really is interested in being with this other woman, he'lll come up with all kinds of explanations to cover his butt and you'll come off sounding like you are a bit "off your rocker."

 

Your husband's ex other woman is cut from the same cloth as my husband's ex other woman, so I understand where you are coming from. I did warn a few wives about her behavior ( they are friends of mine) when I saw the tell tale signs of her trying to start things up with their husbands. Fortuneately, their husband's had better sense about it than mine did, and nothing really happened. There was one other woman who I warned...we were at a formal squadron function, and I found he room the bathroom crying about something. We stated talking, and she eventually told me that she was worried about her husband and a woman he worked with. You get three guesses as to who it was, and the first two don't count:laugh:. Without being too specific, i told her that she did have a reputation for acting inappropriately with married men, and left it at that. Not sure what happened, but she and her hsuband and are still together.

 

As for the pictures, perhaps it's best if you just destroy them...maybe this is something you and your husband could do together, kind as a way of putting the past behind you...

 

glad you and your husband have found your way back to each other...and here's to brighter days ahead

[jwi71]

 

1. I found out that the OW is targeting yet another MM at her workplace. She moved jobs again about a year ago and seems to have reverted to her old behavior which is to target a MM at work and then use her usual MO (incessant "validation, praise and affirmation" of him) to start a friendship that progresses to an affair.

 

My dilemma is do I tell his wife and do I tell the other MM with whom she now lives?

 

I would approach the new MM she is pursuing.

Tell him what you say here.

Give him the nudie pictures as proof.

 

2. Secondly I found several nude/raunchy photos of the OW on old back ups of our computer hard-drive. My fWH had deleted them from the computer years ago, and until last week I had never thought to look on old CD back-ups from more than 6 years ago. I dug them out from an old CD drawer and sure enough there were her nudie-rudie pictures.

 

I am wondering if I should do anything with these.

 

You could deliver them to the new MM as suggested above.

You could send them to your BW friend

You could send them to the OW

You could send them to her current H

You could send it to the four above and simply trust that it will spread like a virus.

 

It would represent just a small revenge on her for the damage she helped inflict on my family

 

And this is why you don't do anything.

While revenge is a perfectly acceptable reason to act, its not a healthy whose roots are in pain and anger.

 

If you want revenge on her then do two things:

 

1) be happy

2) forgive her (and understand that she is broken (a serial cheater) and is not in a good or healthy place - her life must be unbearable)

 

I would really like to do something to deter her from what appears to be an ingrained pattern of behavior

 

It is NOT YOUR job/role/place to fix or heal or help or deter her. And considering your past connection to her, you are not likely to be heard.

 

I would feel bad if yet another marriage were damaged by her. From what I hear, so far the new MM seems to be doing his utmost to resist. I do know how seductive/persuasive she can be.

 

You can't sell someone what they don't want to buy.

 

This is NOT your mess. Its a character test for others...leave it to them.

[Snowflower]

Without being too specific, i told her that she did have a reputation for acting inappropriately with married men, and left it at that.

 

 

If it is really bothering you about the latest "targeted" MM, then by all means do something about it. I like Frozensprout's approach about what she did in her situation...keep it simple and brief. Or, you could approach the MM directly with your concerns. I'm not sure how well you know this potential MM and his wife.

 

Personally, I think if we have the opportunity to try to avert a disaster in the making, we should at least try. Maybe something good will come of the pain you endured if you have the "knowledge" (not sure if that is the right word, but the only one I can think of at the moment!) to try to prevent another marriage from being damaged the way yours was.

 

All you can do is try to forewarn this couple if you feel the compulsion to do so. After that, it is on the husband in that situation to do the right thing. But, knowledge is power I say!

[turnera]

I would tell the other MM. I would find a way to let her new boss know that she's now doing it again. And I would send her an anonymous message saying you're the wife of one of her past targets and you have lots of nasty stuff that would not be great for her career if it ever got out and she may want to reconsider targeting yet another MM, because you'll be watching.

[Snowflower]

But then what happens when she moves on to the next target? She can't save them all.

 

No she can't save them all, you're right. But Sid is aware of this targeted MM. At least it is one instance where Sid can help. From what Sid posts, she feels some type of compulsion to try to forewarn this couple. Sid has first-hand knowledge and experience with this particular (other)woman that was painfully gained.

 

If she has the opportunity to at least warn this particular MM (or his wife, or both), then it is my opinion that she should speak up if she feels comfortable doing so.

 

Either way, the OW in this situation will likely move on to yet another MM when she gets bored. IMO, there is no harm in telling and perhaps averting at least one painful situation.

Edited May 30, 2012 by Snowflower

[carhill]

My .02...

 

If notification is desired, send irrefutable hard evidence to the relevant parties anonymously. This would be the kind of evidence private investigators develop when pursuing cases.

 

Then, redirect that energy back to the primary relationship, the M. Energy expended on people outside the M takes away from the M. Part of reconciliation is narrowing one's focus to the M, on both sides, and disallowing intrusion from outside distractions.

 

If this is problematical, IC can help. I presume H's focus is proactively on the M and he isn't similarly distracted by the dealings of his fOW. If inaccurate, MC would be my suggestion. A tune-up. MC is great for focus and clarity.

 

Myself, I'd put the OW in the past. Accept the past and move on.

[PenelopeTheFaithful]

If people invested half the energy in their own marriages that they are willing to invest in other people's, the world would spin a lot more smoothly. My view is to focus your anger where it's due, on your husband who intentionally or otherwise kept mementos of his affair.

 

If your husband's fOW suddenly put nude photographs of you about the place that she'd found on a memory stick your husband had left at her home 4 years ago and recently rediscovered, you'd be outraged that she was (1) betraying your privacy in that fashion and (2) still going on about something that had happened in the past. The boot is on the other foot, but the same cautions apply.

[turnera]

I disagree. When a predator is on the loose and innocent people are going to be caught up, and you hold information that could help them, it behooves you to act.

[Radagast]

I disagree. When a predator is on the loose and innocent people are going to be caught up, and you hold information that could help them, it behooves you to act.

 

"Predator"? We're talking consenting adults, here.

[turnera]

The new sugardaddy's wife isn't consenting.

[turnera]

You think a serial cheater is not a predator?

[Radu]

You think a serial cheater is not a predator?

 

She sounds like a predator.

[MollyBrown]

I can see why you would want to warn people about this woman, but if a MM is going to cheat, he is going to cheat regardless of what you say to him. Better to just try to keep it out of your head. Everyone is tested from time to time and how they react depends upon them, not us warning them. Hopefully, he is smart enough to see that train wreck coming.

 

This could also be a test for you. Can you just let it go and stay focussed on your own marriage? Believe me, I know it's hard sometimes. But it always seems to feel good to resist the urge to yell about the OW from the rooftop.

[TigerCub]

Hey Sid,

 

I can understand what you're thinking, its like you've been through this hell and now you want the new possible BS to avoid it, or at least know earlier on than you did.

 

Do you even know for sure that the info given to you is real? I'm not saying she's not capable of going after more MMs, but if you don't know for sure what's going on - then creating possibly (false) drama into a stranger's marriage by telling his wife false info, is just wrong.

 

I just think that if you have absolute proof - then by all means, contact the BS and tell her everything, if its just suspicion and he said/she said - it would be pointless and would bring down a lot of unneeded drama on you.

 

Another poster suggested showing the possible new MM the pics and "warning" him - if this guy is tempted, seeing those pics will only encourage him. If the woman is attractive and he's slightly toying with the idea the pics will only make him think "Wow, wouldn't be so hard to hit that!" - So I don't think that's a good option.

 

I know your experience has stayed with you (understandably so) and you see it possibly happening to someone else and you want to help, but without proof, you can't.

 

I hope that you can find your peace with everything and that this woman no longer will have the power to stay in your thoughts or take up your energy.

 

Good luck!

[sad puppy]

Always be prepared to accept the consequences of your behavior. To me, this sounds like cracking open a hornet's nest. Revenge sounds great in theory but all research point to a lack of gratification afterwards. Ponder the string of events that may occur should you pursue this route. It could be a nightmare. Is your husband in on this plan?

[pureinheart]

How did you even find out? Did you actively seek the information or was it presented to you? This woman should not take up head space anymore IMO. Thinking of her is a waste of your mental energy.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking, it's done and over with, the marriage is fine, it's just an open door to allow hate creep in.

 

Concerning the OW and the other MM, I seriously doubt he had to be seduced that much. While people can be highly seductive, those that are not interested say no and stick to it.

[SidLyon]

Thanks for the discussion everyone and for being polite. :-)

 

Lots of different views for me to consider.

 

I will in fact do what I consider to be right for me (which includes what is right for my H and kids). I won't be doing anything even borderline illegal.

 

What this means is that I may warn the new MM and his wife (who is not yet a BW to my knowledge). I won't send unsolicited photos to either of them but will probably offer them if they want. What is "good" or "right" for the OW won't enter into my calculations at all.

 

I'll be pondering this for a while and may (as often happens) not actually "do" anything unless and until further provoked.

[whichwayisup]

2. Secondly I found several nude/raunchy photos of the OW on old back ups of our computer hard-drive. My fWH had deleted them from the computer years ago, and until last week I had never thought to look on old CD back-ups from more than 6 years ago. I dug them out from an old CD drawer and sure enough there were her nudie-rudie pictures.

 

Smash the CD's and forget about it.

 

And the rest? Let it go. Who cares what she does with whom, just be glad she's out of your life (and your H's life too). Opening that door is just adding drama into your life too. Don't bother.