KSE Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Hello all, I'm mustering up the courage to post, after reading a great deal of other peoples experiences on these forums, digesting several "get your ex back" self-help books and pretty much the entire internet. My Story I was in a relationship for 3 years, 9 months. I had known my partner for about 6 years prior to us getting together, some would say we were friends during that time, but the reality is we just always flirted together and had chemistry. It took me many "movie nights" at my place before I eventually got some drunken courage to actually hit on her to start the ball rolling. During the course of the relationship we had a handful of 'fights' of significance, which we'd get over relatively quickly with me begging my case for being stupid. The same issues cropped up, basically I failed at communication, was extremely self-centred and rarely affectionate outside of the bedroom. In hindsight I didn't provide my partner with much, if any, emotional support and as such broke my unspoken promise to support her. I always thought that our relationship was sensational 99% of the time, where the 1% was when she boiled over and we had our fights about the above. In reality it may have been the inverse for her - so-so for 99% of the time and great for 1% of the time. As I kept making the same mistakes, I told myself that the next time she pulled me up on it, that I'd just let her be and we'd part ways, as I actually thought I was doing my best and that that may not have been good enough for her, and she deserved the world. I suffered from A LOT of compounding stress from my job which was putting a great deal of strain on our relationship. Finally when she brought it up again (which admittedly was a long time since the previous) I bowed out, saying that I couldn't deal with my job and also that at the time. We 'technically' broke up during this conversation (which was back in January). However, I slept that night in the spare bed, and attempted to spend the second night in the spare bed, but she was distraught and wanted me to sleep with her. After that we slept together and we both jokingly said that we "were just friends", yet our relationship for the next 3 months was seemingly the best it ever was. I think this was because a ) i actually gave more emotional support and attentiveness, b ) there seemed to be less "pressure on us" as we were just "friends". Anyway, jumping back one step - work stress was snowballing until I had a fairly large breakdown (about a week after we had "broken up"), to which I ended up seeing a Psychiatrist. He told me that I had a clean bill of mental health, but I needed to stop listening to everyone else and listen to my heart re: work, as life's too short to do **** that you can't stand. So that afternoon I gave my 4 weeks notice. This also helped our relationship ten-fold. All the while I was contemplating going travelling to 'find myself' for 6 months or so. I initially had the interest of my partner to do it with me, but her idea of travelling and mine conflicted so she ended up pulling the pin, but supported me to do it. I had, naively, assumed that I'd go travelling and that we'd remain together whilst I did so. She informed me otherwise, and that we'd break up during this time. I then naively assumed that we'd get back together upon my return, to which I was also incorrect. I thought I was okay with the whole situation, as we had "parted ways" in January anyway. However it turns out after a few days away, I began to regret the decision. I informed her immediately and she pulled NC on me, which she failed at miserably. We then continued talking about our future, or lack there of, I spilled my guts about where, why, how I ****ed up, and then I respectfully gave her some space, until a couple weeks in I had quite a large anxiety attack about being lonely in a foreign country, missing home, missing her, missing everyone. I rang her, broke down, admitted I had ****ed up (again) and relied on her for emotional support. We talked for a week or so after, but I realised that I was extremely needy and it was unfair on her so I then told her that I'd give her her space and leave her be to get my head right. When we were in correspondence during my travels (namely MSN), she mentioned once or twice that "surely i'd find this with someone else", "she's enjoying living on her own", and a few other not so subtle hints of she fine without me. However she also sent many other mixed messages, saying she misses me, she loves me, reminiscing, and the occasional dirty conversation. My 6 months of travel only turned into 6 weeks of travel until I was over flying solo and I returned home. I respectfully let her know of my return, such that she didn't find out from other sources. At which time she had only heard from me once in 2 weeks. After a few days of returning I left a voice message, she called me back and she asked me to meet to catch up, and advised that I "bring tissues" as I wouldn't like the conversation. We had hot drinks, I was expecting a 20 minute tops conversation, but we were there for almost 2 hours, chatting, laughing, keeping it light. Generally having a good time. She wouldn't bring up our relationship at all, so when I asked what she wanted to meet me for she simply replied with "I don't want to go back there". Since that meeting, I elected to give her her space with no further contact. She then called me that Friday night (turns out she had a few drinks) to let me know that a mutual friend was organising a dinner catch-up and she invited me. I didn't know she was tipsy at the time, but she sounded very happy to hear my voice. We had the dinner last night. It was okay for the most part, but she did 'rip me' (scathing teases, in a "joking" manner) on a few occasions. Also at the dinner were 2 friends who had literally broken up that day, so they were very awkward. Yet we weren't. I was generally my self for the entire time, bar one moment when I got a little cranky at one of our friends taking the piss out of me in relation to my ex. Which she could tell, and asked if I were okay, as she realised I may have actually gotten hurt from the jokes. My ex mentioned that she's not been eating well, and has been drinking a fair bit. Which i'm guessing is clearly her way of dealing with the pain that I put her through, and now I guess i'm putting her through all over again since I've returned. I also think it's fair to assume that she has GIGS, as she went out to dinner and had drinks with a guy the second week I was away (which didn't go anywhere). 3 of us went to the pub for some more drinks after dinner (not my ex) and they both said I don't need to worry about anything, they could see how much chemistry we still have, how she flirted with me, and that we'll back in no time. We ended up getting fairly drunk, and I unloaded a huge amount of emotions onto a friend, basically sobbing in conversation about how I want her back, how she said some spiteful things during dinner, how she's not looking after herself and I worry about her, how blah blah blah blah. I've been alright this past week, until then. I'm yet to contact her since dinner. She's always online on MSN, which is her preferred form of communication, yet I haven't spoken to her there for well over 2 weeks. I try not to read into it, but she hasn't blocked me there, so I'm assuming she wouldn't mind talking. It's taken me a while to realise that I basically ran away from her, for my own selfish needs, i've hurt her in so many ways and i've let her down countless times. I'm trying to slowly show her that i've grown from the experience and that any future relationships would never "go back there". Advice? Should I get back to contacting her, or try and wait to see if she calls again? I apologised a couple of times during my travels, but I haven't brought any of it up for a while. Is it time to apologise again, or just wait it out? I need to earn her trust back before anything else. I'm the one who ran from her, and instigated all of the hurt that we're both dealing with, so it should be up to me to fix it. I want her in my life, for the long haul, I won't be pushing her at all or rushing anything. But i'm very confused as to what she's thinking, or wanting me to do: if anything at all. I also know that she's confused with it all too. Wow, that was long. This actually helps just getting it off my chest. Thanks for reading (if you did to the end or not is a different matter entirely).
Philosoraptor Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 You keep calling yourself selfish but I just don't see it. You took care of yourself and did the things you wanted to do with your own life. You didn't force her to do anything nor did you make any unfair demands. What it sounds like is that the chemistry is there but the compatibility isn't. In which ways were you being "stupid"? And furthermore was it you who thinks you were being stupid? If it wasn't for her reactions would you have still considered it stupid?
Author KSE Posted May 31, 2012 Author Posted May 31, 2012 Hi, thanks for the reply. To me stupidity is when someone repeats the same mistake without learning from it. On several occasions I was told that I'm a poor communicator, it would be appreciated if I offered more affection and just made more of an effort on the small things. As far as I'm concerned these comments from her weren't out of line at all and were all actionable from me. So yeah, that's stupid. Having been gone away, travelling alone, with much time for self-reflection (note: not self pity, I don't regret travelling as I would never have come to these conclusions or self-development without doing so) I have come to my own conclusions that these actions were stupid, and not from her reactions. She deserved to be treated better, on a daily basis, and I didn't do that. Further to my original post, I spent the best part of a year last year on a 'self-improvement' program (called Scrawny to Brawny, it's amazing if anyone's interested in weight gain and self-development). This program changed me for the better, also - but I did dedicate A LOT of time to it, it changed how we both lived and even though it was healthy for both of us, she thought it put her back in the pecking order of my priorities. She had made me aware several times that she rarely felt special with me (other than when we were intimate in the bedroom, the one place she was my entire world for the entire time and I poured myself into her), feeling she was behind in my life-list to: my work, my weight gain, and even my dog. Which could never have been further from the truth, but hey - actions speak louder than words.
Philosoraptor Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 Again, you were being yourself and not living a lie. You were not intentionally holding things back, just doing what felt natural. That's not selfish, it's being yourself.
Author KSE Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 Providing an update: in summary it's not going to happen and I now need to move on. It sucks, but I finally have some closure at least. She still seems a little up in the air about the whole thing, wouldn't give me a direct answer when I asked in no uncertain terms: are we over for good? But i'm collecting my remaining belongings next Tuesday from her place (TV, dryer, etc), so that's closure enough. Into NC I go, will be hard to delete her from my contacts etc, but I guess it has to be done. She did say that she has no issues with running into me at mutual gatherings etc, but has no desire to do anything on a 1 on 1 basis as she believes I want more than friendship (which is true, I guess), and that she needs to get away from me. Thanks for the input. Oh, also - am I able to have this thread deleted? Cheers,
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