VioletFemme Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I'm getting closer and closer to ending the...relationship, arrangement, affair...with my neighbor. Every time we get together for sex, and part ways, I wait longer and longer before contacting him. I've made myself not text or call him since Saturday this time around...I nearly wavered tonight but stayed strong. We both work so much it's easier to avoid him than I ever thought possible. I remain in my apartment, sleeping, till long after I know he has left for work for the day. I get up, go to work, and stay there long hours, or go grab a drink with friends afterwards. I come home long after the time I know he is usually tucked in to bed getting ready for sleep. I hold off on picking up the phone until after I KNOW he is sleeping--then I could not text or call without waking him up, so I don't text or call. I know and accept that this isn't what I want, exactly. I accept this is just an arrangement of some convienence--for us both. It's a "for now" thing and how long exactly does "for now" last? I admire and envy persons who can cut the cord brutally, completely, with finality. But I am not one of them. So...I do it slowly. I am doing it slowly. I test my limits more each time. When I can resist the urge to contact him for a week straight I will consider it a victory. Two weeks, and I just might be done. Three weeks, and it's a for sure thing. Although, at some point he will pick up the phone and call or text me (or so this has been the case so far.) Unless, this is the time he doesn't. Maybe he's decided to get his stuff together and his choice has been to reconcile his marriage. Whatever he's doing, right now, it's his move. Until I cave. Which I'm pretty sure will happen. I do miss him though, and almost crave the...sexual intimacy we share. I keep telling myself that even though it's some of the best sex of my life, that is NOT an anomoly--I can find it somewhere else, with someone else who can give me the complete package, committment, etc. Knowing the right thing to do and having the strength to do it...for now, I'm halfway there. I know, but the strength is missing. But I'm trying. I'm exercising my own will power like it is a muscle. And muscles get stronger with training, so my will power should too. I'm getting stronger, every day. I don't want advice. Not really. I wouldn't mind input from someone who has struggled with the ending of their own affair. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for in this thread. Encouragement would be nice, but it's not necessary. I may be merely sharing my experience, in case there is someone out there who needs to know its okay to go at your own pace to extricate yourself from a mess of your own making.
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 No advice here. Just know that you are doing well and by detaching yourself from him is going to help you get through this. That and the big efforts you've made to avoid seeing him, avoid texting him, and calling him. You should be proud of yourself! You're very strong and making sure that you do not let yourself down by caving. If and when the time comes he divorces, THEN if you are free and single, you can 'date' him in the proper way when the timing is better. Hang in there and keep doing what you're doing!
Silly_Girl Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 VF, I struggled to end things and went back. I know that inner war you're going through. Something I am certain of though, from my experience, from talking to others and from reading here is that ending things before you're ready just creates a big sloppy mess. I see you berating yourself for not being quicker or more determined but honestly, what you're doing is right because it's YOUR way, YOUR terms, and anything you learn or achieve in the process will be constructive and positive. But damn - its hard, ain't it?!
pureinheart Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 It is sooooo hard, but the one thing that helped me was the knowledge that the relationship was not going anywhere and never would. This is not a whole lot different than the single commitment phobe. I set my mind to dwell on those things, that it would go no where fast. It's a process hon, just keep doing what you are with the avoidance tactic, and sooner than you may think you'll feel nothing. ((((((((hugs)))))))
skywriter Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 It sounds like you have a good plan and are progressing well with it. I, like to think, get through a step at a time and consider each progression a victory. It's working and that's good enough for now.
woinlove Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I keep telling myself that even though it's some of the best sex of my life, that is NOT an anomoly--I can find it somewhere else, with someone else who can give me the complete package, committment, etc. Yes, you can!! Keep moving toward the life you want, the complete package, and you'll be moving toward greater happiness and fulfillment even though there'll be some bumps along the way. 1
Got it Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 ((((VF)))) I get it, I am similar, it is the killing it softly (slowly) approach. When you are done you will be done and I wouldn't question why you are choosing the method that you are. It is what is working right now for you and sometimes a complete detachment is too difficult. Keep focusing on your life, filling it up with amazing things.
woinlove Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I also agree with comments that you should not berate yourself for not ending things quicker. There are examples on LS of OW literally taking years to extract themselves, but, nevertheless, finally coming out happy and free years later. In your case, you are clearly thinking of what you need, what you want, what you are getting, and how to fix the imbalance between what you are getting and what you want - and this is all going on in the timeframe of weeks, not years. So I think you are doing really well and if you keep thinking about these things and moving closer to what you want and need, you'll end up where you want to be. Having said all that, in my own experience, NC is what allowed me to fully move on, but I spent weeks too nudging to that point.
Author VioletFemme Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Thanks for the replies. I woke up this morning feeling a little less...confused. And a little stronger. Glad that I did not give in and contact him yesterday. Hope I can get thru today strong too. 2
Author VioletFemme Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 Well I finally broke. Five days...couldn't even make it a week. I felt worse after texting him than I did before though. I need to remember that next time I'm so tempted to get ahold of him. Gawd, this sucks. So bad.
may2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Hang in there! At least you are trying and starting the process. Can't say the same for me...
Heather1 Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 It's so addictive, it's REALLY hard to end!! We've tried everything, & it's been 5 years. We'll go 6 months, one time a year before we even saw each other. I think there just comes a time where you're done & you see it for what it is, an unfulfilling R. I've done LC, NC, etc.. I think LC creates less drama & you can kind of crawl your way out of it. NC creates incredible loss & grief & you make them into some kind of super hero you miss them so much!! Hopefully, in your case, you'll find someone else & not look back . Just leave that open & you'll be fine.
PeineDeCoeur Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 Hi VF; Sometimes you have to fall off the wagon to remember why you were on it. I've done it myself.. and it sucks and brings pain. Something you said hit home with me in an earlier thread, about experiencing really great loving sex, and wanting to continue... it is really hard to acknowledge that that might be over. It was for me. The good thing about going through this "giving in", though, is that I learned something about myself from it, about what kind of person I want to invite into my life. Sometimes the struggle is to keep the focus on yourself and not on them, and what they're doing and what they might do in the future. And begin to move away from the memories. I keep my focus on the next time I'm ready to go there with another (single!) man, it will only be better, and truer. If that makes any sense.
Kismetly Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 I'm getting closer and closer to ending the...relationship, arrangement, affair...with my neighbor. Every time we get together for sex, and part ways, I wait longer and longer before contacting him. I've made myself not text or call him since Saturday this time around...I nearly wavered tonight but stayed strong. ... ... I admire and envy persons who can cut the cord brutally, completely, with finality. But I am not one of them. So...I do it slowly. I am doing it slowly. I test my limits more each time. When I can resist the urge to contact him for a week straight I will consider it a victory. Two weeks, and I just might be done. Three weeks, and it's a for sure thing. Although, at some point he will pick up the phone and call or text me (or so this has been the case so far.) Unless, this is the time he doesn't. Maybe he's decided to get his stuff together and his choice has been to reconcile his marriage. Whatever he's doing, right now, it's his move. Until I cave. Which I'm pretty sure will happen. ... ... Knowing the right thing to do and having the strength to do it...for now, I'm halfway there. I know, but the strength is missing. But I'm trying. I'm exercising my own will power like it is a muscle. And muscles get stronger with training, so my will power should too. I'm getting stronger, every day. I don't want advice. Not really. I wouldn't mind input from someone who has struggled with the ending of their own affair. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for in this thread. Encouragement would be nice, but it's not necessary. I may be merely sharing my experience, in case there is someone out there who needs to know its okay to go at your own pace to extricate yourself from a mess of your own making. I'm right there with you sista. I know this man is toxic and so, so bad for me, and I've been in LC for about 6 weeks. It sucks. I haven't yet made the leap to really internalising that NC is a tool for me to regain myself and really get over him - I'm still hoping he'll react to NC and change into the man I wanted him to be. Ha ha ha ... I don't have any advice - but a lot of empathy.
Author VioletFemme Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 I'm right there with you sista. I know this man is toxic and so, so bad for me, and I've been in LC for about 6 weeks. It sucks. I haven't yet made the leap to really internalising that NC is a tool for me to regain myself and really get over him - I'm still hoping he'll react to NC and change into the man I wanted him to be. Ha ha ha ... I don't have any advice - but a lot of empathy. Oh dear. I caved again...last night. Had him over. I hear you in the above statement: I know this man is toxic and so, so bad for me. I know this too. Know it, believe it, feel it...and feel like its a damn addiction that I'm trying to break away from. Addictive, toxic behaviors. Yuck. I just have to keep trying...and keep trying....and keep trying. I have faith that eventually I will succeed. Just...need time. And support lol.
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Oh dear. I caved again...last night. Had him over. I hear you in the above statement: I know this man is toxic and so, so bad for me. I know this too. Know it, believe it, feel it...and feel like its a damn addiction that I'm trying to break away from. Addictive, toxic behaviors. Yuck. I just have to keep trying...and keep trying....and keep trying. I have faith that eventually I will succeed. Just...need time. And support lol. Then just stop. Talk to him and ask him to please back off and if by chance you cave again, for HIM to say NO to you. You are the one who is hurting here, NOT him. He will take as long as you give to him. He isn't emotionally attached to you. Remember that next time you call him and ask him to come to your house. YOU are the one who suffers and feels bad later. He just goes home with a smile on his face....
Recommended Posts