vader44 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I've been dating a girl for a few months and everything is going very well. We like each other a lot and there are no issues in our relationship. However, she has indicated multiple times that she does not want to have any sort of sex until marriage. She doesn't want anything beyond second base. I haven't tried to initiate sex with her (I'm not to that stage yet either), but rather she volunteered the info. She's very serious about her Christian faith so I think that is a component. I'm not very religious myself. We're both in our late 20s. I'm having a problem with this, because sex is important to me in a relationship. Not as a physical need but rather to express things. It's clear that her views are extremely important to her, and I completely respect that even if I don't agree. I don't want to try to convince her to compromise her principals, because I care about her too much and I feel like she'll inevitably regret it later. I don't want to be part of something she regrets and I don't want our relationship to be some sort of competition. What should I do? Is this relationship doomed? I feel like when she told me these things, she was saying there is a limit to how much our relationship can grow, and I feel hurt by that. Any thoughts are appreciated.
mortensorchid Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 It depends here. If you care for this girl and respect her feelings and opinions, then you should withhold sex. I will not actually ask if you want to marry her or not, but think of this possibility, because she is saying that it's not going to happen unless she gets the ring. If the answer is yes, then you have to withhold. If the answer is no, then you should reconsider it.
hiimgerman Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I think you think too much. You've been doing a good job respecting her and not forcing her into anything so keep up with it! Besides, sex requires consent from both parties, you'll get it one day if you truly love her. You just wait.
Pfiend101 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I would bail out now. Why pay for the dinner when you don't even get a bite. I'm gonna be honest here. If she's blowin ya its one thing but only second base? Come on. This is 2012 not 1912. Leave now and find you a decent girl that will jump your bones. Ask yourself this. What if you wait a year or more to be married and she decides she still doesnt want sex? What if you find out she only wants to have sex with you once every 6 months? What if she decides she doesnt like sex at all? You're up sh**s creek. Except instead of gettin laid your paying her your hard earned money through a divorce. Relationships these days aren't a fairy tale. Chances are this one isnt. There is only one option in my opinion. Move on to another woman.
Emilia Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I'm having a problem with this, because sex is important to me in a relationship. Not as a physical need but rather to express things. I would leave. I couldn't be with someone who thought sex was something shameful only for procreation or simply didn't understand the need for intimacy. There was one guy I have ever dated who grew up in a society where sex before marriage was unusual and he knew the basics, etc but didn't understand how to create and maintain intimacy. Never again. 1
oaks Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I'm having a problem with this, because sex is important to me in a relationship. Have you explained this to her? It sounds like she's explained her views to you. You need to discuss how you feel about her views and find out how she feels about your views. Then you can (both) reach a decision about whether your currently opposing views about sex are compatible with the relationship continuing. If it was me I think I would explain to her that I want a relationship to include sex at some point well before marriage, and to point out that there's no guarantee that marriage would even happen, and if that's impossible for her then I would part company with her. Dating is about finding out about each other, and often that includes finding out things that mean that the relationship can't go in the direction you want and then it's often better to get out and start again with someone else. (Sometimes you can compromise, but "no sex before marriage" is a fairly binary thing with polarised views... nobody ever asks for "just a little bit of sex before marriage".) 1
Radu Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 If i was in your shoes, i would broach the subject instead of tip-toeing around it. You are both in your late 20's, the probability she is a virgin is ... small, and like it or not she is asking you to take a major gamble for her. If your sex drives are vastly different, chances are her christian faith might not keep her happy in your relationship, or you.
irin Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 if you like her enough, and you already have handled this situation well, why not see where it goes. how many times have you had sex with someone and had your relationship failed, if sex was the only key to relationship to grow then you wouldnt have been single a few months ago. im not saying make plans to marry her, just be a bit open-minded.
irc333 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 How about reaching a compromise, like gratifying you with her hands or something like that?
bean1 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I also say bail. I was in your position and waited just over two years. I feel it was wasted time. I think it's wrong to hope it will change. There's nothing wrong wit her beliefs but they are different than yours. Considering the only real solution is marriage, do you really want to marry someone with different sexual values? Only you can answer that...
thatone Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 you'll have to bail and see this as wasted time at some point. you won't ever respect her religion because she'll use it as a crutch whenever she gets upset about something you do, and have a couple hundred strangers plus her family to tell her that she's right for doing so and you're always wrong because you're not part of their imaginary man club. save yourself the trouble and leave.
Emilia Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 im not saying make plans to marry her, just be a bit open-minded. Even though she is closed-minded? Why is it that the non-religious have to be open minded towards those that put the 'values' of some imaginary fairy before human beings?
irin Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Even though she is closed-minded? Why is it that the non-religious have to be open minded towards those that put the 'values' of some imaginary fairy before human beings? open-minded about the relationship, not the religion.
d'Arthez Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) Even though she is closed-minded? Why is it that the non-religious have to be open minded towards those that put the 'values' of some imaginary fairy before human beings? Notice that OP wrote: "She's very serious about her Christian faith so I think that is a component. I'm not very religious myself." Not respecting the other's beliefs is closed-minded. Corollary: if you started dating someone who has religious beliefs that include polygamy, whilst you yourself are into monogamy only, how does that make your partner closed-minded? Makes it rather a foolish thing by you if at first you don't speak up about your beliefs, and then get upset that the other party does not divert from their beliefs. Note, I am not a religious person at all. But it is nonsense to assume that our own moral positions are superior to others by default. Yes, sometimes people have views that are not compatible with ours. That is life - just assuming that we can convert people by virtue of our "sheer awesomeness" is quite deluded. Edited May 30, 2012 by d'Arthez 4
Emilia Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Notice that OP wrote: "She's very serious about her Christian faith so I think that is a component. I'm not very religious myself." Not respecting the other's beliefs is closed-minded. I don't respect religious beliefs but that's not what's being debated here. Respecting something just for the sake of it is kinda... dumb However, just as you are quoting it here, the OP DOES respect her religious beliefs (for the moment, not for much longer as thatone pointed it out) and is indeed being open minded. Therefore asking him to be open minded by another poster is unfair. It is his partner who insists that she is only prepared to do things her way is the one who is being closed minded. He is trying her way, it's not working for him, he is trying his best. Really not that hard to understand. Corollary: if you started dating someone who has religious beliefs that include polygamy, whilst you yourself are into monogamy only, how does that make your partner closed-minded? Makes it rather a foolish thing by you if at first you don't speak up about your beliefs, and then get upset that the other party does not divert from their beliefs. The OP isn't saying whether he had a full on discussion with his partner but they must have talked since she stated what she wanted. Note, I am not a religious person at all. But it is nonsense to assume that our own moral positions are superior to others by default. Yes, sometimes people have views that are not compatible with ours. That is life - just assuming that we can convert people by virtue of our "sheer awesomeness" is quite deluded. Who wants to convert. I'm telling the OP to run. This last part should be aimed at the OP's girlfriend, don't you think? She is the bible bashing self righteous one - although throughout this post you are sort of coming across that way yourself. Very unbecoming I have to say
Emilia Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 open-minded about the relationship, not the religion. SHE makes the religion being part of it. The OP is trying his best to be open minded, hence his posting here
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I think you have basic incompatibilities that will be your undoing, and that you should break up. She has her beliefs, and she is looking at dating as "courtship" and a precursor to marriage. You are not in the same mind set. Neither one of you are going to get your needs met in this relationship. Even if you married her, I think the issue of her religion and your lack of it would be a profound hurdle to success.
d'Arthez Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Ultra-religious people in general don't shy away from stating that they are ultra-religious people. OP's partner may be self righteous. Who knows. The same argument however can be made for OP. Don't see how that makes one more open-minded than the other. I don't respect religious beliefs but that's not what's being debated here. Respecting something just for the sake of it is kinda... dumb That comment was directed at OP. Who got himself willingly involved with a partner who is a person with strong religious beliefs. Now that he fears he cannot "corrupt" / persuade her (choose the term of your preference), he is having second thoughts. Why in the name of pizza did he get himself involved with a partner with strong views on sexuality that differ wildly from his own? He is only respectful insofar he sees potential to convert her to his views. Really "open-minded". It is closed-mindedness, but of a different kind: "fvk, anything goes", fulfills the same psychological function, as your traditional closed-mindedness. She is the bible bashing self righteous one - although throughout this post you are sort of coming across that way yourself. Very unbecoming I have to say Just because I don't agree with you, does not make me self-righteous, let alone a bible basher. I am a devout atheist, and you are obviously a flaming atheist. This relationship is doomed. 1
irin Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 SHE makes the religion being part of it. The OP is trying his best to be open minded, hence his posting here shes open-minded enough to date someone who doesn't share her religious beliefs.
d'Arthez Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Irin posted before I could edit the relevant quote: "fvk, anything goes" should read: "fvk, anything goes, as long as it agrees with me"
Eddie Edirol Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 shes open-minded enough to date someone who doesn't share her religious beliefs. She doesnt have a choice, she doesnt want to be alone, and she has to hope that someone she runs into will marry her as a virgin, rather than looking for other people who share her view. Why in the name of pizza did he get himself involved with a partner with strong views on sexuality that differ wildly from his own? Because like many other people, he made the common mistake of thinking she would change to his benefit before he has to marry her. And as we all know here, you dont get into a relationship hoping someone will change something about themselves. OP, she probably wont change her views for you, but if you are patient enough to try, thats on you. Otherwise, bail, you're really wasting your time. It will take alot more failed attempts at relationships before she realizes that she might have to change.
jrh1524 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Did she tell you early on in the relationship or did she wait until you were hooked before sprining this news on you?
GravityMan Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Agree with those who say to end it. End this relationship, and in your future relationship(s) get the sexual compatibility question answered early, before things get serious. If a couple isn't on the same page or at least a reasonably close wavelength regarding religious beliefs then chances are slim that the relationship will succeed long-term.
manup Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I've been dating a girl for a few months and everything is going very well. We like each other a lot and there are no issues in our relationship. However, she has indicated multiple times that she does not want to have any sort of sex until marriage. She doesn't want anything beyond second base. I haven't tried to initiate sex with her (I'm not to that stage yet either), but rather she volunteered the info. She's very serious about her Christian faith so I think that is a component. I'm not very religious myself. We're both in our late 20s. I'm having a problem with this, because sex is important to me in a relationship. Not as a physical need but rather to express things. It's clear that her views are extremely important to her, and I completely respect that even if I don't agree. I don't want to try to convince her to compromise her principals, because I care about her too much and I feel like she'll inevitably regret it later. I don't want to be part of something she regrets and I don't want our relationship to be some sort of competition. What should I do? Is this relationship doomed? I feel like when she told me these things, she was saying there is a limit to how much our relationship can grow, and I feel hurt by that. Any thoughts are appreciated. Dump her unless you are willing to marry her. Don't be a dick.
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