april37 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Hi, About a week ago my ex who dumped me 2 months ago sent me an email stating he was struggling with the desire to contact me, and even though our situation isn't going to change (he was separated when we were dating, and went back to his wife to keep the family together because he couldn't handle the separation from his kids). he just wanted to know how I was doing. He said he's trying to "get by", but having a hard time at it, and said he hopes his contact isn't hurting me, and if it is, to tell him to stop. Well, I didn't respond to the email, and he didn't try to contact me again. But I can't get it out of my mind, I sometimes feel the non response was a good move because the contact could have been disasterous for my heart, but at the same time, should I have explained that I need no contact to him as opposed to no response at all? Was it rude of me to just ignore the email? I don't want him to hate me, infact, I want the opposite, I want him to feel like I'm the one who got away, and hurt really badly for losing me. But I know I can't control his thoughts. I want to move forward, but realized just the other day, I'm not letting go, not deep in my heart. I think about him constantly, and I just want it to stop. Would communicating with him my intentions of NC help or hurt me? Please give me some advise, I'm totally obsessing over this.
ToyWithMe812 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) This should have already been established. I think a response may do more harm than good, but at the same time, either action could share a common outcome, that being you not letting go deep in your heart. I think you should feel free to choose either route here, because, what you are really looking for, is for time to have run its course, to be at the point in time where he no longer plagues your thoughts. I am almost 6 months (or more, depending on whether you ask her or not) out of the end of a decade long relationship. In that time (since the breakup), I have found out that she was cheating on me and when confronted, she did not have the nerve to admit it. So, let me tell you, the frequency of the pain has lessened, but there are still occassional rough memories, and plenty to be sure in the future ahead. What I am saying is, is that regardless of which route you choose to take here, it is likely not going to give you the sweet relief you are looking for. However, only you can truly know whether you go with steadfast silence or contact him to advise him to no longer contact you. Is it important that you stay civil/friends with him? If not, I say go with your present course of action. Edited May 30, 2012 by ToyWithMe812
blotter Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 There is no need to communicate your intentions of going NC your silence alone will do that. Two months isn't very long at all especially when you are breaking NC by reading his emails. You need to give this more time and maintain NC and not read any of his emails. You want to break NC to tell him you won't be contacting him anymore, that just sounds silly and he will think you are weak and desperate. From a guy's perspective the fact that you are worried that he will think you are being rude is laughable. He will be too busy spending time with his family and wife enjoying himself. See, he left you high and dry without any regard to your feelings and you are worried about offending him.
mephisto Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Take this advise and memorize it and read it mentally everytime you feel the desire to contact him. I have been in your shoes (a woman instead of a man) and what he is doing is just wanting to exercise control over you. He is manipulating you intentionally, he doesnt give a damn a bout you or your feelings,he just wants to feel wanted and desired. You are obsessing because you havent checked reality yet but fact is he is married and made his mind he wants his wife over you. Hard to swallow but that is what you got so far. Next time stay away from separated or just divorced people, they will lie and do whatever takes to lessen their pain with other human beings. Stay away from him, from your thoughts to contact him and be healthy. Again, I was in your shoes and once you confront yourself with reality you will see how ridicolous is this whole situation and how bluntly they were lying and preying on your weaknesses/desires. There is no need to communicate your intentions of going NC your silence alone will do that. Two months isn't very long at all especially when you are breaking NC by reading his emails. You need to give this more time and maintain NC and not read any of his emails. You want to break NC to tell him you won't be contacting him anymore, that just sounds silly and he will think you are weak and desperate. From a guy's perspective the fact that you are worried that he will think you are being rude is laughable. He will be too busy spending time with his family and wife enjoying himself. See, he left you high and dry without any regard to your feelings and you are worried about offending him.
Author april37 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Thank you for the tough love. I need to hear this stuff, that's why I come here. My mind completely agrees, why wont my heart listen?? Last night he sent me another email. This time it was just a forwarding of a video (I had seen years before) or a guy from Iraq singing "Imagine" by John Lennon. Touching video, but have no idea why he sent it to me. I wanted to ask why, but resisted to respond. My guess is its just another attempt to hear something back from me? Just another tactic he's using to get me to stroke his ego? I guess by my recieving that email from him last night its safe to assume he doesn't hate me for not responding to the first email, so I guess I shouldn't worry about it anymore. This morning I woke up and wrote a long letter telling him everything I'm up to, how thin I got and how amazing I'm looking, and about my travel adventures from last month and my upcoming trip to Ecuador (with an old guy friend), and then told him that he shouldn't contact me, he knows better, he made his choice to put me in his past, and he has to live with it. and a bunch of other things I would honestly never say to him because it's quite honest and hurtful as to him failing to be the man he wants to be. But don't worry, I didn't send the letter, it was just therapy for me. Now I'm going to go for a jog, and a 90 minute massage. I'm trying so hard to nuture myself, be the amazing woman I know I am.....just the memories and my desire for him is crippling my heart. Plus I'm new to my town, don't know a lot of people and have a lot of time by myself, and it makes it hard to keep busy. Leaves lots of time to think....
Recommended Posts