chapter44 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I have been dating a divorced woman with two teenagers for the past 2 yrs. Our relationship is serious and exclusive but lately I've been feeling a bit taken for granted. When we met we discussed at length about how we would consider he childrens feelings first and foremost. Her children are 15 and 18 and the older one is starting college in the fall. I have met her children several times but not really spent alot of time with them. Their father, her ex, married quickly after the divorce and the kids now dislike going to his house because, they say, his new wife does not make them welcome and they had little time to get to know her prior to their marriage. She has no problem with me coming over and fixing things around her house when the kids are there, or cutting her grass, cleaning her gutters, or preparing for her daughters graduation party which I wasn't invited to. However she feels its not appropriate for me to spend holidays with her or time in general just relaxing at her house when the kids are there. While I want to respect her children's space and time I have two issues I would like your advice on: 1. Is it normal for a divorced woman (or man for that matter) to spend hours everyday fighting with their ex over things such as what her ex will be buying their daughter for a graduation gift or whether or not him or his new wife will be picking them up for their weekly visitation? 2. After being divorced for over 2 yrs do you still have to fill every minute of every day when your kids are at your ex's with nights out or something special to do? My concerns are that she spends an inordinate amount of time focusing on her ex husbands actions. Without exaggerating she spends 3 to sometimes 8 hours a day talking about what he does or doesn't do, responding to emails relating to his actions, or consulting her attorney and/or mediator about issues surrounding their divorce. This behavior concerns me in the fact that she will be to preoccupied with that behavior to call me when she says she will or cancel plans with me because she has to respond to an email about something that has happened with him lately. He is a wealthy man from a very prominent family and by all accounts seems to love and care for his children both with her, and the ones from his first wife. So it's not an issue of her kids safety or well being. She says she loves me but I wonder why there is never any emphasis placed on me or us for that matter. Am I being overly sensative or is this behavior appear suspect to other members on here? Any light you can provide on this subject would be helpful.
JaneDoe35 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 This is not normal behavior from her. I am not sure how many more years you could live like this. It is odd for her to be so wrapped up in the ex. I have an ex husband. We have a child. We communicate well and when required. We are friends but don't overdo the contact. We separated in 09 and divorced early in 2011.
baguette Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I'm not married and am only 26 myself, but it sounds like she likes having you around and is not fully committing her available emotions to you. I would back off a bit and see how she reacts. Don't let her take you for granted. You are much better than that.
g450 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 You said: "Her children are 15 and 18 and the older one is starting college in the fall." and then... "She has no problem with me coming over and fixing things around her house when the kids are there, or cutting her grass, cleaning her gutters," Now...what's wrong with what I just quoted above? Still dont see it? OK, why the hell are you doing her Kid's jobs for them? But more importantly, she is not over her X. And the above tells me that she is basically using you as a handy man. My advice to you is to get out of this situation. You are heading for a heartache. She does not really love you. You are a convenient rebound for her that does her lawn for her and that's it man. Sorry if the truth hurts. 1
phineas Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 She sounds like one of those bitter ex-wives that tries to make her ex-husbands life a living hell. also, stop being her handy man. I hope she's at least paying attention to you in the bedroom? If a woman is obsessed with her ex enough that it's all she talks about with you or it causes her to cancel plans then she really can't be all that into you because if she was, she'd forget whats-his-name when she was with you. On a side note, in my own personal experience, their usually still sleeping with that ex or planing on it because their just not over him. No way to say if this is going on for you, but it has for me.
Author chapter44 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Well most of you pretty much validated what I already knew. Dating someone with children is all new to me so I didn't want to act prematurely. I know she is not sleeping with her ex. He is remarried and avoids her whenever possible. Their only real contact is via email and an occasional phone call. They might see each other at one of the kids sporting events but he is usually with his new wife and many times he doesn't even acknowledge her. Your advice was dead on about being taken for granted. I am happy help anyone who needs it, especially those that I care about but after two years it's pretty obvious that the relationship is clearly one sided. As usual with a new relationship it takes time to develop and evolve and when children are involved the pace slows considerably but after 2 yrs we should have turned the corner.
phineas Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 It isn't a having kids thing, it's a her thing. Even married couples with kids can find time for date night if they even remotely tried. If her kids were the same age as mine 3&5 I could see some difficulty in her making time. But kids at her age? I seriously doubt they even want to hang around their parents. Do her kids even know you are her BF or do they think your the gardner? LOL! I've been in this situation with a woman who had two kids with two different guys. (yeah, I know) LOL! She wanted to see me all the time when we first started seeing each other but then I started feeling like an emotional tampon & cuddle bitch & after 3 months you know what a guy wants & what a woman should also want. She also expected me to not go out with other women but didn't want to say she was officially dating me. Soon she came up with all kinds of excuses & started getting "busy" on the days she didn't have her kids. But still wanted me to listen to her complain over the phone or come over & grill dinner for the family, be a male role model to her kids because both dad's were pretty much awol. Like I was some psudo boyfriend. I got out of that situation because I was feeling used. She still tries to contact me but when I respond she ignores my response. LOL!
LittlePrince Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 She has no problem with me coming over and fixing things around her house when the kids are there, or cutting her grass, cleaning her gutters, or preparing for her daughters graduation party which I wasn't invited to. However she feels its not appropriate for me to spend holidays with her or time in general just relaxing at her house when the kids are there. If you were in an actual relationship this would not be acceptable but since you are groundskeeper Willie it is fine. Does she at least give you a rickety, old shed on the property to live in? 1
phineas Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 If you were in an actual relationship this would not be acceptable but since you are groundskeeper Willie it is fine. Does she at least give you a rickety, old shed on the property to live in? There is a joke in there somewhere about when he takes his shirt off.....
thatone Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 i'll bet the husband left her and she wants him back. which is why you're not invited to anything where he is around, because that's her pretend-to-still-be-married-to-him time. 1
FitChick Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Her kids are practically grown and will have their own lives very soon. She sounds like she hasn't healed from her divorce. Steer clear.
Author chapter44 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Thank you all for your responses! This is a great forum for objective advice and I have taken what all of you said to heart and ended the relationship with her. I think it's simply a matter of her not being healed from her divorce (yes he did initiate the divorce) and judging by the amount of time she devotes to fighting with him (over sometimes ridiculous things in my opinion) she simply doesn't have room for any one else in her life unless of course it lightens her work load or benefits her in some way. The funny thing is that I know on some level she really does care for me but I also know that this realationship will never survive until she puts her past life to rest and forges ahead with establishing a new one. If I am honest with myself and all of you, I did see signs from the onset that I thought would be trouble but I always believed we would turn the corner someday and at times I did feel like things were starting to improve but they were never sustained changes. To me it's one of those things that people much wiser than myself know - don't get involved with someone fresh off a divorce!
Crazy Magnet Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 You have what is known as a crazy BM on your hands. I know the type because my DH has one, and therefore I have one too. They split in 2007 and she is STILL obsessed with him. She sometimes spends up to 8 hours a day emailing and blowing up his phone with calls and texts. I'm fairly certain she will never be able to get another man because who wants a woman who spends 8 hours solely focused on her exH? Anyway, the way she is treating you after two years isn't right. It's not hard to integrate a new love into the children's lives if done the right way. My SS adores the very ground I walk on. This was not an automatic thing, but something my DH and I worked on actively together. Let me guess, she's probably also upset that her oldest is 18 and her child support check will be reduced? You can do way better than this. You deserve, after two years, to be a part of this family.
g450 Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 It isn't a having kids thing, it's a her thing. Even married couples with kids can find time for date night if they even remotely tried. If her kids were the same age as mine 3&5 I could see some difficulty in her making time. But kids at her age? I seriously doubt they even want to hang around their parents. Do her kids even know you are her BF or do they think your the gardner? LOL! I've been in this situation with a woman who had two kids with two different guys. (yeah, I know) LOL! She wanted to see me all the time when we first started seeing each other but then I started feeling like an emotional tampon & cuddle bitch & after 3 months you know what a guy wants & what a woman should also want. She also expected me to not go out with other women but didn't want to say she was officially dating me. Soon she came up with all kinds of excuses & started getting "busy" on the days she didn't have her kids. But still wanted me to listen to her complain over the phone or come over & grill dinner for the family, be a male role model to her kids because both dad's were pretty much awol. Like I was some psudo boyfriend. I got out of that situation because I was feeling used. She still tries to contact me but when I respond she ignores my response. LOL! OMG I was going to swear on a stack of bibles that we were both dating the same woman. Except her X was the father of both her boys. Same thing. She wanted me to hang with her boys and her and BBQ, mow her lawn, be her emotional tampon etc. If I hinted that we should have sex she would remind me of how busy she was. Turns out she was not too busy to get on Craigslist to pick up ONS and FBs. I stayed her friend for a while but once she told me I should date I did just that. Found a woman who didnt play those games and I deleted her from my life. I will never again be somebody's girlfriend with a penis.
phineas Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 (edited) OMG I was going to swear on a stack of bibles that we were both dating the same woman. Except her X was the father of both her boys. Same thing. She wanted me to hang with her boys and her and BBQ, mow her lawn, be her emotional tampon etc. If I hinted that we should have sex she would remind me of how busy she was. Turns out she was not too busy to get on Craigslist to pick up ONS and FBs. I stayed her friend for a while but once she told me I should date I did just that. Found a woman who didnt play those games and I deleted her from my life. I will never again be somebody's girlfriend with a penis. I was friends with her during my separation when I wanted nothing to do with dating. Then as the papers were signed I started talking to women & she said she wanted to date but "take it slow". when I agreed & she knew I was into her, that's when it went downhill. I also found out she was sleeping with a few of her ex's. Yeah, not just one. ICK. Edited May 31, 2012 by phineas
Silly_Girl Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 That's an awful way to treat someone. As a single parent my boyfriend offered to help with some of the 'heavy lifting' around my place, large garden etc. I remained fiercely independent in that regard for ages. Once he was more integrated in to our lives, had his own relationship with my child and we were holidaying all together etc, and it felt more like we were a family, did I accept help. You've been very patient with her. I hope you get over this quickly because I suspect there've been times you've felt pretty worthless.
Author chapter44 Posted May 31, 2012 Author Posted May 31, 2012 We have always had a terrific sex so I never felt like her girlfriend with a penis. I truly believe there are alot of factors that influence her actions I will try to elaborate: Her EH comes from a very prominent political family. As a result of his pedigree he is quite wealthy and ivy league educated - She, like myself, grew up middle class. Her EH is 20 plus yrs older than her, as are most of her friends husbands She hasn't worked for the past 18yrs and now is faced with the fact that she will more than likely have to go back to work when her support ends in 6 yrs. She has to sell the maritial home she lives in and feels the homes she has been looking at (in the 300k range) are atroscious - I live in such a house. Although she says material things aren't that important she never passes up an invitation to her old country club for lunch or a round of golf - the only club I belong to is a local health club (LOL). Her parents divorced when she was a teen, her mom remarried and moved to another state and she stayed with her dad. Her biggest fear is that her kids will feel abandoned the way she did after her parents divorce. She says she will never get married until her spousal support ends because - she earned that money. Although she will never admit it - I think to some degree she may be a bit hesitent to settle into a relationship with me because in "her old life" all her friends are married to men who are extremely wealthy. Although the ones I have met I wasn't that impressed with, no matter how much money they had. I am not blind to the fact that women want security and stability and it's not that I cant offer that - it just wont be at the level she is used to. I work hard and have no insecurities about what I have or don't have. I also realize that the lifestyle she is used to affords alot of opportunities and is difficult to give up. Overall I think this situation has many levels and many that I'm sure she hasn't even considered until lately - all the more reason for me to stay away and let her figure it out for herself.
wow04 Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 Where to start on this one??? I have so many issues with this one. First, I am a single mom of 4 kids with a boyfriend. I only talk to my ex about kid issues. It is done via text or email. It isn't very often at all. At kids sporting events we don't talk to each other. Second, you have been seeing her for 2 yrs and you aren't around her kids, but to fix things? I understand waiting to see if it is going to be a lasting relationship before introducing to the kids. But, 2 years? Third, she isn't going to get married until the spousal support stops? So her money is more important than you? There are too many red flags on this one. It sounds as if you are being used.
g450 Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 She says she will never get married until her spousal support ends because - she earned that money. Which tells me she is one of those women who feel "entitled". I would RUN away from a woman like that.
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