How can I let go?

[Bella1988]

I'm going to try to make this as short as I possibly can, though my story is extremely long and complicated.

 

My boyfriend and I are both 23 and have been together for 2 years, but it's been a very off and on two years. We both love each other very much, that's why we keep coming back to each other. We've both lied and have done really hurtful things... and recently things have just gotten to the breaking point.

 

I won't get into what happened, but our biggest problem right now is that I have zero trust in him. I'm always suspicious of everything he does now and I've been worrying myself to death, and it's honestly eating me alive. I have no appetite, have been late to work countless times (and it's only a seasonal job so I'm at risk of being let go at the end of the season), and am just generally a depressed mess now, which isn't like me at all. It's gotten to the point where we are fighting and breaking up almost on a daily basis because of this. Every time I try to break up with him I can't go for more than a day without bawling my eyes out to the point of almost throwing up.. and we end up getting back together, even though I know we can't go on like this and the same thing is just going to keep happening.

 

It doesn't help that he's all I have, literally. I don't have any family that lives close to me for support anymore (mom lives 2 hours away, don't talk to my dad, brother and sisters live out of state) and I stopped talking to all my friends about a year ago and just became completely consumed with this. If I lose him, I literally have no one. I made the huge mistake of putting all my eggs in one basket, and now I'm paying for it.

 

And I'm also extremely insecure and shy around new people now... over the years it's just seemed to get worse. Idk why. I feel like I lost who I was before... I'm just this empty vessel now. So if I broke up with him I feel like it'd be impossible to meet anyone else. I feel like I'm too messed up emotionally for anyone to want me. Quite frankly, I'm a total basketcase.

 

I live alone, just moved into a studio apartment that him and I were supposed to share but he never decided to move in due to how unstable our relationship has been...so it's very lonely without him here.

 

I guess what I'm asking is... how can I cope with losing him and moving on when I have nothing else in my life that makes me happy? Is the pain and suffering of not trusting him worth staying for? Will we ever be able to get past it? I'm so lost...

[daisy088]

Oh dear...

You sound frighteningly similar to me after my breakup with my first love. Is this your first love? I was 21 when it happened, we had dated for 5 years and I had followed him to college. I dropped my friends, moved in with him, and put everything to wayside for this guy.

Just to let you know- if this is your first serious relationship- this is the worst it will get (so theres a sigh of relief maybe?). The first one is always the hardest because its new. I know how scary and out of control you must feel. I was honestly very depressed for about a year or more and I still struggle with emotions about it. I lost 20 pounds, began drinking heavily, and ended up in some pretty compromising situations. I have also dated another guy since and now is the first time I have been single since I was around 15 years old!

 

My best advice to you- from someone who knows exactly what youre feeling is to face this head on. I know its the scariest **** in the entire universe but you've got to tell this guy you want to be left alone for a little bit. You let yourself cry, let yourself feel terrible, post on here, eat ice cream, watch movies. I promise- that acute pain in your chest doesnt last forever and if you just let it happen, you will thank yourself later.

 

My other advice would be to try and reach out to some old friends even if its just through email or ask them if theyre gonna go out anytime soon. Just being around other people would help you. Call your mum or dad, talk to a cousin or a sibling. I would highly encourage therapy if you can swing it.

 

Its lame but something thats really helped me through the hard times were self-help books. Women Who Love Too Much and Codependent No More have literally changed the way I think and have made me believe I can live better. Get them if you can!

 

This relationship is not meant to be, at least for right now. The longer you cling on, the WORSE things are going to feel and the longer it will be until youre better again. Just let go. It hurts, and Im so sorry you have to go through it- but it wont kill you. Hugs hugs hugs, everyone here understands what youre going through

[Bella1988]

Oh dear...

You sound frighteningly similar to me after my breakup with my first love. Is this your first love? I was 21 when it happened, we had dated for 5 years and I had followed him to college. I dropped my friends, moved in with him, and put everything to wayside for this guy.

Just to let you know- if this is your first serious relationship- this is the worst it will get (so theres a sigh of relief maybe?). The first one is always the hardest because its new. I know how scary and out of control you must feel. I was honestly very depressed for about a year or more and I still struggle with emotions about it. I lost 20 pounds, began drinking heavily, and ended up in some pretty compromising situations. I have also dated another guy since and now is the first time I have been single since I was around 15 years old!

 

My best advice to you- from someone who knows exactly what youre feeling is to face this head on. I know its the scariest **** in the entire universe but you've got to tell this guy you want to be left alone for a little bit. You let yourself cry, let yourself feel terrible, post on here, eat ice cream, watch movies. I promise- that acute pain in your chest doesnt last forever and if you just let it happen, you will thank yourself later.

 

My other advice would be to try and reach out to some old friends even if its just through email or ask them if theyre gonna go out anytime soon. Just being around other people would help you. Call your mum or dad, talk to a cousin or a sibling. I would highly encourage therapy if you can swing it.

 

Its lame but something thats really helped me through the hard times were self-help books. Women Who Love Too Much and Codependent No More have literally changed the way I think and have made me believe I can live better. Get them if you can!

 

This relationship is not meant to be, at least for right now. The longer you cling on, the WORSE things are going to feel and the longer it will be until youre better again. Just let go. It hurts, and Im so sorry you have to go through it- but it wont kill you. Hugs hugs hugs, everyone here understands what youre going through

 

Wow, your post was spot on, so much that it made me cry while reading it. Thank you for replying... though I'm sorry you had to go through the same unbearable pain that I'm going through now, it's comforting knowing I'm not alone in this. That sharp chest pain you mentioned in your post is exactly what I'm feeling, it seems like it's constantly there now.

 

I started dating when I was 15 as well, and haven't been single since. I tend to fall hard for people and it's hard for me to let go. I wish I could be more strong and independent, but it's simply just not the way I work. I was with someone for almost 4 years before my current boyfriend, so I wouldn't really say it's my first serious relationship, but I don't feel like I loved anyone else the way I love him. Or maybe I'm just caught up in the moment... I don't know.

 

But what you told me is almost exactly everything I've been thinking, I just needed to hear it from someone else. I thought about reaching out to old friends, but I feel like I forgot how to even socialize with other people. I'm so used to just clinging on to this one person that we kind of formed our own little bubble and I'm afraid of leaving it. I also know I'd be no fun to be around for anyone right now, I'm just so miserable...

 

I love reading so I'll definitely look into getting those books, I'll do anything to feel better at this point. I wish I had the money for therapy, but my mom took me off her health insurance this past January so I wouldn't be able to afford it... especially since I'm completely on my own now.

 

I don't know how I'm going to get through it but you're right, this isn't meant to be right now. It's too much of a mess. I just have to stop myself from going back to him, no matter how much it hurts. I wish I had more distractions in my life so I could move on more easily... he's really all I had. Posting here definitely helps though. Thank you again.

[Jessann12]

I read your post and can relate to it on many levels. I was in a very similar situation when I was 22 years-old. I am now 28 years-old. I put all of my eggs in one basket (the basket was my very unhealthy relationship at the time). I ended my relationship of four years, met new people and even moved to a new city. I furthered my education and advanced my career. If I would have stayed in that relationship, I would not be who I am today and I would have not met the wonderful people that came into my life. I personally think the pain and suffering is not worth staying for because you will always be in pain and never free your self of it. It will take a lot of courage to end things and move on especially since you feel as though you do not have a good support system. There are many ways to meet people and build friendships. Maybe there are co-workers that you can hang out with outside of work. I am not sure what area you live in, but there is a site called meetup.com which has a variety of groups that have a particular interest. For example, I live in Chicago and there are groups for females who are in their 20s that want to socialize and meet new people. You may want to sign up and see what they have in your area. The bottom line is that you will meet new people, but you will have to put work into it. I also suggest maybe reading some self-help books to empower your self and give you the courage you need to move on. There is a great book called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot. She guides you through the grieving process and give you suggestions on how to re-build your life. You may also want to see a therapist to talk about your feelings and the pain you are going through. The therapist can help you work out your issues and be a huge support to you. I can tell you that ending an unhealthy relationship will be one of the best things you can do for your self. You will be able to free your self and re-build the life that you want. Keep in mind that life is not what happens, life is what you make of it. I hope this helps and good luck with everything.

[Jessann12]

I read your post and can relate to it on many levels. I was in a very similar situation when I was 22 years-old. I am now 28 years-old. I put all of my eggs in one basket (the basket was my very unhealthy relationship at the time). I ended my relationship of four years, met new people and even moved to a new city. I furthered my education and advanced my career. If I would have stayed in that relationship, I would not be who I am today and I would have not met the wonderful people that came into my life. I personally think the pain and suffering is not worth staying for because you will always be in pain and never free your self of it. It will take a lot of courage to end things and move on especially since you feel as though you do not have a good support system. There are many ways to meet people and build friendships. Maybe there are co-workers that you can hang out with outside of work. I am not sure what area you live in, but there is a site called meetup.com which has a variety of groups that have a particular interest. For example, I live in Chicago and there are groups for females who are in their 20s that want to socialize and meet new people. You may want to sign up and see what they have in your area. The bottom line is that you will meet new people, but you will have to put work into it. I also suggest maybe reading some self-help books to empower your self and give you the courage you need to move on. There is a great book called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot. She guides you through the grieving process and give you suggestions on how to re-build your life. You may also want to see a therapist to talk about your feelings and the pain you are going through. The therapist can help you work out your issues and be a huge support to you. I can tell you that ending an unhealthy relationship will be one of the best things you can do for your self. You will be able to free your self and re-build the life that you want. Keep in mind that life is not what happens, life is what you make of it. I hope this helps and good luck with everything.

[daisy088]

I understand that "I dont know how to socialize" feeling 100% !

 

The thing is- a little bit of awkwardness in the beginning of most relationships is natural. So you've been out of practice for a bit- who cares? No one is completely comfortable and cool, calm, and collected... even those of us who may act that way? I promise you without a shadow of a doubt if you put yourself out there a little bit, smiled, and were friendly, people will respond. It will get easier much quicker than you think it will. Reach out to old friends or family or make new friends! New friends are great because theyre getting to know the new you- a fun you who can go out and have fun, who has interests, and who is putting her life together.

 

Use this as an opportunity to become the woman you want to be. Sometimes I like to picture or imagine my life as how I would like it to be. Im single, Im smiling, with girlfriends, gardening, doing yoga, running a 5K, going to pastry school, going to the ocean, dancing, dating multiple blokes for fun (not because I need them desperately to cling to).

 

A month and a half ago, I was living in another city in the same apartment as my ex, hysterically crying, and booking a flight home because the terror and emptiness I felt was so bad I couldn't attend classes. Now, I am on holiday in a different city, planning to possibly move to another city permanently, I have a different job in a field that I've wanted to be involved in for a long time. I am very busy, I am making time with friends, I am trying my best. Things are already getting easier for me. I am still sad a lot and miss both of my exes often. I still think of them both every single day. But the pain is starting to go away. My life is slowly starting to shift to ME! It can happen to you. Believe me!

 

Can you call your mum or a relative to talk? Any old friends? Siblings? Anyone in your past who has gone through a tough breakup that may be able to relate?

Definitely start reading those books. I found so much tranquility and understanding in them, they were invaluable to my healing.

[raspberry.12]

Don't be so down Bella, everyone here will be your big support and encouragement on your recovery progress. You can do it as time goes by. Time will heal all wounds.

 

I had been there before with my ex ex, when he broke up with me, I felt like I lost everything, no one was here to back me up (family overseas, no close friends at all), I was by myself crying and crying every night, asked how he could leave me like that. You will be getting better with times without getting back to him.

I was exactly like you, we were back & forth for a few years but every time we got back, I had no trust on him at all, all lies and all the girls he flirted with. The last time we broke up and 9 months later he married a younger girl, I thought I could cry to death but seriously, when I knew about his marriage, it only took me 1 month to 90% get over it & be happy again (I couldn't believe myself I could do it in such short period of time). Don't lose your confidence and start smiling (like I am trying to achieve now to move on with my current ex )

 

How about you start practicing yoga? I think it will help you release stress and enhance your spirituality, or you can watch cartoons or comedies, start establishing your friend network.

[Bella1988]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. You've all helped me so much.

 

 

Today I decided to end it for good. Though I've told myself, and him, countless times before I was going to do the same thing, this time it just feels like I have no other choice... and it's simply just what has to be done.

 

I thought about staying with him, even after my post last night, but he's just been acting so distant and different towards me the past week or so I feel like this is definitely the right time. He isn't the same person anymore, and it's so sudden. He told me he needed space today, even though we barely even see each other anymore (conflicting work schedules and not seeing each other due to fighting, ect)... and he was just caught a couple weeks ago telling a girl he used to work with that he "wanted" her, and who knows what else. And after pretty much cheating and then begging for me back he has the f*cking nerve to tell me HE needs space, a couple weeks later?? I just have this terrible feeling in my gut he's seeing her now behind my back. I don't want to think about it though, just makes this whole process a million times more painful.

 

But anyways, I left him a voicemail this time telling him goodbye for good. I chose to do it in a voicemail because I know if we did it in person it would either result in me not being able to go through with it, or a huge argument, and I felt like it was the best way for me to be able to talk calmly and fully get my point across without distractions.

 

He's at the gym right now and told me he would call me when he was out, after we had the whole "he needs space" conversation, but instead he's going to get the voicemail telling him it's over. I know he's not going to believe it because I've gone back and forth so much, I'm like the boy who cried wolf at this point lol... but once he starts realizing I'm not returning his phone calls or texts anymore it'll sink in. I've never been strong enough to even ignore him for an entire day, even after we broke up in the past...so it'll probably come as a surprise to him when I do.

 

I'm feeling stronger about this now but I know it'll sink in later and the pain in my chest will get worse and almost unbearable like it always does, but my heart is telling me to stay strong this time. He isn't there begging for me back anymore, so it makes it easier, but makes me really sad at the same time. I can't take another heartbreak from him though. I really hope I can do this, I'm going to need lots of support.

 

I've been working a ton so that in itself keeps me occupied. And I've actually made plans to hang out with some old friends this friday. I'm not sure I'm ready to go out yet, but I know I need to do something to keep my mind off of this. I hope I can stay strong and stick to no contact, that's my goal.

 

As for yoga/other activities, I'm definitely going to look into getting into something. Even joining a gym maybe. I need a hobby desperately, I've just been too consumed with him to do anything else. Hopefully I'll be back on my feet soon...