Question...mostly for men. Is a man's best friend off limits after a b/u?

[Gulf-Delta]

Oh and the judgmental part of my post comes purely from the fact that Wilson said I "claimed" to raped... I was.

 

Then was told that I "caused it somehow by my mistakes."

 

Trust me, when an absolute stranger holds you down and penetrates you while you beg and plead for them to stop... well that ain't a mistake. That's a crime that I did not commit, that disgust POS did.

 

Very gross misconceptions in society about rape, relationships, possession and ownership of others.

 

This thread proves it clearly.

 

FYI - my ex would totally agree me on this one. That's why we are friends after a b/u.

 

Why did you even ask? You wanted opinions, we gave them.

[sweetheart5381]

This thread is purely a seeking attention thread, first you say rape then assault now rape again.

 

You ask us for male opinions, all of us give you our opinions. Im sure 100% of the males said Stay Away, guess what you are going to do? Pursue it

 

Betterdeal said it best" Why ask the question" Because you know its wrong

 

Now when he pumps and dumps you, i wont have to say I told you so and it wont be rape then

 

Lol.. something tells me that you have posted on this thread more than me.

 

Maybe sends a statement about you

 

Just sayin.

[EgoJoe]

Lol.. something tells me that you have posted on this thread more than me.

 

Maybe sends a statement about you

 

Just sayin.

 

Ok, I'm taking the gloves off.

 

Did you know that the word just is the biggest responsibility deferring term that you can use when you are not referring to a moment in time that elapsed a brief period previously?

 

Because you are not just saying: you are thinking, stating, judging, implying, inferring etc. etc. etc.

 

There is nothing possessive about this. You are being STUPID and we are TRYING to help you AVOID A MISTAKE THAT WILL CAUSE YOU PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You are not doing this for the right reasons, you wouldn't ask if you didn't care, you seem to have lost sight of the fact that you posted and asked for male opinions. But, oh no it can't be my perspective that is wrong it must be some skewed "bro code" when we don't even know this dude or give a **** about him and have a much different perspective when it comes to broads we dump, this dude who is your Ex's friend is a scavenger.

 

 

Simultaneously, I for once in my LS posting career. Completely agree with WilsonX.

 

I encouraged you to ask some questions of yourself, some were worded in a vulgar manner for a reason. To spark introspection. But, here is the truth. I'm laughing at you now.

 

If your Avatar pic is you then no wonder you were dumped in a cruel manner (though supposedly you are now friends? Woohoo inconsistencies!!!) and if your posting attitude has any correlation to your normal behavior, mannerisms and method of communication then NO WONDER YOU TOO ARE ON LS.

[CC12]

If your Avatar pic is you then no wonder you were dumped in a cruel manner

 

You are a tremendous as*hole for saying this. Completely uncalled for.

 

 

OP, I don't blame you for being angry that someone inferred that your rape was due to your bad decisions or was a consequence of your actions. That reasoning is sickening, as was suggesting that you would be putting yourself in a situation where another crime could be committed against you by dating an ex's friend. ****ing ridiculous.

 

You asked if a man's best friend was off-limits after a break up. I'd say it depends on the situation. If, for example, your ex was really torn up over the breakup, or if you were getting together with the friend out of spite, or something like that, then it would not be a good idea.

 

Any kind of rules about "Never date an ex's friend" or "Never date your friend's ex" are kind of juvenile, to me. That might be an okay rule in high school, maybe college, but in your adult life you shouldn't have to abide by these rules. An adult should be able to understand, "Oh, you're dating my ex? That feels really weird to me, but whatever makes you guys happy, I guess."

 

If you feel a connection or friendship with someone, you shouldn't have to put an end to it because a certain person might have a problem with it. That would be their problem, not yours.

[Leigh 87]

I am commenting on the part about the rape - your ex was not there for you, and yet his friend was?

 

I cannot understand that. Regardless of wheather I break up with my boyfriend, he would care very much if something terrible happened to me! He would certainly not ignore me - unless I cheated or did something really bad.. Even then, he would care about me. We were in love, after all?

 

How long was your relationship and what was it like? If you were genuinely in love, and yet he does not care to support you when you get RAPED - then it is not UNNATURAL to feel comfortable with going with his mate.

 

However - for the fact it is socially deviant, I would probably leave it. For the fact that you do not want to anger anyone. You sound like a clever women, why not find a guy where there is less risk of upsetting outside parties?

 

In short: your boyfriends actions towards you would definately make it ok IN THEORY, for you to hook up with his mate... Unfortunately, it has a high risk of making people angry and think less of you.

Your friends and boyfriend might think less of you, who knows?

[daisy088]

Wow. I lost a lot of respect for people on this forum who I used to trust and esteem. What disgusting attitudes, comments, and statements to make in many, many ways.

 

Really truly disappointed. This has become a bullying session, totally adolescent, and absolutely ridiculous. It is clear to me there are some personal feelings and biases coming up whether or not those will be acknowledged. It is never okay to personally attack someone else, to blame them for an assault (rape is a kind of sexual assault so she is not wrong in saying it was an assault), or to go as low as to call someone unattractive or hopeless. This thread should be deleted.

[Tiera D]

i dont understand why we are quarelling against each other the OP asked about our male opinions,she got it,she does not like it so be it,the decision is up to her,no point forcing her our opinion.To OP in my opinion i do agree there is a bros code even at my place,i would never touch my best mates girlfriend or ex,but considering your situation perhaps you should wait awhile longer before making a decision?take our points and weight it up.Good luck

 

TD

[wilsonx]

She's just chasing drama with the ex.

 

I'm glad I'm not stupid enough to fall for this crap.

 

I had the opportunity to date a very attractive hot mess but her roommate has a twin sister thats my exs roommate/best friend. I walked away that night i found out.

 

This control thing that your ex still has control over you that some of you females are saying is bs. It's an excuse/rationalization to do something that you know is logically wrong.

 

All the guys see it, even some of the girls, if your a girl and don't see this bs, your in for a world of hurt. she's a wolf dressed in sheep clothing

[Chi townD]

Bottom line, to me if you are over your ex and they are over you, then there essentially should be no limits. No boundaries... what good do they do?

 

 

How do you know he's over you? How do you know that, even though you two didn't work out, he's not harboring some shreads of feelings for you and is putting on a good front? To be honest, you really don't know what he's feeling.

 

You have a rare situation. That you and your Ex can be civil around each other even in social circles. But, that's going to go away if you do this. You think that if you go to a Forth of July BBQ and your sitting in his best friends lap and having a beer, he's going to be beaming with happiness for you? Do you think that he'll be so happy that he'll come up to you and say, " OMG!!! CONGRATS!!! Hey, let me finance a get away weekend for the both of you to a cute little B&B on me."

 

Or

 

Do you think that it would hurt him and more than likely he'll probably say, "So, is that Sl*t going to sleep with all of my friends?"

 

Which do you think would be the more likely scenario? Therefore, any civility you have will be gone. You are going to put a MAJOR strain on your common friends and undo tention.

 

There's more people than your realize that would be affected by your actions. Not only for you, your Ex and his best friend. But, also all of your common friends. You're going to make them feel uncomfortable at the situation. They may even have to pick sides. "Do we invite her Ex? Do you think there might be trouble if we invite them all? Is there going to be a brawl if someone gets drunk and angry?" Believe me, conversations like this do occur.

 

So, I'm standing by my orginal statement. THIS WOULD NOT BE A GOOD IDEA!!!!!

[wheream_i]

The man I loved (he rebounded over his ex) kicked me to curb and left me to bleed.

 

 

Okay, see? You weren't saying this at the very beginning. You made the break up seem mutual due to moving too fast. That quote up there now makes you sound like your making excuses and wanting to get back at your ex. Go ahead and do it. See what happens. Your ex will find out eventually and will hear about it, so will his former best friend.

[geegirl]

If your Avatar pic is you then no wonder you were dumped in a cruel manner

 

I'm lost for words. This whole thread reeks of juvenility and cruelty. And the remarks about her rape? Shocking. This question is for men, not boys.

 

I hope this thread is locked for so many reasons.

Edited May 31, 2012 by geegirl

[Chi townD]

I'm lost for words. This whole thread reeks of juvenility and cruelty. And the remarks about her rape? Shocking. This question is for men, not boys.

 

I hope this thread is locked for so many reasons.

 

 

HEY!!!! I've been a good boy!...I mean man!!!

[Character Floss]

One of my female friends texted me today

 

"lol 99 problems and a bitch is about 98 of them lmao"

 

I responded

 

"story of my life"

 

She responded back

 

"I believe if, it I was a guy Id prob be gay. Women are full of drama and bull****"

 

She is 30 years old and knows this, you are older then her

 

If a guy can't handle a woman that he dumped going with his friend, even his BFF, then I say the drama is HIS.

 

It's the pissing on another guy's tree syndrome, and therein lies its own source of drama. It's paternalistic, possessive and shows insecurity at its core:

 

Right now my friends and I are all equals...but what if she REALLY likes him more than she liked me? What if she finds him a more fulfilling partner, sexually and otherwise? What if he sees in her beauty and character that I ignored? What if he's a "better man" than I am?

 

I am not saying that women won't bring/create their own drama, but in this case the boy's club rules (as also shown in the girl who is passed around) are symptoms of insecurity and perhaps faux egalitarianism that create its own drama.

 

As for dumping her/get out of my life, mmmm, so I make the choice to dump someone, but it is then his/her responsibility to vacate relational (or physical) space previously inhabited? Huh? AND THEY WORK TOGETHER! If I dump somoene and want no inkling of contact, I'm pretty selfish if I expect her to readjust her life to suit my desires.

 

That said...to the OP...

======>Why does the friend want to hang out when the ex is not around? Huge warning sign that he sees it as some sort of cheating.

 

======>Is it just chemistry, or might this really be the "devil may care and f$ck'em if it bothers them" once in a lifetime relationship?

 

If the latter and the two of you might be willing to build from the ground up without your current circle of friends, if it came to that, then weigh the risk and perhaps go for it. If it's less, notice that the friend sees this as cheating and recognize that it is almost guaranteed to end badly for many.

 

The new fri

[wilsonx]

Right focus on my actions perspective instead of the OPs.

 

Right now my friends and I are all equals...but what if she REALLY likes him more than she liked me? What if she finds him a more fulfilling partner, sexually and otherwise? What if he sees in her beauty and character that I ignored? What if he's a "better man" than I am?

 

None of these what ifs are true in this "story" though. Again you and everyone are IGNORING THE BIG RED ELEPHANT in the room.

 

THE OP.

 

This is pure spite on her part.

 

If you or other's can't see this, you only dig your own grave for healthy relationships in the future.

[geegirl]

HEY!!!! I've been a good boy!...I mean man!!!

 

Yes, you have Chi !

 

Debate constructively but it's appaling when it's done in a tremendously callous, juvenile and derogatory manner.

[EgoJoe]

I think it is ironic that the people who are so apalled are other Women who ignore the pot shots the OP took at those of us who tried to help before vulgarity. The major irony lying in the hypocritical attitude.

[geegirl]

I think it is ironic that the people who are so apalled are other Women who ignore the pot shots the OP took at those of us who tried to help before vulgarity. The major irony lying in the hypocritical attitude.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right. Ridiculing someones appearance is immature and cruel. Take the high road.

Edited May 31, 2012 by geegirl

[Insanityshorse]

For the record, without being cruel or judgmental... The "Guy Code" I think carries with it a negative connotation to woman. Consider it more a non sexual relationship. My guy friends are the closest people to me in the world. If I loved someone it would feel like the ultimate betrayal for my friend to get with an ex. I mean let's be fair here, if I dated a girl for a couple weeks and then they had this serious connection and came and discussed it with me... well it would suck but I'd be okay with it. Now on the other hand if I date a girl for years? No way man, that is off the table for a guy who respects and cares about me the same way I respect and care about him. So maybe call it a Bro-Lationship or something. Does that sit better with you ladies?

 

In terms of the OP. I have had a friend get with my ex, in fact we broke up because she wanted to be with him. I was angry and bitter over it for about 2 weeks (we only dated about 2 months) I eventually got over it, and now they have been married damn near 10 years. So clearly that was the right choice, and we're all still friends. In fact I helped them move just last week.

 

I also have friends with open relationships, and they are mature enough to handle it, it REALLY comes down to the people involved.

 

So basically, if you need to ask opinions on it, then it at the VERY LEAST needs to be discussed with the parties involved. If everyone is cool, then move forward... and if not? Just back off and find another friend that supports you. If you say it's not about the sex that is, if it is? Go watch some porn.

[Crusoe]

If your Avatar pic is you then no wonder you were dumped in a cruel manner (though supposedly you are now friends? Woohoo inconsistencies!!!) and if your posting attitude has any correlation to your normal behavior, mannerisms and method of communication then NO WONDER YOU TOO ARE ON LS.

 

Real low class, fella.

[sweetheart5381]

Why do you feel the need to ask?

 

I asked this question to see the types of responses I would get and hopefully allow others to see how stereotypes, sexual myths, genderization myths, etc affect the way we treat one another.

 

As everyone can see, there are indeed serious barriers in society that prevent relationships from being based on equality and respect for one another, regardless of:

 

1. Gender - "bro code" sums it up

2. Attractiveness/appearance - ... I dont have to repeat it, Ego was called out for it a few times

3. Race - "Chinatown"

4. Rape myths - a) it didnt happen, she is making it up (fyi, in Canada there is no charge for "rape" in the criminal code, it is always referred to as "sexual assault", the terms are interchangeable

b) It was her mistake that she got raped (states that it is not a crime, she asked for it)

5. Bullying - pretty evident in this thread

 

Ultimately, I posed a provoking question that I expect many others have wanted to ask, but were pretty sure they would get a harsh, nasty replies to.

 

IMO, if one wants to grow as a person they need to continually challenge values and attitudes in themself that exist in society - ie, is doing this right or wrong and why do I feel that way? Just because something has been believed for hundreds of yrs (bro code) does not make it valid. I wanted to hear how and why other's feel the way they do.

 

I have lost alot of respect for several posters on this thread, but have gained alot of respect for others as well.

 

Hope that answers your question.

[sweetheart5381]

If a guy can't handle a woman that he dumped going with his friend, even his BFF, then I say the drama is HIS.

 

It's the pissing on another guy's tree syndrome, and therein lies its own source of drama. It's paternalistic, possessive and shows insecurity at its core:

 

Right now my friends and I are all equals...but what if she REALLY likes him more than she liked me? What if she finds him a more fulfilling partner, sexually and otherwise? What if he sees in her beauty and character that I ignored? What if he's a "better man" than I am?

 

I am not saying that women won't bring/create their own drama, but in this case the boy's club rules (as also shown in the girl who is passed around) are symptoms of insecurity and perhaps faux egalitarianism that create its own drama.

 

As for dumping her/get out of my life, mmmm, so I make the choice to dump someone, but it is then his/her responsibility to vacate relational (or physical) space previously inhabited? Huh? AND THEY WORK TOGETHER! If I dump somoene and want no inkling of contact, I'm pretty selfish if I expect her to readjust her life to suit my desires.

 

That said...to the OP...

======>Why does the friend want to hang out when the ex is not around? Huge warning sign that he sees it as some sort of cheating.

 

======>Is it just chemistry, or might this really be the "devil may care and f$ck'em if it bothers them" once in a lifetime relationship?

 

If the latter and the two of you might be willing to build from the ground up without your current circle of friends, if it came to that, then weigh the risk and perhaps go for it. If it's less, notice that the friend sees this as cheating and recognize that it is almost guaranteed to end badly for many.

 

The new fri

 

The friend offered for me to come over with some mutual friends when ex was not around because he didnt want me to be uncomfortable and shy away from conversation. He knows I am very shy and when the ex and I were together I barely talked at any function we would attend. He was being considerate and caring in my opinion.

[Gulf-Delta]

I asked this question to see the types of responses I would get and hopefully allow others to see how stereotypes, sexual myths, genderization myths, etc affect the way we treat one another.

 

As everyone can see, there are indeed serious barriers in society that prevent relationships from being based on equality and respect for one another, regardless of:

 

1. Gender - "bro code" sums it up

2. Attractiveness/appearance - ... I dont have to repeat it, Ego was called out for it a few times

3. Race - "Chinatown"

4. Rape myths - a) it didnt happen, she is making it up (fyi, in Canada there is no charge for "rape" in the criminal code, it is always referred to as "sexual assault", the terms are interchangeable

b) It was her mistake that she got raped (states that it is not a crime, she asked for it)

5. Bullying - pretty evident in this thread

 

Ultimately, I posed a provoking question that I expect many others have wanted to ask, but were pretty sure they would get a harsh, nasty replies to.

 

IMO, if one wants to grow as a person they need to continually challenge values and attitudes in themself that exist in society - ie, is doing this right or wrong and why do I feel that way? Just because something has been believed for hundreds of yrs (bro code) does not make it valid. I wanted to hear how and why other's feel the way they do.

 

I have lost alot of respect for several posters on this thread, but have gained alot of respect for others as well.

 

Hope that answers your question.

 

Everyone can see through your bull****.

 

You came here asking for "advice" knowing you already had your mind set. When EVERYONE here advised against it, you are now trying your damndest to convince everyone.

 

Go screw the guy, you already made up your mind. Don't post about it here when it goes wrong.

[Eddie Edirol]

Simple rule:

 

"I don't date friends of exes or exes of friends"

 

Relationships are complicated enough on their own why add that to the mix?

 

Because no one else is knocking down her door to date her, and after all, she isn't looking for a relationship, just to see what it turns into....or just sex.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Eddie Edirol

[sweetheart5381]

Everyone can see through your bull****.

 

You came here asking for "advice" knowing you already had your mind set. When EVERYONE here advised against it, you are now trying your damndest to convince everyone.

 

Go screw the guy, you already made up your mind. Don't post about it here when it goes wrong.

 

Bullying

 

I did not ever say that I would screw him... I simply posed a question and yet you question my honour and honesty for even comtemplating it.

 

I will decide on my own my course of action, not by poster's opinions. I simply seek a point of view... and yet you insult me and imply that I am lying and dishonest - "Everyone can see through your bull****".

 

Think about it.

[FryFish]

I asked this question to see the types of responses I would get and hopefully allow others to see how stereotypes, sexual myths, genderization myths, etc affect the way we treat one another.

lol... Lying on the internet... Now I've seen EVERYTHING.