Question...mostly for men. Is a man's best friend off limits after a b/u?

[sweetheart5381]

FYI - I am the dumpee.

 

The ex and I broke up 4 months ago. Ultimately we went too fast at a relationship and we just weren't ready for the emotional toll, obligations, etc. (Baggage on both parts, we are 37 and 47, separated, single parents, etc) We now talk and are friends at work. He is not sure if he is ready to hang out in our personal lives and I am cool with that. He is a loved one to me and I wish him the best.

 

I have always been attracted to his friend and he and I have maintained a friendship throughout the b/u. I have always been respectful to their friendship and always kept my distance with his best bud. I felt that my ex's friends are his friends and I wont interfere, his "boys night out" time was/is important and should be respected. Funny thing is when his best friend and I met I had no idea that they were best friends.. but this man and I connected too.

 

Now, after months apart from the ex there is some interest from this best friend in me hanging out with him and his friends (some shared with the ex). He even offered to have me over when the ex isnt around so I would be comfortable. We like each other, have grown closer over the last few months and I feel the vibe is there that he is interested. I'm not interested in a "relationship" just pursuing the connection.

 

To the men out there - is this wrong?

[Gulf-Delta]

Your ex will get extremely jealous/upset.

[wilsonx]

You know the answer to this....

 

Guy code = Bro's before hoes....

 

Pick another guy, you are trying to piss your ex off

[Els]

The answer you get will depend largely on the culture you are in.

 

In mine there isn't really much problem with it. If you're in the US, yes, I think it will be a socially inconsiderate thing to do.

[coltsfan1]

TOTALLY wrong, but I must say if you do this and his buddy goes along with it the he is a HORRIBLE friend. It is also VERY low of you, there are many guys out there pick another one to pursue.

[Gulf-Delta]

It wouldn't be right to put his buddy in that position either. Because he'll have to choose between sex, and his best friend.

 

I went on one date with my best friend's girlfriend once. He still doesn't know about it to this day, I bet. This was years ago and I still feel bad about it :/

[sweetheart5381]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Well, I guess the real question is, is it ok to hang out with your ex's best friend, when the ex isn't around. Do I have to live as though the ex still exists?

 

My ex dumped me, he was done.

 

Is there harm in hanging out and enjoying time with his "best friend" even though this guy is my friend too?

 

Sexual chemistry is there, cant deny it, but ultimately, is it wrong to deny a connection?

[wilsonx]

IF you have to ask this question, then you already know the answer... you would have already done it... you are 30+ years old

 

Its like you are trying to convince yourself to do wrong when you know its wrong

[Gulf-Delta]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Well, I guess the real question is, is it ok to hang out with your ex's best friend, when the ex isn't around. Do I have to live as though the ex still exists?

 

My ex dumped me, he was done.

 

Is there harm in hanging out and enjoying time with his "best friend" even though this guy is my friend too?

 

Sexual chemistry is there, cant deny it, but ultimately, is it wrong to deny a connection?

 

You're gonna have to stuff your feelings.

 

If he's a good friend, he'll turn you down anyway.

[hinatticus]

Don't do it.

[sweetheart5381]

IF you have to ask this question, then you already know the answer... you would have already done it... you are 30+ years old

 

Its like you are trying to convince yourself to do wrong when you know its wrong

 

Actually, its about deciding to do what I want.

 

The man I loved (he rebounded over his ex) kicked me to curb and left me to bleed.

 

His friend was there all the time for me.

 

His friend helped me through a rape. His friend listened as I cried whereas my ex ignored my pleas for help and told me to go get help elsewhere.

 

So, bro code may be important to most... circumstances dictate different at times.

[iamawesome]

I would say it really isn't your choice. Go for it, but you will likely be rejected if they are strong friends because they talk about everything. I know a couple of my friends exes have tried to get with me in the past after a break-up. Flat out rejected them and then my buddy and I had a good laugh over some beers...

[wilsonx]

7 billion people on the planet and you go after the ex's Best Friend

 

.... Right

 

You know this is a bad idea, everyone in this thread is going to tell you its a bad idea, yet you are going to do it anyways out of revenge and to make your ex angry

[wilsonx]

One of my female friends texted me today

 

"lol 99 problems and a bitch is about 98 of them lmao"

 

I responded

 

"story of my life"

 

She responded back

 

"I believe if, it I was a guy Id prob be gay. Women are full of drama and bull****"

 

She is 30 years old and knows this, you are older then her

[threebyfate]

If he dumped you, his friend isn't off-limits if there's real mutual attraction.

[sweetheart5381]

7 billion people on the planet and you go after the ex's Best Friend

 

.... Right

 

You know this is a bad idea, everyone in this thread is going to tell you its a bad idea, yet you are going to do it anyways out of revenge and to make your ex angry

 

I'm not angry at my ex, that is resolved. He rebounded, wanted too much too fast and I hate commitment at this point in life - conflict resulted, b/u, case closed.

 

But the real question is, can I be close to his best friend? Can I spend time with him without hurting my ex? (I dont mean sexually necessarily, sex is just a physical thing and my ex and I agree on that)

 

It seems that if I remove his best friend from my life, then my ex is essentially controlling me. Remember that I was friends with this best friend way before being with the ex.

[robaday]

Ouch, Id be hurt, offended and would consider my friend an axxxhole. EVEN IF I BROKE UP WITH THE GIRL.

 

A friends ex came onto me once. I was drunk and was about to kiss her then pulled away. She was offended and I said I really cant do it. Not only is your ex a mate, but hes also a bodybuilder!

 

Its not so much the girl either that id be angry about. Its about the guy. Id lose a lot of respect for him. Please dont risk damaging their friendship.

[wilsonx]

 

Sexual chemistry is there, cant deny it, but ultimately, is it wrong to deny a connection?

 

BS..... move on

 

Drama and BS read post 14

 

WHERE IS EGOJOE when you need him?

[sweetheart5381]

BS..... move on

 

Drama and BS read post 14

 

WHERE IS EGOJOE when you need him?

 

Ya, sex is sex... nothing to do with love or commitment.

 

We all feel sexual chemistry many times a day Wilson. Look at a set of nice tits.. well there you go.

 

I'm not asking if it's ok to have sex... am a big girl and will decide when the time is right. I dont need permission from anyone

 

I am looking for a male perspective and others are clearly misunderstanding the situation.

 

Simply put:

 

Man tells woman, "Go away, leave me alone, don't talk to me again. I want to **** ____." Yes, that is what I heard from my ex.

 

Woman says, "Ok." Woman cries. Woman does not understand. It breaks her heart.

 

Woman moves on in time and forgives.

 

So what the hell does this ex have any business in her life anyway, really?

 

He is a friend now... nothing more and he deserves no more respect than any other male friend.

 

I just answered my own question.

[wilsonx]

RIGHT!

 

Way to self talk it to your angle.

 

Go for it, lets put myself in the line of fire so another crime can be committed against me.

 

Your 30+ years old giving advice to people on a breakup forum and then doing stupid stuff that people come here and are hurt over.

 

You know its WRONG.

 

Your advice becomes null and void if you pursue this. This thread is self character assasination at its finest

[leoc1973]

here is the best way to put it. If he will cheat on his best friend by going after his ex then you had better not get into any kind of actual relationship with him because your can bet your ass he will cheat on you!

 

Wilson said it best bro's before ho's and its so funny that a couple days ago my cousin was breaking my balls and telling me he asked my ex out and I told him 7 billion people and you gotta go after my ex? I was ready to knock his teeth out till he told me he was kidding.

 

To be honest tho. You don't owe him anything you can do what you want but this guy is a crappy friend already. Let alone what is in the future for you two.

 

I think the reason you didn't want to commit to your ex is because you already had your eye on his friend from a long time ago and it doesn't matter if you knew him first. Soon as you and your ex had that we are exclusive conversation it automatically according to guy code 1123 section 3 paragraph 8 subsection c. Made you completely off limits.

 

I do think wilson and I share a brain sometimes but he is over looking one thing. There are those girls that a group of guy friends pass around like rag dolls and all sleep with them. I am assuming that isn't what you are looking to be tho right?

[EgoJoe]

I got tipped off that I was "summoned" to this thread. I had glanced at it earlier and ignored it but had planned to come back to it to see how it evolved.

 

Here is my take.

 

You define your own limits but you obviously are wondering what "etiquette" might be. I wonder if you ask because you wonder what he will think or if you WANT to know if it will affect him.

 

None of my real friends would sniff after an Ex that I dumped or dumped me unless I was so shallow to say, "Hey bro, go get some of that she is down in the dumps and easy pickings, just be nice to her and call me a dick and she'll gobble yours up."

 

Anybody who would is not my friend and not of the character that I require to call someone a friend and a Man to be respected.

 

I snickered a bit at the other poster who remarked that he is not "off limits" as if there was some sort of limit or rule in the first place. But, I think the truth lies in revenge and spite. These are mechanisms of the Ego. Not of the self.

 

To summise my thoughts I'll put it simply.

 

No he is not off-limits because there are none. I would however suggest that you pose the following questions to yourself:

 

What is my underlying and honest motivation with regard to this scenario?

 

Why am I thinking about the ramifications before considering the motivation?

 

Why am I calling this guy friend and nothing more until I've decided that it's ok to get what I want from him?

 

Why am I so selfish and conceited that I think he'll jump at a stitch of pussy?

 

Do I have standards and what are they?

 

Do I want this to come back to my Ex and is that why I am thinking about this?

 

Do I want to move on in a healthy manner without commiting an act that might cause me to think about my Ex more than I already do?

 

Do I want to be a whole person who doesn't need validation from a cock?

 

Do I think that because men want to fornicate with me that I am loved, special and worthy?

 

 

Ask yourself these questions and from these answers you will either have an answer you're okay with or an answer that you're not. Worst case scenario you'll have the latter and you'll perform cognitively dissonant denial in order to modify the model of your reality to your choosing.

[Almond_Joy]

Yeah....I don't understand where the hostility's and berating's coming from.

 

I could understand if her and the ex parted on good terms and were still talking to each other.

 

I could understand if she reached out to the friend first.

 

Neither of those are applicable here.

 

The ex cut Sweetheart out of his life, not the other way around.

 

Sweetheart didn't wake up and make a conscious decision to be sexually attracted to the ex's friend. If you believe all of her post, she didn't even know the ex and this guy were friends when she met him.

 

And again, the friend reached out to her, not the other way around.

 

So why is all the responsibility on Sweetheart's shoulders to maintain the friendship between her ex and this guy?

 

The only person accountable to the ex is his friend.

[daisy088]

I have to say many of these replies are written in a vulgar, disrespectful, and, quite frankly, somewhat misogynistic tone. She is not some sex-starved object. If she says she is not trying to level with an ex through revenge, then she is not. Who are you/we to assume what her subconscious intentions are?

 

If she knows, she knows. Further, if she was dumped and has a connection with someone else (regardless of whether or not this man is friends with her ex), she should pursue it if she likes.

 

No there aren't any rules. No there aren't any limits; and I would agree with another posters- he broke up with you. I dont think you should let a ridiculous "bros before hos" conventional, idiotic, boys club value system play any role in your decision making.

 

However, I would advise keeping this relationship with the friend platonic at first, discussing it with the friend, and if it were to become something more- to then have communication about it with the ex at some point. Great chemistry and a connection are not all that common for some people- if this person is special to you, I dont see why not pursue some form of a relationship with him.

[hinatticus]

I do think wilson and I share a brain sometimes but he is over looking one thing. There are those girls that a group of guy friends pass around like rag dolls and all sleep with them. I am assuming that isn't what you are looking to be tho right?

 

I knew a girl like that once. Seriously went through 4 of us best friends. The four of us still talk and we are all really good friends(since high school). The girl lost respect each time she went to the next guy up to bat. She lost respect from her friends. We all kinda laughed about it. Although to be honest, the previous guy would be bitter and the next guy up would feel guilty. But bro bonds are tough to break. We all got over it.

 

So I'll say it again... Don't do it.