Not just devastated, but dumbfounded !!!

[thavens10]

Hi everyone. I posted my scenario in another thread last week but I hope I can get some more insight by posting it again. I just registered on this site, so I appreciate anyone reading my post and/or offering me advice. I apologize in advance for the length.

 

I was dating this girl for about a year and a half. I was completely in love with her, to the point of we had real talks about getting married and spending the rest of our lives together. We hit a rough patch in December (after over a year together) and she dumped me but claimed she wanted to remain friends (the usual stuff). After about a month of talking regularly (I was hurt but I didn't hate her), we decided to give the relationship another shot. We picked things up like we were never apart.

 

Since she is a college student and I had already graduated from college, we usually only got to spend time together on weekends. She is an RA for her college, so sometimes I wouldn't get to spend time with her b/c she would be on duty the entire weekend.

 

Easter weekend she was on duty but still wanted me to come up. I suggested that I wait to come see her until Saturday rather than Friday since I would mainly be waiting around while she did rounds, wrote other students up for violations, etc. As of that Saturday afternoon, communication was normal and things seemed fine.

 

Then that evening I texted her several times asking what time I should come up. No response. I tried contacting her several times on Easter Sunday too. No response. But after creeping on Facebook, I saw that she had posted some trivial things on her page like "Happy Jesus Zombie Day" and other harmless things.

 

I spent most of Easter Sunday upset and crying. I realized that the only other time she had "gone cold" like this was the previous December when she was preparing to break up with me. So I figured I had no choice but to end the relationship before she did, and I did so the next day.

 

I kept extending "olive branches" to her just in case she wanted to "clear the air" regardless of whether or not it meant a reconciliation. I didn't hear from her for another week and a half. In the meantime I started casually dating a girl I had met recently, but I let the new girl know my situation and how I couldn't promise her anything.

 

I finally heard from my now-ex gf. She called me around 3 a.m. crying, acting apologetic. We talked. I showed concern but for the most part maintained an underlying tone that got across the point that I love her and want things to work, but that I won't go along if I'm going to be treated like nothing. The conversation ended with both of us having intent to try again, and we both said "I love you".

 

Over the next few days, I would text her once or twice a day (I knew she would be busy finishing up end-of-semester assignments and studying for final exams). For the first two days after, she would respond to my texts, and everything seemed fine. But then I stopped hearing from her again. I would never send more that three texts a day, and a few times I called her but she didn't pick up or return my calls.

 

I finally stopped "playing nice" and took a jab at her on Facebook. Nothing major, but just a comment noting that I am sick of these games and her flip-flopping mindset. She would only see it if she were to intentionally creep on my page, as I de-friended her after I broke things off.

 

I never heard from her, but my comment got me into a little e-mail argument with her mother, which I tried to end in a respectful manner.

 

Here I am a month after this all happened. I never heard another word from my ex gf. I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, but I never visit her Facebook page, I deleted her contact information, and I have filed away all the blatant reminders of her. Her semester has since ended, and now I have no idea where she is. She could be home in Maine, she could have paid to stay at her college for the summer, or she could be doing a field period somewhere.

 

I figured it would be a relief to me not knowing where she is or what she is up to. But I am still very torn on the inside: angry for how she treated me, hurt that I may never see or hear from her again, and utterly confused as to how she patched things up just to permanently stonewall me again.

 

Things are going well with the new girl, and I have told her that I need time to heal before I can commit to anything, and she understands this. But each day is a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I want to contact my ex and chew her out for what she put me through. Other times I can't sleep and I want to contact her and tell her how much I still love her. I watched that movie "The Town" with Ben Affleck on tv this morning, and the sad music from that movie just made me break down crying. We used to watch that movie together, and when I hear that music I long for her worse than Ben Affleck longs for Rebecca Hall in the movie (but at least she still wants him).

 

I'll admit that I have somehow resisted all urges to contact her, visit her FB page, etc.

 

It still hurts a lot, and I am dumbfounded as to how things just ended with her not saying anything. I do know that she recently stopped taking her bi-polar medication so that may have played a part, but it's of no comfort. I know there is virtually no way for a break-up to not hurt someone, but I thought she and I had something good, something that wouldn't have ended in such a careless manner.

 

Thank you to anyone who reads this. It felt good to get it out. Any support, advice, and/or coping suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

-Tim

[JJ72]

Forget her and move on. She's nothing but trouble. She doesn't deserve a minute of your time, even thinking about her. I hope you don't fall for her b/s again if she calls back crying. Don't be a sucker.

 

Concentrate on yourself and the new girl.

[Own Worst Enemy]

I feel sorry for her.

 

The other one? She's too young to know what she wants.

[Jessann12]

I feel your pain. I can only imagine how angry and upset you are. I can also imgaine that you feel as though you do not have any closure because she left your life without a word. It is very hurtful and a form of betrayal. The best thing for you to do is to continue allowing your self to feel that pain and anger. Maybe it would be helpful to have a journal as an outlet for all of your emotions. You can also talk your feelings over with family and/or friends. It may even be a good idea to see a therapist to help you cope with your loss and to help you through the grieving process. Try to stay busy and maybe find a new hobby to keep your mind occupied so you do not obsess over the relationship and her, however do allow your self to feel your feelings, but don't allow your entire day to be consumed of the feelings if that makes sense. Try to go out with your friends and try to have some fun. Eventually, this will pass but I know that is very difficult to believe right now. I wish you the bet of luck.

[thavens10]

I can't put into words how appreciative I am of everyone's response.

 

An added wrinkle to the story, I've been in brief contact with my ex via text message (after roughly three weeks of no-contact).

 

We agreed to meet up in a week or two to talk things over. I don't know what's going to happen, as I am trying to remain cautiously optimistic. I'm not going into it looking for a fight, nor do I plan on smothering her with romantic comments and/or gestures.

 

On one hand, I fear that some old wounds will be opened up and my "moving on" process will be delayed. But on the other hand, I'm thinking that talking it out with her will give me some closure if nothing else.

 

She wasn't perfect, nor was I (although in my defense it was mostly due to me being naive). I hope we can talk about everything, from the hurt she caused me to the profound effect she had on my life, as well as whatever she may want to discuss.

 

I texted her something along the lines of "the meeting has potential to be painful " And she responded by texting "Let's not think negatively lol"

 

I'm not entirely sure what to conclude from what she said. I suppose it could mean there is hope for reconciliation, or it could just be something nice and light to say in response.

 

***And just to clarify, I have kept the girl I'm dating now up to speed on the situation. I have openly informed her about how torn I still am and about how I'm not trying to use her as a rebound.

 

Speaking of the new girl I'm dating, she invited me on a road trip with her to the Adirondacks, and I went, figuring that it would help me get my mind off of my ex. I had never been to the ADKs, but I still felt sad for a good chunk of the trip, as I recalled all the trips I had taken with me ex.

 

Whatever happens, I am just so scared of the trials and devastation the "moving on" process may bring, if I must move on. We saw and quoted so many movies together (True Grit, The Town, The Hangover, others), we went so many places together (Boston, Philadelphia, the Ben & Jerry's Factory, Maine, others), our sex life was amazing (we lusted after each other and were so good at pleasing one another), and overall we just made so many memories together.

 

I know other people have had to do this, but it would be so devastating to have a dark aura cloud those memories and experiences.

 

In a way I feel like a coddled individual, as the only thing that stopped this pain before was getting her back, and I did not have to endure what so many others have had to.

 

I know that I am no better than anyone else, hence I am no more deserving than anyone else.

 

I just hope I can resolve the situation, and make the most of the outcome, whether it's reconciliation or moving on.

Edited May 31, 2012 by thavens10