59 and broken

[samj420]

I met this woman in December 2005. I was married for 30 years at the time. I think it was almost instant love for her but it took me about three months to fall in love with her. I was in a loveless marriage prior to meeting her. And it was my first romance other than my wife. My wife found out. From then on I was trying to get a divorce. I told my gf that I wanted to wait till my younger daughter graduated from HS. She kept waiting. Then my son got into drugs. So I asked her for some time to tide over this crisis. She kept waiting. Meanwhile I tried to sell the house for 3 years, w/o which I would not have enough resources to divorce. The house never sold. Fast forward 5 1/2 years. Last June , 2011 she broke up with me. She said that she felt like a broken woman. She could not partake in one more moment of adultery. I was crushed. We had the most beautiful relationship that transcended the physical. We never fought. We cared for each other. It has been a year since I have seen her. Initially she kept in contact. She kept telling me that she can take the next step only after I was divorced. Over the months she stopped talked to me. She would ignore my calls. However, every now and then she would send me an email saying how much she loved me and that she could not even think of another man touching her. March of this year, the house finally sold. I told her about this and she was so excited.I started the divorce proceedings. We talked like old times for 5 days thereafter. Then she disappeared from the radar once again. I have been in agony for the last year. This constant push pull effect has worn me down.A person who used to call me 5 times a day including waking me up with a phone call in the morning had gone.(this was a long dist relationship. I used to meet her every thursday night to friday.) Finally on May 1, I called her and she hung up on me. First time in 5 1/2 years. I refuse to believe that she has moved on. She may be distracted. She is now 54 and I am 59. I don't think either of us can afford to be playing games. Any advice is appreciated

[Tiera D]

to me u divorced ur wive,consider the mental impact on ur children,trust me u being like this will cause ur children to be like you someday they will divorce as well,u ruined ur family.Thats why 50% among married couples in western nations divorced.You are 60 years old already come on is one woman worth 30 years of marriage?

 

TD

[samj420]

I suppose you are of the opinion that no matter how miserable one is in a marriage, one should stay for the children. Do you realize that staying in a loveless marriage has a profound negative impact on the kids as well?

[CarrieT]

There is nothing you can do about the other woman at this point.

 

You made some very hard decisions during your affair that showed the woman that she was on your back-burner (waiting until your daughter finished high school, dealing with your son's drug abuse, waiting to sell the house...) You can rationalize WHY you felt you had to wait, but from the standpoint of someone waiting, those were excuses; in the long run, she was the one who had to wait and something as trivial as money was one of the reasons.

 

Now you are ready to move on and she is not there? I'm truly sorry for that but at this point, you can only move on and continue the divorce for YOU. Repair yourself and heal for a while for all that you have gone through. Maybe when she finds you are truly alone and ready will she be more receptive to you; there is no way to know...

[alexandria35]

You are not a victim. You played with everyones hearts for three years (or longer) and expected everyone to just wait on you and your schedule. That is unacceptable and I'm glad your OW has moved on. She gave more time and effort to the relationship than she ever should have and now she has risen above waiting on someone else to choose her. Good for her. And good that your wife is getting a divorce from her cheating husband so that she can also move on with her life.

 

I suppose you are of the opinion that no matter how miserable one is in a marriage, one should stay for the children. Do you realize that staying in a loveless marriage has a profound negative impact on the kids as well?

 

Well now you're just contradicting yourself. In your first post you stated you had to stay with your wife until your daughter finished high school and then above you state that staying in loveless marriage has a profound negative impact on the kids. Hmmm...which is it? Can't have it both ways. Were you being a good father by staying for your daughter or were you having a profound negative impact on her? Pick one and stick with it.

 

Sorry but in the real world you don't get to call all the shots. Everyone doesn't revolve around you and whatever makes you happy. Your OW was probably in agony the whole time she waited on you, your wife was probably none too happy either, but their pain didn't seem to phase you. Now you're all about YOUR pain and how devastated YOU are. Let your wife go, let your OW go and if you are so lucky to ever have another woman fall in love with you, then respect that love and treat it like it's worth someting to you.

[KathyM]

No good can come from doing something dishonorable. You strung along both women, and now you are left with neither. It was very selfish to expect your OW to wait for you all that time. It was very selfish to deceive your wife for years and prevent her from moving on with her life. You got what you deserved. Your OW has probably met someone else and is trying to put you in the past. The kind thing to do now would be to leave her alone.

[geegirl]

Sam, I have a girlfriend who has been waiting for her MM to divorce for 10 years now. It's always been one excuse after another. My business is having issues. My son needs to graduate first. My house by the beach needs to be sold. My finances aren't in order. While you figure out the "this and that" of your marriage and life, you have a woman, that has been silenced by your excuses, painfully waiting on the sidelines wanting to be accepted into your life.

 

Whatever her mental and emotional state at this point, you have to let her go. She stood back while you took your time to make decisions about your life together. Now, you step back and allow her to make decisions about her life, and that being whether she wants you in it or not. This isn't a game to her. It's a game to you because you aren't getting the responses you want. She gave you all that you needed, now it's time for you to do the same. You have to understand that the pain that she has endured for years may have possible killed all that she once felt for you. Love doesn't reignite just because you snap your fingers.

[skywriter]

samj420,

 

I am an exOW and it has changed so negatively from who I once was.

 

So I can understand why she didn't want to continue on.

 

I'm sorry I can't say if she's distracted or what. There's her perception of what she's been through with you over the yrs and who knows how she would convey it.

 

I can say that I was a couple of months shy of a 6 yr affair and when I'd had enough and also realised I was just a sidepiece and that's all I'd ever be, I was out!

[Frank13]

to me u divorced ur wive,consider the mental impact on ur children,trust me u being like this will cause ur children to be like you someday they will divorce as well,u ruined ur family.Thats why 50% among married couples in western nations divorced.You are 60 years old already come on is one woman worth 30 years of marriage?

 

TD

 

All through these boards people are divorcing after as little as a few months or years because they no longer love their spouse. Samj was in a loveless marriage and had been married 30 years. There is no reason for him to stay with one woman just because it has been 30 years. There is no prize on his death bed for being a martyr.

[mephisto]

Although I have to say I agree with Geegirl I will also say there is no need to beat a fallen tree.

Nonetheless,she is right,you have to let her go...for now.

Sort out first your personal life and once done see what you can do to reignite whatever possible without obsessing.

If too late or her not being interested,then time to move on.

Her attitude shows that one who is not willing to invest a second extra in this matter but who knows.

59, 89 or 9999 years old you still got the right to look for love if it is missing in your current marriage.

If mistakes were committed along the line know that nobody is perfect.

Keep it up!

 

 

 

Sam, I have a girlfriend who has been waiting for her MM to divorce for 10 years now. It's always been one excuse after another. My business is having issues. My son needs to graduate first. My house by the beach needs to be sold. My finances aren't in order. While you figure out the "this and that" of your marriage and life, you have a woman, that has been silenced by your excuses, painfully waiting on the sidelines wanting to be accepted into your life.

 

Whatever her mental and emotional state at this point, you have to let her go. She stood back while you took your time to make decisions about your life together. Now, you step back and allow her to make decisions about her life, and that being whether she wants you in it or not. This isn't a game to her. It's a game to you because you aren't getting the responses you want. She gave you all that you needed, now it's time for you to do the same. You have to understand that the pain that she has endured for years may have possible killed all that she once felt for you. Love doesn't reignite just because you snap your fingers.

[Frank13]

Samj, welcome to Love Shack.

 

I am sorry for your situation and the bitter replies you have received.

 

Normally this is a great place to come for answers, understanding, and compassion, but unfortunately you have ran into some people who were probably cheated on and are taking it out on you.

 

Unless someone has been in your situation, they don't know what it is like and how miserable you can be. You gave a woman 30 years of your life and now that it is a loveless marriage, you deserve to find happiness. You've done your time in hell and there is no prize at the end of your life for having been a martyr like some of the other posters suggest you should be.

 

So many people on these boards divorce within a a year or two of being married because they no longer love their spouse, even when they have kids together, but I have never seen the bitter replies like I have to you for sticking it out for 30 years. In fact most people are very quick to tell them that if the love is gone, they should divorce. If anything, you should be commended for staying married 30 years. Life is short. Why waste your remaining years being miserable.

 

The fact that you two were back together for 5 days like old times and then she disappeared tells me she may have lost feelings for you and was trying to see if they would come back and when they didn't, she disappeared. The hanging up on you would tend to confirm that, or at the least that she doesn't want to be with you. There was no fight for her to be mad. She just disappeared and now hangs up on you.

 

I think another possibility is that she wanted what she couldn't have (you). When you finally did everything so that she could have you, she lost interest. Sometimes it is just about ego. Until you actually took all the steps to be with her, she wasn't feeling valued. once you could be with her, she got her ego stroke, felt validated, and no longer cared about staying together.

 

Another possibility is that she found someone else while waiting for you.

 

I don't know that you will every find out for sure why she disappeared but the disappearing after 5 days and hanging up on you seems like a very clear sign that she doesn't want to be with you, as sorry as I am to say that. Refusing to believe that she has moved on and is just distracted isn't going to help you. What would she be distracted about? You didn't see her for a year. She came back for 5 days to give it a try and it didn't work for her. I think this is over.

 

There does seem to have been some game playing on her part. I think she was stringing you a long with the occasional emails, possibly until someone better came along.

 

Your best bet now is to go complete and total No Contact. I know you are new here so may not be familiar with the concept, but it is the best way to get over someone and heal.

 

Here are a couple links on NC to get you started.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/281193-all-new-no-contact-thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/56954-do-you-really-think-contacting-your-ex-going-help-you-guide-long-walk

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/230077-sps-no-contact-guide

 

There is also a thread on this "Coping" forum called "Post Here Instead of Contacting Your Ex" which is a great way to get things off your chest that you want to say to your ex, but shouldn't because you are in No Contact. No one judges you in that thread. If you get the urge to contact your ex or just want to post what;s on your mind, you can do it there.

 

You may also want to try posting your message in the "Other Man/Woman" forum where people will be a little less likely to attack you.

 

I hope you move on to find love and happiness.

[url=http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/56954-do-you-really-think-contacting-your-ex-going-help-you-guide-long-walk][/url]

[Frank13]

59, 89 or 9999 years old you still got the right to look for love if it is missing in your current marriage.

If mistakes were committed along the line know that nobody is perfect.

Keep it up!

 

Exactly. Why remain miserable, especially after giving it 30 years?

[KathyM]

Exactly. Why remain miserable, especially after giving it 30 years?

Then he should have had the balls to leave the marriage, and not string along two women with this cherade. He played both women because it wasn't "convenient" for him to leave. If he was so miserable in his marriage, then he should have either done whatever it took to get his marriage back on track, or ended it. Deceiving your spouse for years and playing another woman for years is not justifiable, no matter how bad the marriage is. If it was that bad, he should have done something about it, or left. He did neither. Instead, he kept his wife in the dark and on the hook, wasting years of her life living a lie, and he wasted years of the OW's life keeping her strung along with future promises that she finally gave up on. Sounds like she has finally found someone to build an honest life with and she is done with the OP. So be it. He should let her be if she is not returning his calls. She is done with him, obviously.

[mephisto]

And do you believe that all dumpees on this forum are free of any mistake ?

Yes, you are right, he should have done better first with his wife and then with the other woman...but thats all in the past, whats done is done, nothing to be changed now but he still can improve his life.

You just cant bully any human being who wants to come clean on this forum and lookign for support.

We need to encourage this sincere approach and help as much as we can with good advises, like the ones people give me here.

Please,lets show some compassion here to the people who deserve it the least but it is when the most they need it.

Contructive approach is what we all need instead of crucifying each other.

We all got enough personal issues.

Thank you.

 

 

Then he should have had the balls to leave the marriage, and not string along two women with this cherade. He played both women because it wasn't "convenient" for him to leave. If he was so miserable in his marriage, then he should have either done whatever it took to get his marriage back on track, or ended it. Deceiving your spouse for years and playing another woman for years is not justifiable, no matter how bad the marriage is. If it was that bad, he should have done something about it, or left. He did neither. Instead, he kept his wife in the dark and on the hook, wasting years of her life living a lie, and he wasted years of the OW's life keeping her strung along with future promises that she finally gave up on. Sounds like she has finally found someone to build an honest life with and she is done with the OP. So be it. He should let her be if she is not returning his calls. She is done with him, obviously.

[samj420]

Thank you for all the comments, some of them understandably caustic. It seems like my letter spoke directly to some who were wronged. It is difficult to convey all the reasons in a letter. I was raised thinking that marriage is an institution, and "till death do us part". It is not that I didn't try to steady a sinking ship. I did not believe in "instant gratification" by taking the easy way out. I did not want to announce my plan to divorce during my daughter's graduating year. It would have been catastrophic. She is now in one of the best schools in the country. Someone mentioned about it all being for money. Sadly that is true. After I paid my mortgage and home quity loan and wife's "separate maintenance" agreement and daughter's studen loans I barely had a pot to piss in. It would have been so unfair to go to my GF broke as a church mouse. Who expected my son to be in rehab at that critical juncture? Those who have kids must ask what you would have done in my place. Now that the house is sold and loans paid off I am in a better position. If she has left me for another then I am solely to blame and I wish her nothing but the best. But I just had to clarify some points here. Thanks for listening.

[geegirl]

Then he should have had the balls to leave the marriage, and not string along two women with this cherade. He played both women because it wasn't "convenient" for him to leave. If he was so miserable in his marriage, then he should have either done whatever it took to get his marriage back on track, or ended it. Deceiving your spouse for years and playing another woman for years is not justifiable, no matter how bad the marriage is. If it was that bad, he should have done something about it, or left. He did neither. Instead, he kept his wife in the dark and on the hook, wasting years of her life living a lie, and he wasted years of the OW's life keeping her strung along with future promises that she finally gave up on. Sounds like she has finally found someone to build an honest life with and she is done with the OP. So be it. He should let her be if she is not returning his calls. She is done with him, obviously.

 

I believe the OW and the wife have an accountability to themselves for wanting to invest in a situation such as this. Sometimes it's not easy to just get up and go when you're caught between a rock and a hard place and Sam did what was in his own best interest, not just dealing with the condition of his marriage but also taking his children into account. Through all that, these women chose to stay.

 

The wife found out about the affair and stayed. The OW stayed silently in the background, knowing that he is married and knowing that there is really no guarantee that a married man will leave a marriage. You live by the choices you make. As I tell my gf, you can cry a million tears but you are consciously choosing to be in such a situation and so is the wife. If anyone is choosing to waste their years, it is the OW and the wife.

 

I don't condone cheating but I don't believe the fault lies squarely on one person.

Edited May 30, 2012 by geegirl

[g450]

You said:

 

"She is now 54 and I am 59. I don't think either of us can afford to be playing games."

 

That exactly how she feels. She is tired of playing games. May not be your fault or maybe it is but either way that is the way she sees it and I dont blame her.

 

She basically told you to $hit or get off the pot. Your still idle and it seems you are still making excuses and she got tired of waiting. Not trying to be mean but that's what I am seeing.

 

And starting a new relationship out of adultry is not exactly the way to go. Im sure she feels the same way. Smart woman.

 

At the risk of sounding mean, You snooze you loze.

[Tiera D]

i knew there is a reason why western nations divorce rate is so high,and this is one in many examples why 50% among total population,what a number!..simple theory "cheating is never right"Ask your kids you are happy or not is one thing but i can be certain all children wants their parents strong and united (unless there is abuse) but i see there is none in your case, only boredom..

 

P.S other posters shoot me whenever you like,im here to educate not argue,and OP u dont like what i say pls ask me stop posting your threads il do so,i am in opinion you to NC and settle the issues that happened between your two child 1st b4 anything else

 

TD

[samj420]

MY divorce is just 20 days away. Yesterday was exactly one year since she broke up with me and exactly one year since I saw her. I almost sent her a text but I was afraid of another rejection. I am pretty sure she has moved on. I wish her well. But I only wish she had the guts to tell me that she has moved on. I wonder why dumpers cannot be honest about it.

[Ruby65]

Sam, I'm a huge proponent of NC but in your case -- what do you have to lose by pursuing her at this point?

 

I left a loveless marriage after 20+ years so I have a lot of empathy for your situation. However I agree with many posters who feel you made this woman wait far too long, and she has every right to have given up and walked away if that's the case.

 

Still, at this point in life, she's invested so many years in you that she deserves a happy ending, don't you think?

 

I say text, call and go to see her if necessary -- at least let her know your divorce is final and put up a real fight to get her back!

[samj420]

I am not sure I can do that. I feel that the last vestige of any self respect will be taken away from me if I do that. She obviously knows I am close to getting my divorce. But she she not even made an attempt to contact me. I don't blame her though. If she is with another guy then she has truly moved on. In my heart of hearts I truly believe she idolized me rather than love me but could not tell the difference. Whereas I truly loved her. I do hope she will have learned a lesson from our relationship and perhaps can really learn to love in the next relationship. Love means having to let go...

[Ruby65]

I am not sure I can do that. I feel that the last vestige of any self respect will be taken away from me if I do that. She obviously knows I am close to getting my divorce. But she she not even made an attempt to contact me. I don't blame her though. If she is with another guy then she has truly moved on. In my heart of hearts I truly believe she idolized me rather than love me but could not tell the difference. Whereas I truly loved her. I do hope she will have learned a lesson from our relationship and perhaps can really learn to love in the next relationship. Love means having to let go...

 

 

If you're not willing to swallow your pride and really pursue her and do everything you can to get her back after making her wait all that time.... then she's right to have moved on imo.

 

Sorry to be harsh!

 

Best of luck to you though.

[samj420]

Believe me I have tried everything. Emails, texts, phone calls. She just hangs up.

[samj420]

I also forgot to mention that after 4 1/2 years she decided to tell me that she had gen. herpes. When I asked her why she waited so long, she told me that she was afraid to lose me. I suppose after 4 1/2 years she was probably hoping that I would break up with her thereby putting the onus on me. but I truly loved her and accepted her for what she was (a one time indiscretion when she was younger)

[Ruby65]

Believe me I have tried everything. Emails, texts, phone calls. She just hangs up.

 

 

I'm starting to understand why....