DLGBelleville Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) So I've been seeing this girl for a couple years now, we're from the same town, but she had to move due to the fact that her dad is American, but works in Canada on a Visa. So once she was old enough to go to college, she had to leave or pay ridiculous prices (plus our local college isn't the greatest). So she moved, we saw each other for a month around Christmas, and 3-4 months around Summer, no big deal. We talk on Skype nearly every day, webcam a couple times a week (normal stuff, the long distance intimacy seemed to lessen once she moved in with a cousin who had young children, understandable I thought). She's 20 and I'm 25. We've got a lot in common, I basically slept at her house more than my own place when she's down (my family is 6 hours away and I rent my off campus housing alongside 3 or 4 room mates dependent on the time of year). She's met both sides of my family (parents divorced) and we've travelled from Ontario to Quebec, and from Ontario to Ohio together, and we've never had any kind of fight that's stood out in my mind. So her family has a lot of military, hence the reason why her dad was in Canada, helped build guidance systems for the local air force base. She's living with her cousin, his wife and two kids. The wife's 32 year old brother just got out of the military, some black ops stuff we can't know about, and wanted to take a hiatus before looking for civilian work. She calls me up on skype, says she needs to talk and have my full attention, we get on camera and she tells me they got drunk (like 3 or 4 shots of tequila and a few coolers) and she slept with him, as in she admits she was the sexual aggressor. She talks about how she's a terrible person and how she's bad for me and wouldn't blame me if I hated her forever. Now my first relationship was 5 years long and the last year + was really not going well, and I was young and a coward and didn't know how to end things with my ex, and her family, as I was living with her at the time, so I slept with another girl and told my first ex over the phone when I was back home with my family. It was really low, but I own that mistake, I know why I did it, I don't make excuses and it's come up in every relationship I've been in since at my own admission. Because of this I realize how terrible the feeling of betraying someone that loves you is, and I tell her that I need to know if she loves me. We talk a bit, I tell her how I feel, that I love her, what that love means, how much this all makes me feel sick and when she tells me that it's the guy she's still technically living with I'm livid and I leave the room to punch a wooden door until my knuckles bleed. I come back, tell her we'll talk tomorrow, and I go to bed feeling disgusted and betrayed and with images of the two of them stopping me from getting any sleep. I talk to her the next day, first thing, and ask her what she wants to do. She's just woken up, and I say that I want to see if there's anything we can do to salvage the relationship. We talk about why she did it, should her family she's staying with know, are they keeping it their dirty little secret, is she willing to not put herself in situations like this in the future where it could happen again, things like that, tell her there's a lot of work that needs to be done to get any trust back. This is where I'm taken off guard (I was on the defensive and thought I was ready) because she tells me that she's not sure if she can put the work in that I say I need, she says she's not sure if she can promise she won't cheat again. I ask her if I'm not giving her everything she needs because of the distance or if she'd rather be with a military built guy (I'm 5'11" and like 175 lbs. I'm lean, not skinny, not fat, go to the gym a couple times a week, but I wouldn't say I'm cut, or even use that as a descriptive term anyways). She tells me it just happened, going from reasons like 'I was drunk' or 'it was easy, and I just did it' and telling me things like 'I don't feel bad about the sex I had, it just happened. I felt guilty about not telling you, not about what I did and I didn't feel bad until I realized how much it hurt you.' I'm floored. I caught myself apologizing and I realized this isn't how I thought this should go, this isn't how I feel. Suddenly I'm scared that I'm going to lose her, more than I was before, and I start talking about good memories I have of her and wanting to have good memories when I think of her, rather than thinking of her going down on some old army guy who probably just slept with her because he hadn't seen a woman who wasn't a security risk for the last five years. I talk about the things we did and how I miss those moments and then I say that it's late and we're both raw and we can talk again tomorrow. So the -next- day rolls around and she calls me, and says that yes, she wants to try to fix the relationship because after we stopped talking she realized how scared she was to lose me, and tells me she loves me, something she's been saying the last three days, even when she said she didn't think she could promise to stop cheating. She says all the things she said the day before were her panicking and trying to escape. Now she says she's going to not put herself in those situations again, that she's going to be more responsible because she realizes all these things about our relationship. I'm still stunned that it took her cheating on me to realize this, and it hurts. After all that, though, she goes to their living room and watches a basketball game with the guy she slept with, and while I realize that they have to share a house for however long it takes for him to get off their couch, it really makes me sick to even think they're spending time in the same room together. And after that, she comes back very briefly to talk to me, and then says she's going to watch a movie. Now she didn't say it was with him, but I can't help but think it is. And I ask her "Are the two of you already so comfortable that you can do the game and movie together? You're getting over that a lot faster than I am." leaving it on Skype for her to read later, then an hour later with no response from her I write "And that felt a bit like I was coming from a moral high ground now that I read it back to myself. I shouldn't be doing that. Even if I feel really uncomfortable about it." Next morning (time difference of three hours) still no response, so she's probably not awake yet, and I leave "I shouldn't repress this stuff either. It's something I should be saying if it's something I'm feeling. Maybe you went to watch the movie on your own, and it had nothing to do with the guy, maybe it's been more than two days since you slept with him and you waited to tell me so you've had more time to get over it, but right now it kind of feels to me like you're hanging out with him pretty casually for what I'm going through right now. To an extent I understand there's not a lot you can do, but on the same token, I kind of feel like my feelings aren't really being taken into account. I'll hopefully get the chance to talk to you about this later." We talked again today, but I never got around to that conversation. We talked for about an hour and she had to go see a play that her cousin was in (another cousin, most of their family is around that area) and as they're in-laws, he gets invited to. So now I have this image in my head of the two of the sitting side by side at this high school play together, and it's just burning me up inside. So my questions are: Did she cheat so we would break up? But the fact I didn't make her feel guilty and decide to stay? Should I ask her to try to avoid the in-law she's living with or do I need to trust her again if I want this to work? Do I keep telling her how I feel about every little thing? Honestly, I feel like I want to know every move she makes right now, but it's only because she's still in the same room as the guy that she screwed multiple times in the day. I don't know how to deal with this or if I even can. Edited May 30, 2012 by DLGBelleville
amayana Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 Wow, just wow. I have no words for this! How does she have the guts to say that she cannot promise you not to cheat again? What kind of a relationship has yours become? Wouldn't it be better to have an open relationship then? Have you asked her how she would feel if you cheated on her with a woman living in the same house as you? Would that be OK?! How will you ever be able to trust her again? Every minute of the day you will be wondering what she's doing. If she's screwing that guy again. And being drunk is not an excuse. Distance is not an excuse. Neither is the loneliness you often feel in this kind of relationship. Don't do this to yourself. To me cheating is the most horrible thing that you can do to someone you love. I cheated on an ex-boyfriend but to me that was a wake-up call. It was time to break up because I had tried to persuade myself that I still loved him although I didn't. I did him a favour by breaking up with him. It still haunts me today and when something similar happened to me after that I knew I'd never do it again because it hurts so much. It is the worst feeling. And having to ask yourself if you're still good enough for your partner is gruesome. And yes, a long-distance partner is still supposed to be the partner. Please, although it is hard, you have to be realistic about the situation. In my opinion this is not going anywhere unless you are ready to live with a cheat (which you shouldn't be, honestly). I'm in a long-distance relationship myself. 4000 miles and a freaking ocean between my boyfriend and me but I would never sleep with another man. Never ever. Simply because I love my boyfriend. He trusts me. And sleeping with someone else would be tearing that trust apart. He's good to me and hurting him would mean hurting myself.
tinyrobot Posted June 1, 2012 Posted June 1, 2012 There's no much left to wonder here.. She has shown she doesn't have what you need to be in a LDR: integrity and respect. This is over, you can't trust her anymore. She will do it again. I think cheating is bad in all cases but in LDR's is the worst. Its taking a piss on the whole relationship. When you are in LDR everything's hanging from a thread. Trust is like the spine that holds the structure. Once it is broken, you are dead.
ryleeT Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 she isn't going to ever be the wife and mother of your children... right? Deep down you know that and you really wouldn't want her to be right? I'm not suggesting that realization of this doesn't hurt but now you can get over it and realize that she's just not right for you and you've dodged a bullet. If you come to terms with that then the only question is what to do next... sure the obvious is to just breakup as other will suggest... but why? You've now got yourself a play thing... you're in control... enjoy it. Have you ever wanted to do something a little twisted (a 3 way? watch while she gets drilled by a guy/a girl, etc.)... things that you wouldn't want to do with the "One"... well as per the above, she's not it!... so put your thinking cap on and act out some fantasies... that way when you do find that right woman... you won't regret any missed opportunties.
TMichaels Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 ... And I ask her "Are the two of you already so comfortable that you can do the game and movie together? You're getting over that a lot faster than I am." leaving it on Skype for her to read later, then an hour later with no response... Next morning (time difference of three hours) still no response, so she's probably not awake yet, and I leave "I shouldn't repress this stuff either..." You do realize, do you not, unlike other Instant Messenger programs Skype does not support offline messages. In other words, if you leave a person a message on Skype who is not online at the time, they *will not* receive it until the next time when BOTH of you are logged in on Skype. Can be a real issue with those who are in LDRs if you assume the person has received your message and just hasn't responded when in reality they haven't received it yet, and won't, until the two of you are on Skype again at the same time. Best, TMichaels
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