Long distance GF slept with in-law.

[DLGBelleville]

So I've been seeing this girl for a couple years now, we're from the same town, but she had to move due to the fact that her dad is American, but works in Canada on a Visa. So once she was old enough to go to college, she had to leave or pay ridiculous prices (plus our local college isn't the greatest). So she moved, we saw each other for a month around Christmas, and 3-4 months around Summer, no big deal. We talk on Skype nearly every day, webcam a couple times a week (normal stuff, the long distance intimacy seemed to lessen once she moved in with a cousin who had young children, understandable I thought).

 

She's 20 and I'm 25. We've got a lot in common, I basically slept at her house more than my own place when she's down (my family is 6 hours away and I rent my off campus housing alongside 3 or 4 room mates dependent on the time of year). She's met both sides of my family (parents divorced) and we've travelled from Ontario to Quebec, and from Ontario to Ohio together, and we've never had any kind of fight that's stood out in my mind.

 

So her family has a lot of military, hence the reason why her dad was in Canada, helped build guidance systems for the local air force base.

 

She's living with her cousin, his wife and two kids. The wife's 32 year old brother just got out of the military, some black ops stuff we can't know about, and wanted to take a hiatus before looking for civilian work.

 

She calls me up on skype, says she needs to talk and have my full attention, we get on camera and she tells me they got drunk (like 3 or 4 shots of tequila and a few coolers) and she slept with him, as in she admits she was the sexual aggressor. She talks about how she's a terrible person and how she's bad for me and wouldn't blame me if I hated her forever.

 

Now my first relationship was 5 years long and the last year + was really not going well, and I was young and a coward and didn't know how to end things with my ex, and her family, as I was living with her at the time, so I slept with another girl and told my first ex over the phone when I was back home with my family. It was really low, but I own that mistake, I know why I did it, I don't make excuses and it's come up in every relationship I've been in since at my own admission. Because of this I realize how terrible the feeling of betraying someone that loves you is, and I tell her that I need to know if she loves me. We talk a bit, I tell her how I feel, that I love her, what that love means, how much this all makes me feel sick and when she tells me that it's the guy she's still technically living with I'm livid and I leave the room to punch a wooden door until my knuckles bleed. I come back, tell her we'll talk tomorrow, and I go to bed feeling disgusted and betrayed and with images of the two of them stopping me from getting any sleep.

 

I talk to her the next day, first thing, and ask her what she wants to do. She's just woken up, and I say that I want to see if there's anything we can do to salvage the relationship. We talk about why she did it, should her family she's staying with know, are they keeping it their dirty little secret, is she willing to not put herself in situations like this in the future where it could happen again, things like that, tell her there's a lot of work that needs to be done to get any trust back. This is where I'm taken off guard (I was on the defensive and thought I was ready) because she tells me that she's not sure if she can put the work in that I say I need, she says she's not sure if she can promise she won't cheat again. I ask her if I'm not giving her everything she needs because of the distance or if she'd rather be with a military built guy (I'm 5'11" and like 175 lbs. I'm lean, not skinny, not fat, go to the gym a couple times a week, but I wouldn't say I'm cut, or even use that as a descriptive term anyways). She tells me it just happened, going from reasons like 'I was drunk' or 'it was easy, and I just did it' and telling me things like 'I don't feel bad about the sex I had, it just happened. I felt guilty about not telling you, not about what I did and I didn't feel bad until I realized how much it hurt you.'

 

I'm floored. I caught myself apologizing and I realized this isn't how I thought this should go, this isn't how I feel. Suddenly I'm scared that I'm going to lose her, more than I was before, and I start talking about good memories I have of her and wanting to have good memories when I think of her, rather than thinking of her going down on some old army guy who probably just slept with her because he hadn't seen a woman who wasn't a security risk for the last five years. I talk about the things we did and how I miss those moments and then I say that it's late and we're both raw and we can talk again tomorrow.

 

So the -next- day rolls around and she calls me, and says that yes, she wants to try to fix the relationship because after we stopped talking she realized how scared she was to lose me, and tells me she loves me, something she's been saying the last three days, even when she said she didn't think she could promise to stop cheating. She says all the things she said the day before were her panicking and trying to escape. Now she says she's going to not put herself in those situations again, that she's going to be more responsible because she realizes all these things about our relationship. I'm still stunned that it took her cheating on me to realize this, and it hurts.

 

After all that, though, she goes to their living room and watches a basketball game with the guy she slept with, and while I realize that they have to share a house for however long it takes for him to get off their couch, it really makes me sick to even think they're spending time in the same room together. And after that, she comes back very briefly to talk to me, and then says she's going to watch a movie. Now she didn't say it was with him, but I can't help but think it is. And I ask her

 

"Are the two of you already so comfortable that you can do the game and movie together? You're getting over that a lot faster than I am." leaving it on Skype for her to read later, then an hour later with no response from her I write "And that felt a bit like I was coming from a moral high ground now that I read it back to myself. I shouldn't be doing that. Even if I feel really uncomfortable about it."

 

Next morning (time difference of three hours) still no response, so she's probably not awake yet, and I leave "I shouldn't repress this stuff either. It's something I should be saying if it's something I'm feeling. Maybe you went to watch the movie on your own, and it had nothing to do with the guy, maybe it's been more than two days since you slept with him and you waited to tell me so you've had more time to get over it, but right now it kind of feels to me like you're hanging out with him pretty casually for what I'm going through right now.

To an extent I understand there's not a lot you can do, but on the same token, I kind of feel like my feelings aren't really being taken into account.

I'll hopefully get the chance to talk to you about this later."

 

We talked again today, but I never got around to that conversation. We talked for about an hour and she had to go see a play that her cousin was in (another cousin, most of their family is around that area) and as they're in-laws, he gets invited to. So now I have this image in my head of the two of the sitting side by side at this high school play together, and it's just burning me up inside.

 

So my questions are:

 

Did she cheat so we would break up? But the fact I didn't make her feel guilty and decide to stay?

 

Should I ask her to try to avoid the in-law she's living with or do I need to trust her again if I want this to work?

 

Do I keep telling her how I feel about every little thing?

 

Honestly, I feel like I want to know every move she makes right now, but it's only because she's still in the same room as the guy that she screwed multiple times in the day. I don't know how to deal with this or if I even can.

Edited May 30, 2012 by DLGBelleville

[Furious]

So sorry for the pain you're going through.

 

It's normal to feel the roller coaster emotions and confusion you are experiencing.

 

I have a nephew in college and he and his high school girlfriend ended up attending different college very far from each other. They really tried to make it work but the distance and time apart made it impossible.

 

Your girlfriend is only 20 and right now the 5 year difference between the two of you is a big deal. Now that she has cheated on you...has only made it worse. You derseve better...you are young and with time and support from your friends and family you can move on.

 

((((hugs))))

[jnj express]

You are in a no win situation, and you can't do anything about what is going on

 

IMHO---she will cheat again-----you ain't there, and she is in full contact with this guy

 

The best thing you can do, is just cut her loose----as furious said---she is 20, she doesn't really even have it all together and she sure has no control/boundaries, so it is a good bet, when at a party, and with those all around her doing their thing, she is NOT gonna sit there, and do nothing.

 

LD Relationships, are killers----you have alcohol agst you, infatuation/flirting, agst you---you have her wanting to go out and do things any normal 20 yr old girl would do agst you---she isn't gonna sit home, and waste her life, for you---that is for sure

 

Cut her loose----if down the line when all of this LD stuff can come to an end, and she gets her wild oats sown----and if you still wanna hook-up----then go for it then

 

Right now you are gonna drive yourself mentally crazy, and that ain't good, just put an end to the relationship, and tell her if down the line you 2 wanna try again---then so be it!!!!!!

[Radu]

I think she cheated to end it with you, did you by any chance tell her about your last relationship and what happened there ?

I'm thinking you might have given her the ideea to go down this route.

 

Also, she is scum ... to do it with that guy.

I mean, in the family, in the same house ... this girl has no boundaries.

[RobD70]

She has made it pretty clear to you that you'll never be able to trust her. Don't let your insecurity dictate your actions.

There is no happy ending with her, you need to end it now. Odds are she is still sleeping with him (which may be why she was ignoring you messages, out of guilt).

 

Move on and don’t look back, she is not mature enough to be in a serious relationship. Staying with her is just asking for more pain. There are millions of women out there ready to replace her.

[Lecturer]

The most jarring thing is her lack of repentance. She outright said she wasn't sorry for cheating.. for the sex with the other guy. She feels she is somehow justified to do it.. so she'd feel justified to do it again.

 

I've actually seen this in another woman I knew, also about 20 years old. As I recall, it was an act - on some level (conscious or subconscious) - to take steps towards ending the relationship. Basically, she had already stopped caring and for the most part 'had nothing to lose'. Basically a situations of, "I should break up with my bf.. but I'll just enjoy life as though I was single anyway and either end it later or he'll end it."

[FryFish]

lol... what kind of a "black ops" guy gets out at 32? That is 6 years from RETIREMENT!!! Why did he put in 14 and not just finish it out? Your EX is a ho and she is being played by a loser... let her go get played.

[doushenka]

lol... what kind of a "black ops" guy gets out at 32? That is 6 years from RETIREMENT!!! Why did he put in 14 and not just finish it out? Your EX is a ho and she is being played by a loser... let her go get played.

 

Burnout.

 

You're not a loser if your mind goes "crrrrack". You're also not the best boyfriend for a 20-year-old, but you're not a loser.

[FryFish]

I wasnt saying the poster was a loser... I was saying the guy who got out after 14 years was a loser... and probably not who he was pretending to be.

[g450]

I wasnt saying the poster was a loser... I was saying the guy who got out after 14 years was a loser... and probably not who he was pretending to be.

 

Yep,

 

When I started dating I noticed this new generation of men (I call them that losly) who absolutely have no shame and will lie about anything to get into a girls pants. They are beyond pathetic. Nothing worse than a loser wannabe that makes crap up to impress the ladies.

[In Like Flynn]

As a retired military man I will tell you that guys that brag about being "Black Ops" etc were nothing but wannabe's!!! He is just saying that stuff to get laid!!! Getting out like that is a huge red flag!!! Probably got in trouble and was refused re-enlistment and forced out.

[drifter777]

You aren't married and have no kids together. She screwed the guy once, that you know of, and she's living in the same house with him. Why are you doing this to yourself? Break it off and enjoy being single and free. Reconciling with a 20 year-old chick who wants to enjoy other men is impossible. Just walk away - you will never ever regret it.