Sarie Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Let me give you some background first... my husband and I have been married 3 years, together for a total of 8 years. He and I are all we've ever known. We have a fantastic relationship and we are very happy. The only problem is I have insane jealousy/insecurity/abandonment issues because of my past. It has put stress on our relationship ever since we've been together, and because he loves me so much he deals with it. Anyways, my current problem is that my husband works with this very attractive girl who is my age and I am having issues about her (I guess I feel threatened). Lately they both have bought motorcycles and want to cruise together. Well that makes me upset because he's out with her and I'm home alone wondering what is up. (I can't go because he is just learning how to ride). Also, he always eats lunch with her, hangs out with her at work, etc. I'm so worried about him that I check his texts and emails daily. I even check his chat history on Google. I know he isn't cheating but it just eats away at me and I feel like eventually he will like her more than me and I keep thinking all these crazy scenarios. I keep thinking one day he will leave me for someone better. What I came here for is to find others like me who have jealousy issues. I want to know how to stop the thoughts and trust the other person. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I should see a counselor but I'm scared and don't know if I'll be able to open up. Any advice or help with the jealousy issues on my own?
DaisyLeigh Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I call bull****. He has no business doing what he is doing...I would tell him to choose.
freestyle Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 If it's truly an innocent friendship, your H should invite her over for dinner. If he balks at the idea, then you'll know if your fears are justified. I also think he's being highly inappropriate, spending that much one on one time with a female friend. People only have X amount of free time these days, so you shouldn't be getting shortchanged on quality time with your H.
Author Sarie Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 I met them and another male coworker for lunch the other day. The funny thing is, I know her already, we all went to college together. (I don't know her that well, but I know who she is). I just worry about everything..
NervisPervis Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 I don't know the female brain in that scenario, but I know the male brain. He wants to have sex with her. Of that I have NO DOUBT. No man puts that kind of time into a relationship with a woman he doesn't want to bang. NO MAN! I have no idea what you can do with that info. I'm just passing it on. 2
make me believe Posted June 3, 2012 Posted June 3, 2012 You SHOULD be worried because these are prime conditions for an affair to begin. He is spending one on one recreation time with her, building an emotional bond that you are not a part of. Not ok. The rides need to stop. He can learn to ride from somebody else (a guy -- like a professional instructor?). If he is texting her and calling her, that also needs to stop. His boundaries are waaayyy too loose and his interactions with her are totally excessive and inappropriate for a married man. Please stop thinking she is better than you. This isn't about her being better, or you being "too jealous." This is about your husband crossing the line and not maintaining appropriate boundaries with the opposite sex. Sorry, but I wouldn't be surprised if they've kissed already or started doing even more. 1
SoMovinOn Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 YOU should be his number one priority. It shouldn't matter if everything he does with her is completely innocent. What should matter to him is how it might look to you and how it makes you feel. He doesn't need to be doing any of it. No matter what is happening between him and her, he's not doing the right things for you or your marriage. It's a problem - not just your problem. 1
MissBee Posted June 6, 2012 Posted June 6, 2012 Let me give you some background first... my husband and I have been married 3 years, together for a total of 8 years. He and I are all we've ever known. We have a fantastic relationship and we are very happy. The only problem is I have insane jealousy/insecurity/abandonment issues because of my past. It has put stress on our relationship ever since we've been together, and because he loves me so much he deals with it. Anyways, my current problem is that my husband works with this very attractive girl who is my age and I am having issues about her (I guess I feel threatened). Lately they both have bought motorcycles and want to cruise together. Well that makes me upset because he's out with her and I'm home alone wondering what is up. (I can't go because he is just learning how to ride). Also, he always eats lunch with her, hangs out with her at work, etc. I'm so worried about him that I check his texts and emails daily. I even check his chat history on Google. I know he isn't cheating but it just eats away at me and I feel like eventually he will like her more than me and I keep thinking all these crazy scenarios. I keep thinking one day he will leave me for someone better. What I came here for is to find others like me who have jealousy issues. I want to know how to stop the thoughts and trust the other person. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I should see a counselor but I'm scared and don't know if I'll be able to open up. Any advice or help with the jealousy issues on my own? Fear of abandonment and so on is often deeply entrenched and often very difficult for one to address on their own. I think you should give counseling a try, as as you've seen for yourself, when this gets out of hand, it can ruin your peace of mind, sanity and relationship. I think there is a difference between insecurity from within and your partner doing things that make you insecure. I think there is a bit of both going on here. Your own insecurities will always come up in your relationship, even when nothing is there to worry about. It is draining for this other person to have someone who easily feels threatened, is always spying on them etc. No one likes that...it puts a strain on even a good relationship, and overtime your partner may become resentful of you and even may feel like, fine, since you're so jealous, might as well give you something to be jealous about. Perhaps your husband is doing that? If he is, that's not right, but it is understandable. He shouldn't be riding motorcycles and hanging out with other women alone...esp a woman that you feel threatened by. That is not a good way to protect your marriage at all. As a married man/woman you have to avoid certain situations and make everything above board....what he is doing now can potentially become problematic. I think you should seek counseling and let him know you are going to get help for your fears, and you need him to support you and ask him to refrain from hanging out with her. Perhaps some marriage counseling will help too to address the dynamics of your relationship and to have an outsider hear you both out and give some perspective. 1
Goodenough Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Honestly, I don't feel you are really being "crazy jealous". Would it be ok with him if you had a new male friend that you started spending a lot of time with chatting with etc...? While I think it's ok for married couples to have friends of the opposite sex, (lets face it it's a bit absurd to just assume we will stop talking to good friends after we are married just because they are the opposite gender- if you love the person you understand it's important and not a threat) but it is different when you have met the person after being married to me, I don't know. She's probably harmless and I'm sure your husband isn't thinking it's a big deal but I just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from. Just try not to let it eat you up and if it is bothering you that much then you should discuss it with him.
exquisite Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Let me start off by saying : YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT. Everyone in a healthy relationship needs to have some jealousy when it comes to the other person. I've told my husband before, when I stop caring & getting jealous, that's when you need to start worrying. However, what your husband is doing is pretty much neglecting you to hang out with some other chick who IS NOT his wife. That is not ok, in the least bit. And let me tell you something else : DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT THE WAY YOU FEEL. You said that you have insecurity issues from experiences in your past. Your husband should understand & respect that. Once you're a married man, there is absolutely no reason that you should be spending the better part of your day with a single (let's be honest, even married) woman. You work together? Fine. Have lunch with a bunch of work friends. If he's going out to lunch with this woman, that is unacceptable. Also, I don't mean to worry you, but it sounds like he's got some kind of feelings for this woman, whether it's a crush or something more. Think of typical dating advice. It usually tells you to find out what the other person is interested in & try to take an interest in it yourself, this way, you can spend time together doing whatever it is you're interested in. From what I understand, he started hanging out with her, then suddenly decided to take up riding (was she riding before he decided to take it up?), & is now taking lesson from this woman? I believe that all marriages are different, based on what the 2 (notice, there's only 2 people involved) people deem to be acceptable. Some couples are swingers. Others are not. YOU make the rules in your marriage. Talk to your husband & tell him that you are not ok with the amount of time he's been spending with this woman. He is a married man, he should understand. Tell him that you feel like he's spending barely any time with you & that because of your past experiences, you are not ok with this kind of behavior. He should be understanding. Imagine how he would feel if suddenly you started hanging out with an attractive man, taller, darker, handsomer than your husband. TRUST ME, he would in no way be ok with that. Ask him to put himself in your shoes & ask him how it would make him feel if the tables were turned. I wish you all the luck. Hopefully your husband understands how this makes you feel & where you're coming from. If he doesn't, then you have to consider where to go from there, if he doesn't respect your opinion & your feelings, he doesn't respect you. And you deserve respect. So just talk to him. BUT DON'T ACCUSE. 1
piggyoink Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Unhealthy JealousyJealousy can be a serious obstacle to leading a happy life; it can destroy jobs, relationships and friendships. The surge of jealousy may arise when a rival does something that appears threatening. Most people slip into jealous thoughts and emotions when they see their partner having a good time with someone of the opposite sex – especially if that other person is a little too friendly. When this happens it is normally the case that no matter what your spouse may say, the other person’s actions make you feel jealous and that jealousy can quickly turn into rage or other destructive emotions.
reboot Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 He's having an affair, whether they're having sex or not. 1
GLDheart Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 He's having an affair, whether they're having sex or not. I totally agree with this.
Radu Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Let me give you some background first... my husband and I have been married 3 years, together for a total of 8 years. He and I are all we've ever known. We have a fantastic relationship and we are very happy. The only problem is I have insane jealousy/insecurity/abandonment issues because of my past. It has put stress on our relationship ever since we've been together, and because he loves me so much he deals with it. Anyways, my current problem is that my husband works with this very attractive girl who is my age and I am having issues about her (I guess I feel threatened). Lately they both have bought motorcycles and want to cruise together. Well that makes me upset because he's out with her and I'm home alone wondering what is up. (I can't go because he is just learning how to ride). Also, he always eats lunch with her, hangs out with her at work, etc. I'm so worried about him that I check his texts and emails daily. I even check his chat history on Google. I know he isn't cheating but it just eats away at me and I feel like eventually he will like her more than me and I keep thinking all these crazy scenarios. I keep thinking one day he will leave me for someone better. What I came here for is to find others like me who have jealousy issues. I want to know how to stop the thoughts and trust the other person. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I should see a counselor but I'm scared and don't know if I'll be able to open up. Any advice or help with the jealousy issues on my own? Has he always known you have these jealousy issues ? What he is doing with this woman is borderline inapropiate, very close to EA. You will get your answer when you confront him about it by his own reaction. On the other hand, if you don't go into therapy [iC and maybe MC too later on] than you will destroy your marriage [may even cheat on your partner]. I suspect you also have serious self-esteem issues, is this how you want to live your life ? PS: The role of MC is to simply get the two of you to communicate good again, i suspect you aren't doing so well.
standtall Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 This is why men and women who are not married to one another have a hard time being friends. Right now, he is in the thrill of the chase, and if you don't stop the chase, he will get her.
KungFuJoe Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Ok...I think some people are overexaggerating. This does NOT mean he is cheating. But, it also doesn't mean he isn't. Only he and his friend know for sure. Is this a new friend or an old friend? I have a very good female friend (who I was friends with before I got married) and she is VERY attractive, my wife KNOWS that she used to like me back when we were friends (but nothing happened because I just wanted to be friends) and if I worked with her, we would have lunch and hang out all the time, and my wife wouldn't bat an eye. Now, there are differences in my story in that my wife is also very good friends with her as well so that helps, but I remember when I first introduced them, there was absolutely no jealousy or raised eyebrows or extra checking up on me. But, I do want to top it off with saying that everyone is different and one person's level of comfort is different than others. I can totally see you being uncomfortable with all the time he is spending. A relationship is all about compromise. Personally, if my wife wasn't happy about me spending a lot of time with a female coworker I would ease off a bit. Maybe we'd still have lunch together (convenient and harmless) but any after work activities, unless it was a group thing would cease or it would involve bringing my wife along. Talk to him and tell him how you feel.
reboot Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Ok...I think some people are overexaggerating. This does NOT mean he is cheating. What is your definition of cheating? If it's only rolling around in the sheets with someone, then no, he may not be cheating. My definition is any behavior with a third party that detracts from the marriage, that expends emotional energy on this third party, anything that takes away from the partner in the marriage and gives it to the third party. By my definition, he is cheating. And yes, this means that many things not sexual, gambling, drugs, video games, hunting, fishing, etc, etc could very well be considered cheating under the right circumstances.
marianne75 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 different meanings depending on the person involved. For me cheating is when there is a strong emotional and physical connection between two people. Neverthless, in my opinion you should try to make him understand that his behaviour makes you sad. You should be his priority and he can learn riding from enyone else! The problem is not you and your jealousy... you probably are insecure because he makes you feel that way. I've been married for 5 years and I'm as jealous as you with my husband. I'm so jealous that last year I suspected he was cheating on me and to discover if it was true, I began spying him. I found on an Italian site, Endoacustica, a device which allows you to spy a computer and I used it to read all his conversation. Fortunately I got nowhere My husband was not cheating on me. Neverthless, I talked with him about my insecurity and he was very sensitive. I suggest you to do the same... to tell him how you feel when he is out with her. Don't feel bad about your jealousy.
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