reeciecup Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 months. I offered to let him move in with me when his previous lease was up. He paid for the first two months and the last two months he has not paid anything. Our agreement was half of the rent and utilities and that he would only be there for three months. Now it is almost five months. My first reaction was that ok this guy is using me but then when I think about how amazing of a person and boyfriend he is to me those feelings go away. He treats me really well, he cleans, he cooks and tries to help out around the apartment as much as he can. I have expressed how I feel to him about him not paying and he says he’s not making a lot of money at work right now since he is on commission and if he was making more money he would not hesitate to pay me what he said he would. I have two jobs and am going to school full time. Of course my family/friends tell me he’s bad news and to get rid of him but for me it’s not that simple because I know I’ve never been so happy. He’s never been on drugs, jail..etc He’s funny, cute, smart and often tells me he wants to grow old with me and that I make him so happy. I recently talked to his mom and she said “I told my son to come back to his home town so that he can make more money but he tells me that he’s in love with you and doesn’t want to be without you.” On the other side my mom dislikes him and thinks I am too good for him and since I am a mommas girl I try to always listen to what she tells me too even though I am an adult, 23. But I get upset when my mom talks about it because, she only has negative things to say and this further stresses me out and makes me feel like I’m an idiot to have him live in my apt. FYI my boyfriend is 29. I am confused I have asked several people for their thoughts and it seems like no one helps. I need good sound advice! My question is do I let him continue to live with me? or send him sailing back to his mom?
LadyGrey Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 If the outside influences are the main issue then I'd turn a deaf ear to them. It's your life! If you are happy with how he treats you and he isn't peeing his money into frivolous things and is hunting for a better paying job or a 2nd job, then make an agreement with him to pay you back when he improves his finances. If he isn't making any actions to improve his finances then you have to decide if you can deal or not. Being happy and content with someone is difficult to put a price on and if you truly are.......remember your life is your life, not your parents.
CarrieT Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 You were me... Except I was 25 and he was 29. As I approached my 40th birthday, he was only able to get a job as a night stock-clerk at Target and I was still working three jobs to keep us in the manner to which we had grown accustomed. I wished I had broken up with him a dozen years before I did. Be strong and you won't regret it in the future... At 29, he should be able to take care of himself and he can't. You are enabling him by allowing him to live off you without contributing. It is unlikely to change if you don't push.
Author reeciecup Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Thanks for you input that helps alot!
xpaperxcutx Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Unless he's working a cleaning business, chores are chores and cannot be exchanged for rent. Look boyfriend or not, at 29 he should be able to afford rent or he can move back home to his parents. You are not his mom you are not responsible for him. At his age he should be looking into supporting himself and his gf not the other way around. I'm asian and in my culture a man who lives off a woman is not only lazy but looked down upon. 1
veggirl Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Why doesn't he get a new job? Do you see his paystubs to verify he truly "can't afford" the rent? A 29 yr old man sponging off a 23 yr old? Pathetic. You let him move in 2 mos into your relationship? First mistake. You barely knew him. If you are able to find work to pay the bills, why can't he? He could, if he wanted to. He doesn't want to, he has it made. A girl who will bend over to make his life more comfortable. If your family and friends all don't like him, and you're the only one who does...c'mon...open your eyes. I mean really, if he didn't have you to mooch off of, what would he do? He'd get a friggin job that pays the bills. 1
kaylan Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Unless he's working a cleaning business, chores are chores and cannot be exchanged for rent. Look boyfriend or not, at 29 he should be able to afford rent or he can move back home to his parents. You are not his mom you are not responsible for him. At his age he should be looking into supporting himself and his gf not the other way around. I'm asian and in my culture a man who lives off a woman is not only lazy but looked down upon. At his age he should only be looking to support himself. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 At his age he should only be looking to support himself. Kay my comments never come across as sexist unless I. Mean to but at his age he shouldn"t be lving off of his gf. OP has been nice enough to let him stay however one cannot live off of other's hospitalities forever. He thinks doing the chores are enough but at his age he should be buying his own place and paying off a mortgage.
kaylan Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) I understand OPs situation. I read her post in full as I did yours. I just dont agree with what you said about a guy age needing a job so a gf can be taken care of. Adults need to be taking care of themselves and not living off of partners. PS - Most guys get a mortgage when they are already working and married =P Edited May 30, 2012 by kaylan 1
xpaperxcutx Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I understand OPs situation. I read her post in full as I did yours. I just dont agree with what you said about a guy age needing a job so a gf can be taken care of. Adults need to be taking care of themselves and not living off of partners. PS - Most guys get a mortgage when they are already working and married =P I think its an inbred trait for men to want to be providers not that I was trying to imply men are required to take care of girlfriends. Look a relationship is 50/50. The guy is living off of the gf and resentment is certainly growing. Some guys already have their own places before marriage.
LittlePrince Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 months. I offered to let him move in with me when his previous lease was up. He paid for the first two months and the last two months he has not paid anything. Our agreement was half of the rent and utilities and that he would only be there for three months. Now it is almost five months. My first reaction was that ok this guy is using me but then when I think about how amazing of a person and boyfriend he is to me those feelings go away. He treats me really well, he cleans, he cooks and tries to help out around the apartment as much as he can. I have expressed how I feel to him about him not paying and he says he’s not making a lot of money at work right now since he is on commission and if he was making more money he would not hesitate to pay me what he said he would. I have two jobs and am going to school full time. Of course my family/friends tell me he’s bad news and to get rid of him but for me it’s not that simple because I know I’ve never been so happy. He’s never been on drugs, jail..etc He’s funny, cute, smart and often tells me he wants to grow old with me and that I make him so happy. I recently talked to his mom and she said “I told my son to come back to his home town so that he can make more money but he tells me that he’s in love with you and doesn’t want to be without you.” On the other side my mom dislikes him and thinks I am too good for him and since I am a mommas girl I try to always listen to what she tells me too even though I am an adult, 23. But I get upset when my mom talks about it because, she only has negative things to say and this further stresses me out and makes me feel like I’m an idiot to have him live in my apt. FYI my boyfriend is 29. I am confused I have asked several people for their thoughts and it seems like no one helps. I need good sound advice! My question is do I let him continue to live with me? or send him sailing back to his mom? It is likely he'll have financial issues the rest of his life if he is still having difficulty at 29 unless he was learning a new trade or earning a degree. Your mother seems to only see men as valuable if they can be breadwinners and if they can't then they are worthless. You'll have to determine on your own whether you want to continue to be with a man for the rest of your life who you could quite possibly need to support, or give greater weight to the practicality of his situation over your feelings for him and let go of the relationship. There are plenty of fish in the sea but not too many keepers.
kaylan Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I think its an inbred trait for men to want to be providers not that I was trying to imply men are required to take care of girlfriends. Look a relationship is 50/50. The guy is living off of the gf and resentment is certainly growing. Some guys already have their own places before marriage. Inbred? Ew gross lolz Anyways, Id say someones desire to be a provider can be largely cultural. Im sure its possible that if you started a society off in bio-dome somewhere and switched gender roles, that people would get alone with it just fine. Hell, history has shown us how flexible gender roles are. Either way i do agree a relationship is 50/50. OP shouldnt deal with his crap. And just because a guy has his own place doesnt mean he has a mortgage =P
SJC2008 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Look at it from an outsiders view. He's living rent free and getting steady trim, sounds like a dream come true!!! As far as what advice to give you need to tell us what your r goals are. If you want an r that could potentially lead to marriage then 1) do not live with a man out of wed lock 2) Date a man who is or is close to being career situated. Your friends and family didn't just get together one day and say "Hey, let's tell x she's with a deadbeat so we can break them up". They are saying it for a reason. 2
wordrock Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I think its an inbred trait for men to want to be providers not that I was trying to imply men are required to take care of girlfriends. Look a relationship is 50/50. The guy is living off of the gf and resentment is certainly growing. Some guys already have their own places before marriage. Totally. And it's so sad to see a wonderfully successful and independent man to allow a low wage earning woman to move in with him and sponge off him. It doesn't matter if they're a wonderful loving girlfriend. Such women are obviously some kind of parasites and need to be kicked to the curb!
LittlePrince Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Totally. And it's so sad to see a wonderfully successful and independent man to allow a low wage earning woman to move in with him and sponge off him. It doesn't matter if they're a wonderful loving girlfriend. Such women are obviously some kind of parasites and need to be kicked to the curb! If you concern yourself more with money over love then you won't need to worry about love, Ebenezer.
freetolove Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 send him back home and give him a reason some work harder and come back or else he will not change.
FrustratedStandards Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Ever think he treats you well only so you can keep letting him live with you? If he treats you like crap, you will kick him out. Not saying this is why, but that could be the reason why he is being so nice. After all, if all you had to do was "be nice" and you get a place to stay without paying rent, most of us would do it.
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I don't know if he is "using" you or not, but you are certainly enabling him to continue to NOT be responsible for his own livelihood. I think you should stop doing that.
truth_seeker Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I think the whole cute, funny, smart act is just that, an act! He's broke, lives off you, and all he has to do is sweet talk you and do chores? Plus, he has a sex with you? This guy should be voted con-man of the year! you're 23, date someone closer to your own age, or date an older guy who has a place of his own.
zengirl Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I don't know if he is "using" you or not, but you are certainly enabling him to continue to NOT be responsible for his own livelihood. I think you should stop doing that. THIS. If you originally agreed on 1/2 rent and a 3 month stay and both of those terms have been broken, I think you should bring that up. I'm not convinced he's "using" you, but it sounds like you're uncomfortable with the situation and you have every right to be. It's your choice how to live. I've supported a LTR partner before, during his hard times, and I didn't resent it, but we were together a long time before those hard times came and already living together. Your situation is not what was promised and it doesn't seem right for him to expect financial support from you. I don't think you have to dump him in order to say the (originally planned to be temporary!) living situation isn't working out at the moment. If he considers you asking him to go about continuing the agreed-upon plans to find a new place, etc, to be akin to breaking up with him, then, yes, he probably was using you.
Author reeciecup Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Well, let's figure this out - you work TWO jobs and you're also going to college. You've managed to keep yourself afloat by working multiple jobs, but your boyfriend CHOOSES not to, so he had to move in. The agreement was only for 3 months, but here we are at month 5 and he's still there, but quit paying you at the 2-month mark. LOSER. Honestly, what kind of low life SUCKS off of a struggling college student who has to work TWO jobs just to provide a roof over her head? What kind of dirtbag does that? It's quite clear he's taking advantage of you because he's too damned LAZY to get out and get himself a 2nd job. This jerk would rather watch YOU struggle carrying his loser ass every month than get a night job at Walmart or McDonald's or whatever he has to DO in order to pay his share. And you're so blinded by his obvious schmoozing - telling his mother he's "SO IN LOVE that he can't come home.." LOL!!!! Seriously???? It's more like he's got a FREE hotel to stay at with all the benefits which is much better than living in mom's basement and not getting laid on a regular basis. Plus, he'd have to PAY good old mom something to live there - at your place, he's discovered that all he has to do is act like he adores you and you're more than willing to not ask for a red cent from him. You've got yourself a leech that feels NO sense of responsibility at ALL toward you. He's going to continue sucking off you and telling you what you want to hear until you wise up and see what's really happening. I dont want to think the worst in the situation..but this hit the nail on the head!! Thanks for the wake up call!
Author reeciecup Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 I think the whole cute, funny, smart act is just that, an act! He's broke, lives off you, and all he has to do is sweet talk you and do chores? Plus, he has a sex with you? This guy should be voted con-man of the year! you're 23, date someone closer to your own age, or date an older guy who has a place of his own. Haha yes this is true!
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