Just broke up w/boyfriend and I need some time w/o talking to him

[whatshouldido]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years yesterday morning, i told him reasons etc..and that we shouldn't talk for a while..just because i do still love him, i just can not be with him anylonger..because i'm not as happy as i should be. he is still really in love with me, and he took it very hard.. 4 hours later he's calling and text messaging and leaving voice mails, i completley understand why he was calling, but i didn't pick up...i responded to his text and met him last night.. when i broke up with him we only had about 10 minutes to talk about it bc he was at work. right now i just don't want to talk to him for a while because i need to try to get over him..but we are still going to be friends, and who knows maybe this break will change us both for the better, and some day we will get back together..

[sportsloving]

when i broke up with him we only had about 10 minutes to talk about it bc he was at work.

 

Sorry but that just seems to be almost cruel.

[texastapper]

You need to put yourself in your boyfriends shoes, you guys have been together for a long time and I am sure he is hurting pretty badly. Maybe a break will be good, or maybe just a good wake up call is better. I think you definitely woke him up with this and sometimes that is all it takes. You need to be completely straight forward with him and tell him all the things that you missed in the relationship that did not make it fun anymore. The only way you are going to make things easier on him is by communicating to him. But if you are still not happy then you need to completely pull away from him. My opinion is that you still love him a lot and that you just wanted to liven him up a little more and get out of the 4.5 year long trend. you want to see him show you something different. Makes sense but you can never change someone, you can only work with them. If you think you have his complete attention now, then this is the time to let him know what it is you want out of life, the relationship , everything. And see where he fits in from there. Good luck and dont be so harsh to him, he is obviously hurting.

[whatshouldido]

Well, it has been two days since we broke up, but after i first told him, i ended up talking to him later that night. i wasn't trying to be"cruel" to him. but he insisted on finding out what was wrong, so i had to tell him, and it just so happened that he was at work. but i ended up going to his house to talk later that night.

 

we talked for a very long time, he said he was willing to change and do whatever he had to do to keep me...he had bought me 4 roses, for each year we had been together. he said the roses were for me for when he tried to beg me back to be with him, or if that didn't work, for us to be best friends. he wrote me a poem saying he knows what he has done and hasn't done for me, and that he is so thankful to have gotten to know me as well as he does, and that he is thankful for everything i've ever done for him

 

i told him that i didn't know if there was anything he could do right now to make me happier. and i also told him that i didn't want him to change for me. but he said that he would ..we discussed what i felt was wrong with the realationship, and for the most part it all came back to financial problems....which in turn was leading to stress on me which was uneeded because i'm so young and they aren't even my bills.. i told him that it wasn't all of his fault that i was unhappy. he didn't force me to take upon all these "extras", i let myself take care of him, and pay his bills, and then he just became accostomed to being taken care of. which in turn, eventually got to me and made me unhappy..

[whatshouldido]

Well, it has been two days since we broke up, but after i first told him, i ended up talking to him later that night. i wasn't trying to be"cruel" to him. but he insisted on finding out what was wrong, so i had to tell him, and it just so happened that he was at work. but i ended up going to his house to talk later that night.

 

we talked for a very long time, he said he was willing to change and do whatever he had to do to keep me...he had bought me 4 roses, for each year we had been together. he said the roses were for me for when he tried to beg me back to be with him, or if that didn't work, for us to be best friends. he wrote me a poem saying he knows what he has done and hasn't done for me, and that he is so thankful to have gotten to know me as well as he does, and that he is thankful for everything i've ever done for him

 

i told him that i didn't know if there was anything he could do right now to make me happier. and i also told him that i didn't want him to change for me. but he said that he would ..we discussed what i felt was wrong with the realationship, and for the most part it all came back to financial problems....which in turn was leading to stress on me which was uneeded because i'm so young and they aren't even my bills.. i told him that it wasn't all of his fault that i was unhappy. he didn't force me to take upon all these "extras", i let myself take care of him, and pay his bills, and then he just became accostomed to being taken care of. which in turn, eventually got to me and made me unhappy..

 

another problem i was struggling with is the fact that i'm not even 20, i'll be 20 on july 7th, and i have been in this relationship so long. it scares me. i have no idea who else is out there, and what i am ,and neither does he. but now as i've let go, i don't know if i really care who else is out there..and i don't know if i want him to see who else is out there either..right now, at this moment, i just want to call him and take him back. but it has only been 2 days, and i am confused, and just need to let myself think for a whlie, and try to find out what i need what i want, and who i am.

 

so, he took the break up very bad, we both sat and talked for a long time, sometimes crying, othertimes just talking like "friends" would talk, trying it out..it was a little odd. i ended up staying the night there, and we had one last "time" together..if u know what i mean. i told him i felt bad and i wasn't sure if i wanted to do this because i felt like i was taking advantage of him, but he said it was fine with him, as long as it was something i was sure i could do...i cried a lot, and it was the most emotional we have ever been during...anyways...we talked some more, then went to bed..

[whatshouldido]

Well, it has been two days since we broke up, but after i first told him, i ended up talking to him later that night. i wasn't trying to be"cruel" to him. but he insisted on finding out what was wrong, so i had to tell him, and it just so happened that he was at work. but i ended up going to his house to talk later that night.

 

we talked for a very long time, he said he was willing to change and do whatever he had to do to keep me...he had bought me 4 roses, for each year we had been together. he said the roses were for me for when he tried to beg me back to be with him, or if that didn't work, for us to be best friends. he wrote me a poem saying he knows what he has done and hasn't done for me, and that he is so thankful to have gotten to know me as well as he does, and that he is thankful for everything i've ever done for him

 

i told him that i didn't know if there was anything he could do right now to make me happier. and i also told him that i didn't want him to change for me. but he said that he would ..we discussed what i felt was wrong with the realationship, and for the most part it all came back to financial problems....which in turn was leading to stress on me which was uneeded because i'm so young and they aren't even my bills.. i told him that it wasn't all of his fault that i was unhappy. he didn't force me to take upon all these "extras", i let myself take care of him, and pay his bills, and then he just became accustomed to being taken care of. which in turn, eventually got to me and made me unhappy..

 

another problem i was struggling with is the fact that i'm not even 20, i'll be 20 on july 7th, and i have been in this relationship so long. it scares me. i have no idea who else is out there, and what i am ,and neither does he. but now as i've let go, i don't know if i really care who else is out there..and i don't know if i want him to see who else is out there either..right now, at this moment, i just want to call him and take him back. but it has only been 2 days, and i am confused, and just need to let myself think for a whlie, and try to find out what i need what i want, and who i am.

 

so, he took the break up very bad, but he did admit that he had felt that something had been different for the past coupleof weeks, and he thought that i might be feeling this way, but he tried to ignore the feeling hoping that he was wrong. he was a little upset that i didn't say something sooner, but he understood that i was hoping the feeling would go away, and that things would get better..

i was actually surprised at how well he handled it, i was scared that when it happened he was going to flip out and yell, and be angry, but he wasn't like that at all, he was scared and hurt, and confused, and he really does love me and he is in love with me, and i hate that i'm hurting him.

we both sat and talked for a long time, sometimes crying, othertimes just talking like "friends" would talk, trying it out..it was a little odd. he asked me if sometime i could come over and show me what he needs to do to pay the bills, and he also asked me what i was doing for my birthday and if i was going to see him. i told him the bills don't need to be taken care of right now, and i didn't know what i was doing for my birthday..the past four years we have gone shopping together and went out to eat for my birthday, and now i am thinking of doing something with my girlfriends..he started to cry when i told him i didn't know if i'd see him on my birthday..but i told him he could call me if he wanted to on my birthday.

i ended up staying the night there, and we had one last "time" together..if u know what i mean. i told him i felt bad and i wasn't sure if i wanted to do this because i felt like i was taking advantage of him, but he said it was fine with him, as long as it was something i was sure i could do...i cried a lot, and it was the most emotional we have ever been during...anyways...we talked some more, then went to bed..

the next mornign when we woke up it seemed at first that everything was just normal, but then we looked at each other, and my eyes filled with tears..because it wasn't going to be like this anymore. i had to drop him off at work, and before he got out, i told him alright, well we probably shouldn't talk for a while (we both started crying) if you want you can call me on my birthday. we hugged, he told me to drive safe, i told him to be good..and work hard, and then as he was about to walk away he said "love ya"...and that just set me off into lots of tears.

the night before when we had talked i clearly set down rules as to what we shouldn't do since we aren't "together":

1. no more calling each other "hun, babe," or baby talk etc..

2. no more kissing, holding hands

3. no more "love making"

4. not talking every day

5. no more saying i love you. i told him that i know he loves me and he knows i love him, and we don't need to tell each other all the time anymore.

these rules were supposed to apply directly that morning, except for #4..that one wasn't going to be in effect until we went at least 2 weeks wo talking to each other..

5 min later i get a text saying miss ya

3 hours later i get a text saying "rrgghh feelin pretty bad babe" notice the babe part...

and i typed back "stay strong." and haven't heard from him since.

however, every time the phone rings i hope its him..and it isn't....but that is good..we need some space.

 

i really don't know what i want. i do not want him out of my life. i do want to be best friends with him, or maybe even get back together with him. because we were best friends during our relatinoship, but its hard to be friends with someone you love..or have loved in a different way. he asked me if i was going to see other guys and i said no, not anytime soon..because i really do not want to be in a relationship, i really just want to find who i am.. i've been with him so long that i lost a sense of who i was, and i think he lost a sense of who he was too. he said that he wasn't going to see any girls, and that he can't imagine being with someone else...i told him someone else could make him happier, and he said that would be "impossible", and then he talked about never marrying if it wasn't me he could marry, maybe dating occasionaly but never settling down. he's so silly. i told him not to do that, i don't know if he really would do that anyways though.\

 

as for

Maybe a break will be good, or maybe just a good wake up call is better. I think you definitely woke him up with this and sometimes that is all it takes.

 

as for a wakeup call, yes i think u r def. right texas stopper. i did give him a wake up call. and he told me that reality has finally hit him. he told me how much hes messed up, and how he realizes it now, and how he understands that i have a good reason for doing so. and then he said as long as i'm happy... which i'm not..yet, anyways...

so if i do consider getting back together with him you are right i need to tell him what i want and need. so if i do get back together with him eventaully, i want to tell him before i get back w. him that i need him to be financially stable, self sufficient, independent, and employed. he needs to get his independence back..he was being dependent on me for too much..and i really feel that if he had taht all the time, things would be great, because we really were great together.

 

any comments?? i really like hearing what other people have to say..so please let me know. thanks a bunch. sorry for the long post..

[whatshouldido]

i hit the tab button then enter...then i tried to stop it before it went throuhg...but i guess it didn't work...just read the longest one!

[Starting Over]

Please take this with a grain of salt.....it concerns me that you went over a list of things that you wanted to be different and he violated those with his text messages in less than 4 hours. Does he love you or just "need you"?

 

A break might be healthy for both of you. If he can stick it out and take care of himself, it might be worth reconsidering him. If he can't stop harassing you, it might be a sign of problems to come in the future.

 

Just some thoughts....like I said I am no relationship expert....you're ten years younger than me and I think you know more than me!

[anotherperson]

that i need him to be financially stable, self sufficient, independent, and employed. he needs to get his independence back..he was being dependent on me for too much..and i really feel that if he had taht all the time, things would be great, because we really were great together.

 

whatshouldido,

 

Reading what you've said, it sounds like you broke up with your boyfriend for some of the same basic reasons that my ex broke up with me. However... how can he show his interest in you and still mantain the "independence" that you want him to show? To me, it seems as though relationships require some mutual dependence. ... ?

 

-anotherperson

[whatshouldido]

how can he show his interest in you and still mantain the "independence" that you want him to show? To me, it seems as though relationships require some mutual dependence. ... ?

 

 

anotherperson-

 

well by independence, i mean having a job at all times, and paying his own bills. for the majority of the time we were together he was unemployed, and i was paying the bills. even ones that weren't mine. he was dependent on me, but i wasn't really dependent on him for anything like that. i just want him to realize what it is like to have to be on his own, paying his own bills, w.o having someone else there to do it for him. does this make sense to you?

[whatshouldido]

well, i hadn't heard from him since sunday...and then this morning he called me.

he just called me to tell me that he had some money to give to me for the phone bill..

and then he apologized for calling..

we talked for about 8 minutes or so..

.then he asked me if i wanted to come over and get the money from him sometime...he was like unless you don't want to see me...and i just told him that i didn't know..he asked me to call him if i was going to...i told him that it had only been two days since we haven't talked, and he said "i know, but it's felt like two years"..i told him i wuold consider coming over to get the money, give him all of his papers, bills, and anything else i had of his,( that part made him real sad..).. and we could talk some more.

 

however, now i do not know what i should do? should i wait longer?...(i do need that money though). should i go see him...? should i just see him now, and then tell him that i do not want to see him for a month or so?

i don't know what to do.

i just want to see how i feel....so far i am not a happy single person....i don't know.

 

any words of advice?