Coffee20 Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 God I am so angry again, so angry. Firstly I was going through the school (like 3 or 4 weeks ago) and I heard in whisper: "look at her, this is that bitch" Then I met him and he told me, how bad person I was, everything was my fault. And today (and it's actually the second time I hear this) he met my grandmum. I didn't talk with my grandmum about him and about our relationship. He met her, came to her and told her, that everything was my fault, picked up old issues and blamed me for everything and again added some extra information (that I didn't know about), just to prove that it was my fault. Also told her that he was OK without me, he had fun and didn't want relationship anymore, just date for fun and had fun in his life and then asked whether I had fun too . My grandmum didn't know these issues and problems we had had but told him: "As I can see now, she is really better off this relationship." Is this guy normal?? I can't understand what does he want now.
HVane Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Who cares what he wants? Who cares if he is normal? HE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU OR YOUR LIFE. Why do you care what he thinks? LET HIM GO.
Derevko Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Not normal. And your grandmum sounds like the coolest lady ever. 4
Author Coffee20 Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 I did, let him go, this just made me again angry, so I vented. I am not the one who keeps blaming him in front of his friend or his family. I wouldn't do it.
geegirl Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 (edited) I did, let him go, this just made me again angry, so I vented. I am not the one who keeps blaming him in front of his friend or his family. I wouldn't do it. And you're being the bigger person. It takes emotional and mental maturity to refrain from doing what he is doing. Some people need to talk crap about you to make themselves feel good, brainwash themselves into believing it was everyone's fault but theirs because that takes the focus off them. If he can rally the troops to frown at you, then it takes the attention away from him. Let him do what he does best. These types are attention seekers. He would rather point out your s*** then look at himself. Vent here. Don't react and leave him alone. Your grandmother should have put her boot up his ass. Edited May 29, 2012 by geegirl 3
Author Coffee20 Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 And you're being the bigger person. It takes emotional and mental maturity to refrain from doing what he is doing. Some people need to talk crap about you to make themselves feel good, brainwash themselves into believing it was everyone's fault but theirs because that takes the focus off them. If he can rally the troops to frown at you, then it takes the attention away from him. Let him do what he does best. These types are attention seekers. He would rather point out your s*** then look at himself. Vent here. Don't react and leave him alone. Your grandmother should have put her boot up his ass. thank you, just needed to catch a breath actually, good to know again that he is so ok without me
geegirl Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 thank you, just needed to catch a breath actually, good to know again that he is so ok without me It's his loss Coffee. You'll soon realize that you dodged a bullet. He is no prize. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 And you're being the bigger person. It takes emotional and mental maturity to refrain from doing what he is doing. Some people need to talk crap about you to make themselves feel good, brainwash themselves into believing it was everyone's fault but theirs because that takes the focus off them. If he can rally the troops to frown at you, then it takes the attention away from him. Let him do what he does best. These types are attention seekers. He would rather point out your s*** then look at himself. Vent here. Don't react and leave him alone. Your grandmother should have put her boot up his ass. Geegirl; your wisdom is very helpful on here. Just wanted you to know that. What you just said, you could have said about my ex. Some guys are narcissistic and feel they do no wrong. This doesn't change. As I said, your advice/comments are always spot on. Glad you are here:) 1
Author Coffee20 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) Geegirl; your wisdom is very helpful on here. Just wanted you to know that. What you just said, you could have said about my ex. Some guys are narcissistic and feel they do no wrong. This doesn't change. As I said, your advice/comments are always spot on. Glad you are here:) I have to agree with BewitchedandBothered, really thank you Geegirl, I always read your advice when I feel weak, happy that you are here too. Edited May 30, 2012 by Coffee20
Radu Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I read your history ... i hope you take your time and read this : Narcissism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Also, if possible get a restraining order on this guy. It's for your own safety. 1
geegirl Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Geegirl; your wisdom is very helpful on here. Just wanted you to know that. What you just said, you could have said about my ex. Some guys are narcissistic and feel they do no wrong. This doesn't change. As I said, your advice/comments are always spot on. Glad you are here:) Thanks for saying that, Bewitched and Coffee! I've had the pleasure of this type as well. I'm glad you guys are here too providing support and finding it. 1
Mack05 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) Coffee, I am going to come at this from another angle. Yes this guy is a moron. No doubt about it. But the problem I see with this thread, I see on so many other threads on LS. An ex does a crappy thing, which the original poster then posts about. They get a 'cheering squad' confirming that the ex really is a moron, with great insight/reasoning/understanding behind his moronic behaviour. OP feels good to get the support from posters that have been there and seen this behaviour before. But this support is only a short term 'good' feeling. Venting is great, but there has to come a time when the focus goes off him and back to you.. I want my posts to focus on the original poster (aka you) and I will explain why. I used to be part of many cheering squads on this site. "Yes your ex is this and yes your ex is that". Been there done that me, but what does that mean?. Have I ever been part of a successful marriage no. Have I had over 4 serious failed relationships, yes. Have made some bad choices in partners, yes and so on. So me giving you (or anyone else on this site) advice, smells of hypocrisy. Especially when I kept making bad choices in my own life. Before I would blame my ex's for everything. I would put my entire focus on their bad behaviour and/or their mistakes (like many on this site). I would let my anger take me as far as it could go and then eventually stopped caring. I would meet another girl and have a similar ending. Why? cause I never once (until recently) looked totally inwards and focused on my behaviour in these relationships. This is the direction I want to take you in Coffee. Yes cheering squads are great in life, but are not part of a long term solution, especially when many members of these 'cheering squads' have never been part of a very long term successful relationship themselves. Why? Because yes they can tell you everything about a bad guy or a moron and their 'behaviours', but rarely do they figure out exactly why they make the bad choices that they did. This is the path I want you to avoid Coffee. You are not given anything in this life. You have to earn it. Great guys just suddenly don't appear out of nowhere like in the movies, (even if you believe that to be the case). They come when you are at your very best within yourself. Your self esteem is good, you are happy in your skin, you have no excess 'life' baggage holding you down. Here is where you have to turn things inwards, because the people with baggage in life (which there are many) are people that focus/blame on other people and not themselves. They avoid looking inwards and live their lives in a state of denial. For these people emotional growth is impossible. People who get rid of baggage accept this person is not for them, take their time healing and growing and then forgive the person for the hurt caused to them. Now how do you turn this inwards? Emotionally healthy people, don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people. It's a cast iron fact. I'm sure they were warning signs with this guy. Did you ignore them? Choose not to deal with them? What were your mistakes in the relationship? Did your flaws in anyway affect the relationship? And so on and so on..To make real progress is to focus solely on your role in the failure of this relationship. Let this guy live the life he is headed toward. He is no longer your problem. Now its about gaining your happiness and when the time is right, attracting the right partner for you. Journaling really helped me. Going through emails all the way back from 5 ex's ago (12 years back)! and jotting down very criticisms of me. Its crazy time consuming, but my god eye opening! Slowly I am piecing everthing together like a jigsaw. Yes it's important to know a little about your partners flaws, but the main focus should be on your own. Once you have an idea what these flaws truly are, there are some great books out there to help towards your emotional growth. I hope you understand now "why does he do this or that" is not important to your life. What is important is disappearing from this man's life, so that he does not get in the way of your healing and your personal growth..Don't live the life he is headed toward. Choose a better one. I wish you well.. Edited May 30, 2012 by Mack05 2
Author Coffee20 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) I want my posts to focus on the original poster (aka you) and I will explain why. I used to be part of many cheering squads on this site. "Yes your ex is this and yes your ex is that". Been there done that me, but what does that mean?. Have I ever been part of a successful marriage no. Have I had over 4 serious failed relationships, yes. Have made some bad choices in partners, yes and so on. So me giving you (or anyone else on this site) advice, smells of hypocrisy. Especially when I kept making bad choices in my own life. Before I would blame my ex's for everything. I would put my entire focus on their bad behaviour and/or their mistakes (like many on this site). I would let my anger take me as far as it could go and then eventually stopped caring. I would meet another girl and have a similar ending. Why? cause I never once (until recently) looked totally inwards and focused on my behaviour in these relationships. Hi, thank you a lot for your reply, I completely understand. I got this similar advice before and I don't think it's hypocrisy. I am slowly coming to the same conclusion. It's the second time I experience the similar (but completely different relationship and ending). But both were similar in one thing, I just let them to do whatever they wanted, completely ignored warning sides and maybe I wanted even to help them? I also remember that this guy on our second date, told me about his bad life, how people treated him badly, felt sorry for himself and told me how he had to work hard just to get some money (and this was the reason why I usually paid on our dates)...I actually felt sorry for him (exactly the same words from the first bf) and really longed to show him that I can give him the best. Slowly I realized that he has good life, a lot of good friends who want to spend time with him, he almost never works and get money from their parents who are rich (exactly same as with the first boyfriend). When they got what they wanted they just left me but kept the relationship - let the status on facebook but didn't want to meet me or do something with me. Now how do you turn this inwards? Emotionally healthy people, don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people. It's a cast iron fact. I'm sure they were warning signs with this guy. Did you ignore them? Choose not to deal with them? To make real progress is to focus solely on your role in the relationship. Let this guy live the live he is headed toward. He is no longer your problem. Now its about gaining your happiness and when the time is right attracting the right partner. Hm this is true, I wasn't that emotionally stable, I felt very low confidence. I ignored all those red flags, although I saw them. I kept telling myself, that it will get better in time. I didn't deal with them and when I tried (and didn't even know how to try), it was too late. I am also aware of my other mistakes, especially in the end of our relationship, where I was emotionally unstable, cried a lot said sorry for each mistake he or I had made, felt stomach sick and just exploded anytime he told me something cruel, f me off or or I was completely silent and then exploded later. This wasn't good at all and it's also for the first time I experienced these flaws in me, because I am usually very laid - back person. I hope you understand now "why does he do this or that" is not important to your life. What is important is disappearing from this man's life, so that he does not get in the way of your healing and your personal growth..I wish you well.. I heard it from one member already (geegirl). Since that time I wake up every day and try to focus on MY MISTAKES, try to move on with my life and really work on to be a better person. But his blame doesn't help me. It just took me back again. I really thought he had enough, but he obviously didn't have. Thank you for your time and advice! Edited May 30, 2012 by Coffee20
Author Coffee20 Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 I read your history ... i hope you take your time and read this : Narcissism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Late reply, but today I read about narcissism a lot and oh my god everything what I have read can be related to my ex . Thanks.
Mack05 Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 (edited) Late reply, but today I read about narcissism a lot and oh my god everything what I have read can be related to my ex . Thanks. Coffee my ex has borderline personality disorder. Great I now have an explanation to her behaviour(s) as do you. But instead of wasting precious time focusing on what is wrong with them, you need to turn this inwards so that you avoid this type of man in future. You don't need any validation from him. His opinion of you and what he says about you means nothing (or at least it shouldn't). You don't need to analyze everything he did with a fine tooth comb. I did that. Got me bleeding nowhere. Just postponed dealing with my own issues.. Real emotional growth is gaining a better understanding of your 'self'. Instead of examining his behaviours in the relationship, examine yours. This will enable you to become self aware and help you make wiser choices in the future. Edited June 17, 2012 by Mack05
Author Coffee20 Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 Coffee my ex has borderline personality disorder. Great I now have an explanation to her behaviour(s) as do you. But instead of wasting precious time focusing on what is wrong with them, you need to turn this inwards so that you avoid this type of man in future. You don't need any validation from him. His opinion of you and what he says about you means nothing (or at least it shouldn't). You don't need to analyze everything he did with a fine tooth comb. I did that. Got me bleeding nowhere. Just postponed dealing with my own issues.. Real emotional growth is gaining a better understanding of your 'self'. Instead of examining his behaviours in the relationship, examine yours. This will enable you to become self aware and help you make wiser choices in the future. I know I know and I try really hard to focus on myself, sometimes I really can't help it but today I was listening to some Rammstein songs and told myself hmm this sounds like my ex and searched for the song and looked what the song was about and found this.....but I know I just waste my time and energy by doing that.
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