How To Cope With Boyfriend's Long Divorce

[BrandiBroken]

First of all, I do know that I don't truly have the 'right' to feel upset or frustrated, that she is his wife regardless, their marriage takes the cake to anything else, and I am the third party to their marriage. Yet, the feelings remain.

 

I'm wanting to start our life together and remain held back due to everything that involves their relationship it feels like.

 

She was his ill thought out revenge against me.

 

We met at the start of 2001 and ended at the end of 2006. There were a few break ups in between. But 2006, we had a very nasty break up which resulted in this woman coming into our lives.

 

He started talking to her online about a week after we broke up, gave me a heads up he was going to go meet her and hook up with her. Which he did the following week. While there, he had her call me and then she got my number from him again and text me the following morning to tell me all the details of their day and then their night time activities together. That following day after she had sent me those texts, he brought her 5 hours back south to his hometown to meet his whole entire family and spend the holiday and week with everyone. The week following this he took her on an out of state vacation for two weeks. And in the middle of it, 16 days into dating her, he proposed. He told me after it happened through text, saying he planned the day to be the next Halloween. But that didn't happen, instead they rushed it. 3 months after they got engaged, 4 months into dating, 4 1/2 months after we broke up... they went through with it and got married.

 

The following day and for months he kept telling me he regretted it already, wished it was me, he still loved me, ect. Then it turned ugly and she found out and was full out threatening me and it was too much to deal with so I left them alone. They got married in early April, I stopped complete contact with them a couple of months later. In November of 2008 I wrote him once, spur of the moment, just saying happy birthday basically and got a very crude response a month after which I actually didn't see until months after. So for the most part from 07 until June of 2010 we had zero contact, just this one back and forth.I never responded back and continued to stay away.

 

Then, June 2010 happened and he randomly found me on Facebook. He apologized for what he had done, filled me in on all that had happened the past few years, asked about my life, said he still loved me and he was leaving her and wanted to try again. Which I wasn't at all for and how he got me to come around I have no idea.

 

This man broke my heart. He was the first guy I ever dated. To this day he still is. He dated before me, during our break ups, married and had a life with someone else and the whole time... I just had him. I have never even tried to be with someone else. I've never been dated, slept with, even kissed someone else. And my life was so screwed up by what happened. When he got with her, I fell into severe depression. I was suicidal and when I wasn't I was just living in a zombie daze. I was in the hospital for not taking care of myself. I stopped all contact with everyone I knew. I wouldn't see them, wouldn't respond to email, texts, phone calls. If they tried to force it, I made sure they left me alone by any means. I stopped going to work. I took time off then I just stopped going. I didn't leave the house, hardly got out of bed. I was fired and lied to the person I was living with about looking for somewhere else. I ended up getting kicked out of my apartment, couldn't find anywhere else, so I lived in a tent on a campground for over six months. I literally spent every second of every day of that lying on the ground with headphones on listening to heartbreaking modern rock and re-reading over everything said to me. When I started picking myself back up, got a place to live, tried to mend some broken friendship bridges, got back to work... I continued to spend my every second obsessing over what happened until that email from 2008. He would still be on my mind but not as much. I did everything possible to avoid it and just make it through day to day.

 

So going back into this wasn't easy. I didn't believe him, thought he was just playing with me, and even if he wasn't... the past spoke for itself. And to live in her shadow and with it forever. I didn't want. I don't believe in being with a married/separated/previously married person for myself anyway in general. But... I thought I owed it to myself to give it a chance.

 

So I waited, they did separate and filed for divorce. We were pretty much an unofficial couple while they were still very much together and during the time given for them to just be apart and before jumping into something else.

 

Next month, it'll be two years though since he came back into my life. And their divorce has been going on a few months shy of that. And it feels like there is no end in sight.

 

Everyone who knows him, even people who do not like me and approve of us together, have pointed out how wrong they were together and it should have never happened. That he spent the entire time in love with me, talking about me, so on. One of his tattoos is for me/has my name which she kept trying to get rid of, threatened to leave him over to threatening to cut it off of him. He was not in a good place. She was abusive, stole from him, her family got him kicked out of school when he went back. He was encouraged by friends and family to come find me and work it out with me.

 

She.... she's a psychopath, and that's being nice. She's stalked me, found out ways to contact me in the first place and went out of her way to continue finding me. She found out where I was when I was just new to the campground and threatened to come kill me. She was abusive and just... crazy. She cheated on him multiple times, admitted to it, it was filmed with one guy, so on. After they filed for divorce, she found out she was pregnant with her second child, by her COUSIN who she'd been cheating with. She'd been staying with him during the separation and even practically the months before that. It's her COUSIN. Ick. He is a drug dealer, got her hooked, started cooking in their house which had children living there.

 

So yes. Me and him started dating, I began flying out to see him every month-two months for a week or two, then I moved out here to be with him. I wasn't going to until it was final between them but it was set to be near the start of this past December. So I was moving mid October and thought okay, I have everything set, a place came up, do it anyway and it'll be over.

 

Of course this isn't how it went. Things popped up and it got pushed back. I was living out here though, and we had gone through a really rough patch but were trying to work it out, he asked me to marry him days before Christmas. Date had been discussed before, back in '10 to be December 20 2012.

 

So......... now we're here. We live together, he's still married, the end is nowhere in sight, we cancelled our engagement.

 

I had jumped right into it. Help of friends and family (his, not mine) though I told my family and recently they had already begun rearrange plans for the holidays to be able to make it. I spent thousands of dollars already on things, I had my dress, decorations, invitiations, so on. I was way ahead of schedule but I'd been waiting for this for 11+ years.

 

So the divorce didn't happen when it was supposed to multiple times. Time had been requested mutiple times, she tried to put a stop to it early on, this and that kept coming up. December happened. Jan found out DNA test results to the previous child born into the marriage. Feb event got pushed back to March because he lawyer wanted to bow out. So on. So it got to the point I was depressed. I told everyone the wedding was off, it had been put out there thanks to the kid situation by my doing yet I kept hoping things would work out, but time kept dragging on. My family had started asking me what they could do, were planning out holiday stuff already and how they would come out here and all so i had to tell them. I just kept feeling so sick I would plan everything out, spend all this money, have everyone come out, and last minute.... have to embarass myself by telling everyone they wasted their time because we were still unable to do anything.

 

I was getting sevrely depressed by it all. I had stuff all over the house mocking me. Which was my own doing, I know. But I couldn't take it anymore. One day I just started throwing everything in the trash. I threw the dress away, my reception and night ware away, flower girl dresses and supplies, ring pillow, invitations, magazines, caalogs, candles, decorations, balloons, everything. Anything I had for the day, I just tossed before I had a break down. I had borrowed money to buy the stuff so was trying to pay it back as quickly as I could. My family and I are not close. I haven't seen them but once since 04. I only talk to them on Facebook at random. They've never met him. They already look down on us because they're crazy religious people and he's going to be divorced and that's a no-no in my family. And the fact he's still married now... well they have a few choice words for what they think I am. But they were trying, least some of them who are a little less nuts. Now... it's just worse than ever. We're a big joke to everyone on my side.

 

So now it's seven months away from when we were supposed to get married. And it's depressing. I loved the idea, I loved the why he asked for that day. I loved the winter wedding, I loved the theme, everything. It meant something.

 

And I feel like it's never going to happen. Not just on this day, but ever.

 

I feel like I'm in her shadow. Always will be.

 

Just this week it even came out that her parents were stepping in with a motion to intervene in regards to the child. He's had nothing to do with the child, wants nothing to do with it, wishes she didn't exist. Hates her with a passion. (Which no I do not condone.) He's signed away rights to her, tried to work out child support, and all else. He was trying to put the mess behind him and cut ties best he could and get the dovrce done with. Now this.

 

Things are set months apart for settings and things with the court and judge, his lawyer never responds to him, it's just a mess.

 

So... any tips on how to cope and stop feeling like I do? Does it get better?

[FitChick]

Care to summarize your novel?

[BrandiBroken]

Care to summarize your novel?

 

 

Basically the title was the short version, rest the whole picture. =)

 

Just been having a hard time dealing with it, especially the past few months.

[TigerCub]

You mentioned that DNA results came out for the child from the marriage - but you didn't say if the kid is your boyfriend's or not.

 

Somewhere at the end you say this

"Just this week it even came out that her parents were stepping in with a motion to intervene in regards to the child. He's had nothing to do with the child, wants nothing to do with it, wishes she didn't exist. Hates her with a passion. (Which no I do not condone.) He's signed away rights to her, tried to work out child support, and all else. He was trying to put the mess behind him and cut ties best he could and get the dovrce done with. Now this."

 

 

Well even if it wasn't his kid - that's unbelievably cruel. Do you really want to be with a guy that is capable of feeling that way.

If its his kid - then WOW!

 

I think (and I don't mean this in a harsh way) - I think you need therapy. If you didn't date ANYONE for all those years after you broke up with him - there is something you need to work out within yourself. No body is really worth going into seclusion over after a break up.

 

Also, he left his wife and came running to you - he proposed and wants to marry you - sound familiar?

That's totally what he did with that woman when he broke up with you.

 

I think all parties in this story need professional help (again, not meant as an insult) but its true.

 

You have terrible self esteem issues - you wait year after year for a douche that treated you so terribly and you keep investing money preparing for a wedding that will never happen. Instead of kicking this loser out, you keep humiliating yourself.

 

I don't think this has as much to do with the wife as it has to do with you and how little value you place on yourself.

 

My advice to you - get some therapy, work on your self esteem, date other people, get a life of your own that wont include waiting around for this loser.

 

Good luck to you

Edited May 29, 2012 by TigerCub

[BrandiBroken]

You mentioned that DNA results came out for the child from the marriage - but you didn't say if the kid is your boyfriend's or not.

 

Somewhere at the end you say this

"Just this week it even came out that her parents were stepping in with a motion to intervene in regards to the child. He's had nothing to do with the child, wants nothing to do with it, wishes she didn't exist. Hates her with a passion. (Which no I do not condone.) He's signed away rights to her, tried to work out child support, and all else. He was trying to put the mess behind him and cut ties best he could and get the dovrce done with. Now this."

 

 

Well even if it wasn't his kid - that's unbelievably cruel. Do you really want to be with a guy that is capable of feeling that way.

If its his kid - then WOW!

 

I think (and I don't mean this in a harsh way) - I think you need therapy. If you didn't date ANYONE for all those years after you broke up with him - there is something you need to work out within yourself. No body is really worth going into seclusion over after a break up.

 

Also, he left his wife and came running to you - he proposed and wants to marry you - sound familiar?

That's totally what he did with that woman when he broke up with you.

 

I think all parties in this story need professional help (again, not meant as an insult) but its true.

 

You have terrible self esteem issues - you wait year after year for a douche that treated you so terribly and you keep investing money preparing for a wedding that will never happen. Instead of kicking this loser out, you keep humiliating yourself.

 

I don't think this has as much to do with the wife as it has to do with you and how little value you place on yourself.

 

My advice to you - get some therapy, work on your self esteem, date other people, get a life of your own that wont include waiting around for this loser.

 

Good luck to you

 

 

 

The child is his. He never once thought it to be, he was literally around her during not just what is seen to be conception time frame but for months around it less than five times and doesn't recall sleeping with her. They were living practically all stacked up with his family at the time, didn't have a room to their self, so on. Plus she was in fact cheating on him so he truly never believed it to be his and never gave a care in the world about it, hoped she'd abort it. Still wishes she had.

 

Now, honestly, I have my reservations and feelings about the child. I won't deny that. I don't wish harm onto her or anything of that nature but personally I want nothing to do with the whole situation. When I found out about her and if I had known for fact he was the father, us getting back together would have never in a millio years happened.

 

As for him, no. In no way do I think it is 'okay' or do I support his full of hatred of her. And I could list off why he explains he feels the way he does, yet it doesn't help or change anything in the end. That's just how he feels. He doesn't want her, wishes she wasn't born, wished something would happen and he'd be done with the whole thing.

 

I was pregnant, ended up having a early miscarriage. And obviously was worried given everything there yet with me. He couldn't have been happier, everyone around him who knew were happy, he was bouncing off the walls ready for it. Saying it was different because it was me, because he wanted the child because it was with me, so on.

 

It's his child, and even if he doesn't have "a connection" to it even if it was with this woman, so on... I have a hard time wrapping my head around it.

 

But I stay out of it. I don't feel anything about the daughter. I'd be out the door 99% sure if she was part of our lives. I'm one of those that fall in the group of You're not mine. I don't have any attachment to you. You're not my responsibility. I wouldn't have an inkling to preotect you in the event of something.

 

Though I do wish he was different in many ways. I feel sorry for the girl. She's got the mother's horrible grandparents stepping in, her father hates her wants her to not exist, her mother is a drug addict and unable to seemingly take care of herself. Her dad wants to start a new life, would love his new wife, new children the way he's supposed to love her... I do feel awful for her and have tried to push him to at least try. As have others. But it's no use.

 

And she (the ex) nor her family make it easy. Last time he was dragged up there by his biological father, they called the police on him and reported that his ENTIRE family were trying to kidnap her.

 

He's had therapy. Started it when he was still very much married. They went to couple and separate. He was even somewhat encouraged to contact me again there, even if just to find closure. He goes less regularly now but when he has an appointment he makes his way there.

 

He was flying off the deep end at the end of their marriage and where he is now is soooo much better.

 

I gave therapy a go for a short while the year during our time apart. I did a lot of self change after the sinkhole started letting up. Maybe not all that much but I started trying to be a tiny bit social again, I worked then decided to start up my own business, I started trying to work on myself. Which is sort of where therapy came in. My brother was worried about me and also I had decided to do some cosmetic surgery work done and I had a giant plan which in time I cut down and when I started with a few things I felt were truly important to me, it did help. Little things that weren't drastic but helped me feel less self conscious and better about myself.

 

As for dating. I just never cared. If we broke up down the way, I don't think I'd care about the need for someone else. It didn't bother me and the idea poses no attraction to me. Not sure why.

[TigerCub]

Your explanation makes me really sad.

That poor girl didn't ask to be born to a drug addict and an as$hole father - but here she is.

 

You say that if you knew that the baby was his, you would have been out the door - well, you know now. So the fact that he's a deadbeat dad is actually a pro for you?

 

All I was thinking when reading that post is that this girl needs a lot of compassion, and in the sake of compassion, I will not voice any more opinions on your man or your situation.

 

I'm glad that you did work to make yourself feel better. Personally I think you probably still have a ways to go (not meant as an insult).

 

It seems like you have a lot of blind faith in this man and you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and overlook all his flaws - if that's the case, then I'm sure you'll do fine waiting a little while until the divorce is over.

 

Also, you seem to want no one but him, you're with him now - keep that in mind when you're feeling down, maybe it will help make you feel better.

[Balzac]

You do realize that a divorce can be granted, freeing him to marry, property settlement and appeals to occur after the grant of divorce!

[BrandiBroken]

Your explanation makes me really sad.

That poor girl didn't ask to be born to a drug addict and an as$hole father - but here she is.

 

You say that if you knew that the baby was his, you would have been out the door - well, you know now. So the fact that he's a deadbeat dad is actually a pro for you?

 

All I was thinking when reading that post is that this girl needs a lot of compassion, and in the sake of compassion, I will not voice any more opinions on your man or your situation.

 

I'm glad that you did work to make yourself feel better. Personally I think you probably still have a ways to go (not meant as an insult).

 

It seems like you have a lot of blind faith in this man and you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and overlook all his flaws - if that's the case, then I'm sure you'll do fine waiting a little while until the divorce is over.

 

Also, you seem to want no one but him, you're with him now - keep that in mind when you're feeling down, maybe it will help make you feel better.

 

I agree, none of this is her fault yet she'll be the one to suffer for it.

 

Yes, I would have never got involved again had it been clear at the time. Instead every single person was swearing it couldn't be his, seemed it couldn't be, she wasn't anywhere in our lives the whole time we were together.... Then suddenly that pops in. I thought about leaving. I still often do. I know if she was suddenly in our lives more in being seen, he wanted custody, something like that 99% sure I'd take off. But I think the difference of the before and after is everything that happened.

 

Before, was living with the hurt over what happened. Had long since given up on me and him. We'd been a long distance relationship just about the entire time and the past was the past.

 

Then when the results came in, it was over a year and a half later. A lot had happened. We'd seen each other as often as we could, I was flying out for weeks at a time every month or two, I'd practically joined the family, met his friends who I hadn't known before or hadn't seen before. A lot of bad happened but at the same time a lot of wonderful happened as well. So it didn't seem as simple anymore.

 

Before we hadn't been together in years. Now we had been for years again. It was just a mess.

 

Is a mess.

 

But I try to get through it and yes we've argued about it along with other nonsense big or small along the way but given ime I figured if iI knew how things worked, knew where things stood, could adjust... then maybe we could just figure it out from there.

 

Just seems never ending.

 

I'm sure I'll get through it one way or another though.

[BrandiBroken]

You do realize that a divorce can be granted, freeing him to marry, property settlement and appeals to occur after the grant of divorce!

 

I am aware you can appeal/contest a divorce after it has been finalized. (I believe that's what was getting at?) No one is really worried about that or what might happened afterward. More of a it's taking forever to happen.

 

She keeps delaying it with changing lawyers, requesting additional time, was trying to change it to she was contesting the divorce at one time... His lawyer is 5 hours away, that's where everything is happening, and is not doing the best of job in the world obviously... The DNA results were pending and took much longer than anyone expected and that was a hold on things for awhile.

 

Now there's this intervene motions from the mother's parents for third party custody and from my very limited understanding about this sort of thing, it's just going to be another headache and prolong things. He has no issue with whoever wants to have her, but not sure about the mother. And if she throws a fit... then I guess that's more of a mess. And from again what limited info I have been told, with that in place, it cannot be settled until it is taken care of given what that motion is and so forth.

 

Which also makes me question if she's not using it as a plot to delay things as she's gone back and forth wanting him back but mostly she just does not want him with ME. She never said anything about them getting back together until he found out about me. She'd told him several times in their marriage he ever went back to me she'd make our lives a living h***. So wouldn't surprise me if she played a part in it.

 

It could end before the set date. I know that. It's just a big risk to put anything more into it and what if it doesn't. In our state, you could get married the same day you get divorced, yet it's not really as simple as that in such a case and if you want to do the whole big thing. Everyone who would be coming on his side is right there, nobody more than like an hour away and most like 10 minutes away. Everyone I would have is like 4-6 hours away for in the same state then others are 600+ miles away. So it takes a bit of planning and knowing what we're doing and not just hoping for the best.

 

We live in a no fault state. The two of them have basically worked out child support issues. Nobody is asking for alimony and if anybody did he'd be granted it not her more than likely. He took what he felt he needed when they split, told her she could keep the rest. He had some of her stuff at his parents in storage which he's more than happy to bring to her. They had a few cars, three of them are either not working, not theirs anymore or were totalled. In the end they were using one of his family's vehicles which was just borrowing and still is to this day. He took his animals, left her with hers. Left the kid with her. They spent the marriage either living in a relative's house not currently occupied, renting from a public place, or renting from her relative's. There's nothing really anyone is fighting over as far as I know in that sense. Could be just stalled, with the kid, or some financial thing I suppose that's also being a hang up. Nothing like that has been pointed out to me but I don't stick my nose in it either.

[Quiet Storm]

You need to move on. This man is not good for you.

 

He was with you for 5 years, and four months after you broke up he married someone else? That alone would tell me that he did not value the relationship he had with you.

 

He knows you are always going to be there and will accept anything. He has no motivation to change.

 

He is pulling you into all of his drama, but you are allowing it. By allowing it and staying, it shows him that you accept it. You can nag and moan and argue with him about how unhappy you are, but that will go in one ear and out the other. This is because he looks at your actions (staying), not your words (I'm sick & tired of it). If you look at his actions instead of his words (still married), that may be helpful to you.

 

What is so great about him? What qualities does he have that make him such a prize that you are willing to tolerate this? If it is about the "connection" or "the way he makes me feel", please realize that these are just emotions & chemicals at play. You can feel attracted to people who are not good for you. Feeling attraction does not mean you should be with him. Also, don't base your feelings on the way he was in the beginning. Look at him now.

 

Move out. Tell him to call you when he's single. But don't wait for him. Get some counseling. Do things that you enjoy and that make you happy. Surround youself with positive people. Date other men. You deserve so much better than this.

[Balzac]

An appeal is not what I referenced. I have no idea of the time line on birth date versus divorce filing date. Customary is a child born into a marriage has assumption of parenthood by father.

 

How did he sign away his parental rights if paternity was at issue? Some of what you report here is confusing.

Edited May 29, 2012 by Balzac

[BrandiBroken]

An appeal is not what I referenced. I have no idea of the time line on birth date versus divorce filing date. Customary is a child born into a marriage has assumption of parenthood by father.

 

How did he sign away his parental rights if paternity was at issue? Some of what you report here is confusing.

 

Oh, sorry for that, thought you were referring to something else.

 

The child wasn't a year old by the time the divorce was put in play. No one believed it to be his, least of all him, so it wasn't really brought to the forefront of anything at first.

 

He hasn't officially signed them away yet, he's just been trying to and is prepared to. He was willing to even throw in proof to make sure it would happen, that the court would deem him unfit in order for it to be public record.

[soserious1]

Oh, sorry for that, thought you were referring to something else.

 

The child wasn't a year old by the time the divorce was put in play. No one believed it to be his, least of all him, so it wasn't really brought to the forefront of anything at first.

 

He hasn't officially signed them away yet, he's just been trying to and is prepared to. He was willing to even throw in proof to make sure it would happen, that the court would deem him unfit in order for it to be public record.

 

First off, there's no such thing as "signing away parental rights" unless the child is formally adopted he will ALWAYS be on the hook for child support & whomever has that child can request support reviews periodically. The court however cannot force him to visit or share physical custody. He doesn't need to get himself judged as unfit,all he needs to do is let the person who takes custody know that he will not be coming to visit,nobody can force him to be a father.

 

Having said all that, keep this in mind, he's doing this to his own innocent child, what makes you think he can't or won't do the same thing to yours if you should have kids with him & he meets somebody new?

 

I get that his marriage was a painful nightmare & I understand that he truly believed the child isn't his.. But she is his & honestly if he doesn't settle down in a bit, get over his anger & start thinking about trying to be a father to this child, to think of her interests instead of his own, I would walk away from this guy if I were you.

 

Just remember, he can walk away from his innocent baby to be with you, he'll have no problems walking away from your innocent babies in the future if it suits his needs. Don't you deserve better than that?

[BrandiBroken]

First off, there's no such thing as "signing away parental rights" unless the child is formally adopted he will ALWAYS be on the hook for child support & whomever has that child can request support reviews periodically. The court however cannot force him to visit or share physical custody. He doesn't need to get himself judged as unfit,all he needs to do is let the person who takes custody know that he will not be coming to visit,nobody can force him to be a father.

 

Having said all that, keep this in mind, he's doing this to his own innocent child, what makes you think he can't or won't do the same thing to yours if you should have kids with him & he meets somebody new?

 

I get that his marriage was a painful nightmare & I understand that he truly believed the child isn't his.. But she is his & honestly if he doesn't settle down in a bit, get over his anger & start thinking about trying to be a father to this child, to think of her interests instead of his own, I would walk away from this guy if I were you.

 

Just remember, he can walk away from his innocent baby to be with you, he'll have no problems walking away from your innocent babies in the future if it suits his needs. Don't you deserve better than that?

 

Everyone knows he will not be just let off the hook he will still have a daughter, he will still owe child support. No one is naive enough to think you can just sign a piece of paper and she'd be poof. If that were true, guys (and girls) would be lined up around courthouses all the time! He still wants to sign his rights away/get them revoked. Both parents are being put under observation to legally lose rights to them as it is now with the grandparents stepping in.

 

Nobody can force him, he knows, but yet he doesn't want anything to do with her and is doing everything possible to cut ties, act like she doesn't exist. So I guess it's just his way of making himself feel better/more like that.

 

He's trying to work out the agreement for child support. He's paying through his social security, which doesn't effect him so he isn't bothered except over her trying to ask for too much he feels anyway and she's trying to figure out how to get part of his VA checks (his only income) and such. But he's trying to work it out and in the end wouldn't truly care if it just sped things along.

 

I have worried about how can he be this way and how might he be with me if we should ever have kids. Like stated above, his response when bringing it up was it was different because it was us, it was me and this he wanted, children with me is what he wanted. Yet it doesn't shake the worry, I will admit.

 

He -was- quite happy, bouncing off the walls, excited as could be when I had told him I thought I was. Which was super early and I lost it super early as well - had in no way been planned - which made me feel a little more at ease I suppose but it's still there. I think it would have to be something I would have to discuss more in depth, think about, so on to really grasp where I am on things.

 

I've seen it happen before.... the whole person despises one child or several yet in another situation are "World's greatest dad." Hate your ex, everything with it, then go off and start anew. Is just a bit different when it becomes part of your life and the bubble you live in not just someone else's life who you might happen to play a role in.

 

And I will admit, though wrong as it may be, there's a bit of selfishness in it to where maybe part of me is glad he doesn't want anything to do with her. But not what I was ever aiming for and I don't like seeing this side of him truly. I do feel sorry for the girl.

 

He never walked away from the child to be with me. It was never said it was a choice between the two. He was leaving her before I came back into the picture, I just sort of put a jump start on it it seems. He wanted nothing to do with her since finding out she existed, hoped she'd get aborted, to this day wishes that would have happened and "saved all the trouble" and she and everyone else would be "better off." And that just grew it seems.

 

Because it's me, would be with me, would be ours... in no way erases from my mind the worry of what if's. it's not a bandaid over it. But not really sure how I feel on the subject I suppose.

[BrandiBroken]

Also, I guess you can count this as a reason it doesn't bother me so much. =\

 

If I HAD actually went into another relationship or something had happened and I found myself pregnant, I wouldn't have kept the child, wouldn't have carried out the pregnancy. Because it wasn't with who I wanted it to be.

 

Not like he had the option for that, could only hope that would be the case, and then it wasn't. So on that tiny bit of surface area maybe I can get it in a weird way?

 

But then there IS inf act the child and I do just feel so bad for her. But I don't push him to try and be in it's life if he doesn't want to. Have discussed it at length, gone preachy about "She is YOUR child" and all but at the end of the day... I don't suppose he'd be any better off or she better off if he just felt pressured into doing something he didn't want

[soserious1]

Everyone knows he will not be just let off the hook he will still have a daughter, he will still owe child support. No one is naive enough to think you can just sign a piece of paper and she'd be poof. If that were true, guys (and girls) would be lined up around courthouses all the time! He still wants to sign his rights away/get them revoked. Both parents are being put under observation to legally lose rights to them as it is now with the grandparents stepping in.

 

Nobody can force him, he knows, but yet he doesn't want anything to do with her and is doing everything possible to cut ties, act like she doesn't exist. So I guess it's just his way of making himself feel better/more like that.

 

He's trying to work out the agreement for child support. He's paying through his social security, which doesn't effect him so he isn't bothered except over her trying to ask for too much he feels anyway and she's trying to figure out how to get part of his VA checks (his only income) and such. But he's trying to work it out and in the end wouldn't truly care if it just sped things along.

 

I have worried about how can he be this way and how might he be with me if we should ever have kids. Like stated above, his response when bringing it up was it was different because it was us, it was me and this he wanted, children with me is what he wanted. Yet it doesn't shake the worry, I will admit.

 

He -was- quite happy, bouncing off the walls, excited as could be when I had told him I thought I was. Which was super early and I lost it super early as well - had in no way been planned - which made me feel a little more at ease I suppose but it's still there. I think it would have to be something I would have to discuss more in depth, think about, so on to really grasp where I am on things.

 

I've seen it happen before.... the whole person despises one child or several yet in another situation are "World's greatest dad." Hate your ex, everything with it, then go off and start anew. Is just a bit different when it becomes part of your life and the bubble you live in not just someone else's life who you might happen to play a role in.

 

And I will admit, though wrong as it may be, there's a bit of selfishness in it to where maybe part of me is glad he doesn't want anything to do with her. But not what I was ever aiming for and I don't like seeing this side of him truly. I do feel sorry for the girl.

 

He never walked away from the child to be with me. It was never said it was a choice between the two. He was leaving her before I came back into the picture, I just sort of put a jump start on it it seems. He wanted nothing to do with her since finding out she existed, hoped she'd get aborted, to this day wishes that would have happened and "saved all the trouble" and she and everyone else would be "better off." And that just grew it seems.

 

Because it's me, would be with me, would be ours... in no way erases from my mind the worry of what if's. it's not a bandaid over it. But not really sure how I feel on the subject I suppose.

 

 

It's clear to me that your beloved is on disability for good reason, he is clearly mentally disabled. That you can sit here, type out the info you've given above & still be pining away, lovesick over this man suggests to me that worrying about a wedding is the last thing you should be doing.

 

My advice to you? Seek professional counseling, print up the posts you've, made here, share them with the therapist and go from there

[BrandiBroken]

It's clear to me that your beloved is on disability for good reason, he is clearly mentally disabled. That you can sit here, type out the info you've given above & still be pining away, lovesick over this man suggests to me that worrying about a wedding is the last thing you should be doing.

 

My advice to you? Seek professional counseling, print up the posts you've, made here, share them with the therapist and go from there

 

His mental status has nothing to do with it. He was injured in the Army and was medically discharged, he later got into a severe car accident which did not help matters. He has been to therapy and still has appointments, works through his depression and PTSD.

 

I have talked about him in he past to a therapist myself, though for a short time and was a while ago. I think is a little drastic to go straight to thinking there is something that wrong with someone but maybe I'm just naive on all of this.

 

What happened bothers me, quite a bit. But then again many people do young and dumb things that bother me. This just took the cake. The fact he doesn't care about his child suggests nothing to me other than the surface sadness over it. I wouldn't care about a child I didn't want, can't force someone else to really.

 

But I do appreciate the comments and your opinions and help. =)

[veggirl]

Wow.

 

What is it that you see in this loser?

 

I literally teared up reading how he feels about his own child. You think it's "drastic" to think there is something wrong with this ahole? Really? Wow. Your standards leave something to be desired, to say the least. Why do you think this grade A jerk is the best you can get?

 

How you could have ANY interest in a "man" like that is beyond me. I think it says something about you, unfortunately. I agree with the others--you desperately need therapy.

 

He is despicable. How can you even look at someone who says they hate their own daughter without wanting to puke?

 

Seriously, you have basically given up your entire life for this jerk who has done nothing to deserve it. How nice to be him.

 

Really sad.

 

I guess I don't understand your question. You want to know what to do about his dragged out divorce? Well, you should LEAVE HIM. But obviously you won't. So why are you asking?

[daphne]

Your story made me incredibly sad. I don't understand how you can not believe that you can be happier with someone else. That somehow, this is as good as it gets.