Girlfriend Conflict.. What do I do now?

[clemson1]

Hi,

 

I met this girl, and we started our relationship long distance as we both go to different colleges. We would go a week or two without seeing each other, but would spend 3-6 days together at a time and everything went very well. When we were apart, we would talk on the phone, and we missed each other. When we were together, we enjoyed our time. Like any normal couple, we had a few arguments here and there but nothing serious. I feel that I should clarify that I am her first real boyfriend, so this is all new to her as well. We are both 20 years old.

 

Recently, in the last month, we both went back home for the summer. Since then, we have spent the night together fairly often; sometimes 4-5 nights a week. A month ago, I told her that I loved her, and she responded that she was falling in love with me. This was after 5 months of dating. I understood this, and told her there was no rush, since I knew that relationships still scared her and I knew to give her time. I continued to occasionally tell her that I loved her, and a few weeks later, she responded and said that she loved me too. Neither one of us sees this as casual, and we both agree that there is no point in dating if we cannot see a future together.

 

Things were going great between us, and then we started to argue more often. It wasn't anything big, just small things that got blown up out of proportion. For a week straight, it seemed like every time that we saw each other, we would get in an argument. I feel like this is a normal part of a relationship, sort of a time when boundaries are getting set and you are truly getting to notice the flaws in the relationship, and see that they need fixing. However.. she believes that when in love, a couple shouldn't argue, especially about such minor things. Rightly so... yet I still felt that it was normal and it would work itself out.

 

Unfortunately, I also have a problem with anxiety, and I tend to smother when stressed. I am aware of this, but still cannot check myself all of the time. So we actually saw each other more, and I attempted to talk to her more during this time. I know this made the situation worse, though she didn't say so. I pressured her into seeing me, hoping that a good night together could reverse the effect that our arguments had caused. However, this eventually led to more fights as I felt she wasn't prioritizing the situation. We eventually talked openly about this, after a stressful night, and we both agreed that we did not want to argue. She told me she was very happy with me, except when we were fighting. That night, she ended up confessing that she wasn't sure if she was fully in love with me. She said she felt bad not saying it back when I told her I loved her and that she was for sure falling for me, and she thought she had fallen all of the way, until this fighting. Naturally this bothered me, and she could tell I was hurt. She said she felt like we were moving a bit fast. I know she truly cares for me, without a doubt, and I suspect that she loves me by how she acts. It seemed like she was distancing herself by saying this, and I knew what that meant.

 

I found out from her friend that we was going to give things a little longer with me, but if I didn’t learn to deal with the anxiety better, she was going to break it off. She also said that she felt awful about this.. and she didn't know if that was the only thing keeping her from ending it or not. This is after 5 days in a row of nothing but stressful arguing. She doesn't know that I know this. After I found this out, we had an even more open conversation where we discussed our problems in detail, and I began to realize I was picking fights over small things that just didn't matter. I saw that even though I loved her, I wanted to change her to suit me. I know if you love someone, you can want to change for them, but I see now that I can't request it of her and pressure her for such minor things. This had apparently been hurting her and making her feel like she always lets me down. I saw this was wrong, and I told her I understood this now. I also asked her later that night if she considered breaking up over this, and she told me that she didn't want to. But she said that if this didn't change, she didn’t want both of us to be unhappy. She has said sometimes that she feels that she makes me miserable often, and that is not the case. This is honestly the best relationship I have had, and I know you don't find something like this all that often. Our biggest issues are small arguments that get out hand, mostly about boundaries. She is very independent, and used to doing what she wants. I am not one to like plans to change, and that starts a lot of our arguments. It seems silly to me now that we fought so much for so little, when we share so much.

 

On a slight tangent.. I have some family issues dealing with my mother. She has problems with most people in my family, and this causes stress. I also talked to her about that during that conversation. She told me during this, not to worry about me and her. I have no issues with my father, brothers, or any of my other family members. She told me then that she doesn't date unless she sees it going somewhere, and that my family problems scare her. She doesn't want to marry into a family that is unstable, and she doesn't want to have a family like that herself. Now.. we aren't considering marriage by any means. We both just know that is the ultimate goal, so we are keeping in mind what we want in another person. I say this so that anyone reading knows that I am not immature, or attempting to rush anything. We only discuss these things, because like I said previously, we know what the end goal is.

 

Now, after that conversation, we had a good conversation for the rest of the night. Before we had this talk, we made plans for me to come by late after work the next night to get my wallet. She asked me not to stay the night, saying that she thought it would be good for us. When I saw her, we spent some time with her friends, and then went back to her house. We watched a movie together, and cuddled. We had sex, and overall just had a good night together. I told her I was very sorry, and I felt like most of this was my fault for picking fights. She said we weren’t placing blame. I told her that even though I said we would stop fighting before, I would show her now that we won't. She told me that we were OK, and she was affectionate. I was wearing jeans, and she asked me if I wanted shorts to sleep in. I was surprised, and asked if she wanted me to go home. She told me to spend the night. That night, I told her that I loved her again, and she didn't say it back, but it lit up her face when she heard it. She told me she was glad we talked the night before, and I know she could tell how happy I was with the night. I told her I had a good night the next morning, and she said that she did too.

 

To anyone that bore with me through all of this, what do you think? Do you think that we have serious problems? Or that ending the small fights will be a solution? What do you think it means that she basically took back the 'I love you'? Though she stressed she was falling in love with me, and was in tears. It bothers me that she was considering breaking up over this, as I would have pushed through it, but I think she saw it as a sign that we were incompatible.

 

I feel that we should spend less time together, in order to miss each other more. Do you think that this is a good idea? This is hard sometimes, when we live so close and enjoy our time together when we aren't fighting, but I want this to work.

 

My problem right now is deciding where we stand. I know the problem isn’t gone, as it has only been a few days since she was considering breaking up over this. Yet, that was after 5 days of straight fighting, with no good conversations. Since then, it seems like we worked a lot of things out. But should I back off now? Or should I pretend nothing happened, and be careful not to pick fights over things that just don’t matter. I have decided to back off of the whole ‘I love you’ thing already and just take thing down a notch.

 

The last thing I want to do is ask her and come off as insecure, or worried. I also don’t want to continue professing my love for her and making her feel pressured, or make her see me as not a challenge but it is hard for me to not tell her. I think that I have become too available to her, as we text when she wants (since she doesn’t like it typically), and typically the ball is always in her court as far as hanging out goes since I always invite her to come along with my friends as they all like her. She mentioned wanting to go tubing on the boat, and I had plans to go with a friend Thursday (who wants to meet her). Should I tell my girlfriend that she can come with us another time?

 

Thanks for helping, it is greatly appreciated. I admire people who would read through all of this, just to help out a stranger.

Edited May 29, 2012 by clemson1

[Balzac]

I'm not clear about your basic question. What I will say is that as students, age 20, you seem too focused on the goal of a long term relationship outcome. At your age, stage in life, focus on the fun, sex, getting to know each other. Thinking about whether you've found a life partner seems to me rushing things.

 

Less time together is really more about what would you do with the open time?

Self interests and friends? Do you each have a summer employment?

 

I'd just recommend you lighten up.

[thatone]

i agree. OP, you'll find as you get older that pressing women for responses verbally will get you nothing but grief. you need to lay off of the marriage/life bit. the more you press it the further she will withdraw. as for you tellling her that you love her and her not saying it back, that's a minefield. she could take advantage of that or not, run away from it or not, there are lots of possible outcomes but if i were in your shoes i would stop saying it and explain why, not expecting or ALLOWING a response. all caps for emphasis.

 

you need to slow down and relax before you scare this girl off.

[clemson1]

My question is this.. where do you think we stand at the moment? Should I go back to how we were before? Or give her some more space, and do my own thing more often. What do you think about the situation?

 

Perhaps you are right. Maybe we are both swayed because our parents found each other in College, and her Sister also married out of college.

 

I've just stopped dating for the casualness of it. I don't want to be exclusive with someone unless I see it going somewhere, but I am definitely not rushing it going anywhere! I don't plan on anything that serious until I graduate. But you have a fair point.

 

I have plenty of friends. I spending a lot of time wakeboarding, playing guitar, doing p90x, and playing basketball.

 

I also work 40 hour weeks at an engineering job, so that isn't too much of an issue.

 

A lot of nights we see each other, I don't get there until she gets off work around 11 PM, so sleep is an option as well

 

The last thing I want is to become dependent on her, if you know what I mean.

[Balzac]

Carnal comment. At your age, most guys would feel pretty damned lucky to be having great sex, spending the night 4-5X per week, take it and run it for the summer!

[clemson1]

thatone:

 

Trust me.. I never bring up marriage. She is actually the one who mentioned that she doesn't date unless she sees a future.

 

As far as the love bit, I am confused by that as well. She told me she loves me, and even after rethinking it she stresses she is falling in love with me. Her face still lights up when I tell her, and she made it clear the other night that she likes hearing it.

 

I agree about the whole space thing. I have some familiarity with scaring girls off via being clingy from my first relationship and I learned my lesson. She isn't acting scared off at all, the message I got from her was that the small fights were bothering her a lot and she thought it was a sign that we were incompatible down the road. She felt like she made me miserable since I always picked a fight.

 

If anything, I'd like her to stop thinking about a future like that. Take into account that she also examined my family to see if I am going family material. I think I gave the wrong message in my original post.

 

I think I am just going to lighten up

[thatone]

that's your best course of action. she was paying you a compliment by telling you she could see a future with you, and i think you pressed it too far.

 

relax, take it easy for the next few weeks, primary goal being to avoid the fights, and see how it goes.

[Balzac]

It takes two for bickering and argument to occur. Keep that thought in mind.

As an added note, I hope you've got the contraceptive issue covered to minimize risk of an unplanned pregnancy. That's the last thing either of you need to deal with.

 

Have fun!

[clemson1]

Thanks for bring some lightness to the situation, it is definitely appreciated

 

I know it takes two, but it is typically always me that instigates it over such pointless things, and I don't let it drop. I just had the realization recently, and it is a character flaw I want to get rid of.

 

What do you mean by pressing it too far? We haven't discussed marriage.. or a future or anything like that. Neither one of us wants it anytime soon.. at all. I only mentioned that so the reader would be aware that she is serious about the relationship and isn't looking for something casual. The fact that she is looking at my family to see how I would be in a family kinda surprised me though.

[thatone]

she's tired of fighting with you and looking for something to convince herself with about why she would rather just leave than fight with you.

 

so don't give it to her.