dio974058 Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 2 years ago I met this amazing woman, and in a short time I fell madly in love with her. I was 23 she was 19. However she had a turbulent few months preceding our meeting. She had herself fallen in love with a guy who had gotten her pregnant and refused to do anything to help her. She could not bear to tell her parents so she rounded up her savings and departed for England, on her own. 6 weeks after returning from England we met. Initially it was amazing, she lived about 2 hours away from me and at every conceivable moment I was up to visit. She broke the news to me one night over the phone about the abortion and her ex boyfriend and how he contacted her on a semi-regular basis telling her how much he cared for her and so on. From this period on she slipped further and further into depression all the time battling with her feelings for this other guy, the abortion, her families? expectations and my presence in her life. She broke it off with me over the summer, but we remained very close. At the end of the summer her ex asked her to get back with him. But the following day he denied ever having said this blaming it on drink. Shortly afterwards she asked to get back wit me. We were living together for 9 months, in this period there was a lot of focus from home on our relationship, her parents seemed enamoured by me and were always asking about me. It became so bad that they would not let my girlfriend out without being accompanied by me. This stemmed from there disapproval of her ex boyfriend who was still contacting her but only after he was drinking and late at night. This all came to head when she was getting ready for her final year exams. She visited a doctor. The doctor recommended her to take control of her life. To follow her heart and that she was too young to be in a relationship (this was a fear she had had from early on in our relationship), that she has to sit down and talk to her parents and basically enjoy life. Very sound advice. But also, he prescribed antidepressants. The night before an exam she broke it off with me and felt under so much pressure that she could not do the exam the following day. She still has an exam left to do. She rang me on the phone and said she felt lonely and that she craves love, and asked to get back together in a joking sort of way. I have told her I am going away for the summer. She has few close friends and I worry for her, she fears she will use sex as a tool to feel loved. I question whether she loves, or ever loved me. This is a very difficult situation to be in, which direction will best help her and should my role be that of a person that leaves her in this vulnerable period of her life. Her ex boyfriend now resides in London and she decided to go and visit, she asked me to come along for support on the journey over as I was leaving for spain in a few days. On arriving her ex boyfriend was too drunk to pick her up, so he sent a friend. This has me totally devastated at the way she is being treated plus the way she is accepting this idiocy. I have been foolish even though we have broken up i have slept with her on numerous occasions, I am still madly in love with her and it tears me apart. What do I do, but more importantly what can she do?
Caveman Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 This chick seems determined and destined to be miserable...stay the hell away from her.
meanon Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 I worry for her, she fears she will use sex as a tool to feel loved. I question whether she loves, or ever loved me. This is a very difficult situation to be in, which direction will best help her and should my role be that of a person that leaves her in this vulnerable period of her life. I think you know that while she is unable to cope on her own in life the love she craves will make her vulnerable and her relationships will be characterised by her inadequacies. That doesn't mean she doesn't love others, merely that she has not the wherewith all to sustain a healthy relationship. Try and put the thoughts of whether she loved you or not out of your mind. There's no point thinking that way, it will change nothing and may be one of the reasons why it "tears you apart". You are not responsible for her, make your choices and stick to them knowing they are the best balance you can find between your desire to help her and the need to protect yourself. She needs counselling and if you can persuade her to get it that would be of tremendous benefit to her. If you are too close to be the friend she needs, if you keep sleeping with her, it would be best for you to stay away from her. Contact her regularly, let her know you will always be there for her if you possibly can but let her get on with her life. I think this would be best for both of you. If you do remain close friends you can encourage her to question how she feels when she behaves in ways which are self destructive, why she feels that way and to challenge the assumptions about herself that are driving her behaviour. If this is too direct for her or she feels you are being critical then ask her about the future, what she wants out of life, how she plans to achieve it. This will help her think about whether she is going about it the right way. Good luck
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