ddlovexx Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 (edited) Hey there, gonna try to keep this as short and sweet as possible. I've been talking to this guy for about a month and a half now. I'm 21 and he's 30, but I live on my own and work two jobs, go to school full-time, etc., so I generally go for someone a little older who's more on my level mentally and lifestyle wise. At first we talked pretty much every day, he's really sweet, but that's become farther and fewer in between. We've hung out a handful of times over the past month and have really good chemistry and I find myself really liking him. I've seen a lot of guys over the past few months but I haven't felt like I do when I'm with him. So now we don't talk as much... maybe 1-2x a week. He works full-time (as do I) and since it's summer he's been busy with fun stuff, but in the back of my mind I feel as though it wouldn't kill him to text/talk to me more if he wanted to. I'm generally a straight forward person so a week ago I sent him a text saying "Hey, I just need to ask ya something. Are you actually interested in this? It's okay if not, the signs were kinda just pointing toward that." and he replied "Yes, I am interested, I've just got a lot going on right now. I'm sorry." and so I felt a little better because he could've just said no. I spoke to him a week ago and asked him if he was gonna have any free weekends soon and he replied "Yeah next weekend, I definitely wanna hang. Probably Saturday." and I felt a lot better hearing that... but he also hasn't spoken to me in 4 days. We're all adults here, so to be clear, 2 of the times I've gone back to his place and the other 2 times we've just hung out at bars and had a nice night, and then went our separate ways, so I don't think it's a matter of sex or not... it doesn't seem like he's using me. I guess I'd just like other people's input on the situation. I really like him and it seems as though he feels the same, maybe I should stay where I am and kinda just let it happen? Kinda sucks because I'm constantly wishing he would just talk to me, I'm always the one to start the convo so I don't want to anymore. Maybe I'm overthinking it, I don't know, we're both older, him moreso so I guess it's not going to be that 'young love' kinda thing. I always have a really nice time with him and he's a sweetheart. He doesn't seem like the kinda guy to give me the run-around. Honestly right now I miss him and can't stop thinking about him. Input? Also, he was at a music festival all weekend and I have the urge to text him and see how his weekend went, but I'm always the convo starter 90% of the time and I feel like I should wait for him now. My mindset is usually "it's just a text, not a big deal" but I also feel like if he wanted to talk to me, he would. :/ Thanks! xx Edited May 29, 2012 by ddlovexx
xpaperxcutx Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Well first of all he is giving u the runaround. If he was really interested he would be chasing after you and giving you attention. Instead you are the one stuck in limbo wonderong what his intentions are. Sweetheart, a man's age does not dictate his maturity level. Second sex is part of the equation whether want it or not. A man is always follows his secual instincts first than logic. Attraction begins with sex, only his actions afterwards dictate if he wants a relationship. So he's busy doing fun stuff but doesn't have time for you. Don't listen to whst he says buy pay attention to what he does. Apparently he's not doing much in terms of furthering things with you. Rule of thumb- a man who tries to explain himself yet afds a but to the sentence automatically gets on the " next " train. 3
tina783 Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 My advice is, do not initiate anymore texting. I know it will be very hard to do, but you must be patient. See if he comes around and wonders what you are up to. If he eventually reaches out to you, then take it from there. If not, then you'll know your answer. 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Look, first of all...I don't care how old and mature you think you are for a 21 year old woman...ahead of your time, ahead of your peers, etc etc, I can assure you that in terms of experience you are light years away from a man who is 30 unless he's lived in a dungeon somewhere dating no one and having zero relationships...basically this guy would have to probably be a guy you would want nothing to do with. The biggest trick young women play on themselves is thinking that they're "mature" enough to date older men and have more in common, trust me there is nothing you two have in common If you look beyond the surface. The reason being is he's in a much different place in his life mentally, emotionally...and has likely a substantial advantage over you in relationship experience, and I can assure you he is well aware of this...It makes you look almost foolish for thinking you're on his level, and that's another glaring sign of your naivety into even thinking you are mature enough...that means you let things slide when you shouldn't, that means you don't have a trained eye to see through the BS or games of how people play in the dating world...just because you are responsible does not make you mature by any means, in fact what you perceive as your strength is your greatest weakness. Now with that being said...not that you likely believe me...hell nobody would until they're 30 and look back on themselves and 21 and see the billion things they've learned and the new perspective they now have, only then can they realize how much they overestimated their maturity and wisdom. But let's get down to the actual issue, regardless of age. When a guy doesn't keep in contact with you...or you have to initiate the communication...or things start off "steamy", flirtatious or like wonderful chemistry (as If there isn't a real person behind this perfect or unrealistic image that you have in your head right now of this person) the answer is simply that you're an option, don't be foolish enough to feel that you can realize the potential in this. In fact just realize what is happening right now, that's what wisdom will teach you....now how a guy acts in the first 3 days, dates or weeks...but how consistent he is and whether his actions really match with the sincerity of his charming words. Fact is, that If this guy was so crazy about you...or didn't have any other easy pickings on the line, he wouldn't be avoiding talking to you as much as he could...maybe he'd play it cool not to appear overly interested but you definitely wouldn't be initiating conversation 90 percent of the time. Don't sell yourself short thinking that this guy needs to be egged on or nudged in the right direction like he's some walnut that needs to be cracked before the ball gets rolling here...that's just ridiculous. Also there are two women that I've seen get easily burned in the dating game....those who "trust" too easily, and those are far too willing to give the benefit of the doubt to a man when there are clearly indicated red flags all over the place...they turn a blind eye in the face of hope and I guess what you perceive as romance as unsettling that it is...I would think that women would expect much more out of men or at least modest reciprocation before really becoming in like with a man but the real world doesn't seem to work that way...it seems instead to be "the smallest shred of attention will be satisfactory, thank you very much!" and really, is that the kind of guy you want to be with? Is this how you'd always dreamed that man would come into your life? by chasing him down, and forcing him to take interest in you? You already know how this should be going, you already know what he should be doing had he been interested...but no, by all means lower your standards and requirements as low as possible for a man you've got the hots for....because that always works. So If you truly wish to be wise, and mature and "ahead of your peers" you should probably start by taking my advice and learn one of the most important lessons you can learn in your life...always respecting and valuing yourself first which means an expectation for how others treat you, especially when your feelings are on the line and learning when to walk away..for yes, yes you, not his responsibility or any other man you become in like with, hold the power and the responsibility of whether you play the fool or not, you don't HAVE to let your emotions control you, you do have a mind for a reason, use it to save yourself when your heart cannot and you'll be leagues ahead of not just your peers, but women of all ages...and you might just get what you're looking for before you're old and jaded. I know this is a lot for a simple post, but you're 21...you are not an adult in my book..you've got a lot to learn and do not know anything about love, give yourself to chance to figure it out before you bite off more than you chew...to a man who's much older and could chew you up and spit you out without blinking and possibly be the bane of your future romantic trust...because this is how it starts...with poor decisions and a severe lack of self-awareness, I know you came here for help, so there you go. 2
MadSworthy Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Some guys are really just wanting to take things slow, no matter how interested they are. I was once like your guy, OP. I have always had a tough time. In my 30's I have lost girls I was interested to, because I did not express my true feelings and rarely initiate. He maybe is interested, he just don't know how to express it.
TheFinalWord Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Look, first of all...I don't care how old and mature you think you are for a 21 year old woman...ahead of your time, ahead of your peers, etc etc, I can assure you that in terms of experience you are light years away from a man who is 30 unless he's lived in a dungeon somewhere dating no one and having zero relationships...basically this guy would have to probably be a guy you would want nothing to do with. The biggest trick young women play on themselves is thinking that they're "mature" enough to date older men and have more in common, trust me there is nothing you two have in common If you look beyond the surface. The reason being is he's in a much different place in his life mentally, emotionally...and has likely a substantial advantage over you in relationship experience, and I can assure you he is well aware of this...It makes you look almost foolish for thinking you're on his level, and that's another glaring sign of your naivety into even thinking you are mature enough...that means you let things slide when you shouldn't, that means you don't have a trained eye to see through the BS or games of how people play in the dating world...just because you are responsible does not make you mature by any means, in fact what you perceive as your strength is your greatest weakness. I agree. This is often the case on LS. I think there is a misunderstanding about what maturity is. Having a job and being responsible is mature behavior, but it is only one piece of the formula. Maturity is a combination of responsibility, wisdom (the ability to decide between right and wrong decisions), and also life experience. Wisdom you can acquire if you listen to your parents or a mentor if you have one. You can also learn it by pain and making foolish choices. Life experience you can only get, well, by experience. And at age 21, even if you are extremely wise and responsible, you still only have 21 years of existence on this earth. And only three of those years you have as an adult fully responsible for your decisions...now add 9 more years of what you've gone through in the past 3. Although the number of years may not seem significant when you think of the age difference, between 25 and 30 a lot of life experience is acquired. Also, by then we are pretty much set in our ways. In other words, your mentality, behaviors, and personality are still very malleable. For this guy, it's pretty much set in stone...unless he really puts effort into changing. It can happen, but someone has to really want it. For example, his shady communication patterns. Who knows, maybe he's into you maybe he's not. At best he's a lousy communicator in which case you can expect that to not change. Moreover, people have their best foot forward during the honeymoon stage. If you think his communication is bad now just wait until he gets comfy! But regardless, his communication patterns are what they are. You already don't like them, so why compromise? At 21 you have the world at your fingertips. Please don't tolerate second class behavior PS: You'll notice some of us come on strong here. If this were real life, I would say this in a much "nicer" tone, but I would still be straight forward. Hope this helps and I'm not offending you!
Author ddlovexx Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 I understand completely and I need the tough love answers. I understand there is a huge difference and I understand that 21 definitely isn't as much life experience, but I've been in good relationships twice with older men and they didn't work out due to distance and personal life changes. I just meant that I get along better with them than someone my age and we tend to have a better time. But thank you for your input. You're right, I just hate it. I wish someone would be real and stick around for once.
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