jackson74280 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Brief history.....dated a girl I had previously known for years. Went really well for a month then her ex come back into the picture. I found out and basically told her I couldn't continue if she still had feelings for her ex. I went NC. She has initiated contact several time over the last 4 months. Each time I stay consistent with my message that I like her and would like to start dating again, but only if the ex is out of the picture. She has now contacted me again, saying the she ended things with the ex a little over a month ago and she is no longer seeing him. She is saying all the right things (understands if I'm concerned). However, she is still all over the ex's facebook page. Nothing romantic...just liking his posts. Should I be concerned. I do really like this girl, but don't want to get hurt again.
Philosoraptor Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Sounds like you are the safe place to land. I would wait awhile before getting involved with her and make sure her intentions are good rather than of desperation.
Tiera D Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 make sure she blocks the ex,make sure he dissappears 1st TD
Author jackson74280 Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 Thanks so far. Is my concern with the amount of interaction she has with her ex on facebook/twitter/etc valid? Worried that I'm just being a jealous a$$ and should chill about the whole thing. Another thing, when she first initiated contact she was very responsive to me and saying all the right things. Now just a few weeks later she is much more distant. Have asked her to do things several times but she is "busy". Granted she has a kid and that takes up a lot of time. BUT, if her intentions in reestablishing contact where legit you would think she would go out of her way to find time to spend with me. Thanks in advance for your advise.
Philosoraptor Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 She sounds really confused right now and is doing the back and forth. Which is why she started off strong with the contact yet slowly backed off. What do you want out of this?
Author jackson74280 Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 My preference would be to have a relationship with this girl. Just don't want to get burned again. Concerned that her initiating contact with me was simply to fill and empty hole that she was filling after her break with the ex. Her and her ex have a very long history of many many break up/get back together.
greenz Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Sounds to me like she's totally not over her ex. I would say make your intentions clear to her, but it sounds like you already did. If the ex is really out of the picture, there wouldn't be any of that fb nonsense. If she says now that he is, would you really trust her? You would probably be just a rebound for her or a way for her to get her ex's attention again. And yeah, if she was really into it, she would find SOME time for you at some point.
Author jackson74280 Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 Unfortunately I think your right. That is what my instinct tells me anyways: she isn't over her ex, maybe she thought she was but now realized she isn't. She has kind of painted herself into a corner on this one. If she tells me she still isn't over her ex it makes her look like a major douche. Girls hate losing face. Decision is made...telling her to go pound sand. No longer going to be her safety net. Mind is racing on how to tell her to take her BS elsewhere. Gonna tell her to f-off and she isn't welcome anymore. Just need to be stronger this time and not respond when she contacts me (it will happen again). Lesson to other folks out there. Even if the girl comes back and tells you all the right things like she wants to get back together.....it is a slippery slope when her ex is still in the picture. Thanks everyone for their feedback.
Philosoraptor Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 While I agree you need to stand your ground there is no need to be hostile. Just let her know that you think she still needs time to heal and wish her the best.
greenz Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 While I agree you need to stand your ground there is no need to be hostile. Just let her know that you think she still needs time to heal and wish her the best. Agreed with above.
Author jackson74280 Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 I hear ya.....but how much am I suppose to take? I made it clear to this girl that she was not to contact me again unless the ex was out of the picture. When she did she said she was broken up with him, however I can tell that see that she is chatting it up with him left and right. I see this as a huge disrespect to me, as she clearly contacted me for her own selfish reasons without any regard for the conditions I established. In fact, when she did contact me I asked her directly "are you still seeing #####?" She says no, she would not have contacted me if she was. Then as soon as I say OK lets try this......she backs off and obvious she is still talking to the guy. I was her emotional crutch when she needed it. How can you not be pissed when someone knowingly uses you for their own selfish reasons. FYI.....through this whole thing I have been caring, understanding, even supportive. At no time have I shown any anger or resentment. If I don't put my foot down she will simply continue to use me as her emotional crutch. As soon as she gets her little ego boost from knowing I still like her she looses all interest. Then I'm the one sitting there hurt again.
Philosoraptor Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Understand that you have had control over everything that has happened. You've made the choice to keep close enough to allow her to be "selfish". Draw a line and keep your boundaries and you can be the bigger person and protect yourself.
greenz Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Right, put your foot down by not responding to her contacts. Don't pick up the phone or answer texts or whatever. You are letting her do this to you. Getting angry with her will only show her that she's getting to you and it won't make either you or her feel better.
geegirl Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Decision is made...telling her to go pound sand. No longer going to be her safety net. Mind is racing on how to tell her to take her BS elsewhere. Gonna tell her to f-off and she isn't welcome anymore. Just need to be stronger this time and not respond when she contacts me (it will happen again). Good for you. You can be tactful rather than hostile about it. Soon enough you'll look back and feel bad that you did that and then you'll think of ways to apologize. Don't react on your angry emotions. Bowing out on a kind note doesn't leave any door unclosed.
JasonRules Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Ask yourself, at some point your ex made a conscious decision and chose another guy (doesn't matter who) over you. You were not a priority, but an option. She "bet on the wrong horse" and now that this didn't work out she is playing/thinking of going back to her safety net (ie. you). If you accept being 2nd best, then by all means you should go back to her. Hopefully, she won't find another No. 1 and you won't be dumped again.
Author jackson74280 Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 Well I did it. Told her I was tired of the BS. I did it in a tactful way....came across firm yet not mean. She broke down and said that her heart is still with the other guy, she's sorry for doing this again, blah blah blah. So we are back to where we were before, NC. However, I think I have stopped the behavior of her running to me whenever she needs an ego boost. Long story short, I feel great now. No more agonizing about what could be going on. Also, at a personal level, finally telling yourself "I'm not gonna put up with this anymore" feels so much better than just being a doormat. Sometime you just have to accept the fact that you aren't the #1 guy and move on. Hard to do because you want to believe so bad that there is nothing wrong. Warning signs and gut instinct can tell you a lot.
greenz Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Well I did it. Told her I was tired of the BS. I did it in a tactful way....came across firm yet not mean. She broke down and said that her heart is still with the other guy, she's sorry for doing this again, blah blah blah. So we are back to where we were before, NC. However, I think I have stopped the behavior of her running to me whenever she needs an ego boost. Long story short, I feel great now. No more agonizing about what could be going on. Also, at a personal level, finally telling yourself "I'm not gonna put up with this anymore" feels so much better than just being a doormat. Sometime you just have to accept the fact that you aren't the #1 guy and move on. Hard to do because you want to believe so bad that there is nothing wrong. Warning signs and gut instinct can tell you a lot. Good for you. I've been there before and with time I see how something that I wanted so badly at the time is actually something that I'm really glad didn't happen in the long run. You'll find someone better. It's a cliche, but it's true. Every experience matures you as a person and leads you to figuring your life out so much more. Now just make sure you don't get curious if she contacts you again anytime soon. If she does, respectfully remind her that talking to her is not a good idea.
Philosoraptor Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Well I did it. Told her I was tired of the BS. I did it in a tactful way....came across firm yet not mean. She broke down and said that her heart is still with the other guy, she's sorry for doing this again, blah blah blah. So we are back to where we were before, NC. However, I think I have stopped the behavior of her running to me whenever she needs an ego boost. Long story short, I feel great now. No more agonizing about what could be going on. Also, at a personal level, finally telling yourself "I'm not gonna put up with this anymore" feels so much better than just being a doormat. Sometime you just have to accept the fact that you aren't the #1 guy and move on. Hard to do because you want to believe so bad that there is nothing wrong. Warning signs and gut instinct can tell you a lot. Good to hear. Now just stick with it and you'll find healing to be much much easier. I wish you the best of luck
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