My worst year yet

[Krashan]

Well what an awful year 2012 has been for me so far.

 

The year started with me doing something stupid that I'm deepy ashamed of, I had been to a work Xmas party in December and got drunk, come home, slept for 7 hours then foolishly drove to work next morning. I got stopped by the police during random Xmas checks and surely enough I was still over the limit.

 

Here in the uk a DUI means a criminal record for life, I was banged up in the cells for a day and had to appear in court at the start of this year. I'd never so much had a parking ticket before. The £400 fine I could deal with, the one year driving ban is hard (I'd only bought a new car 3 months earlier) but now being branded a criminal really affected me, I felt deeply ashamed, depressed and somehow "different", it's hard to explain. It affects your life in many ways, my house and contents insurance is now invalid, I cannot travel to Canda to see my family over there ever again...

 

Of course my family and employers don't know this, they would be deeply dissapointed in me. It is so out of character for me.

 

Then in February my girlfriend and I were lying in bed one day, and she comments than I have a strange shaped neck, we check it out in the mirror and sure enough it looks swollen on one side. I decide to go to the doctor, thinking at worst it might be an infection, a few anti-biotics will clear it up, he seemed much more concerned. Over the last few months, I've been prodded, ultra-sounded, biopsies performed on me and I have been told that I have suspected thyroid cancer. This news was broken to me last month, I am advised further tests to make sure it has not spread to my lymphatic system, but I am to be put on a waiting list for a thyroid removal operation. I've never had an operation in my life and I'm absolutely terrified, I'm only 31 years old and didn't ever expect anything like this to happen to me, well you never do do you?

 

I have worked in a fast moving industry position for the last 10 years which unfortunately means I live a bit like the Littlest Hobo, I am a self employed contracter who has moved cities and jobs 5 times in the last 10 years, and moved house about double that. It's a career that I love, but it is a rapidly shrinking sector and redundancies are announced by the hundreds every year. During my 20's having a life of "rent a place for a year, live out of boxes and move on, start a new life" was fun, now it's not, it's depressing as hell.

 

I got offered a very good position in a new city at the end of 2010, it looked like a much safer bet and I was thinking I could at least hope for a good 5 years here, and then probably do something different. I've been here just over a year and yesterday I found out that I'm likely not getting my contract renewed at the end of this year. Performance for the company has been going down, and it seems I'm the fall guy. I know my boss is considering this as I saw his notes which he foolishly left lying around over the weekend (I was in the building alone and I guess I shouldn't have been snooping eh?), which included his to-do list of organising a replacement for me and finding out how to terminate my contract in the next 1 month. I will likely have to be paid off until the end of December so I get a bit of a grace period, but then I'm done.

 

As I thought I was onto a safe bet, I bought a house here, I'm tired of uprooting and renting, I want to lay some roots and have a normal life, sadly I'm not really skilled in any other industry and would have to take a job which meant much lower pay and probably I will lose my dream house now

 

I met my girlfriend a year ago and she is wonderful, she's supporting me through all of it this, but I know if I have to move away, there's a good chance I'll lose her too.

 

I just feel numb and beyond pain now, I can't even cry. I just feel so numb, empty and the world seems gray. Getting out of bed in the morning is a huge struggle, putting on a smile to the world when you just want to burst into tears at every moment seems impossible to me.

 

I'm lying here at 1am, I have terrible insomnia, I sleep about 2 hours a night, I cannot eat much. My girlfriend tried to kiss me before and wanted to make love, we haven't for over a month now but I just almost burst into tears as she kissed me.

 

I'm scared about the future now and so sad my dreams have all ended up like this. I wouldn't kill myself for my family's sake, but for the first time ever it has crossed my mind.

 

I don't think any one here can help me, but I just had to tell someone.

Edited May 28, 2012 by Krashan

[Exit]

Sorry for what you're going through. If it makes you feel better at all, this year has been horrible for me too.

 

Obviously out of that whole list of problems, your health is the biggest concern. Yeah jobs and paychecks and houses are all important, but none of that matters if you aren't healthy. I'm not sure how they made the jump from "suspected thyroid cancer" to deciding that you absolutely need it removed and need to make sure it hasn't spread. Isn't there a process to absolutely confirm that it's cancer before they do any of that? There are many different conditions that can cause the thyroid to become enlarged or swollen. I just typed "Swollen thyroid" into Google for the heck of it and none of the first results that came up immediately mention cancer. Can you go get a second opinion somewhere?

 

As far as the job situation, I'm sure it's terrible but you certainly aren't alone. People across the entire world have been faced with this situation and economies everywhere are nose-diving. Saying that doesn't make your situation any better, but it's not like you're this singular outcast in the world who is being laid off and cast aside while everyone else is thriving. You'll have to do what everyone else has done the past few years, apply for anything you can find, apply for things way below your paygrade and things you are overqualified for, make less money, etc. It sucks but there's really nothing else to say about it. All you can do is hope for the best, sometimes one door closes and another one opens. If you'll get paid until December that's pretty awesome and will give you some time to focus on your health concerns and also decide where you're going to end up and what's going to happen with your relationship. And although the job situation seems bleak, who knows, a year from now you might be working some job you really like and you'll be glad you got out of this industry that constantly keeps you moving all over the place.

 

I just really hope you'll maybe find out that your condition is not as serious as they are suspecting. But if it is you can be strong and get through it. The job thing is what it is, many other people are dealing with the same thing. As far as your relationship, you actually offered the least amount of detail about that aspect of your life, but if the relationship is good and you guys really want to be together, hopefully even if you needed to move somewhere else it would still work out. Or unfortunately if the relationship cannot stand up to the test of all these different things happening at once, you may have to let that go as well.

 

I hope the remaining months of this year will turn out better for you...

[Mr Scorpio]

 

I'm scared about the future now and so sad my dreams have all ended up like this. I wouldn't kill myself for my family's sake, but for the first time ever it has crossed my mind.

 

I don't think any one here can help me, but I just had to tell someone.

 

No, we might not be able to help you directly. But, we can at least let you know that you aren't the only one out there who has such fear and sadness. At least you can blame factors beyond your immediate control. In my case it was all my fault.