Friend or more or less?

[ash11ae]

To sum up a long story, I dated this guy last year and we were pretty in love with each other. We broke up because a lot of obstacles got in the way and we were long distance. He ended up moving even further away, but we stayed friends, and still had feelings for each other. However, five months ago he reconnected with an old flame, and they've been dating ever since. Despite that, he has still been pursuing me for the last few months, expressing his love for me and his desire for us to be together.

 

Needless to say, this was really mean of him to do, because while I could have been out dating people I actually stood a chance with, I was sitting at home trying to figure out how I could be with him, while he was actually with someone else and I didn't know it.

 

I don't excuse what he did at all. However, I know the reason why he did it. He and I kind of had a whirlwind romance. He is in love with this girl he is dating, and she claims to be in love with him, but they have been together for five months. She only sees him once a week, for about 8 hours, and they go to parks and have lunch and play with their sons (they are both single parents). They hold hands and kiss. They have had sex once, about two months into their relationship, but according to my friend it was just a "quick experiment" during which they stopped and said "this isn't right." I have seen him posting on this forum asking for advice, why she won't let him touch her now, etc, so I know that part is at least mostly true. He says they don't kiss often, and when they do, they are short ones, no tongue, and no sparks or passion. I asked him how he knows she is in love with him, and he said, "I don't know. Her eyes." They are supposed to be taking it slow, but it has been 5 months! And when I asked him if he tried talking to her about taking their relationship further, he said, "Yes, she is not looking for more."

 

Now, he wants daily attention, sex, affection, and commitment. He wants true love. She, on the other hand, doesn't believe in it; has attachment and abandonment issues; refuses to have sex out of fear of another unplanned child; and doesn't want anything long-term.

 

So you can imagine how it makes me feel to know that this guy that I am in love with is in love with a girl who basically is just his friend that holds his hand and kisses him sometimes, and not me, the girl with whom he had so much passion.

 

The other thing is, we really text a lot, and I don't think they talk as much throughout the day. He blew me off for her the other night and they talked on the phone for an hour, even though they were seeing each other the next day. He says when they talk, they just talk - about each other's day, things like that. Very pleasant. But what I find interesting is, he always comes to me when he is feeling sad, and I can't imagine him doing that with her, especially some of the things he's sad about.

 

I sent him a long letter, which he read yesterday, about how he's hurt me, how I love him, how I question this new woman in his life, but how I want to be there for him despite my feelings. He wrote me back saying, "Thanks for being you. You're great." He said my e-mail made him sad because he "always loved me."

 

Last night, we were texting, and he was watching a sad movie, and texted me saying it was making him cry. And he asked, "I will never be happy, will I?" And I tried to be there for him and tell him that part of the reason he's not happy is because he keeps chasing things he knows won't make him happy, and he says he knows that. Then he said he was always happy when we were together. He's also said things like how he always hoped I would get pregnant. How he was mine 110%. He asked, "Why doesn't anybody ever chase me?" And that hurt me, because I have been chasing him for months! When I told him that, he said, "Only after it was too late."

 

I just don't know what to do here. Some people have suggested cutting ties with him so he can't use me as a crutch, and maybe they're right. I love him. If I could be with him, I would be. But it also scares me that I am going to continue having these feelings for him, and have to watch him waste his time on a girl who is never going to give him what he wants, and no matter how much I am here for him, how much I love him, how much he claims to have always loved me... he always reminds me that she's the one he wants, and that it is over between us, and I'm "too late."

 

Should I back off? Should I let him live his life, without me waiting in the wings, and let him figure things out? What worries me is, he is so lost, and he never leaves anyone; no matter how miserable he is, either the woman will leave him first and break his heart, or he will do something he regrets and ruin it based on his needs not being met. He needs help. I understand him. I want to help him.

 

But I don't want to be hopeless in love, either, and if he and I are only ever going to be long-distance friends with unrequited love, I'd like to stop having romantic feelings for him...

[geegirl]

If your "analysis" of him and his relationship is true, then he will never realize the value of you if you keep maintaining your "fallback" position in his life. You're only enabling his inconsistent behavior and you will always be a crutch. He will never feel the loss of you if he doesn't lose you.

 

Please respect yourself and find your dignity. He loves this woman, whether it's in a capacity that does not coincide with your values and expectations. Their relationship has nothing to do with you. If and when he decides to have a relationship with you, then you can draw out what works for you and him. Until then, this is working for him, even if he moans and whines about it. Chances are, it's not that bad because if it was and if he loved you enough, he would leave her and come and be with you. You are not what he wants, I'm sorry. It's simple as that.

 

You're not his mother or his psychologist. You let him live his life. And don't forget you have one too. He will help himself. You need to help you. You are as broken as he is because no woman should stay on the sidelines for a man while he is in love with someone else and then sacrifices herself to help him when she's clearly not emotionally and mentally healthy herself.

 

If you want to stop having romantic feelings, then help yourself. If you choose to be a crutch to a man that clearly loves someone else more than he loves you, then stay in a situation that is indefinitely damaging and desperate. Otherwise, you step away, let him realize the loss of you and that will either kick him in the ass to make changes or he will stay where he is. By the time that happens you will be able to decide if you want him or not or you'll be well on your way to healing. Either way, you win.

Edited May 29, 2012 by geegirl

[ash11ae]

Thank you for your good advice. And you are right. I keep telling myself that - it really doesn't matter if he's happy with her or not because the fact is he does not love or want to be with me. I get that. It kills me, but I get it.

 

I like your recommendation that either I will heal or better informed of my desire to have a relationship with him. It does sound mostly win-win, which will hopefully help me hurt a little less should I try that approach.

 

I guess my question is: you say step away. Do you mean completely? Take myself out of his life completely? Don't be here if he calls or texts? Or continue communication but maintain a "safe" distance (if there is such a thing)?

[geegirl]

I guess my question is: you say step away. Do you mean completely? Take myself out of his life completely? Don't be here if he calls or texts? Or continue communication but maintain a "safe" distance (if there is such a thing)?

 

Yes, completely. Contact from him will never allow you to live your life. You will never heal because you are emotional about him. There is no such thing as a safe distance when you are in love with someone who does not want to be with you. The only safe distance is to be completely apart.

 

If he does not feel the loss of you, he will never realize the value of you. And when he never realizes the importance of you in his life, he will never make you a priority.

 

Never make someone a priority when you are an option.

[ash11ae]

I have been texting with him this evening. He is acting down. I asked him what's wrong. He said, "Life." He says he wants too much. I told him he wants what any normal person wants.

 

Then he says, "I screwed up, huh? I'm destined for failure, huh?"

 

I tried to tell him that he has a lot of potential but he keeps chasing things he knows will not make him happy. He says he is aware of this. That he wants someone who is excited to see him. I mentioned his girlfriend. "I rarely hear from her. She never comes to see me. And the ones who work to come see me, I blow off." Meaning me. I told him that is an issue to take up with his girlfriend, but that considering his girlfriend told him upfront she did not want the same thing he did, it's really silly of him to expect something different.

 

I repeated to him some of the good advice I've been given here: that it's his life, his decision, and his own happiness is in his own hands, and while I would like to help him, I can't make his decisions for him.

 

I know I have a problem here. And part of that problem is that I can't just abandon someone. Even if it's for my own good. I don't want to leave him in the lurch if he needs a friend. He said I'm the only one he comes to when he's sad or lonely, that he doesn't talk to anyone else about those sorts of feelings.

 

I just don't want to be a mean person. I don't want to deprive someone of a shoulder if they need one. Especially because I care so much for him. I guess I am a real schmuck, huh?

[Derevko]

I just don't want to be a mean person. I don't want to deprive someone of a shoulder if they need one. Especially because I care so much for him. I guess I am a real schmuck, huh?

 

You don't want to be a mean person. You want to be there for someone you care about. That's understandable. But at what cost? Is your friendship with him more important than your own happiness? Because that's the choice we're talking about here. You can't have both.

[ash11ae]

I know. You're right. He asked me if I thought he was making a mistake.

 

I've spent the last hour giving him advice. GOOD advice. All getting the response of "I know ."

 

And then I get, "But, she does have her hands full."

 

OK, well if you're OK with that, then why should I invest my time and energy trying to convince you of otherwise? It's like I told him; we all work for the same company, and he's the boss, but his girlfriend gets promoted just because he likes her better and she flirts with him, and meanwhile I'm the one who does all the work.

 

I need to find a new job.

[geegirl]

I know I have a problem here. And part of that problem is that I can't just abandon someone. Even if it's for my own good. I don't want to leave him in the lurch if he needs a friend. He said I'm the only one he comes to when he's sad or lonely, that he doesn't talk to anyone else about those sorts of feelings.

 

I just don't want to be a mean person. I don't want to deprive someone of a shoulder if they need one. Especially because I care so much for him. I guess I am a real schmuck, huh?

 

This is not about abandoning someone or not caring for them. Let's be honest. You're clinging, trying to represent all that he needs, the faithful, loving and loyal woman hoping that it will change his mind. You hope he will see the light and realize how wonderful you are and get an epiphany. So everyday you try to remind him of your existence hoping he'll come around.

 

He's not your friend anymore when you are in love and contact is hurting you. You have to take care of you before you are able to take care of someone else. He is completely selfish to do this to you. The kind thing to do would be to let you go knowing how much this hurts you but his needs come first.

 

I have a friend who is dating a married man. She tells me everyday how badly the wife treats him and how he is so lonely and upset. But every single day after a boo hoo session, he goes right back to his wife. You live with the choices you make. Stop being a martyr at any cost because no one is putting your needs first. And if he can't see how wonderful you are, it's because he's too in love with this woman or addicted to her. If you're so dependent and don't confuse this with wanting to be the loyal "friend" then continue being a doormat. Fallbacks never get the guy.

 

You either cut him off and let him be a man and make his mistakes and choices on his own or you continue to self destruct. You're busy trying to rescue him because you're too afraid to face your own issues and fears. You're just as broken as he is yet you believe you're able enough to help him? This is not about helping him anymore. You're focusing on him and his relationship because you're petrified of facing your reality.

Edited May 29, 2012 by geegirl

[aiyam]

I think you should let go. No person can love two persons equally or at the same level. Indeed, he wants the other woman so why do you have to stay for someone who is not asking you to? You have to accept that and move on. It will never be easy, but if you let yourself stay in such situation longer, the harder it will be.

[ash11ae]

I have decided to finally take everyone's advice and go NC from my love interest.

 

It is increasingly hard, and even now, I want to text him or e-mail him telling him what I'm thinking... but I guess I've come to the point where I realize, no matter what I do, it is not going to make any difference.

 

The night before last, he texted me at midnight asking how my night was. I was sleeping. I chose not to respond to his last 2 texts, and not to text him good morning. At 6:30 am his time, he texted me telling me he loved my Facebook profile picture, and asking who I posted a love song for. We're not FB friends, so he actually had to go looking, and I had just changed pictures & posted that song, so I'm guessing this is something he might do frequently? I thanked him and told him the song was for him. He got upset by the word "was" and was jealous because another guy had commented on it. I told him I knew the song didn't make any difference but it was how I felt about him. He said that it did make a difference, that he was miserable, and he felt the same way.

 

Cut to 12 hours later, when he's texting me to tell me he misses me. And then he asks if he can tell me something about the girl he's dating. I say I don't want to know, but he proceeds to tell me anyway, that if he hadn't "let" her walk away (he still thinks he has power over who she is and what she does), his son would not have died. He does not realize that his son would also not have been born. He acts like her leaving was the worst thing, like the last 13 years of his life have all been a mistake, when it gave him two sons, one of whom he saved from a negligent mother, plus a lot of great experiences and people who have loved him.

 

He said that is why he has to try with this woman. I think he believes it will change the last 13 years. I think he is a mess. He believes "Love never fails" but he doesn't realize that sometimes it fails not because it isn't love, but because those people don't work together. He can keep trying with this girl, to chase a future and try to forget the past, but he cannot change who she is. She chose to leave him last time, and she's choosing not to have the relationship he wants this time. It is her choice, and he is powerless.

 

Similarly, no matter how hard I try, or how I love him, I cannot change who he is. I cannot make him love me.

 

I'm going to have to try so hard to ignore him. Last night he texted me, "I am still in love with you." Then, "I know it is a mistake to have ignored your love." Then a "Good morning" at 6am this morning. (He also messaged me at 2am on FB). I haven't responded, and he hasn't made any further efforts in the last 6 hours...

 

I'm flying out of state for a few days tonight, and I'm hoping I can keep my mind off him and feel at peace for a few days. I guess he's gonna have to figure this one out on his own. He's going to have to lose me. Going on vacation will at least be a good trial period at detaching myself from him for a while.

 

I keep forgetting all the horrible things he's said and done, and forgiving him when perhaps I shouldn't. But I do love him. At least, I love the person I believe him to be, under everything else. I don't think I'm totally wrong in believing that he does care for me... I don't know what's going to happen.

[geegirl]

Ash, he can tell you a million times he is in love with you and the likes, his words DO NOT match his actions. What does being in love with someone mean to you? It means wanting to be with them. What does it mean to him? It means wanting to be with someone else. They just don't coincide. Words are cheap, they're actually free.

 

What type of mindset would he have to be in to tell someone he is still in love with them, know that they other is in love with him too, yet have the audacity to selfishly declare love and comittment to someone else. I do know that he is not healthy for you and one that cannot give you what you want no matter how you slice and dice.

 

Feeling jealous that another man commented on the love song you posted when he declares love for another woman. He clearly wants to have the two of you at his feet. You're a possession to him, a crutch and that is all. You tell him you don't want to hear and he completely ignores your needs and tells you anyway, never once putting your feelings first. The kind and loving (if he loves you) thing to do would be to let you go as he cares for your well-being and since he wants to pursue this woman but no, he has to have you both in whatever capacity he can.

 

Can you see how narcissitic and selfish his behaviors are?

 

He will break your boundaries to get what he wants. Only you have the power to keep him at bay. Your attempt at NC is not his responsibility as he will try to get to you. It will be your responsibility to hold on to NC, grasping the fact that it is the best and only thing that can save you.

[Starman8]

I bet this guy's girlfriend wouldn't be too happy if she heard all these things he was saying to you behind her back. You think he would treat you any different? Why would you want to be with someone that does that? You're getting a behind the scenes look at what this guy is really like.

 

I'm sorry, but this guy is really pathetic. Not a real man by any measure.

[ash11ae]

Thank you guys for all your advice.

 

I was able to ignore him the whole day that I posted last. He texted me again about 6-8 hours later, and then an hour after that called and left a voicemail, saying he just wanted to see what I was up to and asking me to call him when I got the chance. He sounded sad and it broke my heart. A while later he texted, "Are you ignoring me?"

 

I caved the next day. I talked to him every day that I was on my trip. I know I am to blame for my own suffering here, because I keep allowing it to happen...

 

While I was on my trip we talked very little, and only in text, though he called several times. Monday night I was telling him that I thought maybe he should leave me alone, and he said, "Seriously?" He then went on to say how he wasn't happy, how he was so sorry for hurting me, how he loves me and he is so sorry. He kept saying, "I am stupid, huh? Should never have stopped" (meaning he should never have stopped chasing me). The next day he hung out with the other woman. He was kind of distant towards me after that. Then yesterday, he told me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. He said that he was happy because the day before she told him, "I do love you very much" (in the context of, "I can't have love in my life because I've been hurt before, but I do love you very much"). So one day he was "miserable" and then when she told him she loved him, he was happy? He doesn't realize how flaky that is. Today he has told me over and over again that he is in love with her. We even got into a yelling match over the phone and he kept telling me I pushed him away, I pushed him away, and it was my fault.

 

I can't understand how he could have spent the last 5 months trying so hard to convince me that it was me he was in love with, and now that I know the truth, it's like he can't say it enough. It really hurts. I don't understand how he could have still told me within the last few days that he missed me, loved me, was sorry for hurting me, and then out of nowhere, "I'm in love with her I'm in love with her I'm in love with her, why can't you get that?"

 

He even got freaked out tonight and called me to suggest that he was worried I would call her and tell her about the two of us. I'm not going to lie, I have been very tempted in my hurt feelings and anger... but I don't want to be that kind of person. All he thinks or cares about is her. Last night I was texting him about how he had hurt me so badly, and if he wanted people like this woman and a few others in his life who have walked out on him, used him, etc, that was fine, but that I wasn't like that, and all he had to say was, "What has she done wrong?" completely ignoring everything I'd said about how he'd hurt me!

 

I'm such a fool. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know I am deserving of so much more. And you're right, if this woman knew what he had been saying and doing with me the last few months, she would be so hurt and never talk to him again... and he knows that, and says that it kills him that he has hurt her without her knowing it...

 

But it sure doesn't seem to kill him that he keeps hurting me.

[geegirl]

We can come here and post and give you advice and push you to stay away from him but no one can help you at this point. You are the only one that can get yourself out of this.

 

You seem to be waiting for some type of miracle to happen so you both will live and love. The thing is, even if he came back to you, it would not even last. He will leave you in time or cheat on you. A man so void of emotional maturity will not be able to provide you with what you want. He's playing the two of you and while she is in the dark, and being that she is really worst off, you on the other hand have everything you need to walk away.

 

If you really sit back and think about this, I have a feeling this is you nursing a broken ego, understandably so, your heart hurts but seeing that you are taking it this far, it's almost an obsession to win, to be chosen, to feel better than this other woman. This is not about love. There is no love. You are adamant not to let go because you are deluded, believing this toxicity is love. The more drama filled this is, the more you feel it's passionate intoxicating love, worth fighting for. It isn't because love is not supposed to feel this way. Simple. And if you think about it, this man is not a prize, a selfish cheating man. A user. A manipulator. And you're grappling for some scraps, and scraps that aren't even making you feel good! It's no wonder he treats you the way he does. You have no self-respect. Almost begging for a man to love you. Begging him to choose you. Pining and waiting around to be validated. You teach people how to treat you and you teach him everyday you're a doormat he wipes his feet on. He spits on your face and you go back for more.

 

Please find your self-respect and dignity.

 

You will have to endure this until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. You don't see value in yourself so you believe this is the best you can do. Until you decide you deserve more than this, and decide that this mind f*** is the last thing you need in your life and it's time to value yourself, you'll be on here crying about why some douchebag just won't choose you.

 

PS: And why should it kill him knowing he's hurting you when you yourself don't care enough about YOU to stop him from killing you? If you can't care for your own well-being, no one else will. He doesn't care because he does not love you, in the right sense of the word.

Edited June 8, 2012 by geegirl

[ash11ae]

I know. You are absolutely right. The more I talk to him, the more chances I keep giving him to hurt me.

 

He uses the excuse, "You tossed me out." She completely abandoned him, walked away for 13 years and never looked back. Even when we broke up, I was always a part of his life, always there for him.

 

In the past 5 months, it has been me fighting for him. Not her. He felt neglected by her most of the time.

 

Yet she is the one he has chosen. And like you said, I do have the upperhand, because I know that if she knew what I know, she would walk away again, and never look back. Maybe that is why she walked away the first time, who knows.

 

He told me once that if he had been mean to this woman, if he had created a lot of drama for her, she would have just walked away. I stay and fight. You're right; maybe that is why he loves her. Because she has more self-respect. Because she won't just sleep with him, because she does keep him at bay. Because she puts herself first.

 

And maybe this is an ego thing. I don't know. We always said we loved each other, even before this woman came back into the picture. It does kill me to think of him with her. I think part of it is because he is the only living person on earth I've ever been with, and I've never had anyone just fall out of love with me before... and I don't think I ever really fall out of love with anybody.

 

I know I am better than this. I know that maybe this woman coming into his life was not meant to be to help him to be happy, maybe it was meant to be to keep me from making a mistake by being with him.

 

It just hurts. And I don't know how to make it stop hurting. And on top of everything else in my life, I felt like he was the one thing I could count on, and for him to disappoint me this way really kills me, especially when he knows what I have been through.

 

He just doesn't care.

 

I'm going to call him before bed and tell him how he's really hurt me with the things he's said today. And I'm going to tell him that he's not worth all this, and I'm going to let him go and leave him alone, and maybe I will feel really awful and alone (that is what's hard, he is the only one I talk to really, all day every day) but maybe eventually I will get over it.

 

I just have to keep telling myself, my boyfriend died, so this guy loving me is not nearly the worst thing that has ever happened to me...

[geegirl]

How many times are you going to keep calling him to tell him he is hurting you? You think he does not know that he is hurting you? He does know but HE DOES NOT CARE. No amount of telling him will stop him from doing it and only you are to blame because you are enabling it. He will not take responsibility because if he did he will not keep dangling you on a string.

 

You believe if you tell him often enough about how much he hurts you and if you be there often enough for him, he will see the light and choose you. He won't because he does not love you. He keeps you around as a crutch, a safety blanket.

 

We've all been in situations where someone has fallen out of love, you are not an exception. However, it does not justify hanging around, begging for someone to try and love you back again. He is not in love with you. He does not care about you. It is time to completely let go and heal from this. When is enough, enough for you?

 

It stops hurting when you remove yourself from this mess. You will feel the most uncomfortable agony, but it's temporary. This pain that you continuously seek by being in touch with him, is permanent and indefinite.

 

If anything, walk away because you don't need to beg for love, especially when he cannot and does not have it for you.

Edited June 8, 2012 by geegirl

[ash11ae]

You are right; I know it doesn't bother him at all. I don't think it even "kills" him that he has hurt her; if it did, you'd think he'd come clean, but he never will. And if I hadn't stumbled upon the evidence myself, who knows? He might still be trying to maintain the charades.

 

I don't want to keep harping on him but there are a few more things I want to explore.

 

We talked briefly this weekend. I called him because I hadn't heard from him and was worried, and we talked very casually. Then later a commercial came on, and the little boy in it looked exactly like his deceased son... That night I had every intention of telling him I wouldn't talk to him anymore, but I couldn't bring myself to be cruel. So I just told him I loved him, and he said he loved me too. And I decided that should he text again after that, I would just delete them without reading. And let those be our last words, and walk away.

 

I did accidentally see that he texted me "Are you awake?" late that night because I had to open the text in order to delete it. I didn't respond, though part of me thought, "It's late and he wants someone to talk to and he's coming to me." I didn't hear from him again for almost another 24 hours when he texted, and I didn't read it; I just cleared all my messages. So we're going on 48 hours of me not communicating with him at all. And I feel OK.

 

A part of me wants to read what he texts because I keep hoping he'll say "I broke up with her" but I know that's ridiculous. So I won't read them. But then another part of me worries it will be something important; though I guess if it was he could try calling.

 

It's hard for me to be mad at him. I do believe he loved me last year, when we were together... and I know that I pushed him away, and maybe I made him hate me. I don't know. I don't condone or excuse what he's done at all because it is absolutely cruel and wrong. But I also feel like he must be so incredibly messed up to have done something like that... to be miserable one day because she won't talk to him, then happy the next when she says she loves him... A little over two months ago he texted me frantically saying he was going to come back to see me.

 

Honestly? I think he is terrified of being alone. I think this girl has some major issues and she obviously doesn't make him happy or else he wouldn't have gone looking elsewhere. Less than a week after he posted here that he was "in it for the long haul" with her and asking why she didn't want the relationship to go further, he was on a dating website messaging girls in his area and "looking to see where it went." He told me once that when we were together he always hoped I would get pregnant because then we would be bound and I wouldn't leave him. Doesn't that suggest how desperate and alone he must be? And to be confused over two women, both of whom he's loved, one of whom has hurt him and wants him, the other who is good to him but doesn't want him...

 

I realized today, when he was asking me for advice recently, about whether she is the one, is he making a mistake, is he doomed never to be happy... I told him that I worried that when her mother dies, she will not be able to support herself anymore (she is 33 and unemployed and living with her mother and raising a son), and then he will step in and save the day and support her, and of course she will let him... and I'm afraid it will end up like his last marriage, a marriage of convenience, but one in which he will not truly be happy. And then I realized... he is probably hoping that will happen. Because then she will need him.

 

I feel really sorry for him and I know that I shouldn't because he's been so selfish and mean to me. I do love him, and I wish he would fix himself and his life so that he could be happy, because he was actually a pretty good boyfriend when we were together, but he's already tainted his relationship with this other woman, and blown it with me.

 

I'm trying to understand him. Not with any kind of goal or motive in mind... I won't talk to him again... just trying to make sense of it. I know maybe that's stupid and a waste of my time, but he's been an enormous figure in my life, and it's hard to just completely erase all sentiments for him.

[ash11ae]

Another thing that's kind of weird... I'm talking to these two guys who messaged me on a dating site. I really like the both of them and they seem to like me too. I'm definitely going to see where it goes.

 

But one of them... his full name, first and last, are the two first names of my ex's two sons. And when I realized that I just got this sinking feeling in my stomach. I obviously have no intent of throwing in the towel with this guy based on his name... but a part of me is kind of sad to think that every time I see it, I will be reminded of my ex's little boys, and subsequently of him, of the pain he's been through, and of our relationship. It kind of feels like a weird, mean joke being played on me by the universe.