Separated woman - should I wait for D ?

[East7]

So I am dating since 2 weeks a separated woman that I met at work. We don't work at the same company but we are at the same building and I was the one to approach her. Classic courtship, asked her number then I asked her out etc..

 

I assumed she was single since she looked very available and wearing no rings at all. During the first date she told me upfront she is separated and waiting for divorce since her H cheated on her with an OW so she threw him out. He wants her back and refuses to divorce. She told me they are in conflict about the assets/property that's why they haven't divorce yet. She sounds sincere and I didn't see any red flag for the moment except that she sounds very hurt and affected from her H's infidelity. On the other side, she said she could never trust or want him back again. They were married since only 2 years.

 

She has no children, she is only 33 and VERY pretty, and we have a good connection..and I like her very much.

 

Since my story with xMW, I am very careful towards "unclear" situations (even if MW never lied that she was married from day 1). We are not serious yet and we have only dated a few times. They have been separated since 1 year (her words...and divorce process can take up to 2 years in Europe and cost a lot of money with lawyers..)

 

My question is should I explore this new relationship with her or tell her to get her D papers and then we start dating again? I guess deep down I am afraid she loses interest if I don't trust her and behave overly cautious.

[anne1707]

I don't see why you can't date - just take it slow. I think the bigger issue is how she might feel about your past as an OM considering how her marriage ended. Have you told her or thought about telling her this yet?

[Alice2012]

A cheating man who gets kicked to the curb is usually going to do whatever it takes to get back home. So while you're courting her - her husband is going to be doing the same.

 

I wouldn't go near this with a ten foot pole. "Separated" means nothing.

[Emme]

East.... East.... smh! Do you think that this situation is healthy for you. Knowing your history do you think it's in your best interest to start out in a complicated relationship. If you can honestly say that this doesn't in any way make you uncomfortable then continue casually. Since you are posting you have concerns. I'm glad you think she's lovely but would or could you take the hurt again if this doesn't go as planned.

 

Ask yourself... Are you ready to be the rebound guy.

 

Ask yourself... Can I just enjoy her company and not fall for her.

 

Ask yourself... How would she react knowing you were once the OM.

 

Ask yourself... Do I need to be alone for a little longer before I start dating.

 

Ask yourself... If she falls back in love with her husband are you ready to handle the pain.

[East7]

I don't see why you can't date - just take it slow. I think the bigger issue is how she might feel about your past as an OM considering how her marriage ended. Have you told her or thought about telling her this yet?

 

I told her..Maybe I should have kept my mouth shout..

 

She said it's not cheating itself which make it disgusting. It is lying and dishonesty to someone, something she can't tolerate. She asked me if I regret it..I said I do. A LOT! She doesn't sound to make a big deal of the fact I was an OM.

[carhill]

My advice would be to continue dating and view it as good, healthy socializing and not a 'where is this going?' scenario. Date other women as appropriate. I would not, presuming you are relationship-centric, have sexual relations with her nor substantially invest emotionally in her.

 

Since you have OM experience, you're aware of how marital re-writes work. Anything regarding M not independently verified is to be considered he-said/she-said. Be especially careful with such revelations about infidelity.

 

Since she 'threw him out', and has been 'separated one year' she lives alone now. Pick her up at her house for a date.

 

My instinct is, if you 'wait for D', she'll simply choose another man who will validate her in the here and now. If you feel strongly that way, communicate it to her and listen to her response. My bet is she will politely validate it and then lose your number. This will indicate her interest level (low). This is not a negative but rather a reflection of reality. If, OTOH, she validates your perspective and wishes to continue seeing you, 'taking it slow', then proceed, along with 'taking it slow' with other ladies.

[East7]

East.... East.... smh! Do you think that this situation is healthy for you. Knowing your history do you think it's in your best interest to start out in a complicated relationship. If you can honestly say that this doesn't in any way make you uncomfortable then continue casually. Since you are posting you have concerns. I'm glad you think she's lovely but would or could you take the hurt again if this doesn't go as planned.

 

Ask yourself... Are you ready to be the rebound guy.

 

Ask yourself... Can I just enjoy her company and not fall for her.

 

Ask yourself... How would she react knowing you were once the OM.

 

Ask yourself... Do I need to be alone for a little longer before I start dating.

 

Ask yourself... If she falls back in love with her husband are you ready to handle the pain.

 

Good quesstions.

 

I posted here because I feel like in a community here since my A and I have got a lot of feedback and good advices. LS feel like a family

 

I have a lot of friends but I find people here who have suffered and have much deeper insight. Friends usually will tell you what you want to hear..So classic

 

The biggest danger for me is to fall for her because then it might be hurtful if it was to end badly. For the moment it is only a crush. We haven't slept together yet, it is really on the early stages. I need to take it slow.

 

What was encouraging for me to wanting to give it a chance is that she was upfront from the 1st date and she really doesn't sound wanting her H back. But then again, appearances are misleading....I know, I know..

[Emme]

You sure know how to pick them East, lol. I know what you mean about the board feeling like a family. It really is one. We do look out for each other. I will say just enjoy her. Don't look for love... just fun for now. If another woman comes along don't dismiss her. Enjoy life right now. It's just amazing that you pick one without a ring and still yet ... married. Unreal . Well I say enjoy her, slowly. I still think you went too close to home with being in the same building but, it is what it is.

[East7]

My advice would be to continue dating and view it as good, healthy socializing and not a 'where is this going?' scenario. Date other women as appropriate. I would not, presuming you are relationship-centric, have sexual relations with her nor substantially invest emotionally in her.

 

Since you have OM experience, you're aware of how marital re-writes work. Anything regarding M not independently verified is to be considered he-said/she-said. Be especially careful with such revelations about infidelity.

 

Since she 'threw him out', and has been 'separated one year' she lives alone now. Pick her up at her house for a date.

 

My instinct is, if you 'wait for D', she'll simply choose another man who will validate her in the here and now. If you feel strongly that way, communicate it to her and listen to her response. My bet is she will politely validate it and then lose your number. This will indicate her interest level (low). This is not a negative but rather a reflection of reality. If, OTOH, she validates your perspective and wishes to continue seeing you, 'taking it slow', then proceed, along with 'taking it slow' with other ladies.

 

Brillant advice like always, Carhill

 

I was dating on and off another young woman who doesn't seem interested enough (I reciprocated..), then I met "N" (Separated W) who really made me crush and I found empowering that I was the one who did the chasing (approaching her and asking her out etc) so it is not a validation game at all.

 

On the other hand, I need to make a series of tests (taking her at home) etc etc to see if what she said matches with the verifiable reality.

 

I definitely need to test her on many aspects and observe the actions, not the words. I socialize a lot and regularly meet new ladies so it shouldn't be an issue

Edited May 28, 2012 by East7

[East7]

It's just amazing that you pick one without a ring and still yet ... married. Unreal .

 

Isn't it ? I approached and courted her and all the bla bla..until first date. Never saw a ring so I thought it was safe

[TigerCub]

East, mon chou,

 

This one is quite the pickle!

 

I am very wary of the "separated" people - since xMM was separated.

 

But on the other hand, I do know of women that were cheated on, dumped their husbands, and despite years of the husband groveling and begging to come back - they never fell for it.

 

So this woman could be like them.

But I hope she can get her divorce going soon.

 

My instinct is to tell you to find someone else since you're not invested in her yet.

 

But considering that you know the pitfalls and what to look for and you are going into this with eyes wide open this time - I'd agree with the others that told you to go ahead, take it slow, don't sleep with her too soon, and date other people (don't get exclusive right away).

 

oyi...what luck you have!!!

 

I'm proud of you for being cautious and for actually telling her about your OM past (technically you didn't owe her that part of your past - because it was before you "courted" her - but you still went ahead and told her about it) - proud of you!!!

 

Follow your gut, you'll be fine.

[jwi71]

East,

 

If I had longer arms you would have a sore neck. smh.

 

Separated is NOT D.

 

That's all YOU need to know.

 

I'd walk because she ISN'T single and 100% available.

 

Scratch that...man to man...is you are looking for a fluck buddy, go for it.

 

Anything else I'd bail.

[East7]

TC

 

You are my wise little cutie.

[East7]

OK, I need to make a context description about how D works where I live.

 

Divorce in my country can get from 1 year if you are amicably divorcing, up to some 4 years if you fight for the last penny to children custody. It may be a long lawyers battle and a lot of wasted money until that damn paper..

 

One of my best friends spent 3.5 years for his conflicting divorce. Meanwhile his xW and him both found other people and settled. During 3.5 years they were still married to each-other on the paper. This is very common here, it all depends on how former spouses make it easy and agree with each-other.

 

Speaking about my "new girlfriend" she claimed her H is artificially opposing to any arrangement in order to win time and that she is fed up with paying lawyers.

 

Anyway, I am not finding her excuses just giving an objective picture of how things work here.

[Alice2012]

OK, I need to make a context description about how D works where I live.

 

Divorce in my country can get from 1 year if you are amicably divorcing, up to some 4 years if you fight for the last penny to children custody. It may be a long lawyers battle and a lot of wasted money until that damn paper..

 

One of my best friends spent 3.5 years for his conflicting divorce. Meanwhile his xW and him both found other people and settled. During 3.5 years they were still married to each-other on the paper. This is very common here, it all depends on how former spouses make it easy and agree with each-other.

 

Speaking about my "new girlfriend" she claimed her H is artificially opposing to any arrangement in order to win time and that she is fed up with paying lawyers.

 

Anyway, I am not finding her excuses just giving an objective picture of how things work here.

 

She ain't the only fish in the sea. It's only been two weeks, I'd move on sooner rather than later.

[TigerCub]

OK, I need to make a context description about how D works where I live.

 

Divorce in my country can get from 1 year if you are amicably divorcing, up to some 4 years if you fight for the last penny to children custody. It may be a long lawyers battle and a lot of wasted money until that damn paper..

 

One of my best friends spent 3.5 years for his conflicting divorce. Meanwhile his xW and him both found other people and settled. During 3.5 years they were still married to each-other on the paper. This is very common here, it all depends on how former spouses make it easy and agree with each-other.

 

Speaking about my "new girlfriend" she claimed her H is artificially opposing to any arrangement in order to win time and that she is fed up with paying lawyers.

 

Anyway, I am not finding her excuses just giving an objective picture of how things work here.

 

But that certainly doesn't paint a pretty picture - according to what she's telling you, this crazy, difficult loon is likely to be annoying and making things difficult for her if she tries to move on with her life.

 

Do you want to deal with that for a bunch of years? (If you eventually get serious with this lady)

 

She has some serious baggage (we all do, but these make Rs extra difficult):

- Trust issues (which are completely justified, but might be a problem with intimacy and opening up and trusting later in the R)

 

- Weirdo ex that can't let go and is willing to be a difficult ass.

 

...its not looking so promising, sorry East

[Happyface]

Separated is still married.

 

She could turn around and go back any time.

 

Happy Face.

[East7]

Ok guys,

 

I think I took a good dose of "slow down" shot

 

I have a planned date this weekend with another lady so it will help to keep all the options open.

 

Thank you to all.

[carhill]

In support of the dynamic ending well, or purportedly so, I offer the example of my exW who's been living with her BF since about eight months before we divorced and about ten months after we filed and physically separated. He moved into the home we agreed she would receive in the D. There ya go. One positive anecdote

[whichwayisup]

So I am dating since 2 weeks a separated woman that I met at work. We don't work at the same company but we are at the same building and I was the one to approach her. Classic courtship, asked her number then I asked her out etc..

 

I assumed she was single since she looked very available and wearing no rings at all. During the first date she told me upfront she is separated and waiting for divorce since her H cheated on her with an OW so she threw him out. He wants her back and refuses to divorce. She told me they are in conflict about the assets/property that's why they haven't divorce yet. She sounds sincere and I didn't see any red flag for the moment except that she sounds very hurt and affected from her H's infidelity. On the other side, she said she could never trust or want him back again. They were married since only 2 years.

 

She has no children, she is only 33 and VERY pretty, and we have a good connection..and I like her very much.

 

Since my story with xMW, I am very careful towards "unclear" situations (even if MW never lied that she was married from day 1). We are not serious yet and we have only dated a few times. They have been separated since 1 year (her words...and divorce process can take up to 2 years in Europe and cost a lot of money with lawyers..)

 

My question is should I explore this new relationship with her or tell her to get her D papers and then we start dating again? I guess deep down I am afraid she loses interest if I don't trust her and behave overly cautious.

 

She really is in no position to be in a serious relationship right now, there's so much to deal with and since her H cheated, she kicked him out, she is hurting and even if she intiated the D, she still loves him.

 

I would slow down big time and date her properly once the D is final and she's had time to herself. She has to grieve this loss.. You two can be friends though and just keep intimate stuff until the timing is better.

 

She isn't lying to you, I'm sure she likes you too, it's just the timing is off. If you two really DO want to be together, waiting won't kill either of you.

[Silly_Girl]

So I am dating since 2 weeks a separated woman that I met at work. We don't work at the same company but we are at the same building and I was the one to approach her. Classic courtship, asked her number then I asked her out etc..

 

I assumed she was single since she looked very available and wearing no rings at all. During the first date she told me upfront she is separated and waiting for divorce since her H cheated on her with an OW so she threw him out. He wants her back and refuses to divorce. She told me they are in conflict about the assets/property that's why they haven't divorce yet. She sounds sincere and I didn't see any red flag for the moment except that she sounds very hurt and affected from her H's infidelity. On the other side, she said she could never trust or want him back again. They were married since only 2 years.

 

She has no children, she is only 33 and VERY pretty, and we have a good connection..and I like her very much.

 

Since my story with xMW, I am very careful towards "unclear" situations (even if MW never lied that she was married from day 1). We are not serious yet and we have only dated a few times. They have been separated since 1 year (her words...and divorce process can take up to 2 years in Europe and cost a lot of money with lawyers..)

 

My question is should I explore this new relationship with her or tell her to get her D papers and then we start dating again? I guess deep down I am afraid she loses interest if I don't trust her and behave overly cautious.

 

I haven't read the whole thread. Your OP doesn't scare me, there's not a long line of red flags in there waving at me...

 

However, if something weird happened and I found myself single again I don't think I would date someone who wasn't truly available. It's not for me and I don't think there's only one 'perfect match' out there for all of us. So I would rather start afresh with someone who was as untethered as myself.

 

But, having said that, perhaps you could stay in touch with this woman on a casual basis and if things change with her you could meet up and see how the land lies.

[PeineDeCoeur]

East,

 

I am separated but not yet D. That is currently in the works.

 

What I want to say is.. there is NO WAY I'm going back. No. way. For some of us, not yet divorced does not mean we are not available. I will note it is a very transitional time, lots of changes and stress. If you were to become her man, you will ride the rollercoaster with her until her situation normalizes, which could take some time. If she kicked him out, it's been awhile, they are in legal proceedings... etc, I don't think she's even remotely thinking about going back to him.

 

Whether she's done her own work in analyzing the death of the marriage and what comes next for her, you will have to find out. Taking it slow is an excellent idea.

 

Bien a toi,

 

PDC

[East7]

I will note it is a very transitional time, lots of changes and stress. If you were to become her man, you will ride the rollercoaster with her until her situation normalizes, which could take some time. If she kicked him out, it's been awhile, they are in legal proceedings... etc, I don't think she's even remotely thinking about going back to him.

 

This is likely to be very true.

 

From observing people going through divorce process, IT IS a stressful time with lots of doubts, conflicting feelings and the grieving the marriage loss.

 

Whether she's done her own work in analyzing the death of the marriage and what comes next for her, you will have to find out. Taking it slow is an excellent idea.

 

Bien a toi,

 

PDC

 

She really sounds like in the analyzing process. During the first day we couldn't help talking about our past so she told me with details how the cheating happened, so classic :

Her H suddenly changed behaviour. Started to dress nicely, wear fragrance... to go to work where there are almost only men... On the other side he guarded his cell like an hawk keeping it with him while sleeping or even when going to shower. She said her guts told her he was cheating so she confronted him, and he treated her like crazy and paranoiac. He even told her parents that their daughter pick fights for nothing, is jealous etc etc..Then D-day, she grabbed the phone while he was sleeping and found out all the texts..She confronted him and he denied..then told her she is the only one he loves and blah blah..

She said, hell, we were married only since 2 years, what could have been after 10 years when we would grew tired of each-other..

I asked her : do you have any children with him - She answered right away : Oh Thank godness No !

 

That was 1 year ago. I don't know much about her life since it happened. Did she went back and tempted to reconcile, did she dated someone else? I don't know...I need to carefully observe how her situation has progressed since. We are really in the very early stages..

 

And yes I will take it very slowly.

 

Merci PDC, good input

[jwi71]

OK, I need to make a context description about how D works where I live.

 

Divorce in my country can get from 1 year if you are amicably divorcing, up to some 4 years if you fight for the last penny to children custody. It may be a long lawyers battle and a lot of wasted money until that damn paper..

 

One of my best friends spent 3.5 years for his conflicting divorce. Meanwhile his xW and him both found other people and settled. During 3.5 years they were still married to each-other on the paper. This is very common here, it all depends on how former spouses make it easy and agree with each-other.

 

Speaking about my "new girlfriend" she claimed her H is artificially opposing to any arrangement in order to win time and that she is fed up with paying lawyers.

 

Anyway, I am not finding her excuses just giving an objective picture of how things work here.

 

I meant to reply but forgot until you replied East. Doh.

 

Yeah, that certainly changes the tone and intensity of my advice but not it's nature.

 

I would not become emotionally attached.

 

I read that you spent your first day talking about your respective pasts. That's no date, it's therapy. It's not love but a trauma bond.

 

That to me is a red flag from you BOTH.

 

Stay for horizontal tango. I'm not certain either one of you can handle an R, especially after that whole first day therapy session. Sorry, that just reeks of pent up hurt and anger. No one in their right mind, IMO, speaks of such a personal and painful experience in that circumstance. It's too soon (IMO).

 

All the best whatever you decide

[Verdi]

As long as she is totally sincere, which I do not see why she wouldn't be, I say go for it. She could probably use a good support system right now... and seeing someone else might make it comforting for her.