communication glitches--when he promises not to get mad and then does

[starkitty]

This is a second go-round for my boyfriend and me. We met a very long time ago (25 years) and got back together after....23 years. He has one child, mother has custody, and my children are grown. I moved 700 miles to be with him.

 

Wife was a compulsive gambler. Marriage lasted eleven years, and during at least nine of those years, she gambled. So the man is essentially broke; she has the child and gets more than half of his paycheck. She accused ME of breaking up the marriage even though that is not true. He called an end to the marriage before we even reconnected.

 

We live together now, and he commutes 350 miles each way every other weekend to see his son. I left my kids, changed careers and went through a tremendous number of changes and stressors to be with this man. It has not been smooth sailing since I moved here. He doesn't seem to understand how hard it was for me to leave my children, my home, my job and my friends AND adjust to living with him after a one year long-distance relationship.

 

I feel very isolated. I've purchased books, begged for counselling, thrown fits, you-name-it. Right now we are in a fight over a family get-together last night where he introduced me to a cousin he hadn't seen in 20 years as his "date". There were a few other issues as well (some a from a few months back) and after the dinner I told him it made me feel quite uncomfortable when he introduced me as his "date". He said it was only a "joke" and that his cousin "knew who (I) was". Well, I didn't know this, so it made me feel kind of insignificant.

 

Things were terse right through bedtime and into today when we had to go and meet with more relatives/friends from out-of-town (his family, not mine). I put up a brave front and was friendly and talkative. On the way home, he said he wanted to "make up", and just "erase" the things that happened last night, that our relationship is too valuable, etc.

 

We got home and I just wanted to have some quiet time before his relatives come HERE to visit tonight. He came into the bedroom and re-iterated that he wanted to make up. I replied that I thought we had. He then said that if there was anything I needed to get out in the open and off my chest to do so, and he promised he wouldn't get mad. I told him how I felt about a few things which had hurt my feelings (example: his mother gave him a photo album with many pictures in it, starting with his childhood and working to the present. There were photos of his son as well. His mother purposely omitted pictures of the ex-wife out of respect for my feelings, which I thought was sensitive and kind. Well, Boyfriend went ahead and put photos of the ex in the album, where it is on display in our living room. There are no photos of me in any album, anywhere. I said that this kind of hurt my feelings after the trouble his mom had taken to NOT do what he DID.

 

We'd discussed this in the past to no avail. Once again, the subject came up when he got the album out to get some snapshots of his son to show his cousin; so during this "I promise I won't get mad", I mentioned how that album thing made me feel and he blew up.

 

I asked him what about the promise and he replied that he'd changed his mind. So now we're in that iffy place again where he withdraws his love and his family is coming to see our apartment for the first time (we've lived here together seven months). He asked me to "fake it" like we're happy for his parents.

 

I feel betrayed.

 

This man's feelings for me can be passionately warm, but when he gets angry, he is able to shun me for weeks at a time. I'm about ready to pack up my things and head back to my home state.

 

Anyone with similar experiences?

[steven8234]

I hate giving this kind of advice but I will say this. I was married to my ex for 5 yrs and she did the exact same type of stuff. She wound up cheating on me in one of her "I mad at you fits" so I would say that if it was me I'd turn around and move back by my kids......

[sportsloving]

The attitude you describe is referred to as emotional manipulation. He doesn't hear what he wants to hear, or you don't react as he thinks you should, so he gets cold and unfeeling and leaving you feeling worse. And then in order to make "things better" I am willing to bet that you have to say "I am sorry".

 

I can totally understand your feelings about the photo album and being referred to as a date. Of course the ex should be in the album as she was a part of his life, but you should also be placed in there since you are in his life now.

 

It's way easy for me to tell you to get out of the situation and move on with your life and sometime you will find that "one" for you. It is much harder for you to decide what is best for you, emotionally. I do wish you luck, and I hope you sit down and really consider ... Is this how I want to live in five years?