marriageontherocks Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I'll make this as brief as possible, just looking for some input. I have been married to my h for about a year and we have been together for 6 years. We have always fought, but worked through our conflicts, although at times things were particularly nasty. We talked about all of this before we got married and agreed that we were very much in love and had been together for 5 years...also that we had been committed for a while and nothing was going to change that. A few months after we got married we started fighting and having communication issues on a daily basis. I wanted to see a counselor but he did not. I was angry about this and the general situation and was mean and hurtful to him verbally. Eventually, he began to tell me that he now thought we should seek help, and at that point I said no. I was hurt from before and bitter. Obviously, this was a mistake. About 5 months ago he told me that things had gotten to the point where he had lost trust and shut off emotionally, and he was reconsidering the relationship. At this point I became painfully aware of how my behavior was affecting us and apologized and agreed to go to counseling. Unfortunately, our therapist was incredibly unhelpful and we decided not to see him anymore. I wanted to go to somebody else, but my h didn't. For the last 5 months we have been getting along great, and my h says we are best friends, but he can't see anything beyond that. He says that he is attracted to me very much, but won't go there because he isn't emotionally connected to me in that way anymore. I am still in love with him and feel that if we are best friends and there is attraction between us, as well as the fact that we were madly in love for multiple years that we should continue to try to work on our relationship. My h feels that there is too much blocking off his heart and he wants to split up. However, he keeps saying things like "life is long, you never know what will happen," and "I care about you more than you know." He wants to stay friends, but I can't do that without hope for the future. At this point, he is planning to go stay with a friend, and is thinking about keeping in touch with potential hope while still personally moving on and maybe even dating. I am ok with this if it is my only option. I just don't know what to do, and I really want things to work out between us. I have changed my negative attitude since the real problems started, but my h is afraid that is isn't real and I'm only doing it because of the threat of losing him. Sadly, I have been surprised at how easy it has been to change my behavior. I feel much better and more confident as a person, and wish I would have acted sooner. I have agreed to go to therapy individually to prove myself. Many of these problems were a product of my anxiety, and we both know that. I would like very much to build a new foundation, but my h doesn't have faith in this. Is there any hope for us?
Author marriageontherocks Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 When people are separated shouldn't they be trying to figure out what makes them the happiest? And wouldn't that include evaluating how you feel about your spouse as well as evaluating other potential relationships?
Sugarkane Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 What changed after you married? I wonder why people seem ok and then after they marry this happens.
Author marriageontherocks Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 I think that it becomes easier to take the other person for granted. You think they won't leave so your behavior is worse and you don't act quickly enough to improve it. At lest in our case.
Sw3etdev1L Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 If he wants the divorce, give it to him and go through the process of mourning because when one of the parties wants to leave a relationship.... the healthiest thing you can do is accept the fact that it's over.. Its the best for you, I'm sure theres someone out there that will love you like you need to be loved.. why settle for less?
Author marriageontherocks Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 He has softened his stance. Now he is going to stay with his friend for idk how long(we'll see), and not looking to date right now. He says he will consider all of the options (divorce, therapy, returning home...) I'm staying in the apartment. He was crying before he left and wishes that he could feel the same way towards me again. I am still hopeful.
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