Mr Scorpio Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 It was very unbelievable to find out that she wanted to leave, especially because she would often question me "You're never going to leave me right? I love you so much" out of no where most times. She was worried about her security, about her emotional well-being. Hell, in the weeks leading up to my breakup, my ex asked me what kind of wedding I would want. She was only making sure that her backup plan (me) would still be around if her plan 'A' (the guy she left me for) failed.
CopingGal Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Mr. Scorpio, I was somebody's back up plan too. It hurts, it sucks, especially when they lie and lead you to believe they are committed to you. What is it, are people afraid to be on their own? SHEESH!
Author Gridlock23 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 I know what I'm reading from you guys is 99.9% true... but my brain will not accept the fact that i'm just a backup plan I really thought she was committed and was truly in love with me as much as I was with her, and I just keep wanting to believe that she's confused right now, and will come to her senses... or rather it's been so difficult to try and accept the alternative.. As a side note, I think my mind is starting to repress the memories of her, even though it's been so close to the breakup. I can remember parts and pieces of most memories, but when I try to remember the happiness, my mind can't really fathom it. I think it's because of how painful its become to remember the good times, and know that they are gone. Or perhaps even because of how painful this entire situation has been for me.
Veryconfused12345 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 First of all, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so upset about all of this, I know how gut-wrenchingly horrible a situation like this can be and how completely isolated it can make you feel. Believe me, eventually those feelings lapse into numbness. But I have to agree with the first poster who said you basically "recharged her batteries." As someone who's been cheated on, I know how much that can absolutely break your self-esteem and make you feel profoundly lovable. It does sound like you've been a loyal boyfriend and someone who's really supported her. But she was probably still reeling from everything that happened prior to meeting you and possibly looked to you to be her safety net (I don't think she used you, but we all look towards something to "make it better" when we're in a particularly low point.) I suspect that now that she's felt strong enough to reassess her relationship with her ex, she feels she has more power to dictate what happens. I'm not going to say that things won't end well with her but if she's getting involved with someone who dabbles in drugs and has essentially been emotionally irresponsible, chances are she's not going to be as blissfully happy as you imagine her to be. I wouldn't be surprised if she gets into a pattern of flip-flopping between you and this other guy (aka he'll innevitably do something to hurt her again and she'll seek comfort in you.) Now I know right now the only thing you want is for her to come back to her but with the knowledge that she will probably seek you out again in the future, I need to ask you, is this someone who's as "all in" as you are in the relationship and importantly, why would you think that's all you deserve? No one should feel like a runner up to another person and while I have no doubt you love her very much, this isn't about how deep your affections are, it's about how healthy and emotionally supportive the dynamic is between you. It's taken me a long time to realize when something is toxic and emotionally damaging, usually because I'm so caught up in the middle of it. I know you don't have the distance on it right now but right now, this is your experimental time to start detaching yourself a little, if only for now, so you can take her down of the pedestal and assess her for what she is which isn't necessarily a bad person, but a profoundly insecure and scared person. 1
Exit Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Your story seems to contain many of the classic signs of being a rebound. All of the things that you took as signs of undying love, her talking about marriage, asking you to never leave her, seemingly being totally attached to you, could all actually have been her trying to compensate for how her ex hurt her. She wanted badly to believe that she could love someone else enough to want to marry them. She asked if you would ever leave her because she was trying to make sure another person wasn't going to break her heart. All the while she may have still missed her ex. All it took was for him to come back into the picture and say that he still had feelings for her, and off she went. I'm not sure how long after they broke up that you started seeing her, but it's an important lesson that I learned the heard way as well... there is no such thing as "too much time" between starting to date someone and when their last relationship ended. It sounds like she just has the type of bond to her ex that they are the type of couple who will continue to get back together. I hope you can quickly build up your own defenses and realize you don't need this girl, because if she happens to hit a rough patch with this guy again and suddenly comes knocking at your door so she can use you again, I think with how much you miss her right now you would take her back even though you know she could do the same thing all over again. Your soulmate, "the one", whatever you want to call it, would not do this to you. This process has actually confirmed that she is not going to be the one for you. Try not to live in the fantasy world where we tell ourselves that our exes are confused and just making a mistake, keep your thoughts based in reality and cold hard facts, she went running back to an ex and left you in the dust the second he looked in her direction. I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. I know it all too well. I'm not going to repeat the "get help, call a hotline" type of stuff because that never appealed to me, but definitely make an effort to realize this is not worth feeling suicidal over. 1
Author Gridlock23 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Veryconfused12345, and Exit, you both had great advice and excellent posts. I guess right now my judgement is so clouded by how "all in" I was that I can't see the situation objectively. It's true that I want to believe more than anything that she is just making a mistake and will realize it soon, but deep down I know that is just a fantasy. She has not gotten back together with him yet, but she is currently scoping him out (i.e: hanging out with him a couple of times)... To my knowledge she didn't cheat on me when we were "in a relationship" FROM THE PHYSICAL aspect of cheating, but she did go behind my back and meet with him (lying to me about it of course afterwards, saying that she was with her friends) when in reality she was messaging him etc saying about how she was going to leave me (which apparently was something she never thought she would do, or so the messages say) and if he would take her back, and to me, that is cheating nonetheless. There really is nothing that I can do at this point except try and move and, because living my life with the hope of her coming back to me is pointless and absurd. I think if she does actually get back together with him then all is lost, but perhaps if she realized the "mistake" she's making before getting into another relationship with him, then taking her back would be a lot easier, because I would think that she made the choice of me over him, and didn't wait to get hurt by him to realize how good I was to her. Either way, taking her back would be quite foolish on my part at this point.... Like I said, I think my judgement is just so clouded right now because I'm still so in love with her that I can't make a rational decision
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