Gridlock23 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Let me start off by apologizing as I'm sure this topic has been covered in a previous post, but every situation is different and I need someone to talk to ... Me and my girlfriend have been dating for over a year now, and the last boyfriend (her first boyfriend), had broken up with her after doing extasy, cheating on her, and telling her that he doesn't have feelings for her anymore. I met her, and we started dating and we fell in love. I have treated her great. With all the respect in the world. I always let her know she was loved, and took her out to places quite often. While she was at college I would drive 2+ hours every weekend to see her, and take her out to somewhere nice. We were not fighting, and there was no previous indication that this was going to happen. It was so sudden in fact, that i'm not sure what to think, because I feel like she just woke up one day, and didn't love me anymore, despite the fact that she was clearly madly in love with me. (calling 20 times a day, asking me to never leave, and marry her, and then asking me how I would propose to her). Recently, she came back in contact with her ex, who is now supposedly clean, and she swears he is a great guy other than the drugs and cheating he did. Apparently he told her he still had feelings for her, and now she has ended our relationship and has gone crawling back to this guy. I don't know how to handle this and I just keep getting lost into deeper depression every day. I still love her, and have made clear that we can work things out, but she wants no part of it. I feel used, to the point where I don't even see the point of living anymore, because I feel I an unable of experiencing the happiness that I did before. To know that I want to talk to her so bad and miss her so much, and that she just doesn't want me crushes me :'(... She threw me out like a piece of trash without a second thought and went running to this guy. Thank you for all the replies and help, I could really use some good advice (
esteem-jam Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I feel used, Im familiar with this, believe me. I view it as energetical vampyrism. Some spiritual/religious nutso`s will tell you that "some people are like vampyres, they suck all the good of you". I am sure you have heard of this somewhere. I have heard too, but have not paid attention or believed. Now I experienced it in first person. You boosted her ego, charged her batteries, assured her worth... with attention, gifts, time, interest, care, bla bla... So cut her out. Nothing is gonna change, and there is nothing you can do. She is the -, you are the +. The more you give, the emptier youll feel at end of the day/week/month/whatever. Recognize this and cut her out. The good news is you can charge your worth and energy back. I know this quote wont do much if you are chronically depressed and suicidal, but it sounds like this: "Maybe you cant buy happiness, but these days it is definitely chargable." I think its referring to drugs or other coll stuff you can buy. So go and treat yourself to some ice cream or good clothes, if you have a chance. It is time to be selfish. 1
DuchessKaye Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 to the point where I don't even see the point of living anymore If you feel suicidal, seek help. Nothing in your life should push you to that point. Always remember, you are not alone. *hugsss* 3
Nohbody Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 1800 273 8255 is the national crisis hotline. I will recommend it.
Author Gridlock23 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 I can't stop blaming myself ... If I did nothing wrong, and treated her great, then why is she so eager to leave... especially when we knew great happiness and were great together.... Why is he so worth it? :'( I feel like nothing.. or better yet, I feel like my best just wasn't good enough, that I wasn't good enough.. The above posts make a lot of sense, I've been trying to cut her out of my life, I really have. Its almost as if my mind knows what to do, but my heart aches and begs the other parts of me to try and contact her - even though I know the conversation will end in more heartache. PS: I know nothing should make you suicidal, but I can't help the thoughts that pop into my head, and tbh I don't think I could do it even if I wanted to
Author Gridlock23 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 I guess I always just thought that if you treat someone with respect and kindness, and are always there for them, then they will never want to leave you... I guess I feel helpless and am starting to realize how little control I really have in how someone else feels. I do know that she did at one point love me.. im not too sure what changed, but it hurts nonetheless Makes ya feel worthless <_>
CopingGal Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I guess I always just thought that if you treat someone with respect and kindness, and are always there for them, then they will never want to leave you. No dear, that is not always the case. And that is a HARD lesson to learn. Many people in this forum can tell you that that is not always the case. And many, many times it's the people you treat with kindness and respect that treat you the worse. I know you feel like you are not going to make it through this time. But I'm telling you that you can. Belive me, I'm proof of that. If you don't believe me, look at some of my posts and read about all the horrific things my ex did to me and all the anger I spewed in the forums for many, many months. She made her decision and now you have to make yours. Choose you. Start by doing this things: -Seek therapy or at the very least a doctor. Ask about anti-depressants. -Do things that make you happy. -Be around people who care about you and treat you well. -Cry as much as you want -Keep posting in the forums about your feelings -You are going to feel terrible for a long time. Accept that, but know that it will get better. -No one...NO ONE is worth hurting yourself for. -Have no contact with her whatsoever. That may be the hardest thing, but after one straight month of that, you will feel better. After 2 straight months of that you will feel even better. -Read self-help books regarding break ups Good luck and remember, you are not alone.
Author Gridlock23 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 Im so glad that I found these forums :'( !!! There are so many people here that genuinely care, and offer great advice and speak from experience and from the heart. There are two things that are hardest for me: (1) Convincing myself that it will get better. I feel horrible right now, and I feel like it won't ever get better, but I know if I work towards it I can eventually be happy again.. and (2) sleeping is the worst. Im not sure what happens but If im OK one night and I go to sleep, I wake up and it's almost as if my mind resets itself and I feel horrible again... No matter if I have a good dream or a horrible nightmare, I can't sleep, and I wake up depressed. The good dreams make me miss what we had together, and the horrible nightmares... well that's self-explanatory. I'm just so glad I found these forums... I've been bottling up my feelings for weeks, and I really needed people to talk to, who care
CopingGal Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Thanks. Believe me there are a ton of people in here going through the same thing. Glad it makes you feel better. What helped me get through the nights is my rag doll. It helps to hold it and it comforts me. She's about 1 1/2 feet long and I sleep with her almost every night. I also removed everything my ex gave me from my home. Some stuff I gave away and some stuff I threw away. I destroyed all of his pictures. It might sound extreme but my ex was horrible to me. After I found out about all his lies and his cheating, I didn't want to keep anything. And I'm glad I got rid of the stuff he gave me.
Author Gridlock23 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 Should I gather everything that she ever had / gave to me and give them back to her? (with the least contact possible?) or would it be just better to get rid of the things.. Most of the things that I would give her are just sentimental things she either god for me or made me, and they just hurt to much to look at or have around, I wouldn't throw out her personal belongings. This whole breakup was so sudden, and we werent fighting at all, we were actually very happy together I still think that shes just hopelessly confused since this person was her first love... I know I need to move on though because I can't live my life waiting for her to come back to me ... I really miss her :'(
Reddice Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I guess I always just thought that if you treat someone with respect and kindness, and are always there for them, then they will never want to leave you... I guess I feel helpless and am starting to realize how little control I really have in how someone else feels. I do know that she did at one point love me.. im not too sure what changed, but it hurts nonetheless Makes ya feel worthless <_> Welcome to the club! You are definately not alone. Your GF went back to her ex, mine went to another guy. You won't believe all the stuff I did for her and those two and a half years time. We went to Madrid, London and Antwerp. Had plans to go to Thailand together this summer. I bought her 2 rings, a necklace, a bracelet, earrings and a watch, all from Swarovksi (always on special occasions like the holidays). We went to the movies and parks regularly and from time to time we went out to dinner. Bought her flowers without any reason. I even bought an appartment so we could live together and start building up a live together. All of this with a pretty standard salary as I'm only 28 years old. And still... it wasn't enough! She left me for some guy who apparently has more money than I do. Oh, and he's 37 years old. Ooowhh, the joy! So you see... you are not the only one struggling with those feelings. But hey, it's their loss and not ours! TI also removed everything my ex gave me from my home. Some stuff I gave away and some stuff I threw away. I destroyed all of his pictures. It might sound extreme but my ex was horrible to me. After I found out about all his lies and his cheating, I didn't want to keep anything. And I'm glad I got rid of the stuff he gave me. I did the same thing. Best way to move forward... Erase your ex from your past.
Author Gridlock23 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 I know it's cliche... but i'm starting to believe that nice guys really do finish last Why can't some people appreciate a nice person? I know for a fact that no one could possibly have loved her more, or tried harder to make her happy than I did... and even though anyone is truly capable of anything, I can honestly say that I don't think I am capable of hurting her. I just wish she could have appreciated what she had instead of what she didn't have
Mr Scorpio Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 well said....hang on in there mate,depression can be real serious,maybe go and see your doc......these feelings for her will eventually pass,you sound like a real nice guy,you'll find someone who deserves you. I just want to add another possibility. Assuming that you haven't faced this sort of depression before, then the "usual remedies" (anti-depressants, therapy, exercise, time, and meditation) will hopefully help. However, if you've been depressed a lot over time (I've suffered from low-grade depression pretty much my entire life) then you should look into getting your thyroid gland checked out. I'm going in to get blood drawn tomorrow at the advice of my therapist. 1
Author Gridlock23 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 (edited) I haven't always been depressed... I think it's just because of how happy I was with her, that now that she's gone, it's like she took most of me with her too... What i'm trying to say is that I feel like there is a void in my heart, or an emptiness. It's almost as if I've been robbed of my ability to feel happiness. Nothing feels the same anymore, and we did so much together, that pretty much everything reminds me of her - Whether I like it or not. Edited May 28, 2012 by Gridlock23
Mr Scorpio Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Then the good news is that once this passes -- and it will pass -- then you will return back to your "old-self". For me, "old-self" was a person who was constantly depressed and hyper-self-critical. Different strokes, different folks.
Author Gridlock23 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 It is so hard to imagine life without her... I was convinced that she was my soulmate and I truly did love everything about her... She was like the perfect girl that literally came out of no where and changed my life. I know people keep telling me that I will, and that i'm just thinking this way because we just broke up, but I really feel like I'll never find a catch that good again.
My-lady-smiles Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 (Awwww, cheer up) Grid, your ex sounds like she has low self esteem and some other issues. Sometimes things happen to us that we cannot understand, but there will be a lesson in this for you. Having a relationship fail can be a difficult thing to cope with, but trust me not only will you heal, you will love again. So ride the pain and disappointment out, take sometime to yourself and keep your heart open for love. 1
Author Gridlock23 Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 Its just so hard accepting that someone that loved me so much, without being given any reason, just doesn't love me anymore :'( Then again, I don't believe people just lose feeling overnight like that... I feel like she'll be back
Frank13 Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 I am with you Grid. After 5 months of NC, keeping myself busy, and feeling like I have turned a corner twice, and not really having anything I shouldn't be happy about, I suddenly find myself falling into a depression. I feel much worse than day one. I think part of the problem was that I lost my best friend. We were so close, talked 3 hours a day, and now after 5 months NC, everyone she runs into is closer to her than me, since we are in NC. It doesn't seem fair that two people who were best friends are now strangers. Of course the silence from her screams "I don't care and don't miss you". In addition, I think I felt it would be easy to make new friends. I have a new job with new people and although everyone is nice to me, there is no one that I feel a connection to. Just polite superficial interactions. I too with this depression have been having suicidal thoughts. Although for all practical purposes, I should be happy with my life, a couple other issues have recently come up. I think I could deal with them but combined with the loss of my ex, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.
Author Gridlock23 Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 NC is agonizingly hard, I agree. I feel that once another person comes along, I will love again and know that happiness that I've lost. For example, my ex was cheated on and dumped by HER ex (the one shes going back to now), and she found me, and we were very happy with each other. So in a way, using her as an example, I know that I will love again, and that this is just going to be a really rough time. I've accepted that I will hurt, badly, and for a long time, but I'm hopeful for the day where I meet someone that will reciprocate the love that I give. On the other hand, I still remain hopeful that she will realize the mistake that she's made and come back to me. Since we were genuinely happy, and weren't fighting, this came out of no where. I feel like she maybe is just hopelessly confused because her ex came back into the picture and told her he still has feelings for her, which maybe threw her off course. I do not believe that she just lost feeling for her overnight, and if the times that we had were as good as I know that they were, then she will miss them. I am however terrified of the possibility of her getting back with her ex, and being successful and happy. That I think is my worst fear... to find out that she left me instantaneously, and doesn't miss me a bit would be devastating to me
Reddice Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 NC is agonizingly hard, I agree. I feel that once another person comes along, I will love again and know that happiness that I've lost. For example, my ex was cheated on and dumped by HER ex (the one shes going back to now), and she found me, and we were very happy with each other. So in a way, using her as an example, I know that I will love again, and that this is just going to be a really rough time. I've accepted that I will hurt, badly, and for a long time, but I'm hopeful for the day where I meet someone that will reciprocate the love that I give. On the other hand, I still remain hopeful that she will realize the mistake that she's made and come back to me. Since we were genuinely happy, and weren't fighting, this came out of no where. I feel like she maybe is just hopelessly confused because her ex came back into the picture and told her he still has feelings for her, which maybe threw her off course. I do not believe that she just lost feeling for her overnight, and if the times that we had were as good as I know that they were, then she will miss them. I am however terrified of the possibility of her getting back with her ex, and being successful and happy. That I think is my worst fear... to find out that she left me instantaneously, and doesn't miss me a bit would be devastating to me I hate to break it to you, but... she's definately not coming back. When women leave, they rarely do. I don't know if she lost her feelings overnight. Perhaps her feelings were just less intense than yours. The thing is, if she really loved you, she would have never left. Or she would have returned in the meanwhile. I know it's painfull. I know it's a horrific thing to think this way. I was tossed away like an old sock, and she never even looked back either, so I can relate to the feeling. But don't worry too much about it though, this stuff happens to the best of us. Same **** happened to me and hundred others on this forum. You're in good company and if you need advice, wish to share something or just want to rant, these forums and all it's inhabitants will always be here for you.
paperboy48 Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 I feel your pain in losing your best friend. My wife of a 16 year relationship ended our marriage earlier this year. I miss her so much! In regards to anti-depressants. Be careful, they can have really nasty side-effects incuding sexual ones. Do your research before taking any of them.
Sugarkane Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 She cant be that great if she chose a lying, cheating drug addict over you. Sounds like she likes rescueing guys. If she's stupid enough I say that's her problem.
Author Gridlock23 Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 It was very unbelievable to find out that she wanted to leave, especially because she would often question me "You're never going to leave me right? I love you so much" out of no where most times. So to find out she just doesn't want me anymore is devastating to say the least These forums have helped me out tons though, everyone is so nice and really helpful in their replies!
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