He left his wife, now I'm not sure

[rosieisblue]

You are indeed still a mistress. Again, I would not be hopeful and confident in the fact that he's paraded around a "younger model" to family and friends. It's a huge red flag - one of many you fail to notice.

 

Why is this a red flag? It seems like it's a good thing, if he's willing to bring me to meet his family and others and is willing to meet mine. It makes me think he really is serious about me. I can't imagine him leaving his family for me if he wasn't serious.

 

And he has told his family that the marriage was broken before he met me so they don't blame me, i don't think.

[rosieisblue]

OP,

have you ever thought that, at one time, he told his wife the same things he is now telling you? that at one time, he loved her enough to marry her, she loved him enough to give up her whole life for him? To me, that hardly sounds like the picture that he paints of her as a dunk who screams at him.

 

try looking at it this way...try looking at her as a human being who probably is no where as bad as he'd have you believe. Does she deserve to be cheated on? I'm asking because if he cheated on her, some he professed to love and who is just your average person, not so bad, what does that tell you about his future behavior?

 

I know you feel that you are defending him by giving more details, but the more details you give about him, the worse he seems. He's either texting you all the time or online playing games when his kids are around? What kind of dad is that? Why is he spending his precious time with them playing games online? Why is he not doing things with them? Perhaps that's part of the reason they are upset. He wants to drag his wife and kids overseas just so he can further his career? His kids are at an age where they have friends and their socil life is so important, but he wants to drag them (and their mom) to a place where they don't know anyone, they are apart from friends and family, just for his own selfish ends? If he's such a valuable employee that gets headhunted all the time, the surely he can find something better nearby where he can see his kids and not have to move. But he;s being selfish and only thinking of himself...and if he's that way about his children, the one area where he should put them first, and he can't, what does that tell you about him?

 

you have so much of your life left to live and love and be happy...given all the negatives about this guy ( family issues, past history, possibility he's a serrial cheater), is he worth all the pain?

 

i know that it may be frightening to think of your life without him in it...the immediate pain may seem so intense...but isn't that immediate pain ( think of getting a bad tooth pulled...hurts, but over relative quickly) easier to endure than a chronic pain (living with a toothache for the est of your life)?

if you were advising a friend in your exact situation, what advice would you give?

 

 

He says he had many good years with her but it started to go sort of bad after the kids and then got worse the last five years, to the point where he just wasn't happy. He tried and gave all he could but nothing could please her and it was just awful. He said he would go home and if felt like no one even wanted him there.

 

As far as moving, his kids have done it before and are ok with it, his wife is really pushing for it as she wants a fresh start and teh place would be somewhere she's lived before and has friends and the possibility to rebuild her career.

 

I would be able to get a job pretty easily with my skill set.

 

If this was a friend of mine? I'd be worried but I'd be supportive if I saw she was this in love. I just don't want to let him go if it means losing out on the love of our lives.

 

As far as him playing online games with me or texting while the kids are there, it's the only way for us to keep in touch since they won't meet me (although the younger one is coming around a bit on that). Sometimes he has them the whole weekend and we just want to be in touch. The kids are usually watching a movie or something when this is going on.

[Alice2012]

I can't imagine him leaving his family for me if he wasn't serious.

 

But that's the thing. He didn't leave his family FOR you. His wife is done with him and now he's clinging to you - the one who naively adores him. Regardless of what "plans" you made, he probably had no real intention on leaving had there been no Dday.

 

He's introducing you to people in order to save face because he's a narcissist. That doesn't = being serious. That's disturbing.

 

I think that's what he was missing, just the fun and excitement of having someone to do fun things with. Life can't be all boring and taking care of the home and never doing anything fun.

 

And life can't be all about having fun either. You'll realize that once you are in a long-term marriage, have several children, property, debt, in-laws with whom to deal and more responsibility. In others words, REAL life.

Edited May 28, 2012 by Alice2012

[rosieisblue]

She MAY have her own agenda....but also, she still knows him more than you do.

 

In any case this is a mess through and through and it's hard to sort out the truth.

 

How long have you known him? If you want to let go, you have to break up with him, go No Contact and focus on yourself. Leaving any attachment is hard, but people do it all the time. The way this is going, it seems like it will be easier for you to move on now than it would be if all our predictions come to pass in the future.

 

At least take some time apart and have him sort through his kids and divorce by himself. That is my suggestion. Even if you don't want to break it off now...don't stand there in the middle of his family drama and marriage dissolution. Don't you also think it a sign that the only reason he is divorcing is because his wife is the one to kick him out? What if she didn't find out and didn't kick him out? He'd probably still be there...but right now he has no choice, so it makes even more sense why he would cling to you. But anyway, if you want to have the best chance of seeing the truth, give him space to end things and sort his life out. There is no reason why you should be shoved on his kids so quickly. I'd be angry too. Give him space and when things cool down, if you are actually "in love" and "meant to be", then once things calm down you can date out in the open and take things slow versus what is going on now...which seems to be one big hodge podge and a lot of things that are happening by default and circumstance and not because people are thinking clearly.

 

When you're defending your love you say it's not about sex but you also work out together, play computer games, have dinner, go out on weekends and he likes you more than his wife because you are fun. I'm sorry but this is not deep love. Fun and deep love are not one and the same and it seems indeed like this relationship is about superficial feel good fun times. You can play computer games, go to the gym, laugh, have sex and have fun with ANYONE....you don't need to do it with a 40 year old cheater whose kids hate you. But I do understand how you guys ended up together....he seems to be a grown man trapped at 19 and you're young an also seem like what you look for in a man is more about fun things versus deeper things, so it works out. But at some point that may all change.

 

I've thought about pulling away but he always talks me into staying and being with him. I think the beginnings of a relationship are about friendship and we are good friends, we talk, we share, and yes we play games and work out and do fun things like travel and eat out.

 

He's very grownup and very responsible but he doesn't want to die on his couch watchig tv for the next 40 years, and niether do I. His life was boring with his wife, she was into cooking and the home and even if they went for a bike ride she'd bitch for him to slow down the whole time. It was just not good or happy between them.

 

I may take some time out from him but can't go no contact because we work together.

[rosieisblue]

But that's the thing. He didn't leave his family FOR you. His wife is done with him and now he's clinging to you - the one who naively adores him. Regardless of what "plans" you made, he probably had no real intention on leaving had there been no Dday.

 

He's introducing you to people in order to save face because he's a narcissist. That doesn't = being serious. That's disturbing.

 

 

 

And life can't be all about having fun either. You'll realize that once you are in a long-term marriage, have several children, property, debt, in-laws with whom to deal and more responsibility. In others words, REAL life.

 

I don't know if he's trying to save face. He seemed really excited to introduce me to his parents. I was very nervous but it went well. They udnerstand because they were an affair also and his father has three kids from his first marraige, so they understand (his mother met his father at work as well).

 

And we do real life, it's not all fun but at least there's SOME fun.

 

Ahh...I don't know anymore. I have to read everything back that you all wrote. I really love this man and I truly believe he loves me. Can it work? I don't know. Is it worth a shot? I think it is because I think we've both met the love of our lives, but then again there's the cheating.

 

I'm sick over all of this.

[Alice2012]

it's the only way for us to keep in touch since they won't meet me (although the younger one is coming around a bit on that).

 

 

Why on earth would the two of you think it would be okay to meet his children?

 

Why is the younger one "coming around a bit?" Is your MM trying to convince his children to meet you?

[truthbetold]

Well, we do give each other support. That's one of the things he loves about me, that I'm very supportive of him during this difficult time. And he was really supportive of me when I was trying to decide whether or not to leave my bf. We were there for each other.

 

I've said why he was unhappy but why was I unhappy? For four years my bf was great but the last six months of our relationship all he wanted to do was lay on the couch and watch tv. I wanted to travel and do things and have fun and with my MM we do those things. We do watch tv together and do normal home stuff but we also plan fun things together and that's what I was missing and I think that's what he was missing, just the fun and excitement of having someone to do fun things with. Life can't be all boring and taking care of the home and never doing anything fun. Plus, his wife drank, which meant he drank and they drank too much and this caused arguments. He doesn't drink nearly as much now and has lost a lot of weight because of this.

 

I don't expect him to make me happy as I'm a happy person in general but he brings me more happiness and I bring it to him. I do make him happy and let him feel fun and carefree and like he means something to someone. His wife made him feel like nothing.

 

I just wish I knew how this would turn out in the end. I wish I had a crystal ball so I could know what to do.

 

Sorry Rosie, but this is called enabling not supporting. You shouldn't need support to leave a relationship that isn't fulfilling. The fact that you both needed to have a safe place to land in order to leave first is very telling.

 

About the you make him feel like something and wife didn't. It's classic and cliche. Rosie your last post even told more, that it started to fall apart more with the kids.

 

In a healthy marriage you strike a balance between time with the spouse and making them still feel special (but NOTE that goes both ways what did he do for her besides cheat on her?) and time with the kids. It's sometimes hard to figure that out but that's what communicating and talking are for and he's proven to be lousy with that, his coping tool when he feels neglected is to cheat. Rosie, BIG FAT FLYING RED flag.

 

There are going to be times when the kids activities school work etc etc take that front burner, a healthy partner will realize that and support that. Maybe she didn't do a stellar job at making him feel special but that still did not give him license to cheat. He should have talked to her and if that didn't work, leave not have a string of affairs because he wasn't happy and was feeling neglected. Narcissists feel entitled to always have to be number one and have their every need met 100pct of time even if it takes multiple people to do that for them.

 

Healthy people understand there's a flucuation in the position in the household at times. The goal is striking the balance with communnication.

[Alice2012]

I've thought about pulling away but he always talks me into staying and being with him.

 

He's a narcissist - of course he's going to talk you into staying and not let you pull away.

Because then that would make him look bad.

[rosieisblue]

Why on earth would the two of you think it would be okay to meet his children?

 

Why is the younger one "coming around a bit?" Is your MM trying to convince his children to meet you?

 

Well, we're a couple and we've talked a lot about me meeting his kids. If I'm going to be in his life it has to happen and it's been 6 months since he left and although we made a few mistakes early on trying to push it his wife stepped in and went nuts and stopped it. Now she says fine, go ahead and meet them, but she's pushing for me to take a stepparenting role, which I have no intention of doing. But they do need to meet me. They know about me, he has told them he loves me and that I make him happy but they're still resentful and his wife has a lot to do with that as she has told them all sorts of things, like I sent him naked pictures ( I did and I'm sorry I did that while he was still living at home. I've even told her I felt bad that I did that).

 

But if I stay with him then they'll have to meet me. Six months is a long time and we're thikning it's coming to the point to meet. I met his younger kid briefly when I 'ran into him' at a store and it went well. He was friendly and nice. I've also talked to each of them on the phone. The younger one was nice, the older one was extremely rude and insulting.

 

I just don't know how to handle this and they're his kids so I am following his lead on this as he knows them.

[rosieisblue]

He's a narcissist - of course he's going to talk you into staying and not let you pull away.

Because then that would make him look bad.

 

Do you really think he's a narcissist? He's so giving towards me and so kidn to me and always doing things for me.

[skywriter]

rosie,

 

At the end of the day, you and only you will make your decision. Something brought you here.

 

Something deep down inside of you, is unsure. So, given that, don't rush into anything with this man.

 

Just slow down and let his just getting out of a long marriage be your exscuse, if you need a reason.

 

If you do that, this may help you to find your answers.

[truthbetold]

Rosie, narcissists are extremely charming people, that's how they get what they want. Of course he's not going to be rude and ignorant to you, that's not how a narcissist operates. They charm the pants off you, literally. You seem to think that a narcissist would behave in a rude way that would scream narcissist, doesn't work that way.

 

As far as the parents coming from an affair, well it makes sense why they accept you and really Rosie does that surprise you? Because it shouldn't it's not like they are coming from some long standing 45-50 year old make it work and ride out the storms together type marriage. Seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

 

Rosie, even if you're one of "lucky" 3 pct your life is going to be filled with more difficulties than most. And that's "if" you reach that. Many of these exit type affairs end up with the new OW (you) being dumped in a few years for no other reason than you'll remind him of an unhappy time in his life and he'll want someone "fresh" that doesn't remind him of his failures. and a marriage that doesn't work out for whatever reason is still a failure especially to a narcissist.

 

And when she eventually meets someone to take on the role of stepdad? Oh , look out. The charm just might give way and the mask will slip. Narcissist HATE to have another man step in their role with their kids. Especially where sons are concerned.

[skywriter]

Good luck to you Rosie.

[rosieisblue]

Oh Rosie,

 

Do you know why he likes you the most?

 

Because you are a very foolish girl. You are the typical OW who feels that because she is younger, fresher, better-looking, more-loving, that she will never fall into the same trap as the nasty old wife did. Oh, are you going to be 25 and have a childless figure forever? Do you really think that?

 

Your relationships will crash and burn on it's own, that is for sure, unless of course you are willing to put up it when he fills your job opening (the mistress position is now available).

 

Just don't have children with this man, please don't. First, you are not ready to become a mother. As a mother, it makes me vomit that this man would try and introduce you to his children, talk about stabbing a knife in the kids. A man who would run off and sleep with other women instead of working on his marriage or filing for divorce is someone who puts his own needs first and his family's needs second. This is the kind of man that will leave you with a screaming baby all night while he trolls for other women at a 'business' meeting or whatever. A few months without sex due to childbirth, your figure has changed, you are exhausted from constant feedings, you will no longer have the appeal that you did before.

 

You think 6 months is a long time? Rosie, his children will hate you until the day you die, do you understand that?

 

If he cannot respect his marriage and family, he will never respect the young girl with blinders on. That's why he likes you, Rosie, because you don't have the life experience and common sense to see what a minefield this is.

 

He only started cheating when the marriage went bad and because they were moving around overseas it was difficult to get out of things so he worked a lot and just went along. When he came back and we met a year later he said it was a relief to be with someone happy. His wife was miserable, despite having a great home and everything she wanted.

 

I know I'm young but I really do love him and believe he loves me. So maybe I give it a year and see where it goes? I don't have to meet the kids right now, even though he's pushing for it.

 

The divorce will take 6 months to complete, once they file. They are going to file this week or next. She's arguing about money and wants it all and he's fighting her on that. He wants to give her what the law allows, plus a little extra. She wants much more so it's going to be a battle, I think. She needs to get a job.

[jwi71]

RiB,

 

I do not know if your MM is a narcissist, depressed or any of the other maladies introduced here in your thread. That's a diagnosis that this board CANNOT make.

 

However, he IS a serial cheater. And the chances that a serial cheater can unilaterally stop well established behavior is VERY VERY small. Somewhere between slim and none. It requires the cheater to a) recognize his problems b) the opportunity to work on himself and lastly c) the desire to do so.

 

From what you have posted he has not cleared step "a". As has been previously pointed out, he isn't owning his part. Very rarely does a M breakdown almost exclusively based on the words and actions of one spouse - and yes, when it DOES happen, its ALWAYS the serial cheater's cross to bear. Your MM bears almost sole responsibility in this. The responsibility he denies.

 

Does that mean he CAN'T or WON'T change? No.

And here's what you should look for...a willingness on his part to examine what wrong with him and his M. It does not appear that he has done this. Nor would I prompt him...simply observe IF he walks that path. That's a GREAT indicator to his ability to recognize HIS failings and a willingness to work on them.

 

I have another Q for you.

You said he moved out (or separated) for 6 months now. And they apparently working on a D settlement. Do you know his attorneys name? And why haven't they filed? Given all you say why hasn't HE filed for D? Most D's take time to process (aka work on the details of the settlement) and I'm wondering why he hasn't taken the official steps yet...the actual petition being filed. Can you address that?

 

Lastly, pertaining to his family...its going to be BRUTAL for you. If the children do NOT accept you, and they aren't required to, its going to create multiple fractures...one between you and their father, and fractures between their father and relatives who seek to protect the kids. If you think its messy now...what happens if, on Christmas, the children refuse to visit you and their father?

 

My advice to you is to step WAY back.

 

Let him process and grieve the M, to adjust to life with you, to adjust to being a single parent. Its a massive transition for him to make. I wouldn't allow ANY discussions of that to infiltrate your dates with him. Basically, stay out of this mess and let HIM sort it out. It's not your problem.

[rosieisblue]

So many red flags Rosie.

 

Narcissist, likely that he is.

 

Selfish, without a doubt.

 

Doesn't own his own crap, he is blaming the marriage and his wife for all the problems and you are enabling him to do so and you are doing the same thing yourself.

 

You are young and naive and not yet clear on how cunning some men can be and you have yet to acknowledge that your guy really is a serial cheater. He IS and from what you write has done nothing to address it because he blames everyone else but himself. He will blame you at some point in time.

 

He didn't leave his wife of his own accord, she threw him out. You will and should always wonder if you got him by default. Not good Rosie and I suspect that this move he is talking of might be a means to reconciliation. Please do not move as you will be at much more of a disadvantage.

 

These kids, well it's going to be a long, long time before they like you if ever. You will be the focus of the anger the older ones feels for many, many years, maybe forever. Do not allow him to push you into meeting them any time in the near future. I'd say wait another year after the divorce. Encourage him to send them to some therapy. They need it.

 

I don't think you are to a place where you can walk away yet, so my advice is do not move in with him, especially to another country. Do not see the kids, (see above). Be extra vigilant about any behavior that indicates he is cheating. Seek some therapy for clarity. Stop enabling him to blame his wife and you stop blaming her too. Realize the man has really big issues and you can't fix them nor can you love them out of him. Encourage him to seek therapy and acknowledge his part of the failures.

 

Keep your options open Rosie, step back, look at it through the eyes of a woman who is going to protect herself. He will not protect you. Do NOT under any circumstances marry him or get pregnant unless he and you seek some therapy.

 

He went to therapy for a bit with his wife but it turned into a thing where all she did was bitch about him and he finally gave up.

 

his wife has the kids in therapy. She wants him to go but he doesn't see the point. He just wants out of the marriage and away from her.

 

I see there are red flags and I will tread carefully, but I do love him and want to see where this goes. I won't get pregnant. I only finished my degree last year and this is my first job and I want to have a career. Moving overseas has always been part of my plan so if we move I will make sure i have my own thing going on, so no matter what happens I will be ok.

 

As far as teh kids, I don't really care about meeting them. They're horrible to me. They've sent me messages saying that their parents still love each other, that they're both just too proud, that I'm a slut or a whore or whatever, so I do't really want to meet them.

 

I'm not a slut or a whore. I just met a man who fell in love with me and I fell in love with him, even before we had sex, so it isn't this vulgar thing that his wife tries to make it out to be. We actually really loved each other and were wiling to wait for sex (other than some kisses and such) although he knew I wanted him.

[bean1]

He only started cheating when the marriage went bad and because they were moving around overseas it was difficult to get out of things so he worked a lot and just went along. When he came back and we met a year later he said it was a relief to be with someone happy. His wife was miserable, despite having a great home and everything she wanted.

 

I know I'm young but I really do love him and believe he loves me. So maybe I give it a year and see where it goes? I don't have to meet the kids right now, even though he's pushing for it.

 

The divorce will take 6 months to complete, once they file. They are going to file this week or next. She's arguing about money and wants it all and he's fighting her on that. He wants to give her what the law allows, plus a little extra. She wants much more so it's going to be a battle, I think. She needs to get a job.

 

Like many women, you've fallen into the rescuer trap.

 

I'll rescue him, I'll be the wife he always wanted, etc... we've all done it at one point or another (not with an MM for most, but a man who 'needs' saving).

 

Of course you are happy, he doesn't have to answer to you. You don't complain when he sleeps with another woman (you really don't think he's never slept with his own wife since he started dating you, right?), you don't come with kids, you don't complain when he spends the family's money on another woman, you don't have loads of laundry to do, you didn't have to go through endless sleepless nights with babies, the difficulties surrounding that, you don't argue about an electric bill or need to figure out scheduling a child's vaccination with having to get the milk for the week, etc..

 

You are fantasy right now Rosie, you are not a real life wife/family. You are that little honeymoon phase before reality sets in. You don't come with the responsibilities that a grown man needs to come home to everyday...... yet.

[truthbetold]

Rosie, JW is absolutely correct. In the clinical sense, none of us know for fact if he is textbook narcissist. He does however display qualities of extreme selfishness. Now that's great as long as it's serving him and thereby you as you're his focus NOW. Won't be so great when he requires something/someone else as JW and others have pointed out if he doesn't address why he copes this way. My guess if you try to talk him into counseling is he'll sweet talk you into believing he doesn't need it, he's all fixed and has what he needs. It seems you are buying into that.

 

It seems from your beginning post you weren't sure (that's what you said) now you're over defending him most likely bc it's hard to get a dose of ice cold water of reality thrown all over whatever your hopes were. And that's understandble. But please understand this advice is all coming from a place of wanting to help you as we can see this trainwreck from an uninvested point of view. I'll still sleep great. I gain nothing from you doing one thing or another. But I hate to see women twisted in confusion. Love is not confusion Rosie, it just isn't. If you have to ask why, or what this or that means, it generally means it just isn't right. Love isn't full of self doubt and wondering.

 

I do ask you to ask yourself something. You mentioned sending him a naked pic while he was still living at home (which before you made it sound like he was completely done) What motivated you to do that? You don't have to answer me, this is for you. Why did you feel the need for that? Was it just "fun", were you trying to "win" him away? Why the need to do that? Because unfortunately now the wife did tell her kids, right or wrong it was her choice. Most people are not going to see that as respectful behavior. I do not mean that as a slam as it seems you recognize it was stupid in hindsight, but the fact is you will be judged harshly by some for that including his kids.

 

As far as the kids esp the older one goes, they don't see that you have done anything worthy of respect which is one reason they believe they can be rude to you. You need to start taking some actions worthy of respect "IF" you hope for them to ever accept you, and they still might not, but at least then you tried. You would do that as JW and MissBee and others have suggested, by stepping way back and let him deal with the end of his marriage on his own, like a big boy, without someone waiting in the wings, but he has shown for all purposes he can't without having someone else, and people like that are a lousy bet for future security and a strong solid relationship.

[rosieisblue]

RiB,

 

I do not know if your MM is a narcissist, depressed or any of the other maladies introduced here in your thread. That's a diagnosis that this board CANNOT make.

 

However, he IS a serial cheater. And the chances that a serial cheater can unilaterally stop well established behavior is VERY VERY small. Somewhere between slim and none. It requires the cheater to a) recognize his problems b) the opportunity to work on himself and lastly c) the desire to do so.

 

From what you have posted he has not cleared step "a". As has been previously pointed out, he isn't owning his part. Very rarely does a M breakdown almost exclusively based on the words and actions of one spouse - and yes, when it DOES happen, its ALWAYS the serial cheater's cross to bear. Your MM bears almost sole responsibility in this. The responsibility he denies.

 

Does that mean he CAN'T or WON'T change? No.

And here's what you should look for...a willingness on his part to examine what wrong with him and his M. It does not appear that he has done this. Nor would I prompt him...simply observe IF he walks that path. That's a GREAT indicator to his ability to recognize HIS failings and a willingness to work on them.

 

I have another Q for you.

You said he moved out (or separated) for 6 months now. And they apparently working on a D settlement. Do you know his attorneys name? And why haven't they filed? Given all you say why hasn't HE filed for D? Most D's take time to process (aka work on the details of the settlement) and I'm wondering why he hasn't taken the official steps yet...the actual petition being filed. Can you address that?

 

Lastly, pertaining to his family...its going to be BRUTAL for you. If the children do NOT accept you, and they aren't required to, its going to create multiple fractures...one between you and their father, and fractures between their father and relatives who seek to protect the kids. If you think its messy now...what happens if, on Christmas, the children refuse to visit you and their father?

 

My advice to you is to step WAY back.

 

Let him process and grieve the M, to adjust to life with you, to adjust to being a single parent. Its a massive transition for him to make. I wouldn't allow ANY discussions of that to infiltrate your dates with him. Basically, stay out of this mess and let HIM sort it out. It's not your problem.

 

I have seen the business card for his attorney but try to stay out of that. I don't know why they haven't filed. She gave him papers in January but I had just left my bf and I think he was unsure so didn't sign them. Also, his kids were incredibly upset so he didn't want to rock the boat. Then she saw an attorney again, told him to sign, went away for a few weeks and he had to stay with the kids in teh home and I think that made his mind up. He missed me like crazy during that time. Since then it's been a lot of arguing and them each making demands but nothing's happened and yes, that does worry me, but she is very clear (she cc's me on emails sometimes) that she wants a divorce and he is agreeing. She keeps harping on his cheating and why this means he has to support her and then she goes on about my role as a stepmother, which I think she does just to mess with me. I told her in an email that I wouldn't be a stepmother but she doesn't agree, saying the kids will be with him 50% so if I live with him I'll have them and have to be their stepmother but I don't see how that could work considering how long his hours are and the fact that she doesn't work--although she wants to start work again, but doesn't have a job yet, so he keeps paying the bills and money is tight.

 

The thing is, even when he does something nice for her she doesn't acknowledge it. He took the kids to get her flowers for mother's day and to get food so they could cook for her and she never even said thank you. He's paying for everything and she just acts like he owes her.

 

As far as holidays, they did this past Christmas with the whole family. I was away with my parents, just breaking up with my bf, and eeryone wanted to do the nice thing for the kids. Apparently it went well, although she sent him a goodbye text on Christmas night. She is saying that this coming Christmas she'll take the kids away to her family and he can spend it with me. Her words were 'too soon to play happy blended families'. I'm fine with that. Another year and maybe things will settle down enough for it to be calm and normal.

 

He is just falling apart though. This has been an enormous strain on him, getting the strength to finally break away from the marriage. As bad as it was it was still a long time with this person so it's hard for him and he needs support and love.

 

I think I will back off a little bit and let him sort things out. The divorce will go forward and then we'll be able to be together truly freely.

[truthbetold]

Rosie you may not give a crap now if those kids like you. But if they don't accept you and years down the road with weddings and grandbabies (and it happens sooner than you think (the song Don't Blink comes to mind) and if you're not included. Well suffice to say, the number one reason second marriages don't work out is because of the children not accepting the new spouse. Like others have pointed out, you're only 6mos into this and only in the honeymoon phase, of course everthing is grand. It lasts that way in all relatiionships for about 2 years give or take.

 

Now that you mention the texts about the parents being stubborn etc...I'd pay attention to that. I know you don't want to but 6mos vs however long they were married. Seems the kids may have seen this dance played out before....I'd pay attention to their perception of things.

 

Rosie why are you so hell bent on doing this to yourself? 6 mos is nothing in the scheme of things with this many red flags so early on. Relationships this new should not have this kind of red flags so soon. It's only going to get worse especially since he doesn't want to address his issues as he thinks he has none. I feel sorry that you feel the need to experience this pain firsthand.

[bean1]

Rosie, is she supposed to be grateful for such things as flowers when he is sleeping with other women during their marriage? Do you understand how silly that sounds? It's like handing someone a flower in one hand while they stab you with a knife in the other, would you smile?

 

You think she's a monster, don't you? A horrid wife and all he wanted was to escape and be happy. That this grown man never had the strength to finally leave until his young girlfriend held his hand out of it. This is your rescuer mentality.

[pureinheart]

But couldn't he simply have been unhappy with her so was looking for comfort elsewhere? He says it was like living with a roommate, she was always nagging at him, didn't give him a lot of love or affection, particularly after the kids came along, put on a lot of weight, was super critical of him...it just ran out of steam, he says.

 

I want to trust him and he's given me no reason to not trust him. I'm waiting for him to file for divorce and that should only take six months to complete.

 

I'm just unsure where we're heading from here, especially with the kids really hating me. Will they get over it eventually?

 

Have you asked him about these "past affairs"? I haven't read the entire thread so apologies if this has been answered.

 

IMO the less contact you have with STBXW the better, it will only cause havoc should the two of you make a go of it. I had a similar situation, but it was the opposite. My exH's GF (then turned W much later) kept wanting to talk to me to get info. I didn't play that game because I knew she was insanely jealous of me and my kids. I made the mistake of talking to her, trying to convince her there was nothing between him and I...it was over and done, the past. She became increasingly psychotic and I had to call the cops on them many times because she would work my ex up and they both seemed addicted to drama. Anyway they would invade my space and come to my home only to start fights...she was ALWAYS the instigator.

 

As far as the kids go, it could go either way. I asked DM this question awhile ago when we were "together" and he told me that if his kids disrespected me that would be it. I can only speculate on various senarios. Chances are, STBXW is coaxing the kids into disliking you and possibly their dad...if this is happening many things could result that would cause many difficulties, and later it could come down to him having to choose between you and them depending on their age. I took the darker side in my senarios based on them already disliking you...so know the opposite could take place also.

 

Good luck love and try not to loose you in his stuff...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

He only started cheating when the marriage went bad and because they were moving around overseas it was difficult to get out of things so he worked a lot and just went along. When he came back and we met a year later he said it was a relief to be with someone happy. His wife was miserable, despite having a great home and everything she wanted.

 

I know I'm young but I really do love him and believe he loves me. So maybe I give it a year and see where it goes? I don't have to meet the kids right now, even though he's pushing for it.

 

The divorce will take 6 months to complete, once they file. They are going to file this week or next. She's arguing about money and wants it all and he's fighting her on that. He wants to give her what the law allows, plus a little extra. She wants much more so it's going to be a battle, I think. She needs to get a job.

 

Did he start cheating because the marriage went bad or did the marriage go bad because he was cheating? Obviously the wife didn't have everything she wanted if she had a cheating husband!

 

Of course she expects to fight for what she feels she deserves. She's been expected to move for his career and raise the family.

 

He may need her to get a job, but I can assure you her lawyer will tell her differently. Let him handle his divorce with her. I don't believe being his sounding board will behoove you in any way.

[Alice2012]

so if I live with him I'll have them and have to be their stepmother but I don't see how that could work considering how long his hours are

 

It doesn't matter how long his hours - if they do get a divorce, then he's going to have his kids half the time and you will have no choice but to be a parent to them. He's not going to be home most of the time and you will have to "step" in. You want him, you get his kids too. Since you don't seem to have empathy for them, I see a lot of trouble ahead because they will sense that. You should probably go to therapy with them at some point too.

 

The thing is, even when he does something nice for her she doesn't acknowledge it. He took the kids to get her flowers for mother's day and to get food so they could cook for her and she never even said thank you. He's paying for everything and she just acts like he owes her.

 

Well it sounds like he's trying to win her back - and right under your nose. Using the children to get flowers and cooking for her?

 

If they're divorcing and he's "left" her for you and is introducing you as his girlfriend, then he shouldn't be doing ANY of that. He's still playing the role of hubby and that is very telling. He's using the kids to impress her, but she's playing hard to get. Her indifference is only going to stress him out make him want to try harder.

 

And he's going to fight her on everything - it prolongs the divorce. BTW, you can file for divorce and work out the details AFTER the filing. Why the delay?

Edited May 28, 2012 by Alice2012

[jlola]

He's a narcissist - of course he's going to talk you into staying and not let you pull away.

Because then that would make him look bad.

 

 

Alice YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!!!!!

"WHen someone shows you who they are,believe it"

Personality disordered people are experts at choosing the "right victim". Read as much as you can on this disorder as most personal disordered folks(which affects up to 16% of population are serial cheaters.

 

Serial Cheaters - Narcissists

 

A typical reason for infidelity is that one spouse may be a narcissist who often becomes a serial cheater. The narcissist is most likely to have many affairs and will pursue anyone they can manipulate with their boundless words and actions.

 

Narcissists are self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming. They have a constant need for admiration. They view all events in terms of how the events impact them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an "emotional high" with each new conquest. Their behavior is often impulsive which can appear exciting. These individuals lack compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals. They are unwilling to see or consider anything from another person's viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target until the relationship becomes too burdensome. They utilize no moral boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity from the opposite sex; frequently offering marriage, promises, baptism, children, etc. Literally - whatever the target "needs to hear" in order to close the deal is what the narcissist will say and do. Their targets are usually married which heightens the feeling of conquest. They frequently have several affairs going on at once with no regard to the damage caused by their reckless pursuit of self-gratification. Narcissists develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, "elegantly" deceiving without stumble, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal.

 

Their behavior is more than a lack of self-esteem. It goes to the very core of the individual's personality and is a pervasive aspect of their lifestyle. This character flaw prevents them from keeping marriage vows and in the vast majority of cases narcissists will forever cheat on their spouse(s). It is interesting to note that narcissists rarely divorce and will fight tooth and nail to remain married. This is believed to go along with the "need to be accepted by all" mentality that narcissists possess. As strong as their need is to conquer outside their marriage; they turn into weeping idiots if/when their spouse even suggests divorce.