He left his wife, now I'm not sure

May 28, 2012

At some point it's going to get exhausting trying to be "perfect" for this man. I'm sorry to say - he's going to cheat on you anyway . . . no matter how fit, fun and "different" you try to be.

He doesn't expect me to be perfect and I'm not. He loves me the way I am. I'm fun and that's one thing he really loves about me. His wife wasn't fun anymore, it was always problems and negativity and I'm not like that, i have a positive outlook on life. Plus, he worked his butt off to give her a good home and all she did was complain that she was bored.

She would yell at him for leaving a sock on the living room floor. She apparently was in a depression for awhile. He told me all this when we were getting to know each other, long before it became an affair.

May 28, 2012

He doesn't expect me to be perfect and I'm not. He loves me the way I am. I'm fun and that's one thing he really loves about me. His wife wasn't fun anymore, it was always problems and negativity and I'm not like that, i have a positive outlook on life. Plus, he worked his butt off to give her a good home and all she did was complain that she was bored.

She would yell at him for leaving a sock on the living room floor. She apparently was in a depression for awhile. He told me all this when we were getting to know each other, long before it became an affair.

You're in what's called a deep fog. I wish you luck . . . you're going to need it.

May 28, 2012

It doesn't matter who you are, it's not about you. People are what they are. This is a guy who lied and cheated with multiple women throughout his marriage. He is still that guy. What do people do when they are unhappy and dissatisfied in their relationships? Well if they are honest people with integrity they attempt to fix the problems and when that doesn't work they leave the relationship. I myself have managed to end a few relationships without resorting to cheating. Nobody can MAKE me cheat. It's a choice. Sometimes good people make bad choices, but this guy has a history of making the same bad choice over and over again, so I'd say he has some real issues. However, as long as he has someone like you to cheerlead him on, he will never address himself.

I see what you're saying and it does worry me but we've talked about the cheating and he made it clear that it was the result of the marriage being bad. It wasn't good for years, particularly after the kids came. I'm tough on him. I break up with him if things aren't right and he always begs me to come back. At one point his kids were being so horrible I decided I just wasn't up for it and broke up with him. He was on the phone as soon as he got the email and begged me to make it work, promised me it would all work out and it would all be fine. And it's been pretty good since then. We travel, we have good times, we cook together, we are building a life slowly but surely.

May 28, 2012

:lmao::lmao:You don't have children do you? Why would you think 6 months is enough time for a child to come to terms with their lives falling apart in front of their eyes? :(

She let herself go:sick:. She is with an emotionally immature human, yet she is the one at fault. Who do you really think is raising kids and dealing with the day to day as he sleeps his way through a number of women? Great friends don't betray their friends...repeatedly. Why would you believe something like that? So when he cheats on you(after all your working out and keeping fit) what excuse will you find for his immaturity then. It will just be you who needs to be responsible for a grown man's behavior.

No, I don't have children but i've been through the divorce of my parents. i know how hard it is and I know it will take time for them to adjust. He was and is a very involved father, though. Lots of time with the kids their whole lives, which is what makes this so hard on him as he really misses seeing them every day.

If he cheats on me I'll dump him right away. I'm not his wife, I'm stronger and tougher and believe in myself more.

May 28, 2012

Yes I do. And if his wife didn't have her feet firmly planted in the ground with dumping him, he'd probably be trying to win her back . . . behind your back . . . regardless of what he tells you about his feelings for her. He will probably try to get her back at some point - and he'll likely be relentless.

I cannot even tell you how many stories the BS have about their STXH's trying to win them back right up until the papers being signed . . . and even after the divorce is final. All the while making all these "plans" with their OW - the backup plan until the very end.

That's what narcissists do. The thought of their wives (the ones they claim to despise) moving on, not wanting them, drives them crazy. Then they usually wind up going home . . . because of the kids of source . . . once the wife relents and takes them back.

Don't be surprised if this happens in your case, especially if the wife is not done with him.

She includes me in on emails sometimes and she's very clear that it's over and done with, so I'm not worried about them getting back together. He's clear that he no longer loves her and hasn't for a long time. It just took him time to get the strength to walk away. As he says he doesn't like the way it happened but he's glad it did. He doesn't want to be with her anymore.

She wanted him back at the beginning. I think she thought kicking him out would teach him a lesson and it did: it taught him that he's happier without her. But she's done and so is he.

I don't think they'll work it out and no one else thinks so either.

May 28, 2012

So, in your OP, you said, he left his W and I'm not sure.

What is it that you aren't sure of?

Since that post you sound as though you are as sure as you can be.

May 28, 2012

She includes me in on emails sometimes and she's very clear that it's over and done with, so I'm not worried about them getting back together. He's clear that he no longer loves her and hasn't for a long time. It just took him time to get the strength to walk away. As he says he doesn't like the way it happened but he's glad it did. He doesn't want to be with her anymore.

She wanted him back at the beginning. I think she thought kicking him out would teach him a lesson and it did: it taught him that he's happier without her. But she's done and so is he.

I don't think they'll work it out and no one else thinks so either.

Never say never - you need to be realistic. There are countless posts from OW on this forum and other forums telling how their MM went back to marriages that appeared to be 100% percent dead.

You will never know what is really going on inside this couple's heads.

May 28, 2012

You're in what's called a deep fog. I wish you luck . . . you're going to need it.

Deep fog? I know this is a long shot but I really do love him. We fell in love so easily and just feel so right together and it's not about sex, it's about the happiness we bring each other.

So, the general thoughts here are that it's not going to work, he'll eventually cheat on me...hasn't anyone been with a man who cheated on his wife more than once but had it work out?

And no way do I believe that he'll go back to her. They're working on the divorce agreement right now and as soon as that's sorted they're filing. He really just wants to be free of her. He's moved all his stuff out, which she packed for him, he's bought a small place of his own near the family home so he can see the kids easily but he rarely sees her. He hates to go to her home because it makes him uncomfortable, she drinks too much and she uses the kids against him.

She's also close to his family and uses that to get to him, although his mother is being very supportive of him.

May 28, 2012

If he cheats on me I'll dump him right away. I'm not his wife, I'm stronger and tougher and believe in myself more.

Again, never say never. We also have many former OW on this and other forums who married their MM and then were cheated on . . . and stayed. And he knows you're going to stay too.

Now matter how many warnings you give him, he'll cheat on you anyway.

May 28, 2012

So, in your OP, you said, he left his W and I'm not sure.

What is it that you aren't sure of?

Since that post you sound as though you are as sure as you can be.

I guess I'm not sure if this is going to work out and I'm trying to work through my thoughts because I really do love him and I want it to work out. I've never felt this way about anyone in my life. When his wife found out he was honest with her (he'd been texting me right in front of her and she looked at his phone) and told her he had strong feelings for me. They tried to work it out for a few days but he wasn't going to give me up so that's when she kicked him out, following a very ugly fight.

He defends me to her and does not defend her. He doesn't love her anymore.

May 28, 2012

You are only 25, you truly have no idea how young that is. Listen to people here, older and, sometimes, wiser. DO NOT hitch your wagon to this loser. You DO NOT want to be in the position of a step-mother to his kids, who already don't like you, it can only go further downhill.

When I was 25, I would've vomited had a 40 year old man hit on me, tried to ask me out, ... ugh. Yuck. Who would want that plus all of his baggage? Once again, you are 25 years old. You are in no rush. Why don't you slowly back out of his life, let him sort out his crap. Spend more time with friends, your own age. With people that are not bogged down with kids. Go have fun!

Ok, think about this - say you two get together, get married, the whole shebang. When you are still a vibrant, energetic 45 year old woman, he will be 60. Think about it! Really? Is that what you really want? If I applied that to my life, I would be with a 66 year old man right now. Ugh - still makes me want to vomit.

Trust us, we are here to help you from making a giant mistake in your life. He's a cheater - bigtime. Plus, the baggage of kids. No thanks. What a nightmare.

May 28, 2012

And no way do I believe that he'll go back to her. They're working on the divorce agreement right now and as soon as that's sorted they're filing. He really just wants to be free of her. He's moved all his stuff out, which she packed for him, he's bought a small place of his own near the family home so he can see the kids easily but he rarely sees her. He hates to go to her home because it makes him uncomfortable, she drinks too much and she uses the kids against him.

She's also close to his family and uses that to get to him, although his mother is being very supportive of him.

Again, they are getting a divorce because SHE was done with him. If she gives any indication during the separation/divorce proceedings that she's not done, he'll most likely try to work it out "for the kids" of course.

If she's really done with him, then you have nothing to worry about.

May 28, 2012

I see what you're saying and it does worry me but we've talked about the cheating and he made it clear that it was the result of the marriage being bad. It wasn't good for years, particularly after the kids came. I'm tough on him. I break up with him if things aren't right and he always begs me to come back. At one point his kids were being so horrible I decided I just wasn't up for it and broke up with him. He was on the phone as soon as he got the email and begged me to make it work, promised me it would all work out and it would all be fine. And it's been pretty good since then. We travel, we have good times, we cook together, we are building a life slowly but surely.

So he made it clear that nothing is his fault....lol. Holy moses! Does this guy take responsibility for anything? Has he ever shown remorse or regret for the way he handled the marriage or for cheating? Because if he hasn't, I'm telling you, you got yourself a real problem. Like I said, sometimes even good people can make bad decisions, but a mature evolving person can look at themselves in the mirror, admit their wrongs and show a true desire to make sure they don't make the same mistakes. By the sounds of it, your bf just blames everything he did on his wife and the marriage. That is a huge problem.

May 28, 2012

Again, never say never. We also have many former OW on this and other forums who married their MM and then were cheated on . . . and stayed. And he knows you're going to stay too.

Now matter how many warnings you give him, he'll cheat on you anyway.

I can't imagine that happening after all that's happened between them, the ugly words and scenes and general drama. He is a proud man and she's told everyone about the affair with me and some know about the rest. He's been humiliated by her in many ways. Who would go back to someone who would hold this over their head for the rest of their lives? It would be hell for him.

May 28, 2012

I can't imagine that happening after all that's happened between them, the ugly words and scenes and general drama. He is a proud man and she's told everyone about the affair with me and some know about the rest. He's been humiliated by her in many ways. Who would go back to someone who would hold this over their head for the rest of their lives? It would be hell for him.

You should visit some of the "betrayed spouses" forums. It's a real eye opener about all these "horrible" marriages that get rebuilt.

Again, I can't even count the number of posts from OW whose MM were in the same "horrible" marriages as your MM and then the OW found out their separated MM got their STBXW pregnant.

May 28, 2012

You are only 25, you truly have no idea how young that is. Listen to people here, older and, sometimes, wiser. DO NOT hitch your wagon to this loser. You DO NOT want to be in the position of a step-mother to his kids, who already don't like you, it can only go further downhill.

When I was 25, I would've vomited had a 40 year old man hit on me, tried to ask me out, ... ugh. Yuck. Who would want that plus all of his baggage? Once again, you are 25 years old. You are in no rush. Why don't you slowly back out of his life, let him sort out his crap. Spend more time with friends, your own age. With people that are not bogged down with kids. Go have fun!

Ok, think about this - say you two get together, get married, the whole shebang. When you are still a vibrant, energetic 45 year old woman, he will be 60. Think about it! Really? Is that what you really want? If I applied that to my life, I would be with a 66 year old man right now. Ugh - still makes me want to vomit.

Trust us, we are here to help you from making a giant mistake in your life. He's a cheater - bigtime. Plus, the baggage of kids. No thanks. What a nightmare.

The age thing doesn't bother us. We've talked about it a lot. He hangs out with my friend who is my age and I've met a couple of his friends who are even older than him and it works pretty well. They're all very relaxed about things.

Teh cheating thing...really? Is it definite he's a serial cheater or just a man who was unhappy in his life with his family and tried to find a way out? his wife calls him a serial cheat and says he needs help. They went to MCfor a little while after she threw him out but he only went to help her through the breakup because she was really upset. He always made it clear that he was done, but she wanted to slow things down and think it all through to make sure they were doing the right thing. He was sure because he wanted to be with me.

Now she just demands money, that he pays the bills, and loads of other things. She treats him like a pay check right now.

May 28, 2012

Again, they are getting a divorce because SHE was done with him. If she gives any indication during the separation/divorce proceedings that she's not done, he'll most likely try to work it out "for the kids" of course.

If she's really done with him, then you have nothing to worry about.

No, at the beginning she wanted to work it out but he was absolutely adamant that he was done and not interested. When I left my bf and she realized we were going to be together that's when she was done. And he was extremely relieved, as he thought it would stop the arguing. Now she argues about money because she wants basicallly all of it.

May 28, 2012

But why would you take on a serial cheater? Why? That is his character, it's indicative of his integrity. The BSs have to/want to put up with their cheating spouse's behavior - you do not. You can find yourself a better man, one that doesn't cheat! Think!

You would WILLINGLY be CHOOSING to be the spouse of a cheater, why? That is where your future lies.

Read the boards where the betrayed spouses post about their feelings of being cheated on. They are sad and broken and some are clinging to their cheater spouses because they are afraid, or dependent for money, or a scared they will be left alone. Is that really the position you want to put yourself in? To be dependent on a man that will ultimately betray you? Because he will.

I cannot think of a more degrading, powerless position to be in. You are only 25, go live life. Don't hook up with this guy.

May 28, 2012

You should visit some of the "betrayed spouses" forums. It's a real eye opener about all these "horrible" marriages that get rebuilt.

Again, I can't even count the number of posts from OW whose MM were in the same "horrible" marriages as your MM and then the OW found out their separated MM got their STBXW pregnant.

She's too old to get pregnant and he won't have sex with her because he doesn't love her and he doesn't find her attractive. That was part of the problem. She did the classic let herself go thing and it was a huge turnoff. I have no idea what really went on but I do know he doesn't love her. The way he talks about her is pretty telling.

May 28, 2012

She's too old to get pregnant and he won't have sex with her because he doesn't love her and he doesn't find her attractive. That was part of the problem. She did the classic let herself go thing and it was a huge turnoff. I have no idea what really went on but I do know he doesn't love her. The way he talks about her is pretty telling.

If she's in her 40's, she's not too old to get pregnant. But you're not understanding what I'm saying. It doesn't matter if she can get pregnant or not and it doesn't matter how much she weighs or what he TELLS you or anyone else.

We've seen on this very board, MM go back to the very wives they painted to be "evil."

Regardless of whether or not they reconcile, he will cheat on you. He's probably still in contact with the "other" OW his wife told you about. He'll be on dating sites soon, if he isn't already.

He doesn't care about consequences. You're not grasping that.

May 28, 2012

But why would you take on a serial cheater? Why? That is his character, it's indicative of his integrity. The BSs have to/want to put up with their cheating spouse's behavior - you do not. You can find yourself a better man, one that doesn't cheat! Think!

You would WILLINGLY be CHOOSING to be the spouse of a cheater, why? That is where your future lies.

Read the boards where the betrayed spouses post about their feelings of being cheated on. They are sad and broken and some are clinging to their cheater spouses because they are afraid, or dependent for money, or a scared they will be left alone. Is that really the position you want to put yourself in? To be dependent on a man that will ultimately betray you? Because he will.

I cannot think of a more degrading, powerless position to be in. You are only 25, go live life. Don't hook up with this guy.

You all are really scaring me. It's so public right now, our affair. At work, among friends and family, and we have support for our relationship. I don't know if he'll still cheat. Isn't it possible for him to have just been a cheater in that particular relationship? He was with her since he was 20, maybe he just got serious too young? And needed to experience other things and now has found what he was looking for`?

May 28, 2012

Rosie, please understand that obviously he was seriously unhappy in his marriage to go out and cheat. No one that is happy with their spouse cheats, something is wrong with them, and the marriage. But this guy is a serial cheater. After he tires of you, he will hook up with somebody else. It's in his dna.

Not everybody in an unhappy marriage cheats, cheaters cheat.

May 28, 2012

She's too old to get pregnant

If she's in her 40's, she can still get pregnant. But that's besides the point.

May 28, 2012

If she's in her 40's, she's not too old to get pregnant. But you're not understanding what I'm saying. It doesn't matter if she can get pregnant or not and it doesn't matter how much she weighs or what he TELLS you or anyone else.

We've seen on this very board, MM go back to the very wives they painted to be "evil."

Regardless of whether or not they reconcile, he will cheat on you. He's probably still in contact with the "other" OW his wife told you about. He'll be on dating sites soon, if he isn't already.

He doesn't care about consequences. You're not grasping that.

He's very open with me about his female friends. Because his wife found out about other cheating she read a lot into innocent freindships on FB and in emails. Yes, he was going to hook up with a former affair partner but he and I were only EA at that point, not physical, and he wasn't sure I was going to leave my boyfriend and I wasn't sure he was going to leave his wife, so it doesn't really count, if you know what I mean.

I am just confused as hell. You are all making a lot of sense but how do I just say no? How do I stop loving him? How do I walk away, knowing it will rip a hole in my heart and his?

May 28, 2012

You all are really scaring me. It's so public right now, our affair. At work, among friends and family, and we have support for our relationship. I don't know if he'll still cheat. Isn't it possible for him to have just been a cheater in that particular relationship? He was with her since he was 20, maybe he just got serious too young? And needed to experience other things and now has found what he was looking for`?

We don't aim to scare you, we aim to knock some sense into your young head. Who cares if everybody knows about it? That doesn't mean you have to pledge undying love to this guy. This is your life, your quality of life we are speaking about. Yes, it's possible he's found what he wants and won't cheat in the future. But think about YOU. Do you want to be a sexy, energetic 45 year old woman with a 60 year old husband? C'mon now. Try and think of your future.

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He left his wife, now I'm not sure

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