He left his wife, now I'm not sure

May 28, 2012

It's a long story that I'll try to make short.

Met older MM at work (I'm 25, he's 40), we hit it off right away, very quickly entering into an EA and falling in love within months. His wife found out, threw him out and he got his own place. We see each other a few times a week, I've met his parents, his kids refuse to meet me and hate me (they send me nasty texts and messages), he's met my mother and a friend, and I've met a couple of his friends.

His wife, a few months after throwing him out, rang me and told me he was all mine but told me about a number of other affairs she had discovered. She knew about one from a few years ago but didn't know about the others. He apparently even had some sort of fling with a friend of hers, a colleague of hers, and a number of colleagues of his own.

He says that this time it's love, he really loves me and he needs me and we can work it out. I've broken up with him a couple of times due to his kids but we always get back together.

i worry, though, about his past affairs. He was married for 13 years and knew his wife for 20. He hates her now. She is trying to give me advice on how to be a stepmother to their kids but I have no intention of becoming their stepmother, simply their friend when things calm down.

I don't know if I need advice or someone to just listen. I love him and he loves me but it's hard with the kids hating me, the wife always popping up and just the general thought that he cheated on his wife a number of times. She says he was even cheating during the affair with me, but at the time I was living with my boyfriend (MM was already thrown out and waited for me to leave my BF) so I can't really say much about that.

Any thoughts on this? I'm very confused and don't know where this is heading. We want to be together but it's all so hard.

May 28, 2012

rosieisblue,

You are so young is my first thought, and to be caught up in such a situation as this.

My instincts consider, what the W has tried to tell you ,about the man she knows well. As far as what he says, well, I say, words are words if you don't back them up.

You'd do well to worry about his past affairs, they are generally good predictors of the future. I'm wondering why he hates his W, it would make more sense for her to hate him.

The W sounds more understanding than he does. Please slow this down and keep thinking. It sounds like you know deep down that you've gotten in over your head.

I'm not judging you at all. I could be your MOm a nd I made a really bad choice getting involved with a MM. Your MM sounds extremely similar to the one I was involved in. Do it now and think about it later type.

May 28, 2012

But couldn't he simply have been unhappy with her so was looking for comfort elsewhere? He says it was like living with a roommate, she was always nagging at him, didn't give him a lot of love or affection, particularly after the kids came along, put on a lot of weight, was super critical of him...it just ran out of steam, he says.

I want to trust him and he's given me no reason to not trust him. I'm waiting for him to file for divorce and that should only take six months to complete.

I'm just unsure where we're heading from here, especially with the kids really hating me. Will they get over it eventually?

May 28, 2012

rosieisblue,

You are so young is my first thought, and to be caught up in such a situation as this.

My instincts consider, what the W has tried to tell you ,about the man she knows well. As far as what he says, well, I say, words are words if you don't back them up.

You'd do well to worry about his past affairs, they are generally good predictors of the future. I'm wondering why he hates his W, it would make more sense for her to hate him.

The W sounds more understanding than he does. Please slow this down and keep thinking. It sounds like you know deep down that you've gotten in over your head.

I'm not judging you at all. I could be your MOm a nd I made a really bad choice getting involved with a MM. Your MM sounds extremely similar to the one I was involved in. Do it now and think about it later type.

What was your situation? His wife seems sort of reasonable in her emails and such but also like she's pushing buttons. She was against me meeting the kids for awhle but then suddenly said go ahead and gave advice on how she thought it should work. She's very controlling, which was part of the problem and one of the things he hates about her.

She's not been a saint. She's said some really nasty things and been pretty awful to him, trying to take everything. She's a stay at home mom and has few career options so wants everything they built together, which doesn't seem very fair but I'm trying to stay out of that argument.

He is very sad about his kids and wishes they would come around.

Is there any chance of us working out? We don't live together right now, but he sees me most nights that he doesn't see his kids. They cancel on him a lot because they hate his place.

May 28, 2012

rosie,

you are just as human as the rest of us. You are going to have to learn this from your own experiences and in your own time.

You're gonna rationalise, minimise, think, rethink,so on and so forth.

He's feeling good now, but, just as sure as life happens, you will see his true colors, his conflict avoidance, bad habits, how he interacts with other women, etc. This is how your questions will be answered.

When you do, things will click in your mind, you'll cry, "I'm already in too deep", "I love him". Then you, will probably be like the W, "Can we get past this?" It's a vicious cycle, but you'll put yourself through the whole thing.

May 28, 2012

Him having affairs bothers me, no doubt, but he really was unhappy with his wife. It's how we got to talking: I wasn't happy with my bf and he wasn't happy with his wife and we realized we made each other very happy. We have a lot of fun together, he is very open with me, has shut his wife down completely, and he's been honest about his flings.

His wife still throws them in his face, even though it's over between them and was before I came along.

It's his kids that worry me. I don't have any intention of being their stepmother but his wife keeps saying that he'll hve the kids 50% of the time and if I live with him then I'll be their stepmother 50% of the time. I'm not sure that's how it works. I will be there more to support him as a father but I don't see myself as their future stepmother in the sense of being a parental figure.

I am just looking for advice. I am in deep, I am madly in love, he's the most charming, funny man I've ever met and he's like a little boy in love around me. I want it to work but need advice on how to proceed.

May 28, 2012

rosie,

When you get private mssg. I'll be able to tell more of my story. You can get a pretty good idea of my story reading the thread being the other OW.

If I were to tell you I was a psychic and it won't work. You'd say hogwash and do just what you decide to.

I have a 25 yr old daughter, so I live this everyday.

May 28, 2012

This man has lived alot of life, rosie. He knows his W and knew well that she'd inform you if he didn't. He's lived this lifestyle with her and knows what to expect.

People that do things deceptive to others, learn to live one step ahead of the game.

This isn't to say he doesn't love you and that you aren't feeling love for him. He loves to the extent that he is capable of loving, and if this is enough to make you happy in your lifetime, then who's to judge?

May 28, 2012

His being older doesn't bother me, in fact I like that he's lived a lot and has a lot of experience. He got together with his wife when he was very young and they simply grew apart. They had good years together but now he wants something different. She didn't see it that was and even though she threw him out she still wanted to work it out. Then she gave up and is moving on, so that's not an issue.

I think his affairs were a symptom of his unhappiness in his marriage. He was looking for something else but never found it so stayed with his wife. Now he found me and the marriage is over, so I suppose he found what he was looking for: me

May 28, 2012

rosie,

i know it's hard, but try to look at your situation objectively, unclouded by emotion ( pretend it's a friend in your situation and not you)...

from what you say, your married man didn't tell you about his "flings"...his wife did. It sounds like he may have been cheating on the both of you. How does his wife being a bad wife explain that? Does that make sense to you?

It sounds like his wife has been a lot more honest and forthcoming than he has. What does that tell you about him?

As for his kids...depending upon what kind of custody arrangement the two of them work out, if you are living with him, you may not have any choice on the matter about being a step mom to them. He and his kids are kind of a 'package deal'...you take one, you take the lot. Do you feel you can handle that?

the thing is, if you tie yourself to this guy, you're also tying yourself to his issues and is that something you want? It seems that his "go to" solution when his relationships get "ordinary" is to cheat. His cheating with you wasn't a one time only thing, he's cheated before...it seems it's how he chooses to handle his issues, which would be huge warning sign. You know this guy, what do you think? Is it the wife's fault that he cheated, or is it his choice that he made?

If you were my daughter ( I have two) and you were planning a life with this guy, i'd advise you not to, at least not until he's had some kind of therapy/counseling on his own and with the two of you as a couple so he can learn better ways of problem solving than cheating.

best of luck to you...i hope you are able to find happiness and love in your life

May 28, 2012

I think his affairs were a symptom of his unhappiness in his marriage. He was looking for something else but never found it so stayed with his wife. Now he found me and the marriage is over, so I suppose he found what he was looking for: me

but you say that his wife threw him out when she found out he was cheating. That wasn't his choice, that was hers. Do you think he would have stayed if she hadn't found out and thrown him out?

in my humble opinion, this guy is a serial cheater who users cheating as a way to handle his "unhappiness"...is this the kind of guy you want in your life? someone who cheats when things get a bit tough? Every relationship goes through bad spots, your relationship will too...it's normal. But do you want to be with a guy who's number one problem solving method is to cheat?

May 28, 2012

rosie,
i know it's hard, but try to look at your situation objectively, unclouded by emotion ( pretend it's a friend in your situation and not you)...

from what you say, your married man didn't tell you about his "flings"...his wife did. It sounds like he may have been cheating on the both of you. How does his wife being a bad wife explain that? Does that make sense to you?

It sounds like his wife has been a lot more honest and forthcoming than he has. What does that tell you about him?

As for his kids...depending upon what kind of custody arrangement the two of them work out, if you are living with him, you may not have any choice on the matter about being a step mom to them. He and his kids are kind of a 'package deal'...you take one, you take the lot. Do you feel you can handle that?

the thing is, if you tie yourself to this guy, you're also tying yourself to his issues and is that something you want? It seems that his "go to" solution when his relationships get "ordinary" is to cheat. His cheating with you wasn't a one time only thing, he's cheated before...it seems it's how he chooses to handle his issues, which would be huge warning sign. You know this guy, what do you think? Is it the wife's fault that he cheated, or is it his choice that he made?

If you were my daughter ( I have two) and you were planning a life with this guy, i'd advise you not to, at least not until he's had some kind of therapy/counseling on his own and with the two of you as a couple so he can learn better ways of problem solving than cheating.

best of luck to you...i hope you are able to find happiness and love in your life

Yes, she told me but he didn't deny them. They were not happy in their marriage and when he met me he realized there was real love to be had. We don't just sit around having sex. We work out together, play computer games together, go to dinner, go for drinks, take weekends. It's a lot of fun and he's great to me. He's told his kids he loves me and he's told his parents this as well. The flings weren't love, they were sex (he wasnt' getting a lot from his wife), but this time we were EA for a long time, with nothing more than kisses. We really fell for each other so maybe this time he has the love he didnt' have with his wife. so no need to find fulfillment elsewhere.

May 28, 2012

but you say that his wife threw him out when she found out he was cheating. That wasn't his choice, that was hers. Do you think he would have stayed if she hadn't found out and thrown him out?

in my humble opinion, this guy is a serial cheater who users cheating as a way to handle his "unhappiness"...is this the kind of guy you want in your life? someone who cheats when things get a bit tough? Every relationship goes through bad spots, your relationship will too...it's normal. But do you want to be with a guy who's number one problem solving method is to cheat?

Before she found out we had been talking about a future together, about moving in together at some point but we wanted to take it slow and do it our way. She kind of spoiled that when she threw him out (and told my bf about the affair). Not spoiled, I guess, but made it more difficult, as a lot of drama and trauma followed.

We've been through tough times already, with his wife and then his kids hating me, but we've talked everything through and it makes us stronger, I think. We don't argue, we talk things through, something his wife didn't do. She would scream and shout and go crazy, but I'm not like that and it's one of the things that makes us good together: we both believe in talking things out rather than yelling and creating a scene. he couldn't take that with her anymore.

As far as the kids, no, i can't see being their stepmother, just a friend and a support to their dad. They have a mother already and are very close to her, so I can't see what I can add to that.

May 28, 2012

Did you get any of this information from his wife? Did you ask her how she felt in her marriage? If not...you know nothing.

His wife didn't want to end the marriage at the beginning but now she realizes it was over before he met me. She knew about one affair and discovered the rest when she found out about me (read his emails and FB messages). She told me everything and he admitted that there had been indescretions but they came when the marriage was crumlbing. When he met me it was already broken.

I think she didn't want to throw away all those years, but were they still in love? He wasn't. I don't know if she was. I understand it's a family and there were kids involved but he was miserable and now he is happy, other than the drama with the divorce and the kid's being unhappy with the situation.

I'm wondering how long kids take to get over things. My parents divorced when I was 16 (dad left for OW) but his kids are younger, 11 and 13, and they're taking it hard. I remember it taking me maybe a year to recover but now I'm fine with the D. I suppose it will be harder because they're younger but I think if they see that their dad is happy then eventually they'll come around.

May 28, 2012

By the way, I never wanted anyone to get hurt, although I realize that can't be avoided when a marriage breaks up. I have felt very badly about what the kids are going through and shed many tears when I think about it. Now, though, it's been 6 months and they're as nasty as ever with the emails and messages to me and I'm starting to think their mother is fanning the flames.

May 28, 2012

Now he found me and the marriage is over, so I suppose he found what he was looking for: me

He'd probably still be with his wife if she didn't kick him to the curb. His cake eating has stopped because his wife put a stop to it.

I would think long and hard about moving forward (especially having children with this man) because you're going to be his ex-wife in about a decade.

Edited May 28, 2012 by Alice2012

May 28, 2012

He'd probably still be with his wife if she didn't kick him to the curb. His cake eating has stopped because his wife put a stop to it.

I would think long and hard about moving forward because you're going to be her in about a decade.

Do you really think so? She's a little older than him and let herself go after the kids and I think that's part of what led them to being more roommates than anything else. They were great friends until she flipped when she found out about the affair with me and the other ones. Now they barely speak. This makes him quite sad as they were great friends for all their time together, it's just that the spark disappeared, the connection, the sexual thing.

I don't think I'll be that way with him because I work out, keep fit, I'm a lot of fun and we have a different relationship.

May 28, 2012

When you marry this man and have him all to yourself fulltime you will begin to understand why his wife is so angry. Do you think she started out this way? It makes me laugh when a MM points to his angry frothing at the mouth wife and whines "Seee what a bitch she is? See how mean she is to me?" LOL....At one time she was all lovey and googly eyed with him just as you are. She put her faith in him, married him and had his children. He betrayed her over and over again. She discovered his cheating and believed his apologies. He screwed around with her friend and his own collegues. He has no boundaries and he blames others for his own bad behavior. He could have walked any time he felt like it, but instead, like most conflict avoiders, he made her do his dirty work for him. Now he whines like he's a victim because he won't take responsibility for his own choices.

Since you are so young you probably view him as worldly and mature. Perhaps you think he is smarter than you and so you look up to him in a way. His ego loves that. Please come back in 5 or 10 years and let us know how wonderful you think he is then.

May 28, 2012

We don't argue, we talk things through, something his wife didn't do. She would scream and shout and go crazy, but I'm not like that and it's one of the things that makes us good together: we both believe in talking things out rather than yelling and creating a scene. he couldn't take that with her anymore.

Give it a good ten years with a few suspected, but not proven, affairs under his belt and you're not going to be so calm and serene. Once you start to get gaslighted like his wife has experienced, your life is going to be much different. Add children to the mix and it will be enough to make you "shout and go crazy."

I'm glad you've spoken with his "crazy" wife.

You can't say you weren't warned.

May 28, 2012

I don't think I'll be that way with him because I work out, keep fit, I'm a lot of fun and we have a different relationship.

At some point it's going to get exhausting trying to be "perfect" for this man. I'm sorry to say - he's going to cheat on you anyway . . . no matter how fit, fun and "different" you try to be.

May 28, 2012

Do you really think so? She's a little older than him and let herself go after the kids and I think that's part of what led them to being more roommates than anything else. They were great friends until she flipped when she found out about the affair with me and the other ones. Now they barely speak. This makes him quite sad as they were great friends for all their time together, it's just that the spark disappeared, the connection, the sexual thing.

I don't think I'll be that way with him because I work out, keep fit, I'm a lot of fun and we have a different relationship.

maybe you are right...we don't know him, and you do. All we can do on here is advise you based upon the things we have seen an experienced.

My question to you still stands. would he have left to be with you if she hadn't kicked him out, or would he have stayed, married to her with you "on the side"? ( please think about this based upon his actions and the facts that you know because you have seen them with your own eyes...not just what he tell you...words don't count for much, actions do)

To be honest, he could tell you anything he wants to about his wife, you have no real way of knowing if it's true or not just based upon what he tells you.

As for her kids, they may well be angry with you all on their own with no input from her. From their point of view, right or wrong, you are the one who caused their dad to leave...you are the reason their mom is hurting, and you arethe one who has disrupted their lives ( not saying they are right, but it's how they may be feeling)

about his other 'flings'...how do you know they were "just for sex'? From what you say, he cheated on you while he was cheating on his wife with you. Was that "just for sex" too? Were you not having sex t the time? Really think about that...to me, it sounds like he is someone who just isn't cut out for monogamy. If he's not, you can't change him, no matter how hard you try, how you look, how much you work out, how nice you are, how much ex you have, how much you "communicate" or how much fun you have. It's not your fault, it's in him. It sounds like you think that if you just try hard enough, he'll change and be loyal only to you. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you love him, he won't change.

May 28, 2012

When you marry this man and have him all to yourself fulltime you will begin to understand why his wife is so angry. Do you think she started out this way? It makes me laugh when a MM points to his angry frothing at the mouth wife and whines "Seee what a bitch she is? See how mean she is to me?" LOL....At one time she was all lovey and googly eyed with him just as you are. She put her faith in him, married him and had his children. He betrayed her over and over again. She discovered his cheating and believed his apologies. He screwed around with her friend and his own collegues. He has no boundaries and he blames others for his own bad behavior. He could have walked any time he felt like it, but instead, like most conflict avoiders, he made her do his dirty work for him. Now he whines like he's a victim because he won't take responsibility for his own choices.

Since you are so young you probably view him as worldly and mature. Perhaps you think he is smarter than you and so you look up to him in a way. His ego loves that. Please come back in 5 or 10 years and let us know how wonderful you think he is then.

The thing is, she knew about one affair but they worked it through and she took her part in why it happened. But then it went back to the way it was before teh affair, which is what led him to it and he realized that they should have just divorced at that point. But she was always a screamer, apparently, not great at sitting down and talking things through.

He is ver worldly, very successful, very together, yet also like a little boy in need of love and affection. What I admire about him is that he didn't pressure me to leave my bf. He waited for me and gave me the time I needed to make sure I was doing the right thing. And he did everything he could to be supportive and show me how much he loved me and that he loved me enough to say goodbye if I decided to stay with my bf.

And right now I more or less have him fulltime, except when he's with his kids. I've met his parents, they're nice, I've met a couple of his friends and they're nice to me as well.

We're taking it slow and not rushing meeting his kids or anything like that.

May 28, 2012

Give it a good ten years with a few suspected, but not proven, affairs under his belt and you're not going to be so calm and serene. Once you start to get gaslighted like his wife has experienced, your life is going to be much different. Add children to the mix and it will be enough to make you "shout and go crazy."

I'm glad you've spoken with his "crazy" wife.
You can't say you weren't warned.

We've talked about his affairs and we've agreed to talk about these things before it ever happens. Obviously there's a bit of a trust issue but then again we both cheated, so it's on both sides. We're aware of this but remember that she never knew he was having affairs until the one she found out about and then me, which is when she found out about most of the rest, which were mainly EA's.

Kids is another issue, as I figure I'll want some at some point but not sure how that will work with his current kids.

May 28, 2012

Do you really think so? She's a little older than him and let herself go after the kids and I think that's part of what led them to being more roommates than anything else. They were great friends until she flipped when she found out about the affair with me and the other ones. Now they barely speak. This makes him quite sad as they were great friends for all their time together, it's just that the spark disappeared, the connection, the sexual thing.

I don't think I'll be that way with him because I work out, keep fit, I'm a lot of fun and we have a different relationship.

It doesn't matter who you are, it's not about you. People are what they are. This is a guy who lied and cheated with multiple women throughout his marriage. He is still that guy. What do people do when they are unhappy and dissatisfied in their relationships? Well if they are honest people with integrity they attempt to fix the problems and when that doesn't work they leave the relationship. I myself have managed to end a few relationships without resorting to cheating. Nobody can MAKE me cheat. It's a choice. Sometimes good people make bad choices, but this guy has a history of making the same bad choice over and over again, so I'd say he has some real issues. However, as long as he has someone like you to cheerlead him on, he will never address himself.

May 28, 2012

Do you really think so?

Yes I do. And if his wife didn't have her feet firmly planted in the ground with dumping him, he'd probably be trying to win her back . . . behind your back . . . regardless of what he tells you about his feelings for her. He will probably try to get her back at some point - and he'll likely be relentless.

I cannot even tell you how many stories the BS have about their STXH's trying to win them back right up until the papers being signed . . . and even after the divorce is final. All the while making all these "plans" with their OW - the backup plan until the very end.

That's what narcissists do. The thought of their wives (the ones they claim to despise) moving on, not wanting them, drives them crazy. Then they usually wind up going home . . . because of the kids of source . . . once the wife relents and takes them back.

Don't be surprised if this happens in your case, especially if the wife is not done with him.

Edited May 28, 2012 by Alice2012

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