kiababy Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 Last night I received my regular 2:30 a.m. call from my MM "...I'm at a bar, please come and get me ..." for 6 months I've been saying 'no - tell your buddies to take you home'...last night I said that, but this time he said "Well I'm coming there anyway..." I said 'NO YOU'RE NOT, don't you dare try to drive that truck!!!' I begged him to put his friend on the phone (who I had just spoken to earlier that day because MM said his buddy didn't believe anything he had told him about me so he wanted me to talk to him and the guy questioned me for 15 minutes.....).... his phone started beeping and his battery ran out before anything else could be said. Whew, I thought, the guys will take him home now. Instead, half an hour later he called again, this time there was no bar noise in the background and he said he had been outside in his truck getting some air and he had sobered up. "I hope you know I'm coming over there tonight". No, I said, I don't want you to do anything you will regret in the morning. "I won't regret it in the morning...I'm coming over there......" I said 'You can't - my boys are home tonight!'.....he said "I'll be quiet, I promise I won't wake them up. I'm coming there now' I went downstairs and lay on my couch, certain that his buddies would have the good sense to go look for him in the bar parking lot and take his keys away. AN HOUR LATER - that's how far away he had been - he called again - now it was 4:00 a.m....."I'm around the corner from your house" So I let him in, refused his request to go upstairs and sleep in my bed, and made up my couch for him. I slept on the FLOOR beside the couch (I had never been with him when he was intoxicated before, had no idea what to expect), and around 7:00 a.m. I woke him up and told him to go home. He was unhappy but he was sober enough to drive so he left. I swore I would never have him over when the kids were there, but he came over anyway. Thank god they never knew. Little by little he's getting out of control. Now he calls me up to 4 times a day, I can't think straight. Last night I was still awake at 2:30 a.m. because I couldn't sleep - I stayed up and had my bible in my hand, I wanted to open it up and start reading whatever passage I came across, looking for some kind of spiritual guidance......before I could open it up - he called. I don't know many of you believe in the devil - I sure do ..........
sinner Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 This guy is spinning out of control. I'd be very, very careful because he has boundary issues. Where was the MM's wife in this drunken melodrama? Next time he's sh#tfaced and wants to come over, tell him you'll call his wife to pick him up. That will put a chill in the air.
Author kiababy Posted June 27, 2004 Author Posted June 27, 2004 Good suggestion...but I swore I would never do to him what the chick that called his wife last year did....tell me something Sinner, did you read my post about his kidnap fantasy about me? Do you think I need to be worried about anything?
Author kiababy Posted June 27, 2004 Author Posted June 27, 2004 There was also his suggestion that I get a 'girlfriend' that looks like him.....because he doesn't like the idea of me dating other men anymore. They're both in my 'Love Addiction' thread.
sinner Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 No, I had not read those threads. kia, honey, you have cause for concern. He's obsessed with you. You might have a stalking situation. Does your MM have a criminal history? Was he abusive with you? Is he a control freak? What's the best way to get him out of your life? Another boyfriend? Threaten to go to his wife? Getting a protection from abuse order? The guy sounds angry-obsessed, and that's not a good thing.
Author kiababy Posted June 27, 2004 Author Posted June 27, 2004 Angry obsessed? I don't think so at all! We play rough - he is sexually dominant - but he's always concerned about not hurting me, asking me if I'm o.k. I never feel afraid when I'm with him. Sometimes it does seem as if he's trying to get something out of his system but if he's angry, it's at his wife's rejection, I don't think it's directed towards me at all. Outside of the bedroom he's very very tender and never puts me down. In fact, he calls me to tell me how 'awesome' and 'special' I am to him. I don't take his repeated "I'm not going anywhere' comments as threatening, more as reassurance.
Author kiababy Posted June 27, 2004 Author Posted June 27, 2004 By the way, he has no criminal record that I know of, he's really a happy-go-lucky laid back easy-going guy. Every other weekend he goes up north (with the wife) back to their hometown to visit his parents. Thanks for your concern, you are a dear
littleflowerpot Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 i would be concerned about his boundary issues. no should always mean no. and keep taking care of you and the babies. btw, i'm the same way. my attached man never came over when my daughter was home.
Author kiababy Posted June 27, 2004 Author Posted June 27, 2004 Thanks for your concern too sweetie, it sure helps to get other perspectives on the situation. I guess my 'no' wasn't strong enough; I didn't really say 'you can't' as much as 'you shouldn't'. Funny how when things progress slowly, certain behaviours start to feel 'normal'. Anyways, he just needed to feel wanted last night, he probably wouldn't get that if he went home...he was out drinking after all. Surprisingly, he wasn't all nasty and smelly, he was still clean and adorable.
Author kiababy Posted June 27, 2004 Author Posted June 27, 2004 I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about 'Love Addiction', and analyzing each and every sypmtom. I had to acknowledge that I am manipulative. I thought about it very carefully. I think about what I want him to say to me during each conversation and damned if I don't figure out ways to make him say what I want to hear! Of course he says whatever he's feeling but I can twist and turn the conversation to stay on a certain track. I do that to everybody - my daughter, my sons....I even think I do it to my BOSS!!! Holy crap! I can recall times when I wanted him to have MY opinion of things going on in the office, so I would toss away little comments to plant thoughts in his head. My MM is not dominant - I let him THINK he's dominant....I put ideas into his head about what I WANT him to do, knowing full well that he'll take the next step and think it was his idea. I've learned to read men well......and the ones I can't control are the ones I toss away....the ones I can manipulate are the ones I hang onto. I was not the 'victim' who said 'no' and was ignored....he drove over here of his own accord but in reporting the progression of the conversation I conveniently 'forgot' the parts between 'no don't come over' and 'yes I'm coming there' where I said "....I would give ANYTHING to see you tonight but......" I LET HIM IN BECAUSE: 1. Let's face it, I wanted to feel 'wanted' too - I loved the fact that he would have to drive an hour to be with me; 2. I KNEW he would call that night: earlier in the day he told me he was going drinking that night, I made sure he knew I would be home and planted some naughty thoughts in his head that he would be thinking about the rest of the day...plus, when I spoke to his buddy on the phone, I used my most sexy, seductive whispery voice using the excuse "I have to talk quietly, people are around me here in the office...." I knew they would be talking about me the rest of the day and probably when they went to the bar after work....... 3. He represents every guy I COULD NOT HAVE during my skinny, nerdy days in high school...he's the gorgeous blond jock whose head I stared at the back of in class; I never had one date all through high school. Not one. 4. I'm 42 and it's as flattering as hell to have a 26 year-old who wants to be with me. I've found the perfect 'victim' for my own dysfunction: the combination of attention/adoration and seeming indifference (I NEVER call him first), keeps him coming back for more. I've figured out what his needs are and I fill them. As soon as I get an inkling of what his 'kinks' are I play into them.
Author kiababy Posted June 27, 2004 Author Posted June 27, 2004 I am not applying this to Spock, Nubianangel, Littleflowerpot or any of the other OW by the way. These are MY control issues.
Mr Spock Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 I think that he's acting this way because you allow him to. I think if you hung up on him the next time he called like that he'd smarten the hell up. Just like those people that rant and rave and want to have someone beg and plead and calm them down. You at least deserve an adult, you know what I mean?
Author kiababy Posted June 27, 2004 Author Posted June 27, 2004 You are so right girlfriend! I've been encouraging his bad behaviour all along. Letting him be out-of-control because I tell him it's o.k. and coo "...you're not perfect darling, and you don't have to be....." I'm so ashamed. I don't like myself AT ALL today
Mr Spock Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 Well, just remember for next time. One of the things I HATED about myself with MM is that I was so desparate for contact I would pretty much take what I could get-something you wouldn't do in a normal relationship. So, even though you want and NEED to see him, if he calls again like that say "It's RUDE to call me at this time" and hang up.
Author kiababy Posted June 27, 2004 Author Posted June 27, 2004 All I really had to do is turn off my cell phone. It really is all my fault. And as far as deserving an adult - until I grow up and become an adult myself...how can I be with a balanced, mature man? I have nothing to bring to a real relationship right now; except for.....all of my issues.
Mr Spock Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 Kia, that self depricating stuff is what keeps you mired down. Don't say "I don't DESERVE this because I have issues. " Who the heck doesn't? Sure you deserve a great relationship. It may just take some work.
Author kiababy Posted June 27, 2004 Author Posted June 27, 2004 Thank you for the words of support, it's kinda hard right now not to think everything is all my fault. But it takes two to tango right? I was happy to hear about your date by the way
Mr Spock Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 I am happy too. It was just what I needed. Not really a date-more of a shacking up but I needed that too!!
Debster Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 Kiababy, I am concerned about what to me appears to be his increasingly, controlling, manipulative behaviour. It definitely sounds like he is beginning to lose touch with the reality of his situation. He has a wife. You are not his. He can't control your actions. I know you want to downgrade the kidnap fantasy, but I'm sorry, that is crossing the line, IMO. There are a number of increasing sickos out there - especially near Toronto - that have started to act out their fantasy of kidnapping and sexually assaulting women (and children). Now, I am NOT saying that he is one of them, or will be, but just that this behaviour is concerning and especially with recent events it should not be encouraged. I am also concerned about the fact that you admit to encouraging this behaviour. While I understand why you had him stay over and I applaud you for making him sleep on your couch, he has no right to call you at those hours and go to your house against your wishes. Your children were there. He is not respecting your choices. Plus, the fact that he would drive drunk to me is disgusting and shows a total disregard for other people's safety. I suggest that when he is sober, you talk to him and tell him that you do not appreciate his drunken calls. That it is not appropriate. That you will be turning your cell phone off when you now he is going out drinking and that he will not be welcome at your house. THEN STICK TO IT. Kia, I really hope you know what you are doing here. He is bringing you down and he sounds like he is really starting to lose control. Be safe.
Author kiababy Posted June 28, 2004 Author Posted June 28, 2004 I know, I know Deb.....it's bad. This morning he called to apologize and say he felt like a total jerk for: calling in the middle of the night; for driving drunk and for coming over when my kids were in the house. He was worried that I'd hate him.... but said he 'needed' to be with me that night and thought it was totally worth it.... I'm feel like a jerk too - I'm feeling this heightened sense of excitement/danger......and enjoying it because I actually FEEL something. As far as the kidnap thing, I swear I was never worried or scared for one moment. The mood was no different from any other role play game. I promise I will be more careful with him, I honestly do care about him and don't want anything bad to happen.
Debster Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 I am very happy in my relationship and looking forward to my wedding (less than two months) and I just had my 2nd shower this past weekend. Things are going wonderfully. But they were not always this way. - mind you with my fiance, things were always wonderful. I've had my share of relationships that weren't healthy. The first time I came to this board was because of my insecurity in an old relationship. Tough love from posters, especially Tony (although I don't see his posts here anymore) made me wise up to the situation and recognize that I deserved better. From that point on, I've learned to recognize when my behaviour or decisions might be self-destructive and it helps me face things head on. It might not work for you, but who knows. It might. I'm feel like a jerk too - I'm feeling this heightened sense of excitement/danger......and enjoying it because I actually FEEL something. The next time you want to FEEL something or do something self destructive, pinch yourself. If that doesn't work, pinch harder. I often find a pinch 'with a twist' is quite painful. It made me cognizant of the fact that I knew my actions could bring me pain but made me own up to it at the start instead of thinking 'it won't happen to me.' That little bit of pain from pinching yourself is far smaller than the pain of getting your heart broken. I can just imagine how some people are going to just jump all over this and say that I am encouraging self-mutilation. I think I know you enough to know that you'll understand the premise behind what I'm saying.
Author kiababy Posted June 28, 2004 Author Posted June 28, 2004 I do know what you're saying sweetie. And thanks for that insight into a little of what brought you to this site. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials; I envy you so much, having a wonderful relationship with someone you love and who loves you back. I want to feel like that too. By the way, I was surprised that you described my MM's behaviour as manipulative and controlling....I thought I was the one being controlling and manipulative?
Debster Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 I just wanted to let you know that just because things are going well with me, it doesn't mean that I can't understand or remember what it feels like to be hurt, or to feel the pain of breaking up, etc. I think you both are acting very controlling and manipulative. It doesn't seem to be a very caring, nurturing type of bond. Maybe that is not what you guys want, but anyways, I do see controlling, manipulative behaviour on both sides. Thanks for the warm wishes. I too, do wish you all the best. I hope you find the strength to demand a relationship that brings nothing but happiness. I know it is a hard and rare thing to find, but it is SO worth it. Please take care. I admit, I am troubled by your recent posts.
Author kiababy Posted June 28, 2004 Author Posted June 28, 2004 I appreciate your concern so much Deb. You know that expression that things will get worse before they get better? Maybe that's what will happen with me. This has to be the low point for both of us, it has to get better from here. I always think that his acting out is meant to get attention and maybe to force some kind of 'showdown' with his wife. Then maybe they can work out their problems. I think he drinks waaayyyy too much and I'm puzzled as to why she allows him to go out on 'all-niters' drinking at all. We are just no good for each other - together we're completely out of control I discard too many of my boundaries when I'm with him. This has to stop.
Recommended Posts