Moonlight2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Basically my ex of 2 years, if we can even call it a relationship, he broke up with me over a week ago and said he wasn't attracted to me. The week before we were completely fine though. But I guess the red flag was that he wanted me to lose weight, and is a bit shallow like that. But I'm only a bit chubby and I'm actually losing weight and working out and doing something about it. (Oh well his loss right?) He wanted to marry someone slim and sexy and very good looking with the amazing personality to boot because he is a qualified Doctor now. So clearly he had to cut me loose because I'm not good enough for him anymore. Obviously we all know that his mindset is flawed and delusioned, and if he doesn't change this, he going to be very unhappy in his married life isn't he? Then last Tuesday he emailed me saying he wasn't sure whether he should contact me but didn't care and was going to anyway. He further went on to say he misses me a lot and thinks about me, and although we didn't work out, he still cares for me and wonders how I am doing. But I know this is the guilt talking. How else am I going to be?! What is it going to gain knowing how I've been? I've been feeling absolutely wonderful (not!). Then he confused me when he said he thinks about me and misses me a lot. It's like why tell me that? You can't miss someone you don't want anymore. Can someone please help me out here what is going on in his head? Because I just can't fathom anything at the moment.
Sugarkane Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 From my experience they contact mostly for a ego boost. 1
jennisfora Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 alleviate guilt. that's why mine reaches out. that and i think now he is curious, because i did nc for awhile. but still mostly guilt. 1
Derevko Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Even though I was the dumper, it has been a struggle not to contact my ex. We were best friends. We shared a closeness and chemistry that few people in this world do. And letting go of something so special, so rare, is quite difficult. Yeah, most people probably do break NC for ego purposes. But some just truly miss their ex's, or more specifically what life was like with them before things went bad. I am nearing the 4-month mark of no contact. And no, I won't be breaking it. But I can understand why some do.
Own Worst Enemy Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Now he says he loves me but there is a physical problem (i am fatter than i'd like, but only 10-14lbs at the very most, hardly obese!). Yet he still clings on and emails/texts me about 15 times a day and tells me absolutely everything. A lot of my friends have said to me - and it's really not that I mean to make this all about me! It's just that if they are right about my guy, they are right about yours - that this is his issue, not mine, and that he can't cope with what it should have been, so he is looking for reasons to blame me rather than himself. Shallow douches are exactly that. You will do brilliantly if you keep toning up and meet someone who is capable of giving you what you deserve. Don't be a muppet like me and text him back!!!
carhill Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Can someone please help me out here what is going on in his head? Unknown. We can speculate. NC is generally utilized in a healthy way to heal one's psyche after a breakup/separation/divorce. Not caring about "what is going on in his head" is part of the goal. A couple of questions: 1. Did you and he specifically agree to NC? If yes, why are you reading his e-mails? 2. If you unilaterally enacted NC, he could be unaware. If that case, why haven't you deleted his contact information and/or changed your own to prevent contact? See the thread in my signature for more information. Good luck.
Author Moonlight2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 Well we knew it was a proper goodbye, and wished eachother best in the future, although he was the one who broke it off. And I did delete all his contact details and as for my email address, I didn't realise he would ever remember the email add considering it's been dormant for a year! I just realised he is a real narcissist and that the way I have been feeling, is because he has narcissistic tendencies, that's why I haven't felt "normal" or the same as anyone else who suffers from heartbreak. He would never show empathy and would say it was because he isn't expressive, but it's like when I needed him, he was never there anyway, or would get bored of hearing me out, and then he would strive for me to be at perfection (e.g. lose weight, make my hair look thicker, dress differently) and those are the traits of a narcissist! He never felt anything for me. I was just an object he used, and it all makes sense now, why he was never interested in how my day went or what was going on in my life, he just wanted his ego to be inflated all the time, because he felt he is a Doctor now, that he has to have the complete best. I feel better now and starting to move on. This guy never going to feel love and compassion for anyone.
Frank13 Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Even though I was the dumper, it has been a struggle not to contact my ex. We were best friends. We shared a closeness and chemistry that few people in this world do. And letting go of something so special, so rare, is quite difficult. Yeah, most people probably do break NC for ego purposes. But some just truly miss their ex's, or more specifically what life was like with them before things went bad. I could have written the same thing, but for me it has been 5 months. I miss my best friend so much. I don't have anyone else. No one to talk to or do things with. I have tried making new friends but can't. It took a long time for me and my ex to become close and build up a level of trust. I just am not going to be able to replace that anytime soon.
Author Moonlight2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Author Posted May 29, 2012 I could have written the same thing, but for me it has been 5 months. I miss my best friend so much. I don't have anyone else. No one to talk to or do things with. I have tried making new friends but can't. It took a long time for me and my ex to become close and build up a level of trust. I just am not going to be able to replace that anytime soon. That's how I am feeling. Two years he was my best friend. How can they not think that they can't replace it? And just dump us?
Pens55 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Moonlight, he is chasing something something he will probably never find. If there is the perfect woman out there, I'd like to meet her... The problem is, some people view relationships and significant others as material possessions. He bought a shiny new car (you), but decided to trade it in for something better (!! only "better in his mind!!). I really feel that these types of people's love only goes as far as your usefulness to them. Dont worry, you seem to have your head on straight and will meet another person who loves you for exactly who you are. On the other hand, he will be searching for his perfect woman for a long time...and there's a strong possibility his search will lead him to realize how good he had it with you. Good luck, and consider it a blessing in disguise!
Author Moonlight2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Moonlight, he is chasing something something he will probably never find. If there is the perfect woman out there, I'd like to meet her... The problem is, some people view relationships and significant others as material possessions. He bought a shiny new car (you), but decided to trade it in for something better (!! only "better in his mind!!). I really feel that these types of people's love only goes as far as your usefulness to them. Dont worry, you seem to have your head on straight and will meet another person who loves you for exactly who you are. On the other hand, he will be searching for his perfect woman for a long time...and there's a strong possibility his search will lead him to realize how good he had it with you. Good luck, and consider it a blessing in disguise! That is so kind and sweet of you! I think I found something quite alarming about him, and that he is a narcissist! So it's kinda thrown me off the ball a bit, but everything about a narcissist fits him, lack of empathy for other people, self absorbed, deluded ideas about what a wife should be like (fit body etc), the grandipose feeling he expressed from time to time because he is a Doctor, never being around when I needed him, but when he needed me and I wasn't around he would make me feel really rubbish about it, although I was there for him ALL the time. I feel kinda better that I am out of it, but him sending me that email was clearly a power and control thing for him. He needed a ego boost and "supply" that he was so great. Now I have a feeling this won't be the last I have heard from him. You are right, because that's what happens when people dump you cruelly when you have done nothing wrong, because they think they can get "better", or "grass is greener on the other side", then they realise crap, it is not like that, lemme run back and see if this person wants me since I knew how much they were into me. But no way.. This person has seen the light. You didn't appreciate me this time, you won't ever appreciate me because you are a NARCISSIST!!!! You will never change or feel empathy.
Pens55 Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 That's the spirit! I like to think that just about all of us on these boards are compassionate people and really care about others as people. So we come here to mourn, whine, complain, etc....and we eventually get better, learn that we deserve better and then eventually meet the person that makes us truely happy. The people on the other side of the coin will wade through life feeling miserable (probably diguising it) and will never be happy in the moment with another person. It sucks right now, but we all bounce back stronger...and your ex will still be the same person he always was. Not good enough for you
Recommended Posts