themusichorse Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I haven't been on here in a while. My ex broke up with me in September of 2011 and even though it has been a while I still really miss him. The hard part for me is I think about him a lot and about all the things that he taught me and the good times that we had and sometimes I'm reminded of the bad times we had. He stayed with me for 3.5 years and he was my first real boyfriend and the only thing that had been consistent in my life for a long time. I'm not going to lie I did put him through a lot of things and I deeply regret the things that I did to him, things that I said and all the emotional pain I caused him when he was with me. He really did everything he could for me when we were together given my situation was very unstable (I wasn't able to pay for my rent, food and other things and most of the time he'd do everything he could to help since we'd been together). I had became really depressed in the relationship and sought counseling but I lost my health insurance so I was no longer able to get counseling, but even so I had many things that were interfering with our relationship and it became too much for him to handle. I'm not going to go into more details because then I'd be writing a book on here and I don't want to do that. But the hard part is he deleted me as a friend in February and blocked me out of his life telling me that he didn't know who I was and didn't want anything to do with me. That was hard especially since he sat there and was telling me about his other girlfriend he already had and how it didn't work out. He told me that he was going to wait for me to get better from my depression when he broke up with me but the night he deleted me in February he told me that he never intended on waiting and did I really think he was telling the truth....that really hurt. He said he didn't know who I was anymore and didn't know if he wanted to which was hard and I really wanted him to be in my life still. About a month ago I checked to see if some of my pictures with me and him and my friends were still up online and they were so I had checked to see if he still had me blocked and he unblocked me. I don't understand why he unblocked me to this day and I won't get it bc he told me he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. But I texted him in April and asked him how he was and he didn't know who it was told me that he lost his contacts and I told him it was me and his response was oh hey whats up. My response was not much just busy and when I asked him how he was doing he said he was good just doing the usual dance school and work...then he asked me what I wanted and I told him I wanted to see how he was doing...he then said okay now lets go back to the part where we dont talk bc my life has been great these past few months and I'd kinda like to keep it that way thanks....That hurt really badly. I understand why he feels that way about me and I wish I could change that so that we could start over and be friends again. I just have so much guilt and feel bad for the way that the relationship ended and feel like I owe him an apology and I sincerely do mean it....since I do feel it was partly my fault for the things that caused him to leave me. Should I let him know or text him and tell him that I'm deeply sorry for all that I put him through and that he was right about the things he told me? I feel like if I don't then those words will be left unsaid and I'll have to live without knowing that I never told him how sorry I was for all I put him through and that he didn't deserve it....I mean I do still miss him and wish that I could've fixed things but I'm not expecting to get back together with him because he has clearly moved on and I'm working to do the same...but the pain of missing him is still there and the love I felt for him is still there. I mean do any of you honestly think I'm going to hear from him again in my life say years down the road? Should I not even say anything to him about how deeply sorry I am for what I did in the relationship? Thanks I hope to hear about your opinions and insight, and I know I'm expecting to get many different opinions and advice which will all be appreciated. I'll evaluate from there what would be the best course of action based upon the advice/opinions I receive.
Radu Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I think you should let it go, both for your and his sake. No contact is supposed to be no contact, having some contact in no contact gets you back to square one. The way i see it you are : 1 - hoping for a reconcilliation and deluding yourself saying that you just 'want to apologize' ... he is afraid of this so he avoids you and he will keep avoiding you 2 - very selfish, and want to remove the guilt you have by asking him to forgive you ... in which case he figured it out and is desperate to keep NC on Either way, you have a problem accepting no, which is something you might want to look into.
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