blasteroid Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I've been dating a goirl for around 3 months, shes great and we get on well but shes been single a long time and has a core of friends..which is fairplay. However, one of them in a not QUITE out the closet gayman alledgedly. Anyway she talks about him a lot although shes doesn't so much now, because last month I asked her if she had any vacations booked i.e without me because shes always holidayed a lot. She replied yes..with her 'gay'friend, just the 2 of them. It seems this was booked fairly early in our initial dating so that kind of disarms me a little, however I cant seem to shake the feeling theres something creepy about it, I trust her, but HIM? Hes dated girls and they're both gonna be gettin drunk every night and going back to the room. Is this a 'normal' thing these days?
DontWorryBHappy Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 So are you positive he's gay? Just wondering if it's possible he's bi, being that he's dated girls. Or maybe he was just confused during that time and was still figuring out that he was gay. In any case, I do understand your feelings. If I had a boyfriend who was going away with a lesbian friend I wouldn't be cool with it even if she's only into girls, because at the end of the day I feel I should be the only woman to sleep with my guy. Gay or straight, I feel there should be boundaries between you and the opposite sex while you're in a relationship. I'll give you an example. Once I went to a gay friend's house and slept in his bed with him. The guy is so gay, so of course nothing was ever going to happen (and didn't) so it was cool. However, I would consider myself to be totally out of line if I had done that while in a relationship, even knowing that nothing would ever happen.
dasein Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 In this kind of situation, you are kind of stuck, because the plans were made before you were an exclusive couple. Yes, it's weird, and yes, there are the same kinds of risks as her going with a straight guy friend. In your shoes, I'd try to subtly get to know this guy, his circumstances and dating habits first hand in time. Same for all her friends. But you are kind of SOL in expressing any discomfort at this particular situation and not coming off controlling. All future trips with anyone that don't include the SO, male or female, should be discussed before planning whether it's you or her taking the trips.
Joaquin Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I presume her asking you along is out of the question. That aside, this is one of those situations you just gotta bite your tongue and trust her. If you've got something good going on it'll all be fine.
Author blasteroid Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 she did ask but i felt i'd be kinda forcing my way in and that would have felt wrong..as would demanding she cancel, which I did initially and then retracted... that would be something i'd never hear the end of. Shes been on holiday with this guy before, shes adamant nothing has ever happened and hes been good friends with all her ex's..she doesn't look at him that way etc. My concerns tend to be around the fact that they're drinking and going back to the room..seperate beds but same room. This was booked at a time when I had no real sway so I've just gotta bite the bullet and hope it doesn't go off in my mouth.
InJest Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 If he's not fully out, I wouldn't trust it. Even if he is gay, girls make out with their gay friends all the time and let them feel them up, and all kinds of stuff. You can also be damn sure they will be sleeping in the same bed. You should suggest that you two go back to 'just dating' for a while since you're not comfortable with this kind of thing. Tell her that this way she's free to do what she wants, and you won't have to about it. Hopefully she'll see how much this hurts you and will cancel. If not, you should definitely start seeing other girls along with her.
Author blasteroid Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 well she went and is now back. i did flip on the phone after a few days of pretending i was cool with the whole thing. Going for food together, spending all day together, drinking at night together...the whole thing was just WRONG if you're in a relationship...seemed spooky. The night after she got back i told her i was working cos i just didnt wanna look at her. so she came down the next night and we had a drink and everything else but I'm not sure about things now. Being under that kinda pressure for 7-8 nights has changed something in me. Could just be resentment, or its damaged my trust.
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