Success in OLD vs. IRL

May 28, 2012

Hi everybody,

I started dating again sometime late last year and I seem to have much more success getting dates and meeting women through OLD sites vs. in real life. I'm not sure why this is. I think the thing preventing me from any measure of success IRL is the same reason the relationships I do start from OLD tend to fizzle out after awhile.

I think I have a good online profile and have something to offer, and so do better than average. I barely send out initial contact anymore and get several emails or winks a day worth following up on. I can easily fill up a week with dates if I so choose. I'm not saying this to boast and I appreciate this is a good problem to have. It's just my reality and to offer some background. I'm a humble guy for the most part. Anyway, I've become 'involved' (i.e. five or more dates and/or weeks of hanging out) with three different women so far in the past 6 months (at different times of course) but they all ended with her calling it off, citing that something 'just doesn't feel right'.

In real life, I guess I just sometimes lack the nerve to approach women or tense up in the worst moments and my body language goes south. That has happened on dates with women I've met online also (especially at first), so there seems to be something that I can't seem to figure out that is preventing me from getting to 'the next level'. I can't really pinpoint what it is that causes me to 'choke'. I think I'm doing the right things at the right times, but ultimately, things just seem to be 'off' at times.

Is it normal for this to happen at times when you are with someone? Are people able to be natural all the time? How do you channel that when the nerves start kicking in? Or am I overthinking this and blaming myself for no reason, and this is just the nature of OLD (that women seem to bail out abruptly or at the first hint of incompatibility)? My friends seem to think I've just been unlucky, but at some point I have to look at myself and what my part is.

When I'm able to be myself, I feel like I can get along with whatever company I am in, but for whatever reason, I'm not always able to be myself 100% of the time and doubts creep in, which saps my confidence and leads to awkwardness....at least that's what I feel.

I think the reason I get away with this online (aside from not having any expectations from it) is because I can take my time to formulate my responses, and tweak my profile without the pressure I put on myself when in someone's company.

Anyway, if you've read this and have any insight, that would be great.

Thanks

May 28, 2012

I think OP what you need is a lot of practice basically. There are male posters here who have used OLD on a regular basis and some say they started off just chatting with girls because their confidence level wasn't great and they steadily progressed to dates and eventually relationships. They still say after years of experience women still flake on them, etc but they do have relationships.

Practice makes perfect OP, keep talking to girls, keep going on dates, perhaps a little more assertiveness on your part would work well, it sounds like some of the girls are losing patience if you are hanging out on a regular basis without much happening. Talk to shop assistants in real life, talk to girls behind the bar, try to socialise with them even without asking them out just to get used to reacting to them in a more natural way. No need to have your stakes too high all the time.

Try to relate to us better by talking to females whenever you can without pressure, that will relax you more and make it easier to reach the next level.

Edited May 28, 2012 by Emilia

May 28, 2012

I think you're proving one of my theories, OP, that people who do most of their dating online are spinning their wheels for lack of ability IRL, hoping against hope that it won't become an issue when they meet people in person every now and again.

I agree with Emilia's advice. Meet people IRL, doesn't matter if they're women you wanna date or not, just women in general. Old ladies at the grocery store, women with their kids in the park or walking their dog, whatever. When you get more comfortable with women IRL you won't need the dating sites anymore, they'll just be a third (or 4th or 5th) option for you and you'll do fine.

May 28, 2012

If you're finding plenty of dates through OLD, and none of them are resulting in a relationship, then there is something about you that is turning them off. If you are socially awkward, then that can be a deal breaker. If you don't know how to romantically progress in a relationship, that can end it for women, since they may not feel any real chemistry. If you have any personality characteristics that women don't like--such as if you are controlling, boring, uninteresting, too quiet, etc., that can be a dealbreaker for women. So I'm guessing there's something about you that is turning women off, since OLD does work for a lot of people, so it's not the medium, it's you. Sorry. I suggest you try to figure out what it is that's ruining your chances at relationships--maybe consult with a trusted friend or relative or counselor to get some insight, and work on whatever is holding you back.

May 28, 2012

If you're finding plenty of dates through OLD, and none of them are resulting in a relationship, then there is something about you that is turning them off. If you are socially awkward, then that can be a deal breaker. If you don't know how to romantically progress in a relationship, that can end it for women, since they may not feel any real chemistry. If you have any personality characteristics that women don't like--such as if you are controlling, boring, uninteresting, too quiet, etc., that can be a dealbreaker for women. So I'm guessing there's something about you that is turning women off, since OLD does work for a lot of people, so it's not the medium, it's you. Sorry. I suggest you try to figure out what it is that's ruining your chances at relationships--maybe consult with a trusted friend or relative or counselor to get some insight, and work on whatever is holding you back.

Thanks for nothing.

OP I think a couple of posts further up are really helpful to you. I'm sure you are not boring nor controlling, just need to relax a bit.

May 28, 2012

Thanks for nothing.

OP I think a couple of posts further up are really helpful to you. I'm sure you are not boring nor controlling, just need to relax a bit.

So you know this man, and how he comes off in person? You can just tell that there is nothing he needs to work on and there is no reason women are rejecting him? Well, I guess that makes you psychic, if you can see all that from a few words on a message board. I'm not implying that the OP is any of those things, I am saying there must be something about him (that none of us can see from reading a post on a message board) that these women are finding offputting, and his best bet to figure out what this is is to consult people in real life who can actually see and witness everything that goes on with him and would be much better able to give constructive advice on what he might work on than strangers on a message board looking at a few sentences. My advice was to consult with people whom he knows and trusts in real life about what might be the problem, since they are in a much better position to figure out what that might be. I'm not suggesting it is any of the things I threw out there, but it is obviously something. I don't think placating the OP and telling him everything's fine, just keep plugging away, is doing him any favors when he has had repeated failure with OLD. Denying there is a problem is not going to bring about any change. Finding out what the problem is is the first step to helping his situation. And that is not something we can accurately gauge on a message board.

May 28, 2012

Thanks for nothing.

OP I think a couple of posts further up are really helpful to you. I'm sure you are not boring nor controlling, just need to relax a bit.

Honestly it's a little annoying how people such as yourself jump down someone's throat for just stating an opinion. If she feels that the OP may be doing something to turn women off, why sugarcoat that? She may actually be right, you know. Not everyone is a bitch just because they are being honest and pointing out something that the OP may not want to hear. Now I'm not saying she's right. Maybe the OP just has bad luck. But it doesn't hurt to consider Kathy's view too.

Edited May 28, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy

May 28, 2012

Okay... Back on track from the cat fight.

As a guy who has used OLD for a while, some of the things Kathy said actually held true for me. I had no problem getting dates online, but in person I'd choke on taking things to the next level. I had no problem scoring that kiss, but after that I'd freeze when going further. Your issue seems to be from your in-person skills, not your online dating skills. Maybe that's why you're having more luck getting those numbers online - you're alot more internet savvy than you are interpersonal savvy.

I'd recommend what I did - taking a break from online dating and focusing on meeting/talking to new women in the real world. You're having trouble there because your skillset needs some work - and in the end, even if you meet that person online, eventually you're going to be face to face. Those are the skills you need to develop

May 28, 2012

If you're finding plenty of dates through OLD, and none of them are resulting in a relationship, then there is something about you that is turning them off. If you are socially awkward, then that can be a deal breaker. If you don't know how to romantically progress in a relationship, that can end it for women, since they may not feel any real chemistry. If you have any personality characteristics that women don't like--such as if you are controlling, boring, uninteresting, too quiet, etc., that can be a dealbreaker for women. So I'm guessing there's something about you that is turning women off, since OLD does work for a lot of people, so it's not the medium, it's you. Sorry. I suggest you try to figure out what it is that's ruining your chances at relationships--maybe consult with a trusted friend or relative or counselor to get some insight, and work on whatever is holding you back.

This isn't entirely true. I have had 'relationships'. The women I've met from OLD sites and that I was interested in enough to pursue were all mutually interested enough to get together for a second or even third date. One relationship lasted over two months. Another, several weeks. Things were really going well with both until they abruptly backed off and bailed. So I know I have it in me I just don't know where I'm losing it. Or it just takes that long to see incompatibilities? I will admit I have some things that could give some pause: still paperwork pending on a divorce (no drama, nothing messy), and I also live a sober lifestyle (after years of not). I am open about these things upfront. I know the sobriety thing was something one of them couldn't deal with, though she tried. I'm not at all on edge and am comfortable in normal social settings such as a bar or at parties...so that's not my problem.

Anyway, my friends who I talk to all agree that I've just been unlucky with some of these. That doesn't seem to be a good enough answer for me, and I'm not looking for a sugarcoated explanation. I feel like in both of the cases I referenced above, the relationship ended very abruptly, like there was one specific thing that happened that caused her to end it, because I totally didn't see it coming.

And my general question in my original post really centers around why I am able to have success in OLD vs. IRL. The OLD forum just seems to be an easier route for me to meet women, but I feel like the reasons it is easier for me are the same reasons that my relationships don't carry on to the next level. If that makes any sense. Ultimately I am looking for a LTR, but am not in any rush to jump into anything.

I'd also like to know from other men: how do you manage to stay or at least appear to be natural all the time when you're just getting to know someone? I just feel like I sometimes cannot hide my awkardness when I tense up at times....but when I'm myself things always seem to flow nicely. Are even the littlest moments of awkardness enough to kill a potential relationship early on? What is acceptable? I know that is vague and hard to define but just kind of thinking out loud here.

May 28, 2012

Okay... Back on track from the cat fight.

As a guy who has used OLD for a while, some of the things Kathy said actually held true for me. I had no problem getting dates online, but in person I'd choke on taking things to the next level. I had no problem scoring that kiss, but after that I'd freeze when going further. Your issue seems to be from your in-person skills, not your online dating skills. Maybe that's why you're having more luck getting those numbers online - you're alot more internet savvy than you are interpersonal savvy.

I'd recommend what I did - taking a break from online dating and focusing on meeting/talking to new women in the real world. You're having trouble there because your skillset needs some work - and in the end, even if you meet that person online, eventually you're going to be face to face. Those are the skills you need to develop

Yep...this sums up what I've been thinking and sounds like my situation exactly. Thanks. Although, I wouldn't say 'internet savvy', because it does take some modicum of interpersonal skills to be successful online. And I had intended to only use OLD as one outlet or pool to meet new people...and practice those interpersonal skills.

Even if I don't connect with someone I meet, at least I am out there and trying to learn something from the experience. I think my problem is I'm using it as more of a crutch now. I have a lot of options, so I never really try to cold approach women IRL. And I'm not even sure where to try. At least in OLD, I understand that women are obviously looking and approachable and I don't have any fear of rejection because there's another email or wink to answer to. However, IRL, I can never tell and I often get cold feet because I'm too worried about bothering someone. Silly, I know.

May 28, 2012

This isn't entirely true. I have had 'relationships'. The women I've met from OLD sites and that I was interested in enough to pursue were all mutually interested enough to get together for a second or even third date. One relationship lasted over two months. Another, several weeks. Things were really going well with both until they abruptly backed off and bailed. So I know I have it in me I just don't know where I'm losing it. Or it just takes that long to see incompatibilities? I will admit I have some things that could give some pause: still paperwork pending on a divorce (no drama, nothing messy), and I also live a sober lifestyle (after years of not). I am open about these things upfront. I know the sobriety thing was something one of them couldn't deal with, though she tried. I'm not at all on edge and am comfortable in normal social settings such as a bar or at parties...so that's not my problem.

Anyway, my friends who I talk to all agree that I've just been unlucky with some of these. That doesn't seem to be a good enough answer for me, and I'm not looking for a sugarcoated explanation. I feel like in both of the cases I referenced above, the relationship ended very abruptly, like there was one specific thing that happened that caused her to end it, because I totally didn't see it coming.

And my general question in my original post really centers around why I am able to have success in OLD vs. IRL. The OLD forum just seems to be an easier route for me to meet women, but I feel like the reasons it is easier for me are the same reasons that my relationships don't carry on to the next level. If that makes any sense. Ultimately I am looking for a LTR, but am not in any rush to jump into anything.

I'd also like to know from other men: how do you manage to stay or at least appear to be natural all the time when you're just getting to know someone? I just feel like I sometimes cannot hide my awkardness when I tense up at times....but when I'm myself things always seem to flow nicely. Are even the littlest moments of awkardness enough to kill a potential relationship early on? What is acceptable? I know that is vague and hard to define but just kind of thinking out loud here.

because dating sites are 2 to 1 men vs women. the average woman on a dating site has a plethora of male attention on dating sites, they simply need to turn on their computer. grass is greener is the way of life for women who initiate all of their dating on the internet.

May 28, 2012

I wanted to start a "Is internet dating a crutch" post, but I figured I'd start here.

Yes, it seems some people use it as a crutch, as opposed to being a "captured audience at a church social or stuck conversing with a man at a store", they're like a deer trapped in headlights.

With online dating, the ladies get to CONTROL who approaches them. ALL they need is a delete key, and there is none in the real world...and gain a sense of panick when a man approaches them in public.

(Not saying this happens with all women, but some)

As with men, I"m sure they've used it as a crutch to get up the courage to email women, without any face to face interaction. They're more bolder online.

Yep...this sums up what I've been thinking and sounds like my situation exactly. Thanks. Although, I wouldn't say 'internet savvy', because it does take some modicum of interpersonal skills to be successful online. And I had intended to only use OLD as one outlet or pool to meet new people...and practice those interpersonal skills.

Even if I don't connect with someone I meet, at least I am out there and trying to learn something from the experience. I think my problem is I'm using it as more of a crutch now. I have a lot of options, so I never really try to cold approach women IRL. And I'm not even sure where to try. At least in OLD, I understand that women are obviously looking and approachable and I don't have any fear of rejection because there's another email or wink to answer to. However, IRL, I can never tell and I often get cold feet because I'm too worried about bothering someone. Silly, I know.

I understand that women are obviously looking and approachable and I don't have any fear of rejection because there's another email or wink to answer to. However, IRL, I can never tell and I often get cold feet because I'm too worried about bothering someone. Silly, I know.

True, out in public, at the gym, bookstore, grocery store, other places while shopping, women are NOT open to being approached, they want to be approached on their terms.

I had a friend that was trying to approach 2 women sunbathing in a public park, and he'd try to talk to them, they were total snobs, they were very short with him and would not even engage in coversation , might as well been talking to a brick wall. A few men in the park approached them, and they seemed to have gathered their things and left early because they got sick of men approaching them, while they're trying to get a tan. Guess they went to their backyard or something. lol

But see, women aren't open to being approached, except perhaps on an online dating site or and a dance club. They have to be psyched for it.

Edited May 28, 2012 by irc333

May 28, 2012

This isn't entirely true. I have had 'relationships'. The women I've met from OLD sites and that I was interested in enough to pursue were all mutually interested enough to get together for a second or even third date. One relationship lasted over two months. Another, several weeks. Things were really going well with both until they abruptly backed off and bailed. So I know I have it in me I just don't know where I'm losing it. Or it just takes that long to see incompatibilities? I will admit I have some things that could give some pause: still paperwork pending on a divorce (no drama, nothing messy), and I also live a sober lifestyle (after years of not). I am open about these things upfront. I know the sobriety thing was something one of them couldn't deal with, though she tried. I'm not at all on edge and am comfortable in normal social settings such as a bar or at parties...so that's not my problem.

Anyway, my friends who I talk to all agree that I've just been unlucky with some of these. That doesn't seem to be a good enough answer for me, and I'm not looking for a sugarcoated explanation. I feel like in both of the cases I referenced above, the relationship ended very abruptly, like there was one specific thing that happened that caused her to end it, because I totally didn't see it coming.

And my general question in my original post really centers around why I am able to have success in OLD vs. IRL. The OLD forum just seems to be an easier route for me to meet women, but I feel like the reasons it is easier for me are the same reasons that my relationships don't carry on to the next level. If that makes any sense. Ultimately I am looking for a LTR, but am not in any rush to jump into anything.

I'd also like to know from other men: how do you manage to stay or at least appear to be natural all the time when you're just getting to know someone? I just feel like I sometimes cannot hide my awkardness when I tense up at times....but when I'm myself things always seem to flow nicely. Are even the littlest moments of awkardness enough to kill a potential relationship early on? What is acceptable? I know that is vague and hard to define but just kind of thinking out loud here.

Sometimes it takes a few dates, a few weeks, or even a few months to see the dealbreakers that end a relationship. What you've said here sheds more light on what the problem is that is scaring off these women. It's the years of drinking. Sorry, but that is a dealbreaker for most women. You say you are now sober, and that's great, but there's a lot of people out there that fall back to old habits, and chances are, these women are not willing to take the chance that you have kicked the addiction for good. I know of one woman specifically who was dating a guy who was a former alcoholic. Very nice guy, but even though he claimed he was sober and had kicked the habit, he would always seem to need a couple of drinks in order to handle himself on the date. The years of alcoholism was the dealbreaker for her, because she wasn't convinced that he was going to stay sober. This would be a huge red flag for a lot of women--that he had a bad drinking problem that may reappear over time. Only time and sobriety will help women get past this. If you've had 5+ years of sobriety, and are not still engaging in drinking and hanging out at bars, women may start to believe you are serious and that the behavior is a thing of the past, but for many, the fact that you were an alcoholic for several years will still be a dealbreaker, and women will think it's too risky to get involved with you because of that. I know that's not being very optimistic on my part, but I think that is what the problem is. You wanted to know what the problem was. Sorry to say, I believe it's the years of alcoholism that is turning them off. The fact that you are still married, and only separated, would also give women the impression that the heavy drinking is what caused the divorce, and that it must have been a more recent problem if it caused the recent breakup of your marriage.

May 28, 2012

My opinion is, if I were exposed to a similar number of single people IRL as in OLD, then the results would be similar. As it is, it's nearly impossible to meet single women in my demographic (age/social status, etc) in my area IRL, so OLD solved that dilemma. This is even more pronounced at 53 than at 36, when I began to use OLD as an option. To me, OLD is merely a method of meeting ostensibly single people. Where those meetings go is as nebulous as in real life. Some go nowhere; some are relegated to the annals of 'what the heck was I thinking?'; some become friendships; a few become real life dating experiences. One, for me, became a ten year M.

Up to you what you make of it. If you 'tense up' on dates or when meeting women, I have the cure, as this did used to happen to me occasionally during my single years. Get married and divorced. Trust me, it all goes away.

May 28, 2012

Good points about the drinking and separation aspects. I'm wondering how physical the OP got with these women. Did they dump him after they had sex? Was there no physical contact at all? Did OP say he never wanted to get married ever again?

May 28, 2012

Good points about the drinking and separation aspects. I'm wondering how physical the OP got with these women. Did they dump him after they had sex? Was there no physical contact at all? Did OP say he never wanted to get married ever again?

What I consider to be relationship includes physical, so out of the countless dates I've gone on, I've gotten intimate with the three I referenced. No, it wasn't after sex that I got dumped. If anything, I thought it helped the relationship along, or it seemed to me at least. I could be way off base though...

I don't talk in absolutes, so would never say anything like 'never want to get married again'. I'm honestly open to whatever develops, but I like to keep things simple and more focused on the moment than worrying about where a relationship is going. I am not anxious to rush in or looking to settle just for the sake of settling, so I'm picky by my own rights I guess, but I make clear that my ultimate preference is a LTR. For whatever that's worth.

May 28, 2012

Sometimes it takes a few dates, a few weeks, or even a few months to see the dealbreakers that end a relationship. What you've said here sheds more light on what the problem is that is scaring off these women. It's the years of drinking. Sorry, but that is a dealbreaker for most women. You say you are now sober, and that's great, but there's a lot of people out there that fall back to old habits, and chances are, these women are not willing to take the chance that you have kicked the addiction for good. I know of one woman specifically who was dating a guy who was a former alcoholic. Very nice guy, but even though he claimed he was sober and had kicked the habit, he would always seem to need a couple of drinks in order to handle himself on the date. The years of alcoholism was the dealbreaker for her, because she wasn't convinced that he was going to stay sober. This would be a huge red flag for a lot of women--that he had a bad drinking problem that may reappear over time. Only time and sobriety will help women get past this. If you've had 5+ years of sobriety, and are not still engaging in drinking and hanging out at bars, women may start to believe you are serious and that the behavior is a thing of the past, but for many, the fact that you were an alcoholic for several years will still be a dealbreaker, and women will think it's too risky to get involved with you because of that. I know that's not being very optimistic on my part, but I think that is what the problem is. You wanted to know what the problem was. Sorry to say, I believe it's the years of alcoholism that is turning them off. The fact that you are still married, and only separated, would also give women the impression that the heavy drinking is what caused the divorce, and that it must have been a more recent problem if it caused the recent breakup of your marriage.

Yep, I agree and can understand if someone doesn't want to take the risk of getting involved because of this. I really do and take no offense to it. Which is why I am upfront about it, so we can weed out dealbreakers from the outset. Of course everyone's situation is different, and I don't have a whole lot of baggage or skeletons in the closet....I'm just a guy who wanted to make some positive changes in his life. My separation happened over a year ago, and I've been sober for over a year (all happened around the same time). I won't say that my drinking had nothing to do with the break up of the marriage, but certainly it wasn't the only thing.

The irony, is I don't believe I would be an attractive option to women if I was still drinking like I had been. I wouldn't even have the opportunity to be rejected lol. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of thing. I don't make it an issue, and am perfectly fine around it, but I do sense uncomfortableness on their part if we're at a restaurant and she orders a glass of wine or whatever.

Sign In

Success in OLD vs. IRL

Recommended Posts

75andsunny

Emilia

thatone

KathyM

Emilia

KathyM

DontWorryBHappy

Sivok

75andsunny

75andsunny

thatone

irc333

KathyM

carhill

FitChick

75andsunny

75andsunny

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...