cherrypie2 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I met someone over a year ago through business. He was in a long term relationship at the time so out of bounds. Then I heard they had broken up. He persued me, we went on a date and kissed. I had been single for a long time so although I was attracted to him, I was not ready for anything and aware he was on the rebound. He went back to his girlfriend. He was gone for a year and I missed him terribly. They broke up again and he came back to me again. Although I wanted him and always hoped he would come back, I was even more closed down this time as I was afraid he was still not over his ex and thought he would go back to her again. We saw each other briefly but I ended it with him as I felt he was not making me feel special and becoming distant. At the same time another girl appeared on the scene, a friend but she was beautiful and just his type. I thought, if I leave him and he really cares for me he will come after me but he didnt. That was three month ago. Now I miss him terribly and wish I had not been so closed down. I contacted him recently but he is dating someone (the pretty friend I believe) I told him how I feel and said but if you have someone else now all I can do is move on. He has tried to keep the conversation going and feels it was a missed opportunity. I feel I should not continue to contact him if he has a girlfriend now but want him back so bad. Should I not reply to his emails and cut contact and try to move on or keep in touch to keep communication open with the hope that he will come back? My heart is breaking, please help.
Dark Phoenix Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 People in gigs are intoxicating and fun to be around to be in a relationship with them is toxic. Trust your spidey senses. I have 4 girls still chasing me from my intoxicating days whom i went on just a few dates with and at best I would only just hook up with one of them on a bad day. For your own emotional well being, you need to kick this one to the curb
Author cherrypie2 Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 Hi DP, thanks for your reply. I would never get involved with anyone who was in a relationship and never have. My hope was that he would realise his mistake, leave this new girl and come back to me. Although we never had a physical relationship, I feel for me, this was love at first sight. Part of me thinks if I remain in contact with him via email it would ease my ache for him and perhaps he will realise it was me all along. The other part of me feels if I cut contact with him, he may miss me and come back to me. Either way, I have it bad and want him to tell me he feels the same. I have made so many excuses in my head for him. I want to know how to get him back and if everyone on here thinks I am being deluded about the whole thing, I will take this on board and then will need advice on how to move on and forget about him. He occupies my every thought and my heart is literally breaking in two at the thought of him being with someone else. I could really use hearing the views from a few people on here, please if you read this, take the time to give me your thoughts on the subject. I will also add we are both middle aged, thanks.
ash11ae Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Hi cherrypie, I am kind of going through a similar situation right now, except a little worse: I did date the person that I love, and I did let him go, and now he has found someone else, but lied to me about it, kept seeing this girl but pretending to want to be with me. It's been very difficult and complicated. I wish I could give you some good advice. The person I love is in a relationship, and he is in love with this new woman, but she is not giving him anything that he wants at all, and he knows I would. But... he is not in love with me. It sounds like maybe this guy is questioning whether or not he should have moved on. Maybe he is confused. On the other hand, it also sounds like any time things go wrong with his girlfriend, he knows you are right there waiting. I can't say if he cares for you or not because I don't know... but as he is in a relationship with another woman, and as this whole thing is making you very upset, maybe you should back off. Be friendly with him if he tries to talk to you, but also maintain a safe distance. Let him figure things out on his own. Maybe it will work out in your favour, and maybe it won't. But if it's meant to be, it will be, and if it's not meant to be, then you should have high hopes of finding someone else.
GoneForOne Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Before I go on, Not every situation is the same. I was once in a long term relationship that had ended something near to a year and half ago or something, I did look on some posts on here but never bothered making an account to ask questions. I looked at peoples advice but if I'm going to be honest I never done what the majority of people say at first (NC). From the end I tried to sort things and thought they would come back etc and would maintain contact then disappear, I then heard that they had someone new on the approx 3 month mark, can't remember. This made me realize no matter what you do, it doesn't really change what's going to happen in short term to someone with a set intention (ending a relationship) I said screw it, cut all communication and went about my life. My point is, sometimes you have to put your thoughts into action to learn from the outcome as most knowledge comes from experience IMO. In my case, I done foolish things after the end of my relationship and realized later on what I shouldn't have been doing. My advice is, do what you have to do, but try live your own life. ALSO.. (Sorry to whom this may offend) Don't sit at your PC searching for solutions every minute of the day, make it a weekly or every 2 week thing.. because for me every time I would search something my past come like it happened yesterday. I'm happy
Author cherrypie2 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Ash11ae Thank you so much for your reply, everything you say makes total sense. I have made it clear to him how I feel and I have to step back and see what happens. Like you say if it's meant to be it will be and if not then something better is out there for me. Goneforone, thank you also for giving me your experience. I am going to be strong and confident without him as I was before. Sometimes you just need to hear a voice of reason so thank you all. I am going to get on with my life and leave things to go their natural course. Thanks again!
geegirl Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Ash11ae Thank you so much for your reply, everything you say makes total sense. I have made it clear to him how I feel and I have to step back and see what happens. Like you say if it's meant to be it will be and if not then something better is out there for me. Goneforone, thank you also for giving me your experience. I am going to be strong and confident without him as I was before. Sometimes you just need to hear a voice of reason so thank you all. I am going to get on with my life and leave things to go their natural course. Thanks again! I'm sorry Cherry. I can feel your pain through your post. The thing is, he has had ample opportunities to make it with you but unfortunately, he's always diverted to someone else. Please don't blame yourself because of how closed up you were because it's natural to be cautious when you've involving yourself in a situation that once hurt you. If anything, he should have been mature enough to understand your hurt and reluctance given his past behavior and provided you with whatever you needed to find security in him and the relationship. If two people want to work at being together, they will. It really is that simple. Please don't contact him anymore and move on. If in time he realizes he wants to be with you, then let him come to you. If you have to coax or entice someone to be with you, then they're not for you. If he comes willingly, you then have the choice to accept or decline. Until then, know that you will once again move on from this, and be better off whether it's with someone new, or even without!
Author cherrypie2 Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 Thanks geegirl I found out some recent stuff about him and the girl in question and when I say recent I mean in stuff going on in the last day or so. He is referring to her as his better half and is living with her! This has happened in the space of 12 weeks! (when I finished it) I am actually getting really angry now. I was upset before, then I went into denial and now I am just plain angry. ARRRRRGGHH!!!!!! How can someone come out of an 8 year relationship, come after me (twice) and then throw themselves into something so quickly. What a complete waste of space. Lucky escape I reckon.
geegirl Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Thanks geegirl I found out some recent stuff about him and the girl in question and when I say recent I mean in stuff going on in the last day or so. He is referring to her as his better half and is living with her! This has happened in the space of 12 weeks! (when I finished it) I am actually getting really angry now. I was upset before, then I went into denial and now I am just plain angry. ARRRRRGGHH!!!!!! How can someone come out of an 8 year relationship, come after me (twice) and then throw themselves into something so quickly. What a complete waste of space. Lucky escape I reckon. Yes, lucky escape! Most times dumpers have checked out from an R long before the decision to break up is made so that could be why he's now so quickly with her. In any case, you truly dodged a bullet. He truly seems like the kind that has commitment issues and you really want no part of that because these types fall in love with the fantasy and when the reality of the R sets in, that's when they hit the panic button and move on to the next. Kick this hopping bunny rabbit to the curb!
Author cherrypie2 Posted May 31, 2012 Author Posted May 31, 2012 Ok so today I am feeling really frustrated and angry with myself for thinking that he has been thinking about me. I said some really nice things to him via email a few days ago, before this recent information came to light. It must have really boosted his ego to know he has this girl now, he totally messed me around and I still came back crawling to him, telling him how great I thought he was and how I missed him. I feel like I don't want to leave it at that, I feel like I want to tell him I will not waste another moment thinking about him ( harder than it sounds) and that I am moving on now and I shouldn't have contacted him and he shouldn't contact me. Should I do this to have the last word or should I just leave him thinking I am just going to sit waiting for him again. I really want to tell him how it is but is there a point? I think it might make me feel a bit better. Maybe I should just wait and see does he contact me and if he does, tell him then. I guess if I dont contact him, he will know I am moving on anyway. I am so confused and angry right now. What a total fool I have been. What do you think?
geegirl Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 I feel like I want to tell him I will not waste another moment thinking about him ( harder than it sounds) and that I am moving on now and I shouldn't have contacted him and he shouldn't contact me. Should I do this to have the last word or should I just leave him thinking I am just going to sit waiting for him again. I really want to tell him how it is but is there a point? I think it might make me feel a bit better. Maybe I should just wait and see does he contact me and if he does, tell him then. I guess if I dont contact him, he will know I am moving on anyway. I am so confused and angry right now. What a total fool I have been. What do you think? Telling him you are not going to waste another moment thinking about him when you are wasting a moment thinking about him by reaching out to tell him you are not going to think about him? You don't have to announce you are not going to think about them, you just do it. Where is the logic? The only reason why you want to do this is because you want a reaction. And another reason is because you want to tell him what an SOB he is so he can feel just as bad as you do. He's now with someone else. You believe that your emotional rant will affect him, well it won't. He's not emotional and will look at it as the rantings of an angry, bitter woman, roll his eyes and go back to his new life. The blame is not solely his. You chose to keep going back even when he was "messing" with you. Time to start looking at why you allowed it rather than festering in your need to prove a moot point.
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