SincerelyYours Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Ok, first - we aren't in a LDR, but he is deployed so I figured I could put my question in here. Some moments I think I am crazy because I have a guy who is deployed and calls me every day, and I still get upset. We use Skype, Facebook, and email. I know that guys are wired differently, and it's still frustrating. I send him alot of messages over Facebook throughout the day because I am so used to talking to him alot when he is home. Sometimes I will ask him questions about thing and when he responds I will get a "I love you baby. I miss you. Wish you were here. I worked out today. I can't wait till we have kids." I get that as a reply all the time. I love that he loves me, but I never get anything about how his day went, etc. I've asked if I could get pictures (since he's in a foreign country) and I always get "yea, I have some and I have to upload them". I tell myself to be happy and feel special that he wants to call me everyday, but the conversations are filled with me talking about my day or he says I love you and miss you and not really much else. If I don't say anything or ask him questions then we'll just sit there and stare at each other on Skype. It's not really enjoyable for me after 5 minutes. I asked him to write me back more often and tell me about his day, and he says he's rather call. This leaves me feeling emotionally empty. He doesn't like it my way (writing throughout the week, skyping on weekends) so I do it his way. Skyping everyday is not my thing. I told him and he said ok. Now I barely hear from him. I'll still write to him, but it will be a two sentence reply. What should I do? Does anyone do it another way and it works out? Thank you.
LovinCousins Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 (edited) When you are exposed to death on a daily basis you need to remember why you are coping, why are are there (I do it with morbid jokes)... When asked what is bothering you; you will lie as mentioning it only hurts more. Maybe it's because you are in a state of guilt (maybe it's a PTSD thing), there was something to do different. That person did not need to die; I could have, I should have, Its my fault.... So you just block it all out, painfully ignore everything that reminds you of that incident. When asked how things at work were - if he can't pull a good story about a kid running across with a toy or an MRE, instead he'll give the repetitive answer. That answer is something he has tied himself into, repeated within his head when **** is blowing up and his friends are dying... 'Working out' holy **** - he's telling you so much with that it's scary (having seen enough people die to call it working out myself, or carried enough bodies to say im working out as a joke... etc....). When that repetitive answer begins to be noticed, you ball up and stop answering, as all you want to do is say something horrible like John was sniped away in front of my eyes - his head blew up, i watched his eye fly past Jim and his blood covered my uniform.. All because I asked him to talk to the CO, I went to his dying body and first thought was I will never see my SO (you) again; this is how I die. Here, why, for what, without her... He cannot talk about this while he's there he'll break the ability to shift into 'work mode'... For me I was able to go home, to my own bed after and unwind... I knew I wasn't going to walk into a backdraft, the freeway, a house full of smoke, or wake up and have to run some pediatric call... For him - be mortared, gassed, sniped, hit an IED... I watched my friend step out of the rig and be blasted away by an asian lady doing 80 miles an hour in the slow lane. I had HIS life flash before my eyes, I saw his wife, his daughter, and then I was the second person to stand over him while he was gasping for air for the last time... How was your day?! Because when he is forced to relive that; he is forced to enter 'work mode'. 'work mode' is a scary thing to firefighters, paramedics, soldiers, doctors, nurses, etc.... In this state you will emotionally deattatch from EVERYTHING. I've had relationships completely fail because my SO wanted to be 'rescued' and didn't understand the emotional impact of that upon me... I hope this helps... He wants to see you and be 'grounded' in the reality he wishes he still had. He won't talk because he can't. He won't show emotions because he can't. When I had my first still born I asked for help, and was laughed at and told stories of much worse things that I clearly would not have been able to handle. This is civilian side too... I can't imagine he's able to seek help in the macho culture. -I love my cousin Edit - It took me 2 or 3 years of being in this, 4 nights a week before I was able to understand what was happening to me emotionally. I was able to discuss much of the gore for weeks afterwards because I had no emotional investment into the people - he most likely does... He most likely has not had the time to settle down, collect his thoughts and clearly see what is happening to him emotionally out there... Just remember he's not in a good place - all he has there is you... I can understand the desire to just stare at you and day dream of being away from the carnage... He's maybe never been vivid enough to describe his day dreams and how he's feeling, I guarantee you now he wishes he could, and in time he will be able to, I promise you. It might take him years, he might cry a few times when he gets into a car or sees something or smells something and never be able to tell you why, but someday he'll be able to tell you... Maybe not talking was always something he did regularly, and now thats only compacted as he literally has no words for what is happening. What should you do? Paint pictures of home. Dig as deep as you can to remind him of you guys before he had to leave, before he had to be a strange place and feel strange pain. Remind him of all the scenary, the smells, the tastes, how he'd smile (I bet he's not smiling a lot without you). **** I'm getting teary eyed thinking about this (I'm reliving a lot just writing this)... I wish I was the optimistic, carefree person I used to be before I had to witness death as I have... Edited May 28, 2012 by LovinCousins Holy commas batman 2
Author SincerelyYours Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 (edited) Thank you for replying and for the advice. I am sorry to hear about your friend and stillborn. Thank you so much for your reply. I should have been more clear though. He is deployed in a safe place right now in Japan with his own room, television, fridge, microwave, etc. His deployment is more like a vacation. Edited May 28, 2012 by SincerelyYours
shayla Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 One of my good friends was deployed, he and I talked until he got on the plane to Baghdad (sp). Once he landed and got all settled in, we talked on the phone for at least an hour. Every day after that he sent me emails letting me know how he was doing. Those emails were very wordy at first, but as time went on, they became 2 or 3 words here and there. He went from sending me page long emails to emails that said, "Hi, I'm still alive." or "I love you." I think it's just a natural reaction to his surroundings and the real horror of war. I was just pleased that he was still writing, I stopped caring about what he said. Him making it back home was one of the happiest days of my life.
LovinCousins Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 No need to be sorry. I was just drawing parallels to him with some dramatic stories for you. Also if you noticed I said 'first' haha, theres been something like 1,800 ALS calls in my career so far : P. If none of them were rewarding I wouldn't still be showing up to work and smiling my way through CPRs on Christmas Eve or New Years singing 'ah, ah, ah, ah, ah stayin alive'. Happens to be the perfect ironic song to keep correct rate for compressions with full recoil in a CPR. I'm too cynical to give you advise on what he's doing if he's acting strange and not exposed to strange stuff... I did think the only SO I could trust with all my bull**** as it continues to grow was my cousin after all - we laugh about it a lot : ). Good Luck, <3<3<3 1
Ghisop Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Is this your first deployment with him? Me and my boyfriend have een threw many! It takes alot to get used to it. Keep in mind he is working 13 hour days then working out then sleep then start over. They get very close with the people there and sometimes feel disconnected to back home. I always send care packages and include things for his friends there - Starbucks coffee seems to be one of the most popular. Ad go to the dollar store and get those silly guns they can fire at each other - it made him and me feel closer because I was accepting he had a life and just tried to be a part of it. Skype is huge those and you should make an attempt to get more into it. Plus we both did insaniy work out. It is hard but it will get better!
Author SincerelyYours Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 He does work 13 hours shifts, go home and go to the gym and then hang out. Thank you for telling me about you and your bf while he is deployed. Listening to someone else definately helps. We are skyping more which is helpful. I make it a point to try to skype even if I am very very busy. I will send him some packages and then let him be. He does have his own life over there for now. I will have my own over here. I am going to try the Insanity workout too.
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