Wife not making enough time for me? Or am I just jealous?

[WorriedOne]

My wife and I have been married for a little over 2 years, she's 40 and I'm 38.

 

We are both close (figuratively and literally) to our respective families. However, I often feel that I am a lower priority to her than her mom/dad/sister/nieces&nephews. Now, I love them all, they're great people, but my wife's mother has a special control over my wife that I could not dream (nor want!) to have.

 

Case in point:

 

I got home from being out of town for work on Thursday night. (I travel a lot for work. I hate it, but it won't last another 6 months, and I ran this career decision by my wife before pursuing. ) Her sister and her 2 children are visiting from out of state.

 

I knew that my wife would want to spend a lot of time with her sister, and I wanted to give her my blessing. But all I asked is that we get to enjoy a dinner (1 on 1) on any night before I have to leave town on Tuesday morning.

 

Well, long story short, my wife has been at her parents house hanging out with her sister and the kids since Friday morning (it is now Sunday night). She spent the night there last night and won't be coming home until 10pm+ tonight, only to leave again tomorrow morning at 9am. I have spent the majority of the last two days with her at her parents.

 

But tomorrow, I will need to spend some time with my family. I've excused her from having to go because I know her preference is to be with her out-of-town sister. But I don't expect to see her tomorrow until, again, 10pm which means I might get an hour or two before I go to bed and have to wake up early Tuesday to travel again. This weekend is especially bad because she is leaving NEXT Friday to go to visit her sister. Which means I probably won't see her at all next weekend.

 

Now my wife told me about her plans well in advance. And I don't blame her for wanting to spend time with her family. But my feelings are really hurt that the 3-4 hours I wanted to spend with her were just blown off.

 

Now, for those who aren't bored to TEARS reading this story so far, I should point out that my wife spends at least 1-2 hours every day on the phone with her mother and sister. They are extremely close. Yes, her sister lives out of state, but they talk constantly on the phone and they visit each other at least once every 8 weeks or so. More often than not, my wife is the one to go see her.

 

My wife's mother is very nice, but very sensitive. She's also very controlling. When my wife feels pressure between something I'd like to do and something her mom would like to do, she **always** does what her mother wants to do because she knows that I handle disappointment a lot better. This really hurts my feeling because I feel like I'm not my wife's #1 priority. This is becoming increasingly hard to deal with. And now that we're soon to adopt our first child, I am really concerned about how this will all play out.

 

Now, to be fair, I should point out that my wife is awesome at going to my family events. But they are typically very short, maybe dinner or breakfast every other week. 1-2 hours tops.

 

I have tried telling her in the softest way possible that I feel like I'm not the highest priority. She assures me that is not the case, yet her actions say otherwise.

 

Am I just being a huge spoiled brat? What's the best course of action I can take to let my wife know that I love her and just wish I got more time with her?

[Radu]

I don't think you are a spoiled brat, what she did was quite thoughtless.

 

I think you do need to addres this asap because with time it can really get nasty.

I say this from experience, my dad was like this with his dad. He exerted a huge ammount of influence on his life and even though my mom loved him deeply, she was bothered by it.

Don't think her mom is sensitive, she is not. She is manipulative.

 

As i kept reading that i was thinking, why don't the sister/sisters come and visit your wife ?

 

I would put the adoption on hold in your mind at least, because this is dangerously close to a dealbreaker.

[standtall]

 

Am I just being a huge spoiled brat? What's the best course of action I can take to let my wife know that I love her and just wish I got more time with her?

 

No, not all. Did you two get married in a church, or are you religious? If so, then remind your wife that she married you, not her mother or sister. I would tell her outright that she should make some time with you during those 3-4 hours. Do not mention that your feelings are hurt as this is a sign of weakness to what sounds like an alpha wife. If you do not break this pattern now, be prepared to play second fiddle and be the outsider to her family for your entire marriage.

[g450]

I agree with others. Tell her she needs to set aside some time for you and her to do something together.

 

If she cant work with you on that then maybe she should just spend the rest of her life at her Sisters and Mothers house. Sorry to be so blunt but it sounds like you are letting her dictate to you and she is puting your marriage as low priority over her family. Are you just a paycheck for her?