Hanging On

[RoyTurks]

Background:

 

Started dating this girl a few years ago, lasted 2.5 years. I broke it off during a rough patch where we'd been fighting a lot, taking each other for granted, and not having much fun . I was having some GIGS when out and about, thinking a fresh, passionate thing with a new, more easy-going girl was just what I needed. After this breakup, we didn't hang out for a few weeks, but then slipped back into a "friends w/ benefits" type thing. Hanging out about one evening a week and satisfying each other's sexual needs. I didn't consciously acknowledge it, but of course, we were still in love. This went on through most of a summer, until in November, I prompted it's ending by showing up to her house drunk, basically looking for a booty call, late at night. I called her a couple times as I neared her place, then upon arrival saw her in the window ignoring my third call on her phone. When I came up to the door to confront her, she started yelling about how i'd woken her up again (I'd blown up her phone late a couple weeks prior). It escalated into a big fight which involved my ridiculously foolish self yelling very unkind things outside her house, leaving a dent in her garage door, and her friend finally coming to pick her up. She talked to me a couple days later and said she'd need a few weeks before figuring out how to proceed. I was quite screwed up over the whole thing and felt the deepest regret I ever had... Next time we talked she again said a few weeks, but three days later sends me a facebook message saying that by her family & friends advice, we should cut all ties and move on alone. As mean/crazy as I'd acted, this still seemed uncharacteristically cold of her. 3 days later, when I saw fb photos of her kissing another guy, it made sense. I sent some cutting, critical texts in the next couple days, but as soon as I knew it, a month had gone by w/ no contact and I had started to accept my situation, though my heart still ached daily.

 

I remember coming home one night and feeling notably more content than any time in the weeks before. That was the same night she decided to call me. She was relieved when I told her I hadn't been seeing anyone, said her rebound thing had been over for two weeks, and we promptly made plans to get together. After a few days of rather heavenly reunion, we agreed to be mutually exclusive, start going out again, and approach things with more openness & appreciation for each other. Aside from the issue of telling my friends, who had been so happy about my being single, I was thrilled. Over the next few months, even after I'd told mine, it was clear she wasn't open w/ her friends about our being back together. She wouldn't answer my calls when with them, and the way she'd tuck away my stuff in her place made it clear. She admitted it when I asked. This bothered me but I unhealthily tried to let it go, as I understood the difficulty involved and still felt guilty about my part in our big fight. Anyway, this last week, after 4 months, she starts to seem withdrawn in light of me giving her increasing **** about going out to parties/bars seeming available, as only a few of her friends were aware of our hanging out (and I'm sure she didn't tell them we were a real couple). One night she went out for her friends birthday party, said she'd call me, didn't, and wouldn't respond to my texts/calls at all between 8pm and 2am. I went by her house the next morning before work and she was apologetic, but our chat was relatively uneventful. I told her we had to have a real talk later that day, and planned to preface it with how much I loved her and wanted to restore the fun, healthy relationship we'd had coming back into it. Later that night I showed up at her house with a smile, trying to ease the tension of the impending "talk", but it immediately became clear she was going to break it off. She did, saying it would just hurt more down the line otherwise. Buuut, she said she needed me in her life and wanted to maintain a friendship. In the conversations we've had since then, she's revealed some simple things that bothered her, like my never taking the initiative to take her on the camping trip we'd talked about, and that things had seemed monotonous between us to her the prior couple weeks. I also got a lot of things off my chest and told her all about how good things would be if we could try again, in explicit terms with very much sincerity.

 

Anyway, now she's said that "someday" she could see it working out, she wants to maintain daily phone contact, and even make plans to take the camping trip we never did in the next couple months, as "friends". But basically, this limbo friendship state is torture, and though it's kind of comforting to hear that she could see it working again, I really want to expedite the process, whatever the outcome. If I'm going to be single, I want to work at getting my head prepped for it, and if it can work, I want that asap because I really long for her and it hurts immensely. It has struck me, and friends as a possible "break" type thing, where she may want to be single and party knowing I'm still there to support her and take her back should she like. Whether or not she has a desire to be single, it's pretty clear she needs my support cause when I suggested I might not be able to handle being friends and might have to go no contact she got really upset.

 

So, maybe I should tell her it has to be all or nothing, cause friendship will be too painful and keep us from moving forward ? And I'll either get that or she'll decide she wants to try again... Or do I maintain the friendship, try to win her over by being happy and supportive of her, and just see what happens. I mean I can't imagine this proposed camping trip staying super platonic... I feel like if I say nc, she would call me after a few days wanting to try again, though I'd be screwed up about it in the meantime. But w the friendship it will take longer, as she'll know I'm there waiting, and she may end up hooking up w/ a guy or two in the process.

 

I'm flip-flopping, and kind of stumped. Thoughts?

[Dark Phoenix]

Ouch, youre timings are so off. You're not out of GIGS and shes in the middle of it.

 

That's the worst. Best advice, focus on you for the time being. Take note of how you are flip flopping right now because shes going to do that to you if she comes back.

[Tiera D]

although usually i would say an ex is using u but i think in your case,u should be buddies 1st,make sure u dont lose control again give her sometime,perhaps 1-2 weeks later b4 u give her the ultimatum?

 

TD

[RoyTurks]

thanks for the thoughtful responses ! Phoenix - when I said I was flip-flopping, I meant between which route to take on getting things figured out. I don't know about her, but I don't feel like I've got GIGS at this point. I want to be with her, plain & simple. If I don't seem horribly distraught it's just cause I've become a bit desensitized after 4 months ago having to come to terms with the prospect of never talking to her again. I saw that though I'd carry the wound, life was gonna keep going on. It's strange to feel at times like you want something so desperately you might never be mildly ok again if you can't have it, but also have clearly learned from experience that that's not the case. Before, when people would say, "I know it doesn't feel like it, but someday you'll be happy and feeling great again," it was difficult to believe them. Now that I've seen that process begin in myself once, this current situation is a little less frightening.

 

But I definitely am working on myself right now, even contemplating some major life changes. And I do fear her reverting if we were to get back together. I guess the question is- if the relationship were splendid and making her happy, would she want it ? Or is it beyond that and she truly is just fearing being more hurt in the future... It's worth adding that this is my first long-term relationship (not hers), and on a few occasions, she has expressed a strong fear that if I started seeing someone else I would move on easily and forget about her. So I think she may feel like she could help prevent that by maintaining contact as friends. Thus "keeping me on a line". Though I personally think after getting used to friendship I would be perfectly up for exploring new prospects (plus I'm getting into some new musical forays that undoubtedly will mean high levels of nightlife/women/alcohol etc)...

 

Tiera - I like your thinking ! That's exactly the conclusion I'd come to, and the same thing my mom said when I told her about it all.

 

Anyway, last night, before going to a friends party, I talked to her in the evening and couldn't help asking her "should I really consider myself single ? or are we trying to work things out ?" She somewhat reluctantly/sadly said "you're single, but maybe someday things will work out". I just wish she would articulate exactly what she wants, needs and foresees !

 

Just got the half-serious idea to take ecstasy with her...

[Tiera D]

give her the "demo" version of you give her some taste about the changes you have made but give no confessions or any pour out heart thing,give her some,if she is interested she would want more.remember to keep your composure always while meeting her.

 

But still agreeing with phoenix,u both do have GiGs,i think u should read about the GiGs thread in here,im not saying bad that probably you will not get a better girl out there but still remember no one is perfect and im sure u and ur ex had those good times as well.

 

TD