MollyBrown Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 When "dating", a MM would not be expected to use credit/debit cards that could be traced by the MMs wife. The OW would expect them to use cash. This makes it easy for a man who is in financial ruins to pull the wool over the OWs eyes. That is one of the reasons one might choose to go that route as opposed to divorcing and dating legitimately. The exclusive use of cash would cause alarm in normal circumstances. My FWH maxed out his credit cards, wrote bad checks and ignored income taxes during the beginning of our marriage. While I was making payments to improve his/our credit, he was using cash I gave him to wine, dine and take the OW to the movies. When she came close to deciding to leave her H, she started to pressure him to take her away for a weekend trip. This started to panic him because he had no credit cards in his name at the time. I unknowingly exposed the A to her H, sparing him the embarrassment of telling her he was unable to book a hotel room. I just wonder if the OW realize that they may be deceived in this way- that MM may choose the route of infidelity because they can hide things like financial ruin more easily, in the name of keeping things from the wife. 1
wellwhynot Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 When "dating", a MM would not be expected to use credit/debit cards that could be traced by the MMs wife. The OW would expect them to use cash. This makes it easy for a man who is in financial ruins to pull the wool over the OWs eyes. That is one of the reasons one might choose to go that route as opposed to divorcing and dating legitimately. The exclusive use of cash would cause alarm in normal circumstances. My FWH maxed out his credit cards, wrote bad checks and ignored income taxes during the beginning of our marriage. While I was making payments to improve his/our credit, he was using cash I gave him to wine, dine and take the OW to the movies. When she came close to deciding to leave her H, she started to pressure him to take her away for a weekend trip. This started to panic him because he had no credit cards in his name at the time. I unknowingly exposed the A to her H, sparing him the embarrassment of telling her he was unable to book a hotel room. I just wonder if the OW realize that they may be deceived in this way- that MM may choose the route of infidelity because they can hide things like financial ruin more easily, in the name of keeping things from the wife. My boyfriend frequently puts things on his cc's so it's not really something I've ever thought of, I've wondered about him getting caught that way though. I don't really make any "allowances" for the fact that he's married, so I expect that he would act like anyone I would date. I don't know that not using a credit card would ever cause alarm in my eyes. I know a LOT of people that don't pay for things with credit cards, or use credit very responsibly so it's not unusual to pay for things with cash. Hotel rooms, etc I can see possibly raising an eyebrow if there was no cc. I don't think my MM's financial health, good or bad is really any of my concern in our relationship, but I can see why it may be an issue in some relationships. This is some good advice though if that's a factor or concern of yours.
sad puppy Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 In my affair, I knew his salary, and his debts. He paid for a weekend away, used his credit cards sometimes, we shared costs sometimes, money wasn't a big deal. Never seemed like he was hiding anything, but then he took care of the finances. What's your point for this thread? 1
MissBee Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I'm a bit leery of ANY man who uses cash all the time. That for me is just something I find strange. Using a $20 here and there to get some ice cream or something is fine but to pay for dinners or larger purchases with cash makes we wonder if you have no bank account or is something else sketchy going on with you...
wellwhynot Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I'm a bit leery of ANY man who uses cash all the time. That for me is just something I find strange. Using a $20 here and there to get some ice cream or something is fine but to pay for dinners or larger purchases with cash makes we wonder if you have no bank account or is something else sketchy going on with you... Really? I think I'd be more concerned about someone who put everything on a credit card, thinking that shows the potential for overextending on credit. Maybe if I'd never see him hit an ATM or cash a check or use a cc at all, or didn't know that he owned a home and a condo it might be a flag, but the choice to use cash makes sound financial sense many situations. Perhaps the fact that we I've spent extensive time overseas in areas where cash is still the main form of currency over plastic shapes that thought process. (He has too in fact, so maybe that's why I never thought about it) 1
PeineDeCoeur Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I agree with this, in principle. Although, relatively early on my xMM told me about some of his financial issues.. and that he didn't have a cc. I'm not sure exactly how deep the rabbit hole went, but I got the impression he was not good at managing money. He would talk about taking me away for a week-end, but never followed through. Actually, his follow-through on most things was inconsistent to non-existent. I'm not sure how much the cash thing had to do with him being monitored by his w.. certainly she was suspicious at times and he was very guarded, careful about some things, like phone calls.
MissBee Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 (edited) Really? I think I'd be more concerned about someone who put everything on a credit card, thinking that shows the potential for overextending on credit. Maybe if I'd never see him hit an ATM or cash a check or use a cc at all, or didn't know that he owned a home and a condo it might be a flag, but the choice to use cash makes sound financial sense many situations. Perhaps the fact that we I've spent extensive time overseas in areas where cash is still the main form of currency over plastic shapes that thought process. (He has too in fact, so maybe that's why I never thought about it) Carrying large amounts of cash all the time in America is strange...using plastic is a lot more convenient. When someone uses a card I don't assume it's a credit card, I usually assume it's a debit card, so I don't immediately think they are overextending their credit. There are more red flags or unscrupulous reasons why someone would always have large amounts of cash on them than the other way around I've found. Case in point, those discussing how their MM only used cash in the A so that there would be no paper trail of wayward spending on "affair items". But as I said, it's particularly large amounts of cash...I don't see any convenient reason why you'd want to do that in America. Esp. since if you lose cash, it's gone. If you lose your bank card, you put a stop on it and you still have your money and if anyone spends it your bank refunds you the money. Edited May 28, 2012 by MissBee 5
wellwhynot Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Carrying large amounts of cash all the time in America is strange...using plastic is a lot more convenient. When someone uses a card I don't assume it's a credit card, I usually assume it's a debit card, so I don't immediately think they are overextending their credit. There are more red flags or unscrupulous reasons why someone would always have large amounts of cash on them than the other way around I've found. Case in point, those discussing how their MM only used cash in the A so that there would be no paper trail of wayward spending on "affair items". But as I said, it's particularly large amounts of cash...I don't see any convenient reason why you'd want to do that in America. Esp. since if you lose cash, it's gone. If you lose your bank card, you put a stop on it and you still have your money and if anyone spends it your bank refunds you the money. Perhaps you are right, but I'm also not much of a drop a ton of cash on dinner kinda girl either.. never have been, although I certainly could within reason I much prefer local restaurants which are always less expensive than chains, and honestly much prefer the two of us cooking together than going out. If someone DID NOT have the under $100 or so to spend on a meal or something that would be a much bigger flag to me. But I also don't think $100 is large sums of cash... how much are you talking about? Now a fancy dinner out on the town in a city like Chicago or LA or NY or something where dinner can often be much more, then yeah, maybe I can see what you are saying.
MissBee Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Perhaps you are right, but I'm also not much of a drop a ton of cash on dinner kinda girl either.. never have been, although I certainly could within reason I much prefer local restaurants which are always less expensive than chains, and honestly much prefer the two of us cooking together than going out. If someone DID NOT have the under $100 or so to spend on a meal or something that would be a much bigger flag to me. But I also don't think $100 is large sums of cash... how much are you talking about? Now a fancy dinner out on the town in a city like Chicago or LA or NY or something where dinner can often be much more, then yeah, maybe I can see what you are saying. I don't want to veer far off topic, as it doesn't matter a great deal to the point of the thread. But it all depends on the situation and frequency. I don't just assume that if you have cash you are up to no good. It depends on if you always have cash and never seem to use a card, how much cash, , where we go, what we're doing, coupled with other behaviors I see etc. All of those things comprise your entire profile that I'm mentally assessing and intuitively checking out if I'm dating you. But again...a man with something to hide, like in the case of an A, will have more reasons to use cash than one who doesn't. The important point is: if something seems weird or strange to you, and for me, that is something strange (and in the past I had 2 experiences with the cash thing and I was right)..then pay attention and file it away and continue observing! 2
wellwhynot Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 The important point is: if something seems weird or strange to you, and for me, that is something strange (and in the past I had 2 experiences with the cash thing and I was right)..then pay attention and file it away and continue observing! This is always good advice! In relationships and life, I think people, honestly women especially should rely more on their instincts. We have them for a reason. 1
Silly_Girl Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 When "dating", a MM would not be expected to use credit/debit cards that could be traced by the MMs wife. The OW would expect them to use cash. In my experience cash and debit cards were used for small stuff, credit cards for bigger things like trips away. Never had cause for any concern, but reading the post it's a valid point. It would give someone the chance, if they chose, to be pretty secretive about their financial health.
cocorico Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 When "dating", a MM would not be expected to use credit/debit cards that could be traced by the MMs wife. The OW would expect them to use cash. Really? He often used credit cards, as well as debit cards, depending on what for. I certainly had no expectation he would use cash. She had her own account, he had his, so why would she even know what he chose to spend his money on?
Stellar Wench Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 (edited) When "dating", a MM would not be expected to use credit/debit cards that could be traced by the MMs wife. The OW would expect them to use cash. This makes it easy for a man who is in financial ruins to pull the wool over the OWs eyes. That is one of the reasons one might choose to go that route as opposed to divorcing and dating legitimately. The exclusive use of cash would cause alarm in normal circumstances.This is a lovely warning, but you may be making assumptions based on your experience. In my experience reading this and other OW fora, the OW is lucky to get a $2 Valentine's Day card and anything more that would necessitate the use of credit cards is very unusual. Edited May 28, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
frozensprouts Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 can't speak for everyone else, but someone who pays in cash most of the time would make me wonder why, Myself, i am a big fan of interac . i rarely use cash anymore ( except if i have to pay for something where I can't use interac). We have a joint account, and I check the statements each month that show money in/out and where it was spent ( I've done this for years, a habit I picked up after the bank made an error and we didn't realize it until it was too late to do anything about it). We have one joint credt card with a very low credit limit, and we go over the statements each month together. Because i'm the one who's always home. I pay the bills and check pay statements to make sure everything reconciles ( again, due to past experiences with pay issues...when you're employed by the govn't, mistakes can happen:laugh:). If my husband was cheating, he'd have to use cash to pay for things, and if I were single and dating someone, and they used cash for everything, I'd wonder why. I think the best thing to do would be to ask why...if their answer made no sense, then it's probably not true and that would make me wonder why they were lying... 2
Author MollyBrown Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 I know that not all situations are the same and really, none of this would matter to an AP who has no intention to marry or move in with the MM. I was sharing what happened in my experience. I'm also sure that my H isn't the first and won't be the last to misrepresent himself to the OW. It's just something to think about for those who do wish to take the relationship further. During that time in my Hs life, he was being very deceptive to me, his family, the OW, and even himself. I'm not assuming that's the case in everyone's A, but I think it's probably the case in a lot them. 2
beenburned Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Molly, Thank you for this thread! This is exactly what my STBXSIL did with both of his OW! He likes to look big in people's eyes by trying to impress them with all he buys them! He is a BIG spender with all cc's maxed out and credit so bad he has filed for bankruptcy. He jointly bought each OW a car each and a joint condo with the other! My D has filed for divorce and will get half of all funds spent back.( as we live in a state where adultery is grounds for a divorce) 1
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