Gemster Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I'm in a bit of a situation and I don't know what to do. My best male friend told me last night that he is considering having an affair with a married woman. (He's single). He met this woman while he way away on holiday and he said they "had an instant connnection". When he first met her she was alone and he didn't know she was married, but a few days later saw her with her husband and daughter. He knows its wrong -- knows the consequences -- but he said he can't stop thinking about her. They have talked on the phone since they've come home, and she is not happy in her marriage. He says he has genuine feelings for her and even though he knows its wrong, is considering going to meet her. I know him -- he will sleep with her. I don't want to just spout out the general platitudes to him -- but I want to save him from making the biggest mistake of his life. What can I say to him that will stop him from meeting up and beginning an affair?????
pureinheart Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 OP, I love your avatar! You know, there's not a whole lot he will listen to at this point, so don't feel like you've failed him or anything to that nature. Please be careful of being too judgmental- I made that mistake with a very good friend. It was scary to all of us because we knew he would not leave his wife for her no matter how bad the marriage was. She was getting up there in years and we feared she would end up alone in her "golden" years. I almost alienated her. Her AP was not professing undying love nothing and that's how we knew he wasn't for real...he rarely said anything affectionate and was always guarded. There was nothing we could say or do to change her mind so we all just supported her.
Author Gemster Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 Thanks. No matter what he chooses to do, I plan to always support him -- he is a dear friend, and the last think I want to do is to alienate him. I just know this will not end well and was hoping there was something I could say that would get through to him. But I know the decision is ultimately his and if he makes the wrong choice, I will be there to help him pick up the pieces. 1
pureinheart Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Thanks. No matter what he chooses to do, I plan to always support him -- he is a dear friend, and the last think I want to do is to alienate him. I just know this will not end well and was hoping there was something I could say that would get through to him. But I know the decision is ultimately his and if he makes the wrong choice, I will be there to help him pick up the pieces. Awww, this is cool:) Prayers for him can do wonders if you're into that:)
MissBee Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I don't think there is much you can do. Sometimes when people are hellbent on doing something, we have to let them do it. If it turns out to be the biggest mistake of his life, hopefully it will also include some of the biggest lessons.
Furious Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Your friend has won the lottery..sex for nothing while her husband finances the affair. Of course he'll go for it. There is nothing that you say that will stop him.
YellowShark Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Let him go down this path alone. He obviously isn't thinking rationally but is thinking with his dick. He cannot possibly have deep feelings for some woman he briefly met in a vacation. He just lusts after her. And of course she would say "her marriage sucks." That's the oldest line in the cheaters handbook. It is used to defend what is indefensible. If her marriage is so bad then she should fix it or get a divorce, not bang guys she meets on vacations WHILE with her husband and daughter. 2
PegNosePete Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 There's not much you can tell him, he is going to do what he likes anyway. Just remind him to use protection. Who knows how many other guys she's met on vacation and banged? 1
Author Gemster Posted May 30, 2012 Author Posted May 30, 2012 I did talk to him a little bit the other night -- mostly just how I felt he should consider not whether they should hook up, but instead what the outcome of that hook up would be. Would he actually WANT her to leave her husband for him? Would he WANT to take on all the fall out of breaking up a family? Would he WANT to be with someone who would cheat? He said he is still infatuated with her. Actually, I think Yellow Shark said it well -- he is not thinking with his head or his heart -- he lusts after her, and that's ALL he's fantisizing about right now. But, you're all right -- he'll do want he wants and suffer the consequences. I can't stop him, I can just be his friend. Pierre: Deep down he's a wonderful, caring man who has been there for me and who I can always count on -- that's why I'm friends with him. Yes, he has made, and will make some huge mistakes, but who hasn't? I can't abandon a friend just because he makes a bad decision. Pureinheart: I've been praying for him every night 1
jnj express Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 He's a wonderful caring man---who is going to BECOME A HOMEWRECKER---Is that what you call a wonderful caring man If nothing else think of that child----yes her mother is a POS, and scum, but your friend is also heading into that category Did you get to spend your childhood, in a happy one family situation----or in two homes, where you were passed back and forth, and the parents ended up at each others throats You wanna do what's right----send an anonymous letter to the potential betrayed husband, and tell him his wife is about to bring nuclear winter down on all their lives As to you---you have a real weird concept, about what a wonderful man is---cuz a wonderful, kind, man would not PURPOSELY wreck the life of an innocent child!!!!!!!!! 1
aiyam Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Talk to him, and ask him what he would feel if he is in the position of the husband? or the child? I hope it would make sense for him.
jnj express Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Hey Gemster---I have a question for you----as to your SO CALLED wonderful, kind, caring friend-----there are millions of single women in the world----why can't he go out with one of them---why does he need to pursue a married woman 1st off the married woman is probably lying to herself, and your so called wonderful friend about the state of her mge----that would be justifying what she is doing, and she is probably needlessly demonizing her H, that would also be justifying her A So for some cheap tawdry sex, why does he need it to be with a married woman------there has to be some single woman out there he can get into a relationship with---------what is his problem?????? 1
Just_A_Poster Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 LOL...he has "feelings" for her alright - and they're all below his belt. He's thinking with his d*ck, it ain't rocket science. He met her and spent a couple hours talking with her then saw her a day or so later with her family. How much time has he spent with her that he can honestly say he has "feelings" for her? Either this guy is a total goober with zero dating experience or he's mistaking LUST for "feelings" - and I suspect it's the latter. In either event, he's not going to stop until he samples the goods, no matter what you say to him. Maybe her husband will get wind of the fact that this jack-hole is sniffing around his wife looking to get a little and will rearrange his face for him. He'd deserve it.
freestyle Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Give him a link to LoveShack, and advise him to spend some time reading both the Infidelity, and the OW/OM forums here. Maaaybe that will help open his eyes. Otherwise, I foresee a lot of drama getting dumped on your lap in the future, if your friend continues on this path.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 He knows its wrong -- knows the consequences -- but he said he can't stop thinking about her. They have talked on the phone since they've come home, and she is not happy in her marriage. He says he has genuine feelings for her and even though he knows its wrong, is considering going to meet her. I know him -- he will sleep with her. So he thinks he knows the consequences? I assume by "single" you mean never been married? And doesn't have the responsibility of caring for a child. Does he understand how much hard work it takes for a marriage to prosper and last? A single person can't fathom the breadth and depth of the consequences of an affair. It leads to nothing but mass destruction for everyone involved, sadly even children. Does your friend want the burden of destroying a FAMILY?! Destroying a marriage? The faithful husband will be dealing with his wife's affair for YEARS to come. Does your friend want to be branded with the scarlet letter? Is this married woman worth being labeled a homewrecker, adulterer, low-life POS? My wife had an affair with a single guy 12 years ago. I will say that the AP lingers in the marriage for years. Since I found out about the affair, a day has not gone by that I don't think about that POS homewrecker. After all of these years, my wife and I still have periodic discussions about her affair and her "boyfriend". In reference to the 3rd party, affairs are like Hotel California: "You can check-out any time you like, But you can never leave!" Once your friend enters into their marriage (an affair is an invasion into a marriage), he will remain in their marriage/lives long after he walks away.
allgoodhere Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 You could put in an anonymous call to the potential BH. That would be a huge favor to your friend and not to the BH whom you do not know. Your fiend is in for a lot of pain if he falls for this woman. BTW, all cheating people always say they are in the marriage from hell. Umm... my MM does not say his marriage is from hell. He just says that he is not in love. They are friends... but they don't have a life together at all. Also, I am completely happy in my relationship, so not everyone is in for a world of pain... And telling someone to call the potential BH? Are you crazy? Nobody has even done anything and you want to start OP getting all up in her marriage? That is NOBODY'S business but the two people in the marriage. Posts like this scare me.
Owl Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 Here's my thought. Does infidelity bother YOU? If so...tell him that. Tell him that you consider him a "dear friend"...but in no way would accept nor condone his actions of pursuing a married woman. He knows better...make it clear to him that YOU have no desire to "support" someone who would pursue such a course of action. If you want him to do the right thing...don't support him when he chooses to do the WRONG thing. It ain't rocket science. 3
KathyM Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I had a couple of girlfriends who chose to get involved in an affair with a married person. The one gf I told her she was making a mistake, was playing with fire, and should end it, but I still stood by her and listened to all her sordid accounts of her escapades, which I now regret not taking a stronger stance against it. I should have said you are not the kind of person that I want to be around when you are choosing to behave in such a deceitful and destructive way. By not coming down hard on her, I feel like I enabled her. She went on to destroy three marriages. My other friend, when she got involved in an emotional affair with a MM, I dumped her as a friend. I had known her many years. She went to all our big family events. I realized I couldn't live with myself if I supported her in her interference and destruction of a marriage. I think any friend who shows themselves to be of such low character that they would insert themselves into and destroy a marriage is not someone I want to have as a friend, and I would feel like I was enabling the destruction of a marriage by standing by her. I think you should tell your friend that he is not the man you thought he was, and you are rethinking the friendship, since you don't want to be there to watch him destroy a marriage. 1
PenelopeTheFaithful Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 What can I say to him that will stop him from meeting up and beginning an affair????? Nothing, if that's what he wants to do. But if you feel uncomfortable about it, you could tell him that. And why. If it's because you think As are wrong, you could tell him that and he'll need to find someone else to talk to about his. If you think he'll get hurt, you could tell him that and discuss ways with him to minimise his investment and the potential fall-out if things go wrong. But if you know why you're not happy about this and communicate that to him rather than just telling him you don't think he should do it, you have more of a chance of him taking heed, if you are as good a friend to him as he is to you and he values your views.
KathyM Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I think a pre-emptive call to the woman's husband may be a good thing--while the affair is still in the planning stage. If the husband knows that his marriage is in trouble and his wife is thinking along those lines, but has not acted on it yet, it might cause him to start fighting for his marriage and get his marriage back on track before any real damage has occurred. It also might cause the husband to give the potential OM a warning to stay away from his wife, which would prevent the affair. I think he should warn the husband. It's like, if you know someone is planning to rob your neighbor, do you call the police or warn your neighbor, or do you stick your head in the sand and think it's not your business and you don't want to get involved, and the crime hasn't happened yet, so you should stay out of it. I think he should warn the husband, so the husband can do what it takes to protect his marriage from this threat.
spilled_ink Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 And telling someone to call the potential BH? Are you crazy? Nobody has even done anything and you want to start OP getting all up in her marriage? That is NOBODY'S business but the two people in the marriage. Posts like this scare me. I haven't personally experienced this, but I've seen it happen ... someone in an affair (or contemplating an affair) confides in a friend, and the friend decides to blow everything up. The results are very, very messy. I don't think it's a good idea to mess about in someone's personal life. But there are LOTS of people out there who are compelled to "do the right thing." Anybody in an affair who confesses to anyone not bound by professional confidentiality (like an attorney or counselor) is nuts.
NotCamelot Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Having been on both ends of this - cheater and cheat-ee, I can tell you. If I could contact the W I would tell her I know what she is comtemplating and that I am a friend of the potential lover. Basically stop the availability. The fact that someone else knows will probably end it. I say this because I know how her husband will be hurt when he finds out. After what I've been through, I would not wish this kind of hurt on even my worst enemies.
DEABQ Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Gemster, I think you should ask him if he is also considering: Taking away this woman's self respect when the affair ends ... and it will end. Taking away her husband's self esteem and self worth when he finds out his wife has cheated on him. Setting up her daughter for a lifetime of bad decision making due to an unstable upbringing. Maybe she will find the need to have relationship issues for the rest of her life also. Or maybe just engage in excessive risk taking behavior. Increasing the likelihood of substance abuse in her family. Increasing the likelihood of somene harming/attempting to harm themselves. There is much more. I saw it in my own family. It all comes down to a simple decision.... "will I do the right thing or not" Be a real friend. Do everything you can to make him realize the cost of having an affair. They are extremely steep and ALMOST NEVER result in anyone feeling good. The OM/OWs in the other forum are deluding themselves that they are going to be the rare exception that wins.
freestyle Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 OP---I won't go into huge detail about my experience here, but I'll link a thread I started about it. My former best female friend turned out to be a serial OW. I provided emotional support throughout her 1st indiscretion, even though I didn't approve. When she did it a second time, she knew the man's long-term significant other. When I ran into that sig. other, after hearing about what had happened, I had a very hard time looking her in the eye, simply because I knew what had happened behind her back. She wasn't a friend, but she was someone I'd known socially for a few years. I was so uncomfortable being around her, that I ducked away as quickly as possible--- That's when I started to view my former best friend in different light. And it wasn't long before she turned on me, emotionally. It was a heartbreaking thing to go through. here's the link, if you wish to read more.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/281554-collateral-damage-infidelity
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