Torn

[AlisaMarie]

I have been out of the most horrific relationship of my life for about 7 months now and I am feeling free and happy. About 6 months ago, I started dating a man that I knew for a long time (an old ex's friend). Things were great, he was attentive, sweet, thoughtful, and we hit it off quickly. However, he was about a year into his breakup with his long term girlfriend, and I was still a little shook up from my recent ex.

 

The first two months were great! He took me out, we talked all the time, we were happy. Slowly but surely, the plans started going from "we" to "I." I only saw him like once every couple of weeks and he went on 2 vacations and other events without inviting me... or planning a future trip with me. He is very flirty with other girls on social sites and seems to jab at his ex a lot. I expressed to him how I feel about things but all he could ever say is sorry. My mom used to always say "don't be sorry, be better." I never put pressure on him, but how the beginning of our relationship went until now just proves to me that I have been demoted to bed buddy... and I am sorry, that's not for me. Also the visits are always on his terms...He also hasn't told my ex (his friend) that we were dating.

 

Fast forward- about a week ago I started talking to my neighbors friend. He's very nice and always wants to chat and hang out. Although the "spark" isn't quite there, I'm feeling curious. I also haven't kissed him or anything. He's just nice to be around. I like him. I don't want to lose the other guy, and they both know of each other as my friends, because the first guy never defined the relationship he just says I am def more than a friend. So I am having extreme guilt because I am not, and never will be a cheater or a liar.

 

I am not trying to draw an ugly picture of the first guy, he's truly a remarkable kind soul, but maybe just not for me.

Edited May 27, 2012 by AlisaMarie

[ScienceGal]

Why are you even bothering with the first guy?

 

IMO, even if the new guy was fantastic, your judgement is still clouded because you're hung up on the first guy. In my experience, just because the initial spark isn't there, doesn't mean there's nothing there at all. But, if you definitely know there isn't anything there, don't give the new guy false hope.

 

How about don't date anyone for a while?

[AlisaMarie]

Honestly, I am not writing off the new guy. He has my attention. You are absolutely right about me being clouded... but it just doesn't feel right to stay in a relationship where I am not getting everything I need. I am pretty simple to please as well... but the less I expect the less I get, and that's just sad to me.

[ScienceGal]

but the less I expect the less I get, and that's just sad to me.

 

Of course that's sad. Stop expecting less! Know what you want and how to ask for it. And know when to move on. The first guy isn't treating you how you want to be treated, so stop associating with him. By staying involved, you are getting less than you expect, and less than you deserve.

 

Make a list of what's important to you and don't compromise. It's up to you to get it, by moving on from bad situations and opening yourself up to meeting someone new.

 

My list

1) kind and caring person

2) makes me a priority and follows through with plans

3) honest and loyal

4) able and willing to communicate with me

5) non-smoker

 

This is just a few things that are important to me. Some are common sense, but it's helpful to write them down so you can think about them. If a guy doesn't meet these, I don't even give him a chance.

[AlisaMarie]

That really is a great idea. And yes, even the ones that are common sense we tend to ignore at times. I'm not sure what my problem is but I'm entirely too attracted to those big red flags they wave me over with. Instead of fussing over either guy this evening, I'm going to hang out with my friend and compose a list. Thanks dear.