Jackson3491 Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I get the feeling after reading all of the multidating threads that there is a different definition for what exclusive is and for what a relationship is to the multidater vs the one at a time dater. To the multidater the terms exclusive and relationship are interchangeable and equal sex. To the one at a time dater exclusive is by default once dating begins and this does not include first meets as those are just meetings to see if you might want to date. Once dating is agreed to it is exclusive were neither person will date anyone else and sex is not even expected at this point. That would be the definition of exclusive to the one at a time dater. The definition of a relationship to the one at a time dater would equal sex if the exclusive dating would make it to that point. Please chime in on both sides as to how you define the terms exclusive and relationship and which one equals sex if at all.
RedRobin Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 exclusive means many things to many people. I never assume exclusive means anything to a multidater... In my opinion, it is a stupid word invented by multidaters so they can feel better about multidating and leave the impression they are sincere about forming emotional bonds. 2
veggirl Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Well dating is going on dates. You can date exclusively or not. So, I guess for me it goes dates --> verbally expressed exclusive dating (could have been exclusive all along, usually is for me) --> relationship. Sex has happened at all stages of that, for me. Current BF and I had sex while we were "dating" and had not discussed exclusively dating yet (though we both were dating only one another). So...yeah...I don't know?
phineas Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 OP just ask her. Seriously. Get on the same page & avoid the BS. If she doesn't give you a straight answer or tries to make it seem like she isn't seeing anyone else in stead of directly saying it, just assume she is still shopping around or plans on seeing other people.
Sid6.7 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Why anyone that goes on a date would assume the other person is not actively seeing or looking for someone else at that time is beyond me. It's probably naive to think otherwise. It's called dating. I have found that women think sex = exclusive even when a verbal discussion of such a topic has never been addressed.
ScienceGal Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Dating = going out on dates. During those dates you should be gauging the level of interest/connection with the other person. Once you establish there is a connection, you talk about what you're looking for. From there, you decide if your wants match up and whether you're compatible enough to continue dating/form a relationship. Just know what you want and how to look for it ask for it. Know what is important to you and don't tolerate being treated poorly and don't compromise your values.
ScienceGal Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I have found that women think sex = exclusive even when a verbal discussion of such a topic has never been addressed. That's why I don't do it until it has been discussed. While I feel bad for women that have sex and then realize it's not exclusive (also happens to men too), they share responsibility in making sure their own needs are being met. If they think it means exclusivity, they better make sure the guy feels the same way before hopping in the sac.
Sid6.7 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 That's why I don't do it until it has been discussed. While I feel bad for women that have sex and then realize it's not exclusive (also happens to men too), they share responsibility in making sure their own needs are being met. If they think it means exclusivity, they better make sure the guy feels the same way before hopping in the sac. I understand this, but you should also know that Men have a different mindset. Dating = sex. As a Male you should understand this. I have a three date rule. No sex during that time, I am out. If there is no chemistry by then, there is not going to be. Oooh just thought of a sig line.
RedRobin Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I have found that women think sex = exclusive even when a verbal discussion of such a topic has never been addressed. and I assume men like you never bring it up and sleep with as many women as you can simultaneously. Gross. No need to have discussions with men like you. You aren't relationship material anyway. *shrug*
ScienceGal Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I understand this, but you should also know that Men have a different mindset. Dating = sex. As a Male you should understand this. I have a three date rule. No sex during that time, I am out. If there is no chemistry by then, there is not going to be. Oooh just thought of a sig line. I think everyone is different. I've met men who view sex as exclusivity and women who do not. It's not gender specific, it's just about finding someone who is on the same wavelength as you.
Sid6.7 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 and I assume men like you never bring it up and sleep with as many women as you can simultaneously. Gross. The women don't either and you find fault with me because of that? No need to have discussions with men like you. You aren't relationship material anyway. *shrug* Yet you are anyway, I am not looking for a relationship and contrary to your beliefs there are many women out there that are not either. No worries I wouldn't give you a second look with your attitude anyway. Not a dig, just saying.
bamp78 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Guilty as charged as a multi dater it's just natural for me schedule fills up quickly and i'm a social guy. That said being exclusive only comes through conversation and while I stick 100% to the exclusive label I sleep with my dates beforehand.
Sid6.7 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 I think everyone is different. I've met men who view sex as exclusivity and women who do not. It's not gender specific, it's just about finding someone who is on the same wavelength as you. Sure, in theory I agree with you. However, the moment you remove the aspect of sex from the equation in regards to a male, your aspirations of anything meaningful from the opposite sex has just been alleviated. Dating = sex for a male.
ScienceGal Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Sure, in theory I agree with you. However, the moment you remove the aspect of sex from the equation in regards to a male, your aspirations of anything meaningful from the opposite sex has just been alleviated. Dating = sex for a male. I think we can agree that the majority of people dating are looking to have sex. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is disinterested in sex. But, it doesn't mean I need to do it with them asap. And not all men feel the need to. I actually had a 3 year relationship with a guy who wanted to take things slower than I did sexually. I suppose we all have an idea of when in a relationship sex should happen. I'd say kissing and hugging soon on, then slowly progressing to sex at probably the 6-8 week mark for me, and only after exclusivity has been established. IME, I've spent a lot of time with the guy over the 6-8 weeks. I say all is fair game as long as no one is being purposely led on. 1
RedRobin Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Dating = sex for a male. No it doesn't. Some men would just like women to believe that so they can have no strings attached sex and string them along in the hopes of having a relationship. Men like you are to be avoided if a woman wants a relationship. Period, end of story.
Sid6.7 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 No it doesn't. Some men would just like women to believe that so they can have no strings attached sex and string them along in the hopes of having a relationship. Men like you are to be avoided if a woman wants a relationship. Period, end of story. Oh, no question they should avoid me if that is what they are after, especially when I make it known that is not what I want, and I do. Yet, they do anyway and think they can fix me. As if I am broken. It's funny earlier you said, gross. Every time I hear that I think prude, I don't know why but I do. I think this is a person that does not like sex, and if I did want a relationship, this is a person I would not develop anything with. Next thing you know she hovers sex over your head to snare you into a relationship only to find out she doesn't like sex. Before you know it she plumps up and chops off her hair and you have been suckered into what you originally feared, a prude.
Sid6.7 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 No it doesn't. And by the way, yes it does. I have said this before, the next date you go on you tell your date unequivocally that you will never, ever have sex with him. Ever. Let us know if you get another date.
RedRobin Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 And by the way, yes it does. I have said this before, the next date you go on you tell your date unequivocally that you will never, ever have sex with him. Ever. Let us know if you get another date. Oh please, no need to get all dramatic. And about the gross statement... yea, I think guys who have and do sleep with everything that walks are gross. I'm sure in your world you assume that women who have sex very early actually like sex more than women who don't. To me, that doesn't prove anything. Some women are connisseurs, and don't sleep with trashy men. See, that double standard works both ways.
RedRobin Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Oh, no question they should avoid me if that is what they are after, especially when I make it known that is not what I want, and I do. Yet, they do anyway and think they can fix me. As if I am broken. Good. Glad you are honest about your goals. I agree that seeking to change another person's relationship goals (or lack of them) is an exercise in futility. I also think that those who believe high libido = having sex early are also mistaken. Early sex just proves the person has an inability to delay gratification... not a good life skill IMHO.
Sid6.7 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Oh please, no need to get all dramatic. Nothing dramatic about it, try it. Let us know how it goes. You won't because you know the devastating result of that kind of maneuver. And about the gross statement... yea, I think guys who have and do sleep with everything that walks are gross. News flash, you walk. I'm sure in your world you assume that women who have sex very early actually like sex more than women who don't. Where did I say that? I will save you the trouble, I didn't. I think you are the one that assumed. To me, that doesn't prove anything. Some women are connisseurs, and don't sleep with trashy men. See, that double standard works both ways. Who said anything about being trashy?
wordrock Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 (edited) My personal feeling on the matter differs. I've slept with women who I have not intended to have a relationship with and the feeling was mutual. On the other hand, I've broken things off with women when we were close to sleeping with one another because I didn't want a relationship with them. Reasons are not always so apparent. There may have been intense attraction, but our lifestyles were conflicting. Sometimes it has been the opposite. I don't see anything wrong with dating multiple partners at a time, as long as you are up front with that. For myself, I generally do not pursue a woman romantically beyond the third or so date if things do not seem to be going anywhere. While I may decide to pursue someone exclusively, I do not inform them about it. It's more a marker for myself. For me, being monogamous with one woman I care about is the ideal. I believe in honesty, so I would not want to have the guilt later of having deceived the person I care about by either lying or simply being quiet about it at the time. I think in a few dates you should be able to gauge whether the two of you are compatible enough to spend more time together. It's hard to see where things can go if you are starting or continuing things with someone else. I don't recommend it if you are the type to be with one person. On the other hand, I've kept in contact with women as friends past that. Usually without sex being involved, but sometimes with. I'll caution some of you who think the latter is a good idea. If one person meets someone... it's necessary to cease any physical contact. Don't say I didn't warn you! You do not want angry boyfriends calling you and sitting outside your house, nor your 'friend' showing up and causing problems. And believe me, it will happen. Regarding sex. Always be honest. If I'm sleeping with someone, I try to inform all parties as tactfully as possible BEFORE sleeping with another. Sometimes this is difficult because some people simply do not want to talk about it. Therefore, you need to establish what sex means to them before doing anything and make a decision. It definitely varies from person to person. I know a few women to whom sex is just a fun activity. One even hates it when a guy tries to cuddle with her. She wants to get up and leave. Some people are very particular about letting anyone in their personal space to the point where any physical contact (even kissing etc) with someone they don't know very well is not acceptable. If such a woman wants to be intimate with me, she typically would not accept me having other partners. In that situation I would reserve sex with her only and would not date other women. As I've said, I prefer that... this is the kind of woman I look for, but I do not readily jump into a relationship anymore. Unfortunately, some women want to go into that mode immediately. Most recently, the woman I've been seeing was initially not ready to have sex as she equates that with having a relationship. She's also stated that she believes in complete sexual monogamy. We've dated on and off in the past without things going anywhere... yet we liked one another enough to remain friends. However, she's actually claimed that she doesn't date. That she'd just be with someone and that's it. Now we find ourselves spending time together as a couple. We have not talked about 'us' since we've been intimate, but prior she referred to things as being 'more than close friends' but not necessarily in a relationship. I don't need to ask her about it to know her feelings on it. It would not be acceptable by her for me to be sleeping with someone else. As far as casual dating goes, I know doing such would probably disappoint her greatly even if she wouldn't say so. It's an interesting situation... she says she doesn't want a relationship, doesn't really like to talk about such things, but equates sex with a relationship? Where's it going to go? I don't know, but I know she doesn't let people in easily. I care for her a great deal and would not do something that I know would hurt her. I'm going to give her the time she needs to make a decision for herself and not try to demand that she speak to me about it just to satisfy my burning curiosity. It might seem like a simple thing to talk about for some, but things like this can be life changing. Yes, I'm wondering and it's a bit stressful, but sometimes you just have to wait and see. I think of dating as an exploratory process for both people. I think it's more about ensuring the two of you are a good match. This includes sexual as well as social and emotional aspects and they're all interrelated. That's why communicating intentions is always a huge priority, but communication between sexes is not always as straight forward and at the pace we'd like. Love needs patience as well as understanding. ~ TLDR: Although it's important to always communicate intentions with the person you are seeing, it's also important to be patient and not try to force the process. Edited May 28, 2012 by wordrock
wordrock Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 (edited) However, the moment you remove the aspect of sex from the equation in regards to a male, your aspirations of anything meaningful from the opposite sex has just been alleviated. Dating = sex for a male. You do not speak for me nor many men and women out there. Different people have different chemistry and form different levels of attachment. This is an obvious truth, even to people who pretend like it's not dishonest when they don't state their intentions. They do it because they want sex, but feel no attachment in the act. They know there are some people out there who are not willing to sleep around if they knew the other was just going to just hit it and quit it. They are essentially liars. What is also interesting is the type of guy who claims to be up front about such, but still sleeps with women and they say 'just didn't listen' and 'thought they could change me'. You're stating up front that said women were obviously in a foolish state of infatuation with you. The honorable thing to do would be not to sleep with them. I find it amusing when such guys try to hide under their testosterone instead of owning up to what they are. But you're right, I know women just like you. However, they're an aberration, not the rule. That's why so many women don't believe you. They can't fathom that someone could be so inhuman and lack empathy. This is how pretend manly guys appear to me when they act like love hating bros: Edited May 28, 2012 by wordrock 1
Sid6.7 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 You do not speak for me nor many men and women out there. I never claimed I did speak for you. They can't fathom that someone could be so inhuman and lack empathy. Empathy for what?
RedRobin Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Most recently, the woman I've been seeing was initially not ready to have sex as she equates that with having a relationship. Same here. However, she's actually claimed that she doesn't date. That she'd just be with someone and that's it. Every relationship I've had started like this. I don't 'date' either. I tried OLD briefly, but it wasn't my style. I'd prefer to get to know someone through friends/family, so that when we do go on a 'date' or become intimate, it is known up front what their history is, what they are looking for, and have someone to vouch for their character. Guess you could say it is hard to get me in a relationship too... because I don't 'date' either. For me it is all or nothing. Despite my tough stance on multidating, I think it really came about when people started dating strangers... it seemed to become a phenomenon only after OLD took off. I suppose it is understandable from that point of view. If you know next to nothing about someone, I guess it is reasonable to see lots of other people. Then again, I also don't see how anyone gets to know anyone if they are seeing lots of people. Seems like they'd be better off developing their social network and getting out more, but that's just me. 1
bamp78 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 Same here. Every relationship I've had started like this. I don't 'date' either. I tried OLD briefly, but it wasn't my style. I'd prefer to get to know someone through friends/family, so that when we do go on a 'date' or become intimate, it is known up front what their history is, what they are looking for, and have someone to vouch for their character. Guess you could say it is hard to get me in a relationship too... because I don't 'date' either. For me it is all or nothing. Despite my tough stance on multidating, I think it really came about when people started dating strangers... it seemed to become a phenomenon only after OLD took off. I suppose it is understandable from that point of view. If you know next to nothing about someone, I guess it is reasonable to see lots of other people. Then again, I also don't see how anyone gets to know anyone if they are seeing lots of people. Seems like they'd be better off developing their social network and getting out more, but that's just me. People see lot's of people when they have a strong social network. Knowing lot's of people comes from getting out more, being open to meeting new people, and developing ones social network. Not really sure the basis for your argument but ok...
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