Excluded from his social life?! Am I asking to much or is it normal????

[DenDen]

I am currently in a wird situation, not knowing if I'm just being "fussy" and overreacting.

 

In January I moved to the US to marry my now husband. We had met back in 2008 in a mall while I was visiting the US. We remained in contact. He would email me every day and would send me a bunch of sad faces if I didn't reply ... Anyway we spoke weekly ans soon daily. Ever since then he called me future wifey and I would laugh it off. He been "chasing" me since 2008 asking me to move to the US and marry him. I refused until he came to see me in 2010 in Europe and I actually fell in love with him. After that it was clear what we wanted and in 2012 I was more than happy to finally get my visa to be with him, despite the fact that im not a NY fan. Once here I found out that he had been cheating on me the whole time (i mean I kinda expected him to, but he actually had an affair. It was the gf of his best friends wife). But since he made all kind of promises, he convinced me it was in the past and it won't happen since I'm here now. We got married.

 

My life here is very different to how it used to be. I don't know anyone. He is the only person I know. I had asked him to set up like a dinner so I could meet his friends and their wife's just so I can get some kind of social life .... He never did! So far I have met one friend. He regularly goes and hangs out with him. Sometimes he takes may daughter (6) with him since his friends got kids.

Two weekends ago I was at their house for the first time because it was one of the kids birthday.

When I ask my husband when will I meet the rest of his friends, he plays it off and tries to change subject. The other day he said to me that his friends wife doesn't want to meet me cos she wants him to be with her friend. So now his friend keeps telling him how bad the girl is doing and missing him ..... They have a baby shower coming up obviously that girl will be there .... I told my husband, that if he goes I will be going with him!

 

Then his phone rings all the time and it's his ex gfs and girls he messed with or who wanna mess with him. He says we just friends now .... We just talk ... I asked him to cut it out and it's still going on!

 

He goes and hangers out with his friends every Thursday, Friday and Saturday. It's always only for 2 or 3 hours p and most of the time he comes back home for dinner. But it bothers me since I can't see my friends and I sit here all by myself!

 

I asked him if he would take me to some parties this summer (since he never took me NOWHERE to have a good time since I moved here) and he said no! I go with my friends not with you.... You can go with your friends!

I don't have any friends here!!!!!!!!!

 

Am I asking to much and I'm just to sensitive cos I'm missing my friends and family?! Or is he being extra selfish?!

 

I mean put aside the socializing part, I don't really have anything to complain. He takes care of me and my daughter and even adopted her.

 

I just feel like since I am his wife he feels like he can't have fun with me anymore and excludes me from his social life.

Trust is also an issue ... I doubt he cheated on me since I been here, but I look at him completely different now. Everything he says I think about twice and pay extra attention to what comes out of his mouth. Even catch myself goin thru his phone sometimes ...

 

 

Since I dont have friends to talk to, I would appreciate an honest opinion from someone outside looking in, cos I feel like I lost the overlook.

[d'Arthez]

He disrespects you, he cheats on you, he hides you from his social life (making cheating extra easy! - get an STD check). The only "good" bit about him is that he provides for you.

 

That is not enough to sustain a healthy and functional relationship with him. His behavior will not improve over time.

 

I'd say try and look at your options of getting out of this marriage. Whether that is moving back to your country, or staying in the US, and living on your own. As it is an international relationship, it would not hurt for you to seek professional opinion on what you can and cannot do, and how to best go about this.

[Radu]

What country are you from, and do you have US citizenship ?

 

If you have it, divorce him because this man is very bad for you and your young daughter, she will learn from this very very very dysfunctional relationship.

If you don't have it, get your ducks in row and get it, then divorce him.

 

I'm usually against doing things like these, but ... this guy is a damn animal, you need to think of your daughter and of yourself and separate yourself from him. Pretty much everything you wrote is a red flag.

[DenDen]

Thank you all for reply.

 

The sad thing is, we were friends to start with, and he was pushing for the next step more than I was. I was happy in Spain but did love him and wanted to be with him. since he didn't speak Spanish, the only option was for me to move to the US.

 

No offense to anyone, but I really wasn't looking forward to living in NY. And I still don't like it. Which is making my situation worse. Normally I am very outgoing and have no problem meeting people, but here ... Impossible.

 

I am still waiting on my working permit, so all I can currently do is sit home. And for him to not understand how it makes me feel when he acts like that hurts.

Especially considering all that I have given up back home. My job, car, apartment and my whole house inventory. Just everything! Gave up my family and friends and "dragged" my daughter over here.

I feel like that I made such a big commitment, that the least I can expect is for him to do certain things for me.

 

I feel so stuck!

[DenDen]

What country are you from, and do you have US citizenship ?

 

If you have it, divorce him because this man is very bad for you and your young daughter, she will learn from this very very very dysfunctional relationship.

If you don't have it, get your ducks in row and get it, then divorce him.

 

I'm usually against doing things like these, but ... this guy is a damn animal, you need to think of your daughter and of yourself and separate yourself from him. Pretty much everything you wrote is a red flag.

 

 

 

I am from Spain and no I don't have my citizenship. And to be honest I don't even care about the Greencard. I came here only because of him! He is the only reason why I moved to the US.

[bean1]

DenDen,

 

Take your child and move back home. You made a poor decision, perhaps based on fantasy-love and not long-term dating/seeing what a person is truly like, in person. I think you know this. I'm a mom too, it is okay to say you've made a mistake and that this person was not who you thought they were.

[d'Arthez]

I agree. You are better off at home than living your life like this. Get out while you still can. Get in touch with a lawyer, and start divorce proceedings.

[FitChick]

There are plenty of Spanish speaking people in the US. In NY they tend to be Puerto Rican and Cuban. You could have your own social life apart from your husband. Then if your marriage got worse, at least you'd have friends.

 

I'd pick Spain over NY and I've been to both places.

[Radu]

I am from Spain and no I don't have my citizenship. And to be honest I don't even care about the Greencard. I came here only because of him! He is the only reason why I moved to the US.

 

I'm gonna play devil's advocate here.

I actually know about the situation in Spain, and i know the discrimination that happens there against young ppl in the workforce vs older ppl [i have many friends who work there].

That and the huge unemployment there is a drag.

If you go back to Spain, do you have a support network ?

Can you find a job in your field of work ?

How would your family react to you getting a divorce [you are probably catholic] ?

These are all very important questions.

 

Right now, if you move, you have to move not only for yourself but also for your daughter.

You were in love, you wanted to chase the dream, you dragged her along as well because of a promise, but you can't keep dragging her along everywhere.

 

So, how close are you to getting US citizenship ?

It might be better to stay there if you work in a good field, either way don't dismiss this option unless you have to ... right now you need options.

 

Either way, you need options and a support network, and you need to do all of this work for both you and your daughter.

Notice how i didn't say anything about reconnecting to him, i believe that you would be hurting yourself even more.