LostInLimbo Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 (edited) Hey All hopefully I can maybe get outside opinions, ive been using LS for a while now after going through one heck of a 4yr nightmare back in 2009 or so... Sorry here is my question, I have been with a Girl for 2yrs (15yrs difference in age), everthing was perfect in the beginning for a long while, although off and on it would come up we were not intimate enough in which I though was going good. Just last week she text me to ask me why we aren't like normal couples (intimacy thing again) and that maybe I should go get help, I agree'd as sure maybe I wasnt giving enough. We talked she wanted to postpone wedding, I said no, we do or we don't, then she told me she was leaving to think about things. I told her to take the time she needed. 1 hr later she text me saying she missed me terribly, miserable without me and begged to come back home, I told her no (that was so hard to say because I love her so much) because now I needed time to think, I also didn't want to make it easy for her to just come and go everytime we had a problem. She told me she would stay with her parents and give me time to think, 2 days went by and she had text to say she was canceling the wedding hall, I asked her not to, lets talk, lets go for help, but she said no, she didn't want to go backwards instead of forward and that she would be here to pick up all her belongings when I was at work, as she didn't want to hurt me anymore. It went from she was going to give me time to do my thinking to Im coming to get my stuff, all within a matter of a few days... There are several factors here, I felt hurt us, she didn't want to go for walks, she didn't want to go out, not even to sit on our patio, its like she had become isolated, for the past year...and was always afraid to communicate with me, because she said thats just the way she is. since we met she also had put on a large amount of weight in which I told her everytime she was concerned about it, I don't care, I love you for what you have and will give me and thats true love, I still am attracted to you and always will be. There is more im sure im forgetting but feel as though I put the most facts I could in... I have decided if she texts me to go NC, not to get her back, just to help me heal, if she does text me as part of the NC Rules, I will kep it as brief as possible, because I don't hate this girl, I still love her so much, but I am just respecting what she is wanting, bcause I don't wanna be selfish and do need to take care of me in the process sorry for so long a message, hoping to here others perspective Thanks everyone, not glad to be back here, but I am for the support of this great forum and its members LiL Edited May 27, 2012 by LostInLimbo
Balzac Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Hard to grasp the big picture. She requested that you get counseling for "intimacy" inadequacy but your description of her makes it to be that she was unavailable? Is your use of the word intimacy to include sexual intimacy? I know you want her back but it sounds like you dodged a bullet. How can you work out issues with a woman who stone walls you?
Author LostInLimbo Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Hard to grasp the big picture. She requested that you get counseling for "intimacy" inadequacy but your description of her makes it to be that she was unavailable? Is your use of the word intimacy to include sexual intimacy? I know you want her back but it sounds like you dodged a bullet. How can you work out issues with a woman who stone walls you? Definetly has shut me out, it went from postpone,get help, to let me think to see ya later all in matter of days, im sure its something she has thought about for along time or a bit, just not sure why, but I suppose I can't analize it.. LiL
Author LostInLimbo Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 I recently just got texted telling me I need to write a letter to the Hall to cancel and leave it for her when she picks her stuff up, but I really don't want to, for 2 reasons, I don't wanna cancel it, she was gung ho to do it and I feel its not my responsibilty when she is the one who doesn't want this..... Gonna stick to my NC because I just don't want to get caught up in the drama any thoughts?
Balzac Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 The hall rental is a contract. If that contract bears your name, cancel or pay the cost despite no wedding. If the contract is in her name it's on her. NC is fine but be aware that deposits of cash and agreements to pay for services and products require action to cancel or pay up.
Art_Critic Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I see it as your inaction to her requests made her make up her mind about ending the engagement. She has said they you both need help but you think all is well.. Is it possible that she has another guy in the wings ?
Art_Critic Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Gonna stick to my NC because I just don't want to get caught up in the drama any thoughts? Sticking to NC isn't going to fix this, it seems you both are breaking up and she is asking you to cancel the Hall. Ignoring her is just going to make this worse.. maybe you should sit down with her and talk about the future.
westrock Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 She seems to be all over the place and not good at communicating but it also may be that both of you were poor at communicating and resolving issues. I am still not sure why you said no when she begged you to come home. I understand you may need time to think, but the two of you are supposed to be a team talking things out, not running away. I understand that you didn't want to make it easy for her to just come and go everytime you two had a problem but at the same time if you make it difficult for her to come back, then she will find it less painful to just stay away permanently which is what she's doing now. There are several factors here, I felt hurt us, she didn't want to go for walks, she didn't want to go out, not even to sit on our patio, its like she had become isolated, for the past year...and was always afraid to communicate with me, because she said thats just the way she is. If she was afraid to communicate because "thats just the way she is", then she is not in a position to be in a relationship. This may have nothing to do with you, but rather her own personal issues and she decided to run away now. What do you know about her past relationships? Does she avoid or run away from issues in other areas in her life? If there is any chance to save the relationship, NC is not the way to go. Communication is the way to go if she is still open to it. I think you will have to reach out to her and take a different approach. The only other thing to do would be to just move on with you life.
Balzac Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 I cannot imagine how this girl can work out a marriage with a guy who cannot understand. Either she is unable to be clear about what she wants or he is unable to listen. This sounds like an impasse. Cancel, get off the hook and move on.
Author LostInLimbo Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 (edited) See thats why I Love his forum, there were answers that I didn't want to hear, and some felt were inaccurate, but Thats Honesty which I love and opinions, which is why I am here and think highly of people who take the time to read and answer, which this forum has alot of. I have decided as mentioned to go NC, I know some said that won't work if you wanna get your ex back, I honestly feel maybe its just time for me to move on and cut my losses now, when I say move on, not into another relationship for a long while, but I will go out and enjoy life and also will date, just won't committ to anything yet. With all that said, may be it was me who wasn't ready for marriage in the long run, but I do strongly feel that Wedding Day jitters played a big part in her desicion, even if it didn't, it is what it is and is whre its at, so why analyze it, I am just going to let things fall as they may. Am I hurt, yes, very, but more dissapointed then hurt. Onething does keep playing on my head is whats my Ex going to think once she finds out, i know it shouldn't but does, but because she cheated on me several times and I took her back, this time, without the cheating (that I nvr even suspect) My true aim was to make it harder for her to come and go, do I think that it backfired on me? possibly, do I think she would have left eventually? yes... Someone I think had mentioned what was her last relationship like?, I was told by her she was verbally abused, BF drank and did Drugs, they to were engaged, not sure about any wedding plans, but she left him after 4yrs... To Be Continued im sure.... LiL Edited May 28, 2012 by LostInLimbo
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